Piano Man

The women talked about the food and the weather. The men talked about the roads between Colorado and where they lived and they talked about the weather. Josh ate and thought about playing the "Battle Hymn." He loved it! It was powerful and soft. It was fast and pounding and gentle in places.

Barb noticed he closed his eyes and his fingers were twitching as he played an imaginary piano. Her eyes filled with tears she was so very happy. She only wished her mom had lived long enough to be with them and enjoy Josh.

When dinner was over, Josh and the women cleaned up. The women carried the leftovers and Josh took the dirty plates, silverware and glasses to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later everyone was finding a seat in the living room.

Josh sat on the piano bench. Frank remarked, "That's a great looking piano."

Josh said, "Mom sanded it down and painted it. It was ugly when she bought it."

Frank complimented her on doing such a great job. His wife asked what she used to get that satin finish.

Grandpa interrupted by saying, "We didn't drive for hours to talk about furniture refinishing. I want to hear the boy play!"

Brad, Josh's Dad, waited five more seconds and said, "Ok, Josh. Go for it!"

Josh played. He looked at the keys and he looked inside at whatever images helped him know where his fingers needed to go. He included pieces from ten different arrangements of the "Battle Hymn." He didn't look at the faces of the adults around him. To use a Zen term, Josh became the music.

When he stopped playing the room stayed still. The music had stopped but it still reverberated through the people listening and watching.

The first person to speak was Grandpa, "I've never been so touched by music in my life!"

Josh looked at his Grandpa, expecting to see the same stone faced old man he always saw. His faced had softened and a tear slowly ran down his cheek. Barb noticed he was holding Grandma's hand.

Frank stood up and said, "I heard you were good! They didn't tell the whole story. Josh, you're great. You should be giving a concert!"

When Barb was able she served cake and ice cream. The cake had the candles for Josh's birthday on it. Everyone sang and Josh blew out the candles.

Dad said, "We have a surprise for you. It's out in front in the back of Frank's truck."

By the time any adult got out the front door Josh had made it to the truck and unwrapped his bike. He hugged his Mom, his Dad and then everyone else. Frank helped him get it out of the truck and Frank adjusted the fit so the bike fit the boy and not the other way round.

With permission Josh rode off to show off. The last words he heard as he left were, "Be home before dark!" He was.

One of the nice things about a small town was that everyone knew when anyone did something great. About a week after Josh got his bike his class was in the auditorium for something and Josh saw the piano. He asked his teacher if he could play it. Being a pretty smart lady she said yes. He played "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." All the kids gathered around the piano and watched as Josh played. From that day on Josh was no longer the first baseman, or a wide receiver. Josh was a pianist.

He loved being the pianist. It made him special. It made him popular and as time went on it made him some money. He still played sports, still went swimming and climbed trees, too. He spent many hours sitting on the piano bench playing popular songs, rag-time, classical music and anything he or his Momma wanted to hear. Josh knew his Momma loved hearing him play while she cooked, cleaned and did her chores around the house.

After he finished high school he was able to get a scholarship to study music, so he left their little town and went to college. Three years later he graduated and got a job with a symphony orchestra. During his college years and his first three years as a professional Josh met and dated many delightful young women. As a second year musician with the symphony he and a violinist shared an apartment and a bed. It was easy and comfortable for both of them but emotionally unsatisfying for her because he didn't develop the feelings for her that she hoped for. After the year was over, she moved on and Josh found a new roommate, a cellist. She stayed almost a year.

Josh made time each year to go home and spend time with his parents and some of his friends from when he lived in the small town. While he was home he spent lots of time playing the piano for his Momma.

At the age of twenty-eight Josh and another musician got in a heated argument after a concert and they were unfortunate enough to do so in front of the main financial benefactor of the symphony. Before the next rehearsal both men were released and looking for work.

For Josh's next year he easily found work but had problems keeping the jobs he got. The stature of the jobs decreased from working in a symphony orchestra to a dance band to piano back up in a nightclub. He kept feeling like something was missing from his life. He couldn't quite identify what was missing, but whatever it was made it difficult for him to accept his life as it was. He moved from a very nice two bedroom apartment on the fifth floor of a very nice building to a studio apartment under a brownstone.

