Petey Pt. 01

Petey P 01

"So, I mean, so, Peacock Penny is your roomie then, huh?"

"Oh, Peacock Penny most certainly rents from me, so what do you want to do about that then, hmm? Because if you want to fight about that, I mean, you'll be crying after I give your knee caps the one and then the two, so?"

"Uh-huh. Anyways, what's this we hear about a mixer you're having tomorrow afternoon then, huh? The word is that you invited our crew girl, Falcon Franny, but the rest of us seem to be sidelined, so?"

"Oh, I mean, your guy, Zack, got a little forward with me last Friday on the Strip and then your guy, Zapata Zack, backed way off and maybe I don't have the experience yet to know how to deal with that yet, so, then I started to side step and here we are, eye ball to just above your belly button, so? And I'm Petey P and I don't even know your name for certain, which I should know before I go all one and then the two on you, so?"

"Uh-huh. Frank, so?"

"Oh, so Finch Frank then, hmm?"

"Ah-hah! So, you're the one giving everyone a bird name up and down the Strip then!"

"That doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm on a mission to invite more people from the Strip my mixer tomorrow afternoon, which by the way, promises to be a major boring dud, so?"

"Hmph! Tell me more about this worst ever mixer then, Petey P. And I wouldn't be mad if somewhere in your story it ends up with me bedding you and Peacock Penny, like a double fuck! You know, like where I get to double bang sisters! I mean, I like a couple of things about you on the down low Petey P and Peacock Penny is just hot with her six color tints in her hair, so?"

"Finch Frank! That's gross! I mean, not for you, of course, but ewe! And by the way, Peacock Penny has four color tints, plus her platinum blonde base, so get your numbers straight! And stop pointing straight at me like that! I don't know what to do with that, but I know what it is! Finch Frank!"

Well, hey there, I'm Petey P and if we haven't spoken yet on the Strip in Middleton, well, that's probably more on me than on you. But come on back down to the Strip again because this story begins the night before my not so award worthy mixer, which I finally chilled out enough to explain to (goth) Finch Frank what my disaster of a mixer was all about.

And as far as adding a bird to everyone's name, I mean, fine, sometimes I just make stuff up, so.

Anyways, I mean, it was something different to do, even though the city of Middleton made it quite clear that there wouldn't be a lot to see, but they were salvaging and lifting an old flat bottom river vessel from the murky bottom of the Middleton River with crane salvage barges and my place had a pretty decent view, so I went about inviting a few folks over for that Saturday as a viewing mixer of sorts. A mixer with no guaranteed results and no guaranteed speed of the viewing event. But it was something different to do, right?

And I didn't expect much from anybody or from even the salvaging event itself since even the city's own website said that that the barge cranes barely go all "grr, clunk, brr, snap, lift, jolt, clunk, brr" as the chains and cables hoist up the sunken river vessel at the speed of light, minus 99.99999999% of the speed of light.

But my place had a good angle of view and my roomie, Peacock Penny, has a great knack for assembling the right snacks, so what better way to throw the 3rd worse viewing party ever, right? Except for the snacks, which would be great. The mixer, not so much, but the refreshments, well, it's Peacock Penny, so.

So, I steeled my nerves and made my last-ditch efforts walk up and down the Strip to get as many people as I could to attend, which meant actually talking, which was to be new for me, but it had become a now or never situation, so I went for it!

Oh, and as for Finch Frank, Mr. Double Bang Gross, well, I lifted his logo t-shirt and he has way too much frontal hair for my tastes, so. LOL, like I have done enough to have tastes, right?

But even through my struggles, I still like to hang out on the Strip and I have the legs to strut up and down the Strip all of a Friday night! Oh, shape and length wise. I mean, you'll catch me in a race or a run from a kidnapping situation for sure, so.

[Smoothie Shop door chime jingle, jangle]

"Hey, Canary Mary, can I get a Raspberry Smoothie please? And make it a double squirt, please. The Strip is hopping tonight and the extra berry juice squirt might give me the buzz that I need to actually talk to people about coming to my place tomorrow afternoon for my river vessel lift viewing mixer!"

"Hmph! The word on the Strip is that you've already invited my ex, so, hey, is a double squirt the same as a double black eye then, hmm, Petey P?"

"Canary Mary, do you mean your ex, Baxter, who you have left in your rearview then, hmm? The same Baxter that you keep asking for reports back on to make sure that he's twice as boo-hoo about things than you are, but how you're meeting at least twice as many new people then, that Baxter, hmm?"

