Poppy

It was surprising to see Poppy coming by the door, he was visibly as surprised as I was. Yet again he was wearing that oversized t-shirt and his hair was loosely up. His tired morning face made his early thirties more obvious than usual, but I was suspecting him to usually wear makeup.

"Oh good morning Isaac, I wasn't expecting you up so soon," he said while taking the direction of the cabinet.

"I'm always up early," I said.

He dumped some berries granola in a bowl of yoghurt then sat at the bar.

"We didn't bother you last night?" Poppy asked.

"No idea what you're talking about," I said while making myself oatmeal.

"You're such a bad liar," Poppy giggled, "I'm sorry if we made too much noise."

"I had my headphones on it's no big deal," I knew this lie he wouldn't catch. Why on earth would a straight guy eavesdrops two guys getting it on? Was a question I've been asking myself while falling asleep and every second now since I've woken up.

"Y'know I was very nervous about doing it here since it's your family's house, I don't know I felt like it was kind of wrong, but Will was being very flirty and I just went along, do you think I shouldn't have?" Poppy asked. "I feel like maybe it was inappropriate."

"I can assure you a lot of my cousins have been conceived in this very house," I took a sip of coffee, trying to judge if Poppy engaging in this was an invitation to have more adult conversation with him. Weren't we some kind of friends after all? It shouldn't be weird, friends talk about sex all the time, I decided to go along with it. "I popped my cherry in grandma's bed."

"Oh my God you little devil, did you really?" He reacted in amused shock.

"Mhm, wasn't my smartest decision," I said pitying the fool I was back then, "I wanted to take advantage of the vacation to finally sleep with my high school girlfriend, the performance lasted as long as our relationship, it went so bad she broke up with me in the following week."

Poppy let out a mocking smirk. I almost felt the need to retort I gained experience on that field and was praised by my girlfriends for my skills. Which would sound dumb and suspicious. "First time are always awkward anyway," I instead said.

"My first time was delightful I'll let you know, I got ravished at nineteen by an handsome older man with more experience who had been courting me for long at the time, he got us a suite and did everything to make me feel comfortable, treating me like a princess, when we got at it I just had to lie down and let him fuck me without having to do anything myself, it was wonderful," he said mischievously.

"Oh, I would have thought you'd lost your virginity sooner," I said surprised.

"Well, being gay in high school is a bit strange you know, everyone is boiling in hormone for sure so it's not that hard for straight teens to get laid but there's an added complexity when you're the only out gay guy in an entire school, you get me?" Poppy said in a more serious tone, "it's probably easier today with all the progress that's been made, I know my little cousin is fifteen and has friends of all flavor under the rainbow at her school, I just know I personally didn't have an easy time a decade ago."

"Sorry about that."

"Life goes on," he shrugged, "You have a girlfriend nowadays?"

"We just broke up." Emily and I were parting in different ways so I didn't see the point in trying to salvage the relationship.

"Ouch, you did or she did?"

"I did, last month, it wasn't going well." I was almost finished with my oatmeal, I looked at the clock. Grandma was probably going to get down the stairs soon enough.

"I'm sorry babyboy, I'm sure you'll find yourself some sweet girl who'll get you heels over head for her," Poppy said with a little smile, "you're still young, there's no rush."

"I'm taking my time, but if I don't find a wife by twenty-five, I'll have no other choice but to steal you away and wife you up Poppy," I teased him.

Poppy giggled, "Aaah I'd make a terrible wife, just ask Will, he always says I'm high maintenance, get you a sweet girl your age instead."

I kept on smiling lightly. I didn't know how to say to Poppy by my joke I meant I really wanted a girl like him, a girl who would treat me like he treated Will. A girl who would treat me like he treated me. A girl as witty as him, a girl who would call me babyboy sometimes, a girl who would do weird cute things like make bread in the middle of the night. A girl as pretty as him.

***

I grew an uncomfortable resentment towards Will. Uncomfortable because I loved him and didn't want to resent him, yet I couldn't do anything about that sourness I felt when I saw him and Poppy cuddling on the living room couch. Me and some other cousins were playing Monopoly in the dining room, I kept doing commuting to the toilets and the kitchen to bother them on purpose in their lovebirds business. They didn't seem to mind that much and way sooner my cousins told me to either sit down or leave the game. I went to my room.

