by tarkatony
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. I am a fan of thick, sexy women and found this story to be realistic, erotic and well written. The characters are believable and so is the situation.
Far too many of the offerings on these pages are amateurly written, grammatically appalling and unrealistic. It is nice to find an exception to that rule.
This was my first encounter with this author but it will definitely not be my last!
Nice, slow build. Could have offer more detail about each of the ladies reaching her peak, but I really like the reminder that the "beautiful people" aren't the only beautiful people.
Your execution of the premise of erotic talk and mutual seduction makes this the most outstanding piece I've read in First Time! The earlier posters are right, Betty is a real distraction and you ought to re-write this without her. Keep up the dialogue all the way to the end, even through the fuckiing. And the copyediting faults are annoying. But man, this is really great writing!
Betty was very irritating, since I personally connected to Nancy. Betty's appearance just threw me off. I was getting completely horny without her, and when she appeared something was just lost. I agree with the first post in that Betty should not exist, or should appear later so that the experience can be between two people. Just my two cents.
Otherwise, the story was good.
Lose Betty. Rewrite it without Betty, the way it should have gone. This was the most erotic story I've read in the First Time category; the characters; the slow, hot, believable buildup.. and it was like losing an erection when Betty showed up and started hogging and directing the scene. This was Nancy's story and it became too much about Betty. A big let down toward the end, but fantastic up til that point. I demand a recount, er, rewrite!! ;)
Lose Betty. Rewrite it without Betty, the way it should have gone. This was the most erotic story I've read in the First Time category; the characters; the slow, hot, believable buildup.. and it was like losing an erection when Betty showed up and started hogging and directing the scene. This was Nancy's story and it became too much about Betty. A big let down toward the end, but fantastic up til that point. I demand a recount, er, rewrite!! ;)
But you need an editor. You said ROLL playing when you meant ROLE, you said BEND when you meant BENT, etc.
I agree with the last post. As a 24 year old virgin myself ... I found a lot of things in Nancy's character that rang true. It all seemed authentic and erotic, but when Betty showed up it took something away from the fantasy. I think maybe she should have showed up a little later, in another chapter perhaps ... maybe while they were in the afterglow of the lost virginity.
But hey ... this is your story not mine! And it was a great story. I hope there's more to come.
The build between the first two characters is incredible. An outline of their personalities begins to emerge and dance and gets very heated. The low point in the story was when Betty shows up...the scene went from the perfect balance between tender and hot to an impersonal free for all. Still a satisifying read, though.
This is a truly wonderful story. I have fucked a lot of beautiful women, but I have found that those plump and plain women often make the best lovers. I think they are more willing to give to the relationship than their more beautiful sisters. My wife is somewhat plain and somewhat plump and fucks like a banshee. We have been married for twenty years.
Hooterhunter
It was much, much more than I expected. I can't wait until the next chapters begin appearing.
Traveller