Poking the Bear

I slid to one side in the passenger seat, leaning to peek past the steering wheel. I made it obvious. When Alana didn't react, I craned my neck and lifted my chin higher.

Alana shook her head, exhaling loudly. She still didn't look over at me, but she was trying to hide her grin.

"I get it, asshole," She said, her smile opening fully.

I bounced back into my seat.

"Clearly not," I said. "We almost hit a deer back there. It had plenty of time to walk out of the road."

"Chill, Jamie," Alana said with a neat little tone. "We're almost there. No need to turn into a diva in the home stretch."

I lifted my leg to tuck my foot into the seat. I crossed my arms and feigned a bit more impatience.

"Aren't you supposed to speed up when you get close to the finish line?" I asked.

"It's not a race," Alana told me. "The speed limit is like, thirty throughout the whole town anyway."

I stared out the window against the glaring afternoon sun. It was the smallest town I'd ever been in. I silently prayed that Alana didn't pull up to a trailer. I'd long given up on the directions to the place. We'd made so many turns since the exit ramp at the interstate.

I caught me by surprise when Alana turned the car down a shady street with freshly cut green lawns and cozy houses on either side. Before I could look around and take measure of the neighborhood, the car was pulling into a paved driveway to an older house that looked as though it had seen several facelifts. It was nice. The few trees surrounding it were gigantic, but shielded is from the sun. I wasn't taking off my sunglasses, though.

"See?" Alana said, shoving the shifter into park. "Finish line."

"Awesome," I said. "I don't think human beings were meant to ride in cars for four hours."

Alana chuckled, reaching into the backseat for her purse.

"Human beings do fine," she told me. "It's you that has trouble."

I offered her a tight lipped smile and said, "Nice."

I started to open the door when Alana's hand grabbed mine. I stopped and turned to meet eyes with her. I could already see the hesitation in her round facial features. I sank back into the seat.

My face soured. "Well, what is it?"

Alana sighed, shut her eyes, then opened them to fix a firm gaze on me.

"Okay, look," she began. "Dad is cool, but he can be a bit embarrassing. And I'm not just talking about how he cusses, or drinks, or talks too loud."

I raised an eyebrow. "And?"

"And I don't know how he's going to act around you or what he might say," Alana went on. "Like I said, he's cool, but I get the feeling it might get weird between you two. I have no idea what he might say. I apologize in advance, and I just have one favor to ask. Maybe don't provoke him... no, sorry, I m-mean... just maybe...."

I grinned, but rolled my eyes.

"You want me to act less fem around your dad," I stated. "Like I'm a normal guy."

Alana held up a finger. "I did not say that. I'm just saying Dad hasn't been around someone... like you."

I let my mouth fall open.

"Someone like me," I said with a gasp. "How could you?"

"Shut up," Alana said.

I chuckled. "Okay, how do I answer the dating question? You know it'll come up."

Alana shook her head.

"He knows we aren't dating," She assured me. "I made that clear on the phone. He knows you're a guy, and that you are my friend."

I leaned in close. "Did you tell him I'm one of those people?"

Alana rolled her eyes, held up a hand, and turned to climb from the car. I snickered. I met Alana at the truck and fetched my bag.

"Just try to work with me here?" Alana asked. "Dad isn't a hater, he's just embarrassing sometimes. Don't give him the chance."

I shrugged. "Got it. Don't poke the bear. I'm all over it. If it means I'm not sleeping in a tent tonight, I'm all for a vow of silence."

Alana shut the trunk and I followed her toward the house. To my surprise, we did not follow the little sidewalk past all the shrubs to the front door. Alana turned and walked around the side of the longest section of the old house. There was another little path that led to a tall vinyl fence. She opened the gate and I followed her into the backyard.

The trees surrounding the house shaded the cozy little yard except in one area. I could hear the whirring of some power tool, as well as a few taps here and there from what had to be a hammer. Illuminated in the afternoon sun was the skeleton of a new addition to the back deck. I heard a radio somewhere nearby playing loudly. Cords, tools, and brand new lumber littered the area beside the old deck.

It was there I saw Alana's father. It had to be him. The guy was lining up a long piece of lumber on a table saw of some kind, studying the tape measure in his hand closely. Alana was already walking directly toward him. Her dad saw looked up, saw her, and a big smile crossed his face.

"Hey sweetie!" He called to her, stepping away from the table saw. "You made it before dark!"

