All Comments on 'Pibroch and Chaconne'

made no sense at all chould have done without the middle east stuff

So to recap, their is no cheating wife, there is no sex, and this is in the wrong category

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I was wondering why a story of yours was scoring so low

Now I know, and agree

Stupid.

what the fuck was that all about?

this shit is just unreadable. Its convoluted contrived badly written and boring

Please tell me that there isn’t another four chapters of this cliched overwrought drivel.

don't write,what you don't know.a writing cluster fuck.

Excellent story, sir! Will there be a follow-up?

Great story!

5

Amazing storytelling. Your writing has always been good, but this is a step beyond! The build of suspense was fantastic.

Will there be a sequel? It feels kinda incomplete.

Biggest load of BULLSHIT I have ever read on this site.

Excellent! A riveting story, and plenty of meat for the imagination.

Excellent story!

Are you on crack?

WOW. The depth of this story is so far removed from the normal level of story/writing as to be in a different universe. A tad "cold war" mental battling upgraded to a more recent war. Well done. I started to wonder on a couple of ocassions as the story unfolded until... whammo... you let rip. Excellent. Many thanks for the priviledge to read. Cheers.

Pretty boring.

Would prefer a more definitive ending. Preferably one where the love from his wife corrects the false memories. Just feels unfinished. Thanks for the original story.

That was dark. Nicely written. Thanks for sharing.

Well written. I am looking forward to part two. We will see if the Captain's special forces training prevails.

Really liked the first half of the story but really hated the second half. 2 stars from me.

Underscored, but what can you expect from the LIT audience? This was brilliant. What a fine writer.

Stupid. Doesnt belong here. Try "Soldiers of Fortune"

Props for the interesting and relatively original story line. It probably isn't going to be a hall of fame story because people are going, "Yeah, that happened." But it was different.

Very very good, but I don't want to have to make up the ending myself, I read these stories to be told a tale.

That was definitely different. Thanks for sharing!

Too much of a plot changes to comprehend. The first part seemed legit and very well written. Arriving home to the swift change in his civilian life was way to much. Finally back to the third world and the master plan completely destroyed the story.

This is a great read but why put it in LW. It detracts from the story and the themes of war and conflicts, black and white v shades of grey.

Certainly original, but the latter part stretched credulity. As always, good writing and a fertile imagination. 4 stars

This story is confusing for me. For all I know, he went to kill a target and did it. Next, for everyone, it looks like he escaped and came back home, where he find his wife railroaded by a 2 star General, who is trying to bury him for his personal satisfaction. Then we learn he did not escape and he is being "brainwashed?" to be a weapon against who knows.

And it ends with some lyrics. Those lyrics may make sense for some, but I don't get them.

I have enjoyed many of your stories, but this one confused me.

May be it's an unfinished story?

So no ending at all, or is there a sequel? Interesting story, but ending where you did is frustrating. 4 stars for the writing, a star lost for the "ending ".

1/2 a story....

In an attempt to tell a story and be clever, this got lost in the woods. Too many words that had no meaning. Too many words that led nowhere. Too vague. Too convoluted. I understood that the wife was a whore but everything else was lost. Even the Title was weird.

Clever but I didn't like it. Well written so despite not liking the story - 4 stars

I NEVER comment. Well Done.

Spooky as hell but well done.

This story lost me on exactly what was supposed to be going on most of the time.

Nice, but ultimately not really a loving wives category material imho.

WOW, really liked it. Very intriguing. Done just right. This could be the end or is it? Very well done.

5 BIG FAT STARS! Thank you Mr. Jim.

Too complicated to enjoy. Did not like it at all. Too many blind alleys.

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2 **

A story that is well told, but works with completely wrong content. It seems to me you've seen the movie "Total Recall" too many times. What an easy world it would be if it worked that way. But that didn't work out in this film either. That being said, I cannot accept that you are trying to poke around through the back door that the US is the aggressor and not the attacked! Even in such simple stories, some people try to rewrite the story. In the former Yugoslavia, the Serbs tried to create "tabula rasa" through genocide. Thank goodness the international community prevented that! And we don't even need to discuss 9/11!

I'm feeling like that time when I was 10 years old and had climbed up on the roof of our house with a too short ladder. Getting up there was easy, hanging over the edge feeling for the ladder to get down was unsettling. That's this story. I don't like feeling like I'm hanging in midair with nothing solid under my feet. This story left me hanging off a cliff face...which I have also done...and the feeling is definitely worse. TANSTAAFL

Well done. But it needs more, a lot more. Is there more?

If not and l suspect not, 4/5 for being incomplete

I normally really enjoy your writing but this was too convoluted and there's no ending.

What happened to the captain? Did he murder someone when he was rescued and sent back home, or was the plot foiled?