"Hah! Well, yeah, but still, Petey P, I don't want to hear any reports back about you squirting his squirt gun! I mean, keep your eyes on Baxter, but keep your hands to yourself! But I'll make you your stupid double squirt Smoothie anyways for proper report backs from your absolute worst mixer ever!"

Nope, I may or may not occasionally get involved with a squirting squirt gun situation, but no, no, no, not with Baxter! I'm just Canary Mary's eyes in the skies! Besides, secretly, her BFF, Starling Darling Darla has called dibs on Baxter and I like my Smoothies, so I'm not messing around in all that.

"Canary Mary, it's a backyard event and there are most certainly going to be people sitting all over the river embankments everywhere watching and on and on and on, so everything should be on the up and up then. I mean, Starling Darling Darla is your BBF, so."

"Well, she's my ex-BFF, turned rival, so I need your flashy eyes to stay focused, meaning your Smoothie is on the house, but still, even if Baxter is crying tomorrow over no sex since we broke up, I mean, even just squeezing his squirt gun trigger is not allowed, let alone pulling on it, got it, Petey P?"

Well, every marksman will tell you that you to squeeze the trigger, not pull it, so.

[Free Raspberry double shot Smoothie slams down]

"[Slurp] Canary Mary, I only invited Baxter so I could spy better on him for you and so that other people might be enticed to come over if a cool guy is coming over and I already promised you like 100 times that it was a coincidence that Baxter and myself ended up in the alley that one time and at the same time. He did not point his squirt gun at me. He was taking a pee and I startled him and then he swung his body around, which was when he ended up pointing it at me, but it was innocent, that's all."

"Hmph! My other spy says different, Petey P, but Baxter is in the rearview anyways, so, well, get with it then with your buzzed up double squirted Smoothie!"

Well, I was just wandering around in between the buildings of the Strip and I never saw another guy pee before and I wanted to know if it was a myth that guys always write words with it. LOL, yep, they do. But with really bad hand writing, so.

[Petey P gets flung to side as he exits the Smoothie Shop. Well, Petey P oddly side steps a little to make it look like Butch was in control]

"Hey, Petey P, are you trying to a make a move on my woman then? Like turn her into a lesbian for some crazy two-timing lesbian thing in the bed, huh? I'm being two timed, Petey P, two timed, I say!"

"OMG, Butch, Canary Mary is not your woman and she will never be your woman and by the way, she would have to one time with you before she could possibly two time on you and neither of those things are ever going to happen, so?"

"Well, just shut it, Petey P! Anyways, since I pulled you a whole two steps to the side and since I'm on the boo-hoo rebound from being two timed by Canary Mary, I mean, you and I should have quick rebound sex tonight! And I mean you should have rebound sex on me, so."

"[Slurp] Butch, you shut it and hush about sex! That's never happening either! However, I might be having a sunken river vessel rescue viewing party tomorrow, so is that something you might be interested in then, Butch? And your faggot on the side ass can hug squeeze me once for yes and hug squeeze me twice for no, so?"

[Hug, squeeze, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump]

"[Slurp] you're such a faggot, Butch, but let me set it straight for you. There is a good chance that my roomie will be in attendance and just as good of a chance that Falcon Franny will be there too, so get all confused about that then, Butch!"

Well, you see, folks, Falcon Franny is a very traditional, yet modern goth girl, who is way too pleasant sometimes and the roomie, Peacock Penny, she's in a retro throw back scene girl phase, but take away Peacock Penny's colorful platinum blonde hair and she and Falcon Franny are basically the same.

Or for short in terms of Butch, LOL, two more girls who will never ever one time with him.

"Petey P, that's not fair! I'm going to marry Peacock Penny with her six colors in her hair and then the lovely, yet goth girl, Falcon Franny, will fall for my charms and become my side girlfriend after I wed Peacock Penny and well, I mean, I've been trying to fag on you like forever, so there's no point giving up on that now, right? Oh, and momma Peacock Penny just has to be my MILF cougar, so."

"[Slurp] Butch, Peacock Penny has four colors in her hair, plus her platinum blonde base, so get your numbers straight! And I'm getting of explaining that! So, once again, faggot, was that one dry hump or two then, hmm? Since you went ahead and got your dick all straight anyways."

[Hug, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump]

Well, that's about all I do and that's that and he's the fag since he knows I'm a guy in the wrong shorts. As they say. Also, I mean, I needed people at my mixer, so.

[Wood Screw Shop door chime jingle, jangle]

"[Slurp] hey there, hey, Screwball! Do you love me yet or am I still at the bottom of your list, hmm? And it is words from the Strip that says you want to bottom me hard, not my words, so?"