I started to shout the word "barely" but bit hard on my tongue. I wasn't sure how he'd take to sarcasm yet. I remembered what Alana had just told me moments ago.

"Are you out here by yourself?" Alana asked. "Where is Ricky? I thought you said he was helping you?"

The huge man waved his big arm. "Fuckin' degenerate anyway. Good help's hard to find nowadays."

I didn't follow Alanah across the yard to the deck. Keeping my distance from older people was I habit I adopted long ago, but that wasn't quite all. I watched the two chatting. Immediately I saw the family resemblance. I could see where Alana inherited her hefty build from. She was big in the shoulders just like her dad. Alana's father was another sight altogether.

Maybe that's what gave me pause. He was huge. The guy was well over six feet, but he was round and thick everywhere. He had a bit of excess flab and fluff here and there, but I could see from twenty feet away that he was made of much more than that. Sweat gleamed off of his skin. He wore a sleeveless shirt, and the ripped arm holes dove far down exposing his meaty sides. His arms and hands looked strong enough to tear someone to pieces. Not even my legs were as thick as those arms.

I considered moving closer if only to not seem so awkward standing back in the yard. Something about the guy made me want to skip the introduction for now. The way Alana had always talked about her father, I'd expected some old stiff with his shirt tucked in, a wrinkled face, and gray hair. This dude looked like he had just stepped off of an oil rig.

I pretended to be on my phone. Even as I swiped mindlessly back and forth through several screens, my eyes kept measuring Alana's father from below my brows. At first glance he looked overweight, but the more I studied him, I could tell under a little of the excess he was built like an ox. His hands were so big. The sleeveless shirt clung to the expanse of his chest. Sawdust littered the thick hair on his massive forearms.

I blinked at forced my eyes down to my phone. Was I seriously doing this right now? Alana would freak if she caught me even looking like I was checking out her dad. The man himself would likely wad me up and fling me over the white vinyl fence around his back yard.

"Okay, well I'm going to take Jamie inside so we can get settled," Alana told her father. "We've been driving forever."

"Bedroom's just like you left it," her dad called in a booming voice.

Alana held up a hand. "I know."

I followed her up the steps of the existing deck to the back door. I couldn't help sneaking a glance back to the bulky older man at he table saw. Alana's dad looked our way one last time, and I felt the urge to lift my hand up to wave. I didn't. The man was once again focused on the wood on the table saw.

For whatever reason, I wished that he'd seen me.

****

"Dude, are you serious? God, that's not even fucking fair."

I spun from my open bag in front of the bed to find Alana standing in the bedroom door. Her hair was still wet from the shower. I saw her eyes traveling up and down my body before shaking her head and letting out a huff of air.

I looked down at myself, then at the bed, holding out my hands.

"What?" I said. "I'll sleep on the floor if you want me to?"

Alana tossed up a hand and let it fall dramatically as she dropped her clothes into a hamper by the closet.

"No, I meant... now I know even a guy looks better in short shorts than I do," Alana mumbled.

I glanced down at the tiny black and grey shorts I'd chosen to sleep in. I could barely feel that I was wearing them. I rolled my eyes.

"You look fine," I reassured her.

Alana nodded while she ran a brush through her hair.

"Yeah, that's the problem," She said. "I just look fine."

I tossed my bag to the floor, studying Alana through sidelong glances. She joked a lot about being such a chunky girl, but I was starting to wonder if that kind of thing really got to her more than she let on. We were about the same height and she was nearly twice my size. I decided to keep the mood light.

"Well, let loose tomorrow," I told her. "That's what we're supposed to do. Let it all out. I could play third wheel for you so you can get some poor muscle bro drunk and fuck his brains out."

Alana smiled, but winced when she turned to look at me.

"I'm not banging someone out there," Alana told me. "You realize how sweaty everyone's going to be?"

"But it'll be so romantic!" I said holding my hand to my chest. "Just you and him in a dark tent in a field, surrounded by RV's, with the taste of overpriced draft beer on his lips."

"You're talking me out of this," Alana laughed. "Oh, speaking of which, Dad said he picked us up some of those beers you like. You know, the seltzers?"

I lifted my eyebrows. "Is that so?"

Alana nodded. "When I called him yesterday he asked if I wanted him to get anything from the store, and I placed that very request."

"Oh, well I am in," I said.

Alana flopped down on the bed and picked up her phone.