What happened to the innocent wife? Did she get her beloved husband back?

Did 'Murica launch some freedom missiles at the bad guys in retaliation?

Manchurian candidate meets erotica , generally they have sex and this is its offspring , that is if I remember correctly !!! This story has the makings of a great novel and Hollywood movie . It’s different but it’s intriguing and thought provoking , not to mention very well written ! It does however need at least one more chapter to clarify the altered realities so they make sense then bring it to a definitive close , something I think will probably take a couple more chapters at least ! Paul Harvey and I are looking forward to ‘the rest of the story’ !

I reall liked this story. Part 1 of 5. It seems this story never actually happened. It is what was fed to him by his captors. That is why his wife was told he was missing and told he died on a far away battlefield. I can’t wait to read the next part.

Shades of The Manchurian Candidate and the Bourne series. There is limitless potential here and I am really looking forward to see where this goes in the future.

You were once a pretty decent writer. Not anymore. What happened?

OK, I get the miss-directions/twists but is this a 'February Sucks' expecting others to complete the story? Due to it being left as a virtual setup for sequels and NOT stating your intent for this story - it rates low. And I have to challenge this LW posting as she never cheated - Capt only thinks she did due to drugs and manipulation by the enemy.

/

3*, Hooyah

Almost like a story

eh not my cup of tea. not even sure the LW part was even relevant. what was that Manchurian Canidate? not sure if i spelled that right

All I could see here was the Manchurian Candidate using Afghanistan instead.

Absolutely brilliant!

"Somewhere there had to be an answer."

We've been to somewhere, we've seen elsewhere, but we haven't heard the Chaconne yet. Perhaps we'll find out how well Marines can compartmentalize (or that they can't at all). Heading back for my first re-read.

This is only a fraction of a story. Interesting start, sort of a take on Total Recall, but not even close to complete. As such it should be marked as chapter 1 of a serial. Asking your readers to dive into something like this and then leaving them hanging with no warning isn't right.

I sort of understand what you were trying to do here but it fell flat.

That was good. Well written great plot.

Though kinda morbid and tragic but that is the way psychological thriller is should be.

Good job SleeperyJim.

Interesting plot twist had me going for a second. Well done, but maybe a little to "slick" for some readers. 5* for now - if no followup I'll come back and downgrade it.

Holy crap, that was good. You could (should?) expand this into a novel - and I'd pay money to read it.

To those who complain that this was in the wrong category or wrong site entirely - who gives a crap? If they serve you a Wagyu steak at McDonald's, would you whine and send it back, or enjoy the wholly unexpected delicacy?

A bit different but it displayed a good bit of cleverness. Well written.

Excellent writing in the service of a flawed plot.

I hope there is a part 2 soon. I like the story, but you left it with one hell of a cliff hanger.

Dont care what anyone else thinks, I made it near to the bottom of page two before the tsunami of stupid just got to be too damned much for me.

Maybe others are right in that it was well written, but that alone cant pull shit out of a pond and make it tasty.

Well researched, unless you were there, and such great imagination. This is a story that you can threaten me all day with " more to come", and I'll say give me as much more as you can write. Great idea, great story!

I applaud the attempt to add fresh themes and situations to the LW category. I don't think this one was a full-blown success, but it was well-written and original, and for that deserves full marks. --- 5 stars.

what?

This is a great story. I can’t wait for the next part. The first part of the story with his comrades getting killed was true. The rest was what his captors put in his head. The epilogue has an army Chaplin telling her that he died on a foreign battlefield. He was her only live and only man who had her body.

Had to come back to this. Almost every other story I’ve read of sleeperyjim’s has been either funny or very entertaining. This is just mind bogglingly bad.

I would advise, or perhaps encourage is a better word, to get a Yank to look over your work, a sort of continuity check, before your send it out there. No American refers to his gear as 'kit', and the ME is euphemistically referred to as the 'sandbox', not the 'sandlot'. That these were the only two obvious nits, that means it was one helluva, damn good story. Now, coming from a guy who's written long, long series, how about a finish? Leaving it looking like a 1960s-era film ending is not an option, is it? If nothing else, have him get hit by a runaway bus, so we never know what 'sheep' he was chasing, but not like this. No.

A very artsy and ambitious effort, but it is in the Wrong category. Just because a story includes a married couple, and includes the concept of adultery, doesn't make it a Loving Wives story. This should be in Non-erotic, or maybe Fantasy. The whole point of the plot is to illustrate the supposed creation of a killer mole by a superbly intelligent and extremely sophisticated enemy. Some camel jockeys, really? Is this some kind of adulation by fabrication? You don't know the first thing about these rag heads; your plot is ridiculous. You might as well create a story depicting a squad of Haitian commandos kidnapping Adolph Hitler.

Preposterous. I hope it was a fun write. Thanks for the effort.