In the symphony, he wore a tux to every performance. On his thirtieth birthday he wore black Levis and a black turtleneck sweater to the nightclub. He seldom spoke to anyone at the nightclub, instead he just played and became like a part of the furniture. No one paid attention to what kind of piano the nightclub had and no one paid any attention to the man playing the piano.

He hadn't invited a woman home since he'd moved into the brownstone basement studio.

Josh had a cell phone but no landline. The month of his birthday it had rung three times. It rang when his Dad called to see if he could come home for a visit, maybe for his birthday. Josh said he was really busy but maybe he could get there before summer. A week later the phone rang again, Josh answered and it was his Mom. She said she called because she missed him, then she let him know that his Dad was very sick.

He had cancer.

The night of his thirty-first birthday Josh felt the phone vibrate while he was playing on stage. When he was on break he hit the button and the phone called his Mom. She sounded like she had been crying.

"Josh, your Dad is in the hospital. They have him on a lot of pain killers and the doctor says that if you want to say Good-bye you should come home now."

It was midnight. He was standing backstage in a nightclub. Three of the women who danced in the club were backstage with him, ignoring him. They changed clothes in front of him as if he wasn't even there. It was Ok. He wasn't there. He thought about the money he had and how much it would cost to get home.

Twenty minutes later he was in his apartment tossing everything he had of any value into his car. By one-thirty in the morning he was on the road with his car pointed at Nebraska.

When he was a few hours drive from home he called and told Mom where he was. She told him to drive safely and hurry. He did both. He didn't go home, he went to the hospital. As he walked in he saw Judy Burns, a girl he knew from school. She was the nurse for his Dad. She saw Josh and pointed down the hall, "Room 28" she said as he passed.

Dad was propped up in bed, tubes and wires all over the place and a ventilator mask covering his mouth. Mom was beside the bed looking scared and old. Josh said, "Mom."

She turned and Dad's eyes opened. She rushed into his arms and sobbed. She felt frail and he felt her chest rack with a sob as he held her. He held her as he moved to Dad and touched his hand. Mom sat back down and Dad pulled the mask away so he could speak.

"Son, take care of your mom. She needs you. I need you. I'm proud of you." He put the mask on and took three breaths. He pulled it away and said, "I love you both." Mom helped get the mask back on him and Josh said, "I promise." He had no idea how he could promise anything. His life was a shambles.

Judy brought him a chair when she came in to check Dad's vital signs. They were weak and fading. Before dawn he was gone.

All the arrangements had been made weeks before. Josh took Mom home. A list was near the phone of all the phone calls that needed to happen. Josh got his Mom onto her bed and covered her. She softly cried herself to sleep. Josh sat to make the calls and noticed the list was written in his Dad's hand. His tears fell and he quietly sobbed the tears of loss, helplessness and despair.

At eight in the morning he made the first call. At eleven he had checked off every number. Mom came out of her bedroom still dressed from when they had been at the hospital.

She took him to the chair that had been his Dad's chair and sat him in it. She climbed into his lap and curled up. A minute late she was asleep again. So was Josh.

While they slept their friends started dropping by. The first was Alice McGreggor. She and her husband ran the feed store in town and Alice had been a life long friend of Barbara's. She opened the front door, saw her best friend curled up on Josh's lap and crept inside the house. She disconnected the phone and crept back out of the house. She sat on one of the two porch rockers and called the phone company office in town.

"Betty, Alice here. You know Brad died last night. I want you to transfer any calls that would be going to their house to me. Josh is home and he's talking care of his Momma right now."

"Done! Their phone won't ring."

"Thanks Betty." She sat on the porch for five hours. She fielded phone calls and guarded the front door. Inside, Josh and Momma slept.

Alice got one of the callers to make dinner and bring it over. She woke Josh and Momma in time for them to wash up before dinner arrived. Alice and Mrs. Wentworth ate with them. Mrs. Wentworth had made dinner. Comfort food she called it. Josh would have called it tuna and noodle casserole. He went through the motions when Alice reminded him to take a bite. He wasn't hungry. He was stunned.