In the afternoon the sky cleared up. Poppy asked me if I wanted to pick berries with him in the woods nearby. I asked him what was Will doing and he answered me he was taking a nap.

I felt a little weird next to Poppy, going out just the two of us. He was wearing shorts which looked so small on those long legs, with a simple short-sleeved shirt tucked into it. I felt like it was what he thought an ideal wood roaming outfit looked like because it was to be fair, more simple and less patterned than his usual, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was going to scrap his knees if they were so uncovered.

"We're hanging out a lot," I said quietly.

"Oh, do you think it's weird?" he asked with a hint of anxiety in the voice.

"Not really, I just noticed."

"Well, I live with Will so we already see each other a lot, and you're the only one I'm comfortable with here," he said, "just trying to make the most of my week."

"That's fair." I let a little pause, feeling nervous and flushed. "I also prefer hanging out with you."

"Aww, that's sweet."

We were still walking in the wood, finding almost no berries. The little blackberries we managed to find, Poppy almost fell down in the bush to get them I had to grab him back before so. The berries were way too tart but we still ate them so our struggle wouldn't be for nothing.

"How did you know you were gay?" I asked Poppy.

"How did you know you were straight?" Poppy answered immediately with a smirk. He let me a bit dumbfounded, it's not like I really ever questioned it. "I'm kidding, I know it's not the same, my answer is gonna be super disappointing, it's just, boys cute, y'know."

"I see."

"I mean, I guess," Poppy said a bit more thoughtfully, "it might come off as a shock I know, but I'm not exactly a beacon of masculinity and I've never really been one earlier in life either, so I had this for myself that kind of helped into figuring shit out, people already kind of assumed and no one was shocked when I came out." He played with his wedding band. "Didn't stop my parents from freaking out though," he chuckled painfully, "life's a bit weird sometimes, uh?"

"Yeah it sure is." I wasn't sure why I asked him about this. Probably because I wanted to open my possibilities regarding my new found confused feelings, but his response wasn't really helping. I was fairly masculine.

"I don't think we're gonna find anymore berries," he sighed, "Well, it was a nice walk."

"Hey Poppy."

"Yes babyboy?"

"I know it's not comfortable around here for you with everyone's attitude, but I'm glad you came," I told him, "I wish we could see each other more often."

"You should come visit sometime, Will would be more than happy to have you home," Poppy said with a gorgeous grin.

Poppy got grabbed by my Aunt Betty when we came back from the walk. She assigned him to carrots cutting for dinner, I sneaked away before she could notice me.

I walked upstairs to get to Aunt Suzie's room. Will was here, working on his laptop.

"Isaac," he said surprised, "do you need anything?"

"Poppy said I could crash by your place some time soon, are you okay with that?" I asked nervously.

"If Poppy invited you I don't see any problem, you can come by whenever you want," Will told me with a smile.

"Thanks Will." I closed the door behind me and sat on the bed. "How did you know you were gay?"

"How come you're curious about that suddenly?" He chuckled, "ah forget about it, it's none of my business." He spinned the office chair to face me and laid back more comfortably. "I forgot you were a gremlin when I came out, well it wasn't so easy to be fair, for long I felt like I didn't have an interest for either boys or girls, so high school was a bit weird, uh, I felt inadequate I guess."

"You didn't care for boys either?" I asked surprised.

"I was scared shitless of other boys so no, but I uh, 'admired' and 'looked up to' a lot of my male teachers," he said while doing quotation marks with his fingers, "I was a super late bloomer though so I never really had sexual thought about them, I just couldn't identify what were very clearly crushes on them, a lot of, oh I wish I'll age as gracefully as he does, uh, lot of denial really."

"So you figured it out later?" I asked.

"In college, I fell in love with another guy and like, at first I just thought I was seeing him as kind of a role model because he was a charming PhD student, then it became a bit weird, I'd get super jealous when he spent time with his girlfriend and I thought about him every single day," Will said with a rather serious face, "I'd be super creepy honestly, it's only when I came to term it was, gay yearning, I realized I needed to step back."

"So how did you know it was that?"

"Usually straight men don't have recurring sexual thoughts about the guys they admire, but to be fair what really hit me was when he jokingly called me 'my love' once and it got me flushed."