Very well written, but not really a Loving wife's story.

This should be in non-erotic.

No real ending to the story.

What we have here is a truly original "came home early" LW tale, using a Manchurian Candidate angle. Have to rate this one highly for the quality of the concept and its execution.

Wow. That was intense and extremely well written. Being a bit of a Jethro Tull fan, I understand. Thanks for writing.

Wow! Not my usual genre, but I was enthralled throughout.

Loved it. Would like to see where it goes from here but I thought it was different and great.

Where's the sex?

A totally unbelievable story where the wife is not even a necessary element. Too much effort into being artistic and not enough effort into a coherent story.

Ouch😵.

That is a poor start.

It's the form, structure of your story SleeperyJim.

Gave you 3⭐️s..

I'm disappointed not

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*AMerryman

Kind of like a Manchurian candidate?

Needs a conclusion.

I'll keep my guesses to myself and wait for the next edition. It better be good.

A chilling tale of manufactured memories

But you forgot Thermopolis, Ten Sleep, and Meeteetse. How could you? Nonetheless, top marks.

SleeperyJim is one of the best LW authors on this site, so I always read his work. The plot does not work for me, it reeks of the typical Hollywood device, the implication that a man betrayed by country/wife will become a killing machine for the other side. Oh and a General and other officers getting involved with the wife of a SO, or a sniper, gangbang ect. Please, Generals more likely to sleep up the food chain (more powerful) not down it.

I will continue to read it and revise the ratings based on how it goes.

Wow again This story is complex, dark and extremely well written. I like @A_Bierce

look forward to the Chaconne. You have sure made me do some in depth music searches and having been a fan of Jethro Tull it was great fun for me. I wonder if the Chaconne follows J. S. Bach's solo for violin? Certainly some history there with his wife. Thanks again for writing and challenging my intellect.

There is some similarity to The Manchurian Candidate, sure, but also some significant differences. In the ManCan, he's a sleeper agent for a targeted victim; here, he's simply triggered to take out anyone who *he* feels has personally wronged him. The brainwashers neither know nor care who he attacks - he is a weapon of pure terror only, and completely unpredictable (and all the more dangerous as a result).

Awesome story!

WTF- why is everybody fawning over this pathetic story? I don't know which is worse, the willing cuck shit that's dominating this category or this crap? Like one comment said. What?

What a lot of crap. It might be a clever name but sure as hell an illogical story line . The writer must have had an attack of the stupids.

Very deep.... hope he is able to recover his life and have his revenge.

Utter rubbish. Post it in some Chinese stupid sorry site.

PATHETIC...........

#Highnmightyfemdom

That was interesting.

But I don't see imagined cheating

fitting the LW catagorie.

At least not our 'cheating with consequences' kind.

The slutty part of LW might like the idea though.

I'm keeping my ratings out of this one.

That was different.

I liked it, seemed like it needed something more. Maybe another chapter would work.

Thank you, keep writing.

AngelRider you said,

"I sort of understand what you were trying to do here but it fell flat."

You "sort of understand", is that like "sort of pregnant"? Either you do or you don't, or you are or aren't.

AngelRider you said

"I sort of understand what you were trying to do here but it fell flat."

You sort of understand is like saying sort of pregnant. Either you do or you don't, or you are or you aren't.

I like what there is of it, but it is missing an ending.

It's a well written story but all the air leaked out on the last page.

Looks like the beginning of a novel. Where's the rest?

???

Yes, there is another part coming. No, I was never in the military and had to research a lot. Yes, others beta read it for me, but the mistakes are all mine. Yes, it's my job to write as best a story as I can. No, it's not my job to teach high school level English comprehension. Yes, I hope to please readers but no, I don't think about them when I'm writing. A story appears fully formed, and pretty much has to be written that way. If it isn't, it makes my brain itch. What is there is what you get. I appreciate all the comments though - good, bad and incomprehensible.

Glad to hear you're continuing this. Hopefully the next installment is soon. I enjoyed the story.

Not an enjoyable nor interesting read, It lacked a sensible storyline. Up to the point he shot through the wall at the fleeing general it had a promise but from that point onward and the shift into ' false memory' spoiled the whole premise. I wonder if it can be saved by adding more. For it to get into suicide for the 'captain' is silly and not in keeping with the L.W category nor the situation vis-a-vis the wife and the captain Barely worth the 3 *** I gave it but it was well told, as far as it went ...but so far off track it is like the ramblings of a drunken man.

Barros is a real cuck....seems serving his country took away his little grey cells....an ideal wimp for a cuck!!

Stupid story with the war bs of acuckold

I'm kinda curious where you got the idea that one could successfully implant false memories... When I read that part, I felt like I'd been duped into reading Sci Fi. And, in that category, it would be an interesting story.

not worth reading