After they ate Alice took Momma into the bedroom and got her changed into fresh clothes. Mrs. Wentworth got Josh to carry in his suitcase and told him to change clothes too. He went on automatic pilot and somehow got cleaned up and in fresh clothes.

After the funeral the principal sat with Josh on the front porch.

"It may be too soon, but I want to offer you a job. The school needs a music teacher. Think about it, Ok?"

Josh looked at him a long time and said, "I'll take it. When do you want me to start?"

"The new semester starts in a month. We can start you in two weeks, that way you'll have some set-up time."

They shook on it. Josh knew that the handshake in that town was better than six lawyers in New York City.

Having the job got Josh out of the funk and into action. His getting into action got his Mom into action and by the time the new semester started neither of them cried in the daytime. Mom still cried at bedtime. Josh heard her. On the one month anniversary of his Dad's death Josh took Momma to the cemetery and they left flowers

One afternoon a storm came out of the west and by the time school let out it was raining hard. Momma made soup and homemade bread for supper. She jumped every time the lightning flashed and jumped again when the thunder rumbled.

Josh played the old piano after dinner and when the grandfather clock chimed ten o'clock they both went down the hallway, got ready and went to their separate beds for the night.

At two-ten in the morning Momma was awakened by lightning flashing close to the house. A second later the thunder shook the house. Josh sat up in bed and then calmed himself and went back to sleep. Momma didn't go back to sleep. Storms had scared her since she was a young girl.

At two-twenty another flash of lightning lit up Momma's bedroom. In a flash of her own Momma was out of bed and into Josh's room. She lifted the covers and crawled into bed with him. She wrapped herself in his arms and felt safe. She trembled in his arms and Josh just held her, not thinking of any implications of having his Momma in bed with him.

The lightning stopped. It rained the rest of the night and most of the next day. Nothing was said by Josh or his Momma about Momma sleeping with Josh.

At ten o'clock they went down the hallway and Josh turned left, Momma turned right. Half an hour later Momma walked across the hall and climbed into bed with Josh. They both slept well. When Josh's alarm sounded Momma was already in the kitchen making breakfast.

They didn't talk about it. Momma made it her ritual of getting ready for bed and then joining Josh in bed. Part of the ritual was they didn't say anything about sleeping together.

Students and their families started asking Josh to tutor them after school. Josh started meeting students after school and so his work day extended until dinner time almost every school night of the week.

He saw and worked with students and was able to avoid getting very interested in them romantically or even sexually as he knew that in a small town he would be found out and lose his job.

As time passed he noticed his Momma was losing weight. He noticed, not because she looked thinner but because she felt thinner in bed with him. Thinner and bonier. He made an appointment for her at the doctor. He agreed she was losing weight. He did blood work and x-rays. A week later Josh got a call.

"Josh, I need to see you and your Mom in my office. When can you come in, together?"

"Tomorrow. It's serious, isn't it?"

"Yes."

The next day after school Josh took Barb to see the doctor. They sat in his office, not an exam room.

"I could get all technical and use words intended to impress you with how smart I am. I won't do that to you. The simple truth is you have cancer, very much like the cancer that your husband had. We can do the chemo and the radiation, like we did for Brad. It may prolong your life by a few weeks."

Momma asked, "Will I be as sick as Brad?"

"If you do the chemo and radiation, probably. I'm not going to lie to you. This is a tough way to go whichever path you choose."

Josh looked at her and it was obvious the doctor was right. She was smaller, thinner and her skin didn't look healthy. She grasped his hand and said, "I don't want anything except pain killers. Brad wanted to stay so he wouldn't leave me alone. Josh is young, good looking and the women stay away because he's taking care of me. I'll make the arrangements just like Brad did and I'll go." She stood, shook the doctor's hand and walked out. Josh shook his hand and said, "No point in arguing. She's thought it through and that's her plan."

Josh helped his Momma plan everything. Her biggest, strongest request was that Josh play at the funeral. He asked what she wanted him to play. "Clare de Lune." She answered.