I thought about how much I enjoyed being called babyboy by Poppy.

"I eventually confessed to him and he was really a dear when he rejected me, didn't stop me from being super heartbroken for a month but at least I could move on, knowing I was gay."

"So that's it? You never considered you could be gay before him?" I asked nervously.

"It didn't really cross my mind, we're not super encouraged into questioning ourselves as teenagers after all," he chuckled.

"I, well thanks for telling me, I'm gonna help Betty now I think," I said.

"Hey Isaac," he said hesitantly, "you know if there's anything you want to, talk about with me, if there's stuff on your mind that's getting heavy to carry alone, well I'm here, alright? You can tell me anything you know that, if not this week you can still call me whenever you need."

"I'll think about it, thanks Will."

***

So, I had a huge crush on Poppy. It couldn't really be anything else, uh? Both in high school and college I was popular enough, known to be able to score the girls my friends were drooling over. I would pass any of them for the attention of a thirty-two years old queen.

I questioned myself, did that make me gay? But if Poppy was a girl, I'd love him just as much. I felt like I spent those last couple days trying desperately to find a woman in Poppy, focusing on his feminine manners. Probably already unconsciously trying to justify a yearning a man wasn't allowed to have and my mind couldn't accept yet. Since acknowledging this longing, I found myself able to appreciate the -a little gauche, a little broken maybe- masculinity of Poppy. Poppy wasn't a woman but he wasn't quite a man either. He was simply Poppy and for this, he was perfect.

I didn't fool myself though, the feelings in themselves were definitely very gay.

Has it been any other man, I would have taken Will's offer. I wanted to know how he survived our family the past years since he came out, how it was before he met Poppy, how did he cope with that frightening realization that felt like you suddenly were on the verge of a cliff? But it had to be Poppy, how could I come to the only man in my family who ever shown me kindness, who truly treated me like a brother, and tell him I wanted his man? I was alone with my cliff.

I almost avoided Poppy the remaining days of the family reunion. I told him I would prefer having some alone time than go downtown with him and Will, knowing deep down I wanted to go. It broke my heart seeing this little disappointed pout but it was for the better, Poppy wasn't mine to have.

Everyone was frantic the last day, preparing for the big dinner party that would conclude the week, then everyone would go back to where they come from the day after. Even I couldn't avoid the chores, but I've grown to know how things worked around here so I told a cousin I was going to grab rosemary in the garden and sneaked away, knowing I'd be now left alone for at least two hours.

I sat against the back of the garden shed, putting on my headphones. I felt a presence getting closer to the shed, shit, already?

"Did I do something wrong?" Poppy asked anxiously, coming out of nowhere.

"Wh-what?" I asked while pulling off my headphones.

"You keep avoiding me since our walk, I just wanted to know if I did or said something wrong?" A note of desperation in his voice made it crack.

"No, not at all," I said in panic, "just needed alone time."

"Alright, I'm sorry, that was dumb." He looked a little lost. "Can I sit with you?"

I gestured him the space next to me. He sat down, still looking gloom.

"Will is having an argument with your mother and Dave because I was talking about the dress I wanted to wear tonight and they considered it was, too far, y'know? So I left."

"I think you'd look lovely in a dress," I told him. I wasn't surprised Poppy would play with this level of gender confusion, but the idea intrigued me.

"You're too sweet, it's not happening though, I really wouldn't handle their glare," he sighed.

We let a silence set, the garden was just as warm as it was at the beginning of the week. I was aware how close Poppy was to me at this moment.

"Poppy, I love you."

Poppy gave me a tender smile. "Oh you're cute, I love you too babyboy."

My head was buzzing, I could hear my blood beating against my skull.

"Poppy, I wish you were my boyfriend."

Poppy didn't answer right away, he looked at me in confusion before his face crumbled down. "Oh Isaac, no..."

"I'm sorry, that's just how I've been feeling about you."

"Sweetie, I'm very flattered but that's," he said nervously, "not something I can answer, for all the reasons you know."

"I've never felt like that for anyone," my voice was getting shaky, I couldn't control the way my throat suddenly tightened, "I don't know what to do with that."

"I'm glad you're exploring things, I wish I could help you with that but, I don't share the same feelings," Poppy said while playing with the lace of his shoe, "I'm madly in love with Will, he's really been the only man in my life who knows how to handle my bullshit."