"Well, why don't you run downstairs and grab us a few?" She said. "They should be in the fridge. I could use a little something after that drive."

I glanced at the door and back at her. "Um, you're the host."

Alana lifted a single eyebrow. "Yeah, and I'm not a butler."

"Oh, do pardon me, madame," I said. "Shall I pour yours into a glass garnished with lime?"

Alana grinned and shook her head. "A can is fine, bitch."

I walked to the door, stopping put my legs together and bow to her before slipping out into the hallway. I heard Alana chuckling as I padded along the carpet toward the stairs.

It wasn't until I was actually descending the steps that I thought of Alana's dad. The sun had gone down. He'd likely be downstairs. I made a mental note to make the trip quick. Whether or not Alana was exaggerating about him, I still didn't want to run into him wearing a small Tshirt and short shorts. He looked like a man's man, and I could think of nothing more awkward.

The walls beside the stairs opened up to the large living room below. Everything was lit by the dull glow of a couple of lamps, and the TV was on, but I didn't see Alana's dad. I silently hoped that he was not in the kitchen. At the landing I turned and breathed a sigh of relief to find the kitchen vacant. A florescent light above the sink illuminated much of the room, and I could see no one was around.

I stepped lightly on the balls of my feet across the tile toward the refrigerator. I'd never been to Alana's old house before. Her apartment in the city felt like home, but I felt so out of place downstairs in her father's house. It did make me feel ten years younger, like I was back in school spending the night at a friend's house.

Pulling open the fridge, I stared at the contents packed inside. I sighed when I didn't immediately spot the seltzers. It didn't feel right rummaging through someone else's food. I had half a mind to retreat back upstairs and force Alana to search for the drinks. Instead, I shifted a few things to the side hoping to find the fruity beers somewhere on one of the shelves. After a moment, it became evident I'd have to dig through the fridge to find them, if they were even in there.

I pulled open a few drawers, revealing sandwich meat from a deli and blocks of cheese. Another drawer housed a chunk of watermelon and another fruit or vegetable I couldn't identify. Cantaloupe maybe? I stooped low, bending at the waist to pull open the drawers at the bottom. I saw a pile of beer bottles that clattered loudly when I tugged the heavy drawer open. I was getting warmer. I spotted the cans of beer in the translucent drawer beside them. That had to be the seltzers.

The final drawer yielded my prize. The skinny colorful cans of seltzer filled the plastic compartment. Alana's father must have gotten us a whole case. He was clearly a beer drinker himself. I smirked as I bent far over to grab a couple of the seltzers, knowing Alana would be out after two. I wondered if I should grab a handful of them. I knew one wasn't going to do it for me.

I was jolted by a sudden slap on my ass.

I jerked upright, nearly fumbling the two cans in my arms. A stinging sensation warmed my right ass cheek. My eyes instantly searched for my assailant, expecting Alana to be standing there giggling in the kitchen.

Her dad stood there instead.

The two of us locked eyes. I hugged the seltzers in my arms close to my chest, standing as stiff as a board. I stared at the man wide eyed. His expression nearly mirrored my own. I saw his mouth fall open behind the salt and pepper colored goatee that ringed his lips. He looked just as surprised as I was. The huge man wore a sleeveless shirt similar to the one I'd seen him in earlier, though I noticed he'd traded the dirty blue jeans for a simple pair of navy blue shorts.

I was speechless. Had he really just... done that?

"Oh, wow," the older man said. "Shit, man, I'm sorry."

I just stared at him, unable to respond.

A grin formed on the big man's round face, tugging his goatee to one side. He lifted both of his hands.

"Uh... damn, I thought you were totally someone else," He told me in a booming voice.

I blinked at him, shrinking toward the refrigerator. I though it through. It sounded absurd.

"Um, who... did you think I was?" I asked.

Alana's father eased his huge body toward the counter by the sink, placing one meaty hand on the marble and rubbing the other across the crew cut that crowned his head.

"Uh, Katy" he told me. "You know Katy?"

I still didn't move. The cool air of the open refrigerator door hit the tingling skin on my ass cheek.

"Alana's friend Katy?" I suggested.

"Yeah, one with the short hair?" The man said. "Chick that's always wearing the Daisy Dukes?"

He was talking about Katy Mahon. She'd went to college with Alana and I. After turning it over in my head in a flash, it made just a bit of sense. I did remember Katy talking about Alana's house frequently.

It was still weird.