"Well, I don't know, Petey P, unless you want to talk about those words in the back room of my Wood Screw shop then, hmm?"

"[Slurp] maybe another night, Screwball, but not tonight. I'm on a mission to spread the word about my viewing mixer tomorrow afternoon, so?"

"Oh, oh, well, will your roomie, Peacock Penny, be there too? I could go for a double fuck of roomies, Petey P, like double banging with sisters, so?"

Oh, so Déjà Vu then? I mean, I apologize for how many times the word "double" comes up in my story, folks, but it's them, not me, so.

"[Slurp] well, I was thinking that Sparrow Sadie is more of your type, Screwball, but you're welcome to stop by my place to be bored out of your mind, if you promise to behave yourself, so?"

"Um, I thought I liked Peacock Penny better, so? I mean, she's hot with those six colors in her hair, so?"

OMG, right? Is there such a thing as a double Déjà Vu?

"Screwball, Peacock Penny has fours colors plus her platinum blonde base, so try to keep your numbers straight! Unless you want to be like Butch and Finch Frank. Anyways, as always, Peacock Penny is off limits, so, Sparrow Sadie then, hmm??????"

"Petey P, you can't call dibs on everyone and not have sex with anyone! It's just not right!"

Hah! I most certainly can call dibs on everyone if I want too! They don't call dibs back, but that's on them, not me, so.

"[Slurp] well, Screwball, you're welcome to stop by anytime after 2pm and there will be refreshments, but the only "doubling" will be the two identical crane salvage barges that are in the docked in the river! Which are already anchored in place and look like two floating pizza boxes, LOL."

"Oh, so the city doubled up with the salvage crane barges then, Petey P? Are you getting any ideas, hmm?"

[Wood Screw Shop door chime jingle, jangle in reverse]

So, here's the thing, the city announcement clearly stated that it will be a boring viewing event for the speed or for the lack of speed of which the sunken in the muck vessel is raised, but I can still have a fake viewing mixer anyways, right?

[Metal Screw Shop door chime jingle, jangle]

"[Slurp] hey, Starling Darling Darla, I'm hosting a sunken vessel lift viewing party tomorrow and you're welcome to stop by, if you promise to not get into an argument with Screwball about which type of screw is better, so?"

"Hmph! Screwball is not my type of a screw, Petey P, but I could hang out in your backyard for a couple of hours. I mean, will the very single and recently dumped, Baxter be there then, right, hmm?"

Oh, I warned of this coming moment just above, so let the ex-BFF battle begin then! But even though I promised Canary Mary that I would keep my spy eye on Baxter, I never said that I might be spying with a learning eye as Starling Darling Darla makes time with Baxter, so.

"[Slurp] 2pm and summer shorts and a bikini top are the dress code. I mean, not for me, so?"

"(Pervert) alright, Petey P, I'll stop around then."

[Metal Screw Shop door chime jingle, jangle in reverse]

Oh, the dress code was just confirmation and authorization of what was going to happen anyways, so I was just making it legit for ladies! And being a little bit of a pervert, LOL.

[Creak, well the Fruit Market has old wooden doors that just barely stay up, let alone a chime]

"[Slurp] Hey, Falcon Franny, I'm having a sunken vessel viewing party tomorrow afternoon and it promises to be as boring as boring can be, if you're interested, so?"

"Hmph! Nice try, pervert! Your invites are traveling faster on social media than you can walk, but I do have a lady pirate dress costume left over from last Halloween, so, 2pm then, hmm?"

Oh, Falcon Franny can call it a lady pirate dress all she wants! It's a corset with a ridiculously short skirt sewn on the bottom and that's that! And by the way, it's all that, so.

"[Slurp] some of your lost boys can come too, Falcon Franny, so?"

"Hmm."

"Well, I already talked to Finch Frank, but if Zapata Zack wanted to make amends with me or at least not run away, which I thought was my thing, I mean, zap Zapata Zack a text or something at least to see if he owns a black leather vest for an afternoon viewing event [slurp], no matter how boring it may be, so?"

"Hmph!"

"[Slurp] all of my neighbors will cry over your pirate costume dress, Falcon Franny."

"Well, I'll come around, Petey P, but whatever is between Zack and yourself will be of your own doing, but I'll zap Zack a text for you, but that's all. And a new pair of leather fingerless gloves wouldn't hurt, Petey P, so."

"2pm, Falcon Franny and I'll stop by the Fingerless Glove shop down the Strip and get black for you and red for Peacock Penny then."

