Physical Education 203: Sexual Positions

The University's course catalog read as follows:

Physical Education 203; Sexual Positions. This course will explore the various positions available to enhance an individual's sexual experiences. Prerequisites; Students must have satisfactorily completed Physical Education 201; Foreplay, and Physical Education 202, Contraceptives. Students must be twenty years of age on or before the first day of class, must be medically certified to be free of any sexually transmitted disease, and willing to sign a waiver releasing the college from any and all liabilities. Enrollment is limited. Members of the same family may not enroll in the same session. Classes will meet Tuesday and Thursday in room 115 of the South Dormitory at 10:00 A M. Instructor will be Professor John J. Jones.

Last Thursday, at the first meeting of the class, there were twenty-two students in attendance, eleven males and eleven females. Professor Jones introduced his assistant, Deborah Green, a graduate student. The professor then assigned a text and gave an illustrated lecture on the missionary position and the doggie position.

Professor Jones then directed the members of the class to pick a study partner of the opposite gender from their classmates, and assigned homework for the weekend. "Practice both the missionary and the doggie positions over the weekend with your study partner."

An unidentified voice from the middle of the classroom asked, "Do we have to keep the same partner throughout the fifteen weeks of this course."

"No. I expect and want you to change partners on each homework assignment. I want you to have as broad an experience as possible."

The professor then asked "Are there any other questions?"

Caroline, sitting in the front center of the classroom asked, "Does our study partner have to be from this class?"

"For the purposes of this class, you must practice each position with a classmate. If you choose to get further experience with someone else, that's up to you."

Barbara spoke next. "Does our partner have to be of the opposite sex? Mary and I have been lovers since we met freshman year." Barbara indicated Mary to be the woman sitting next to her.

"Yes, it must be someone of the opposite sex."

At this point, Mary spoke up. "Do we have to use contraceptives? Barbara and I want to have a baby of our own. We won't ask our classmate for child support."

The big guy on football scholarship stood up and said directly to Mary, "I'll be happy to knock you up. How soon can we meet?"

"Sit down," the professor said sternly. "Mary, if you get pregnant, you will be on your own. You signed a waiver releasing the University from all responsibility."

"Barbara will support me and the baby," was Mary's reply. Turning to the "big guy on football scholarship" she said, "Will you be my partner?"

"Sure will," he responded with a satisfied grin.

The professor shook his head and asked, "Are there any more questions?"

A well-dressed man on the left of the classroom said, "I don't think it's fair for you to give homework over the weekend."

"You're in college, not in grade school," the professor retorted. "There will be homework every weekend."

An unidentified female voice rolled her eyes and sighed, "Sounds good to me."

Another voice asked, "May I use my wife?"

"You may use your wife whenever she says you may but not for the purposes of this course. Your purpose here is to broaden your experience. No, you may not use your wife as your partner for the purpose of this course."

"Oh, good," the student replied,

"Next question. You, Janice. What is your question?"

"May I go to the bathroom? I have to pee."

"Go. Next question."

A whistle of admiration accompanied Janice as her fanny wiggled its way out of the classroom.

Ron asked, "Do we have to take a shower before we do our homework?"

"That's up to you and your partner."

An unidentified female voice said, "You can shower with me."

"Who said that," Ron asked.

"Over here," the female voice responded. It turned out to be Susan.

Ron moved to Susan's side and the couple made their plans.

The seven foot-two-inches tall man in the back who had a basketball scholarship asked, "Who wants to partner with me?"

The petite, four foot-eleven-inches woman in the leftmost row answered, "Me."

Some wise-guy, best not identified, shouted, "Is your tube long enough to handle his shaft?"

"That's enough of that," the professor snarled. "All tubes are long enough to handle all natural shafts. Next question."

Vinnie asked, "Professor, will you and Miss Green be demonstrating positions?"

"Miss Green and I only give demonstrations in Physical Education 204, Advanced Sexual Positions. You have to pass this course in order to enroll in that course."

The slight, brunette wearing dark-rimmed eyeglasses who was sitting in the corner seat asked, "Professor, will you be my partner?"

"I would be honored to be your partner at some future date, but not while this course is in session."

Another unidentified voce asked, "For those of us who don't perform so well, is tutoring available?"

"Miss Green and I maintain office hours Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. If you want extra help, there are two sign-up sheets outside my office door, one for men and one for women. Either Miss Green or I will help you depending on the need."

Barbara, the lesbian, interjected, directing her question to Miss Green, she asked, "Miss Green, would you be willing to tutor Mary and me in lesbian positions?"

Miss Green broke her silence. "Yes, see me after the class is dismissed."

"Professor, what will be the final exam?"

Professor Jones answered, "You will be required to demonstrate that you have mastered one or more of the positions we covered in this class. Miss Green will select a position or two for each male member of our class to demonstrate with her. The female member s of our class will demonstrate their mastery of one or more positions with me.

Professor concluded his class with the following statement. "Remember, homework is an essential part of your education. Put as much time as possible into studying the positions I will teach you throughout the course.

Class is dismissed.