"You... thought you were... that I was Katy?" I stammered.

"Yeah, I like to kid around with her a lot," Alana's father told me. "She's a little trouble maker. 'Girl always busts my balls everytime she's here."

I stared at the older man, unsure of what I'd even say to that. I couldn't get over the fact his huge hand had smacked me on the ass. It was even stranger to claim he thought he was doing that to Katy. I knew she was the flirty type, and I wouldn't put it past her to invite such a thing. But for the guy to just think it was fine to slap someone's ass like that? It was hard enough that I still felt the sting.

I rarely found myself this dumbfounded. I could see the color flushing into the big guy's face. He was embarrassed, maybe more so than I was. He wore a smile though, and I realized quickly that he wasn't quite the guy I thought him to be.

"I'm Wayne, by the way," he said, waving a hand. "Didn't mean to greet ya' that way. I really am sorry 'bout that, it was stupid of me."

I blinked and shook my head, glancing down at the seltzers in my arms.

"Uh, no, it's uh... it's fine," I told him. "No big deal."

Wayne's smile grew. "I see you found the booze, eh?"

"Um, yeah," I said. "It's... fine if I grab a few, isn't it? I didn't mean to just make myself at home--"

Wayne waved his meaty hand at me again. "Nah, shit, grab six of 'em, man. I knew you guys would be exhausted after the ride. I'm about to settle in and down a few myself. Help yourself."

It was as if Wayne had no control over the volume of his voice. His words were deep and hearty, as if they bellowed up from his big belly itself. The voice matched the man. I felt smaller than I had in a long time. His head was big, his chest was big, his arms and hands and fingers were big... everything about him was big. I could clearly see that he'd gained pounds with his age. His bulky shoulders and his broad chest told me that a lot more was stacked beneath his meaty frame than met the eye.

I could still feel that huge paw warming the cheek of my ass.

"Now you're... shit, Jim?" Wayne asked, pointing a thick finger toward me.

"Jamie," I answered. "I went to college with Alana, too. We work together, now."

"Yeah, hell, she's told me," Wayne said nodding. "I can't remember shit anymore."

Alana told me her dad cussed. I had no idea. I tried to place his accent. Michigan maybe? His personality was not at all what I pictured. It actually made me feel a bit more at ease. I spotted a few faded tattoos that wound around his fleshy arms. Wayne was not the fossilized old timer I had always pictured. He seemed rough around the edges, and spoke like a person with a younger soul.

"Hey look, anytime you guys wanna crash here, say the word," Wayne told me. "Hell, I'm usually gone working most days anyway. Been just me and Alana for years, and now that she's moved out it gets fuckin' boring around here. Don't mind me, just make yourself at home, I won't bother you guys."

I nodded distantly. This time, I bent at the knees to snatch a few more of the seltzers from the drawer. Tucking them into my arms, I rose and shut the refrigerator door.

"That's uh, really cool, Mr. Madison, thanks," I said politely. "And... um, thanks for picking up the seltzers."

"Just Wayne," he told me turning toward the door that led toward the living room. "And don't mention it. If you finish those, don't be bashful. They ain't fruity, but you're welcome to any other beer in there, man."

I nodded, and offered him an awkward smile before he lumbered through the door and out of the kitchen.

For a moment I just stood there. I held my eyebrows high and blinked my eyes a single time firmly. I couldn't believe what had just happened. With a little shake of my head, I headed for the threshold and quickly began climbing the stairs back to the second floor. I shot a glance down into the living room to see that Wayne was switching off the lamps. I noticed he didn't turn off the TV, but rather fell into the giant recliner facing the screen.

I focused on climbing the stairs. I tried not to think about what happened, but even as my legs lifted me up the flight of steps, I thought I could feel a fat handprint on my ass. The man had caught skin. Bent over like I was, my shorts had to have been riding up my ass.

I thought about what Wayne had said. He thought I was Katy? How did that make it any better? I knew Katy was a flirt, but did he really just go smacking his daughter's friends on the ass like that? It felt a bit creepy. I wondered what Katy might have done. I thought of any way to broach that subject if I saw her again. Did Alana know about stuff like that? There was no way. Or was that included in her little speech to me and I just wasn't picking up on the riddles?

Before the walls blocked my view as I went up the stairs, I stole another look at Alana's father as he sprawled back in the recliner. His thick legs stretched out and apart on the recliner. The bulge of his big stomach swelled forward.