"Oh, well, okay, but Carinal Carrie from the Fingerless Glove shop wants you to put a baby in her belly for a perfectly sized daughter, so watch it! And tell, Peacock Penny that I said, hey, there, hey."

Well, that was news to me! And exciting that someone thought I could reach enough to make a baby!

[Wooden Fruit Market doors creak and swing close, but not tight, more like a western saloon]

Anyways, I knew where the Falcon Franny's lost boys hung out at on the Strip and I still had to walk south back towards my truck, so I stopped by the lost boys hang out spot.

"Hey there, hey, Zapata Zack, um, if Falcon Franny hints at a river lift viewing party that promises to be a total dud, I mean, it's for real and I'm hosting it, but listen, if there is a 99% chance of failure, I mean, that leaves a 1% chance that someone might actually say they are enjoying things, which could cause me to hyperventilate and need a little mouth to mouth to save the day, so. Oh, and I could hyperventilate in the rear of my house or in the laundry room, [slurp] so?"

"Hmph! Petey P, do you think that being just a big tease is okay all the time, hmm? It's just not right!"

Well, that was a slap in the face!

"[Slurp] yeah, Zapata Zack? What if I toss it out there right now that we can jump into your SUV right now and discuss this topic in the alley, hmm?"

"Oh, so, are you tossing that out there then, Petey P? I'll drive you hard on the down low, Petey P!"

"(Gulp) well, you're supposed to go all bat crazy on me and chase me away then, Zapata Zack! Not call me out [slurp, gulp, slurp]. Don't you ever read the rulebooks, hmm [slurp]?"

"Bye, Petey P!"

Oh, well, that is in the rulebook, so. It's also in the rulebook that after a slap in face call out, it's time to call it a night right after stopping by the Fingerless Glove shop. I had spread enough of the word and as Falcon Franny mentioned, social media could do the rest, LOL, hopefully. I just really wanted some people to come over. Some. Or any people for short.

[Fingerless Glove shop door chime jingle, jangle]

"Oh, Sparrow Sadie, um, Cardinal Carrie isn't working tonight then?"

"Oh, hey, Petey P, um, nope, she's off with Paul trying to create a basketball player of a son, I think, so."

"Oh, well, good, I mean, she always does change her mind about things, so, um, Sparrow Sadie, um..."

"Say no more, Petey P. Pick out some fingerless gloves! Social media travels much faster than your little legs can walk! And my brother says that your daytime viewing party will probably be a bust since the salvage cranes will spend most of the afternoon just going all "grr, clunk, brr, snap, lift, jolt, clunk, brr" and stuff. However, if you by a miracle, you manage to hold onto a few guests as the day wears on, I mean, shoot me a text and maybe I'll bring a batch of burgers over or something. I mean, most certainly Peacock Penny's crew, the confused scene boys, will be there, right Petey P?"

Damn, I forgot about Peacock Penny's crew! Yay, some people that I didn't have to trick! Yay.

"And I'm not shy, Petey P! We can double up because I know confused crew guy Robert has an eye on your ass like all the time, so? Oops, I meant he has an eye for you, so?"

[Fingerless Glove shop door chime jingle, jangle in reverse]

Anyways, yay, people! My mixer may not be totally empty after all then!

And to my surprise, huh, a few people did show up around 2pm, so, well, my sunken vessel raising party was on! Also, it wasn't much of a mixer, but it was what it was in the beginning, so.

"So, this should be exciting, right, Baxter? Almost? Sort of? And do all crane salvage barges look like floating pizza boxes then, hmm?"

"Petey P, are you going to flap your lips all afternoon? But crane salvage barges were never meant to double as a luxury river boat, so probably yes, on that double floating pizza box thing."

Well, another damn slap in the face! LOL, and another mention of a double.

"Well, if things are going to get rude, then I'll just leave you be, so?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Petey P, I didn't mean for you to run off on me. This is a nice viewing spot. So, sit down, LOL, if you can actually sit down in those shorts!"

Well, it was my house, so.

"Ha, ha! But I should make a couple of snake charmer leg twisting maneuvers on my way down, so, no peeking."

Hah! Baxter peeked! Not that there was much fear of anything popping out. But guys always peek!

"Well, smooth moves, Petey P! Anyways, back to your original questions, we probably won't see much more than an extremely old flat bottom vessel structure covered in muck, but not until well after the salvage cranes stop going all "grr, clunk, brr, snap, lift, jolt, clunk, brr" and stuff, so."

"Yeah, but a pirate ship is a pirate ship and all pirate ships have the booty, right Baxter?"