"I've never done anything with a man or even been interested in doing so before, it's so scary," I kept on.

Poppy looked thoughtful. "Do you want to try?" He asked in a quiet voice while looking straight to the ground.

"Uh?"

"Will doesn't care about sexual exclusivity so I'm just, putting an offer on the table, if you wanted to see if, ahem, you'd like having sex with a man?" He looked at me for a split second. Oh Jesus. I didn't even consider sex with Poppy, I just fantasized about the same playful innocent intimacy he shared with Will. "Like, I just want to help you explore it in a safe way, if you'd rather have me guide you into it than a stranger? I don't know, I don't want you to be all lost and confused and end up in difficult situations, I feel like you came to me because you don't have anyone else to talk about those feelings."

I knew taking his offer would make things worse, it wasn't an answer to my feelings. But God would I be an idiot to not take it.

"Yes," I said, "I want to do it."

Poppy had a gentle smile then grabbed me by the collar to pull me into a kiss. His lips felt silky soft, I let him do as I was too paralyzed by fear of doing something wrong.

"Not here, not now," he said softly while caressing my cheek, "anyone could walk on us, I'll give it to you tonight, just meet me here around 3AM okay?"

I nodded, Poppy gave me one last peck on the mouth before leaving.

***

Poppy and I exchanged looks during the whole dinner party. Little shy smiles there and there. I had to prepare myself for what was about to happen, I was so nervous.

The lights in the shed were already lit when I came around, it was far enough from the house to not be seen but I couldn't help but fear someone would notice it somehow.

He was waiting for me, sitting on the woodworking table. Grandpa transformed the shed in his workshop and sanctuary a while ago. It was comfortable enough, dry and warm enough.

"I'm sorry, it's not the ideal for a first time," he said bashfully.

"It's fine, I don't mind."

He jumped out the table to face me, I took a look at him, wasn't he beautiful. This time I was the one pulling him into a kiss, he seemed a bit surprised in his sudden stiffness but then relaxed and tied his arms around my neck.

"I've never done anything with a younger guy before," he whispered in an embarrassed amusement, "I'd never fool around with a student and they're the only young folks I hang around."

"Well you'd expect an ethic professor to have, ethics," I teased him.

"That's my rationale," he chuckled. He gave me another kiss that he let slide along my face to end up on my neck. "It's probably not very ethical doing it with you though," he whispered, "regarding our connection, what do you think?"

"We're more friends than anything else," I said, my voice a little shaky as his lips sucked onto my neck, "you said Will wouldn't care, didn't you? Should be fine."

"Maybe he would care if it's you," he said quietly.

"I, it's not cheating though, right?"

"No, no it's not, I just think he'd find it weird." Poppy's hand went on on my chest, he caressed me through my shirt. I put my hands on his hips. "You're cute Isaac, I hope you'll have a nice time with me."

"I'm already having a nice time," I said shyly.

"Tell me if things go too fast for you, okay baby?" It felt weird being treated this way, like a virgin, like a virgin girl. Was he planning on fucking me? I wouldn't be able to do that, not so soon.

"Things are going fine for me," I sighed.

Poppy got his lips against my ear and his hand on my crotch. "Do you like that?" He asked in a smooth voice will palming my bulge. Body and soul, that was a hard yes.

"God Poppy," I moaned more taken by a sudden fluster than actual physical pleasure. Poppy was against me, touching my hard cock, how did that even happen. "You can take it out."

"You're so eager," he chuckled. Poppy pulled on my belt and zipped down my pants, he slid a hand inside. It sent a shiver down my spine as his hands were a bit cold. "I'm sure you noticed me checking your crotch at the river," he whispered seductively, "I tried not to you know, but well, now I can tell you how much your big fat cock turned me on."

I pulled my pants to my thighs to reveal my cock, Poppy let out a smirk. "What a pretty sight, you mind if I?" He didn't finish his question, the drop to his knees giving me enough information on his intentions.

His hands slowly caressed me, he was inspecting every inch of my cock. "Gorgeous," he said softly, "your balls look very sexy too, so heavy," he added while cupping them. I wasn't expecting Poppy to compliment my cock and I had to admit, it made me blush. "Would you let me suck your beautiful cock Isaac?" Poppy asked in a slightly whiny tone.