She continued to do her nighttime ritual and slip into bed with Josh as long as she could. On the night she couldn't make it across the hall, Josh slid into her bed and held her gently all night. He cried, knowing and feeling her slipping away a little more each night.

He hired Judy to take care of her a couple hours every day. On the fifth day she arrived early and made breakfast. Then she went to check on Mrs. Peterson and found them sleeping together. She carefully backed out of the bedroom and dropped a pan in the kitchen. After Josh left for school she talked with Mrs. Peterson.

Momma said, "I know you saw us in bed."

"It's none of my business."

"When Josh let me into his bed the first time I was frightened by a lightning storm. He held me and I felt safe. I slept better than night than I had since before Brad got sick. I always wear pajamas and he always does too. When I couldn't walk to his room in the dark he came to me. He's an honorable man who gave up a lot to come home and take care of me." She ate her breakfast slowly and Judy got her back in bed.

Momma said, "I'm sure he'd rather have his arms wrapped around you than a sick old woman, but I'm so grateful for those hours of comfort." Judy knew she slept a lot because of the high levels of pain killers she was taking.

Judy watched how Josh was with his Momma. The kindness was constant. He would help her up into his lap as he sat in his Dad's chair and she curled into his lap and slept there as he watched TV. She would see him gently carry her to bed, help her eat and tell her about his day at school.

Judy was her nurse. Josh kept her alive. Judy knew she gave Mrs. Peterson good care and she knew Josh was loving her every day. She'd known Josh all her life. They were in the same class from first grade on through graduating high school. She'd never seen a man so kind and gentle as he was with his Momma.

One morning she let herself into the house and went into the kitchen and started coffee for herself and Josh and oatmeal for Mrs. Peterson. She had stopped dropping a pan to wake them up. She opened the bedroom door and said, "Good Morning" instead. That morning she opened the door and started to cry.

Josh was sitting on the edge of the bed, rocking his mother in his arms. It was obvious she was gone. Judy backed out and called the hospital. The receptionist answered and Judy choked on the words, "Mrs. Peterson is gone." Half an hour passed before the quiet ambulance arrived. In that half hour Judy went into Josh's bedroom and got into his bed, rumpled the sheets and pillow and left the door open so it would look like Josh had slept in his own bed.

Josh carried his Momma out to the ambulance and tucked her onto the gurney. When the ambulance was gone Judy got him back in the house. He sat by the phone and cried for an hour as he had cried when his Dad died. Judy then saw him start on the list and make every call himself. When the box of tissues ran out she replaced it. Judy had heard all about how Alice McGreggor had stood watch when Brad died.

When Josh finished his calls Judy helped him lie down on the couch and he fell asleep. She unplugged the phone and did just what she knew Alice had done.

She called the phone company. "Betty, This is Judy. You know Mrs. Peterson died last night. I want you to transfer any calls that would be going to their house to me. Josh is home and he needs some quiet time right now."

"Done! Their phone won't ring."

"Thanks Betty." She sat on the porch for eight hours. She fielded phone calls and guarded the front door. Inside, Josh slept. Two other friends who had grown up with Josh and Judy brought Judy food and gave her a break. She crept into the house and used the bathroom.

Their friends went home to their families and Judy woke Josh to eat. He ate because Judy told him to. After he ate he had Judy sit on the couch and he sat at the piano his Momma had refinished for him and he played "Clare de Lune". He played it ten times or maybe more. Tears fell on the keys and into Judy's lap.

When he stopped playing he stood up and slowly went to his room, undressed and went to bed. For the first time in months he got into bed naked.

Judy sat on the couch crying. Mrs. Peterson had told her about "Clare de Lune" and how important it was to her. She felt the love when Josh played. When she could stand she walked to the front door and locked it. She stood in the hallway outside Josh's room and undressed. She walked into his room and slid into bed with him, holding him as he had held his Momma.

In the middle of that night Josh turned over and held Judy. When morning came and light woke them Josh was three inches from her face touching his. He gently kissed her awake. Her eyes opened and she smiled at him."

He said, "Thank you. Thank you for knowing what I needed and giving me that gift. Thank you for listening as I played for Momma last night. Thank you for letting me love her just as she needed to be loved."