Pornography Addiction (mf)

1

When I was twenty years old, I came to the realization that I was addicted to pornography and jerking off. It got in the way of meeting girls, school, my job, and my confidence. I must have masturbated three or four times a day and I felt terrible.

Terrible might be too strong of a feeling, it was more so a quiet sense I had that something was off, something was out of alignment. Like I was a car and one of my tires was fucked up.

I quit porn cold turkey. It was incredibly difficult. I've lived an easy life, quitting pornography might be the most difficult thing I've ever done. I was a high libido 20-year-old. My libido was crazy, my testosterone off the charts.

I once told my buddy Sebastian that I quit porn, or that I was at least attempting to quit porn, and he gave me a good ribbing:

"Why the fuck would you quit porn Big-Ben! Have you seen the models these days! It's crazy, there are some real artists out there making this stuff. And the stuff on Reddit, my God! Your right-handed ancestors would be pissed if they saw you, from up in heaven, giving up your God given right to jack yourself off!"

I slipped up a couple of times. The pull to pornography was too strong.

I read a couple of books on the matter, Your Brain On Porn, Recovery by Russel Brand, Realm of Hungry Ghosts, etc.

I was too horny, and lonesome, and had too much time on my hands.

But eventually I figured a couple of things out and things got easier. The real breakthrough I had was figuring out that if I have other stuff to do on my phone, I can go there instead of Pornhub or Reddit.

Books on my phone have been key, especially in bed on those long nights where it seems impossible to sleep.

2

After about 20 days off Porn, I met a girl named Kylie at the coffee shop by my house. The cafe was busy, and we shared a table. We chewed the fat for a while and Kylie gave me her phone number before she left.

Kylie is a short brunette with freckles. She always dresses in athletic clothing, yoga pants, sports bras, crop tops, Adidas running shoes, her long brown hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. She reminds me of soccer girls from high school.

Kylie invited me over a couple of nights later. Her roommates were home, so we laid on her bed and watched a movie. I forget what movie it was. We didn't watch much of it before we began to kiss. Kylie quickly rolled herself on top of me.

Kylie's leggings and panties fell to the floor as we kissed and entangled our bodies with one another.

Sex off of Porn is incredible. I felt so in tune with Kylie and could feel everything. I lasted longer than I have ever lasted before. I felt like a piston as I pumped away with Kylie, as she tried not to moan so loudly. Remember, her roommates were home.

The sound of her roommates on the other side of the door, walking around the apartment, set us off. It felt so naughty and hot.

It became too much, for the both of us, and we quivered and mixed ourselves, failing to keep quiet.

I rolled off of Kylie and she gave me a hi-five

I felt so in tune and connected to her.

3

Kylie and I have amazing sex together five or six times. We started going on short "dates" beforehand as a pretense for our amazing bedroom chemistry. Get ice cream for fifteen minutes and then quickly dash home to fuck.

Things were going well when I fell back in the hole of pornography addiction. I resumed my habits of overtaxing my system, jerking it three to five times a day.

Kyle and I began to have worse and worse sex. I just wasn't in it, wasn't responsive.

I remember one night, back at my apartment, Kylie and I got drunk off a bottle of Yellowtail wine and went to the bedroom.

I had trouble staying hard that night with Kylie, I just couldn't keep it up. Kylie was loving and cool about it and we just spent the night kissing and cuddling.

At the time I thought it was the wine, but now I suspect that it was probably a form of porn induced ED, a phenomenon I had read about in Your Brain on Porn.

I couldn't get out of the vortex of pornography addiction and my relationship with Kylie burned out in the cool waters of apathy.

We just drifted apart from one another. No one had to say anything, we just went our separate ways.

I was off, my vibe was off, my feel was off.

4

I spent a good deal of time alone, and really put my shoulder to the grindstones of school and work.

I knew I was addicted to pornography, but I still couldn't quit it.

I reread books on the subject looking for inspiration, some path to get out of this funk, this rut.

I even started fasting, going without food for 24 hours, looking for answers.

My friend Sebastian asked me about Kylie:

"Where's that Kylie girl that you have been seeing, Ben? She was cute as fuck. You seemed so happy with her. Like you guys were always on the same wavelength."

"I don't know," I responded, "nothing happened, we just drifted. I feel like I'm off, and I can't get back on. And I think Kylie picked up on it."

"Don't get all depressed on me Ben. Just give it some time."

5

The hard part about life is that when your game is off, there is not much you can do but wait it out.

Something clicked again and I was able to remove myself from the vortex porn.

I put all of my free time into reading. I read through long books like Les Mis and Don Quixote, using them as sponges to soak up all the free time I had in my life. I didn't trust myself with unfocused free time. Not with a computer on my desk and a smartphone in my pocket.

I somehow evaded pornography and the grim reaper of my libido for two full weeks, and I began to feel somewhat better. My Off-ness felt lessened. I felt lighter.

An outside perspective would ask the question if Porn really had such a large impact and importance that I had given it. It seems like it could all be placebo in my mind. I felt addicted to pornography, something that I viewed as being negative, thus I responded in a negative fashion.

The truth of the matter is that I would be lying if I said that I knew with certainty that all my troubles were tied to porn addiction. I'm open to the fact that it might have all been placebo. Still, the path was still the same. I was off and wanted to get back on.

Also, I'm receptive to the fact that in theory there are people out there who refrain from escalating their porn habits to an unhealthy place. I'm just not one of them. I think most men are not of this category of people. Especially young men. I don't think the young man's libido can handle the infinite dark vortex of Reddit and Pornhub.

6

I met another girl named Charlotte at a different cafe. I have a knack for meeting people when I am out getting coffee.

Charlotte was the barista who took my order. Charlotte is also about 5' 5'', 5' 6'', -ish, with short, shoulder length, dyed ash blond hair. She was wearing a basic white cotton tee shirt, khaki chinos, and black Van's. Charlotte and I chewed the fat for a little while, I asked her about life at the cafe, and she gave me her phone number.

Later that same evening Charlotte texted me wondering if I was free and down to go get some dessert.

Charlotte met at this cool dessert shop. Charlotte ordered an eclair, and I ordered a cannoli.

Together, we walked to a park nearby and sat on a wooden bench and ate our dessert. I remember that it was a cold evening, and we sat very close to one another.

Charlotte and I continued to chew the fat for a while and the next instant our lips were touching, and Charlotte's hand was on the inside of my thigh. I was startled by Charlotte's boldness, but in a good way. Her boldness made me like her even more.

I caressed Charlotte's neck as we tasted each other. Our warmth mingled in the cool night air.

"You should come over?" Charlotte asked, our lips still pressing into one another.

I moaned in response, and we speed walked to her car.

7

Charlotte's bed was very pink, and her body was very pale on top of it. There was something about the contrast between her milky body and pinkness of the sheets that set my libido on fire. I desired Charlotte in a passionate, almost violent, way. Charlotte seemed receptive to this, and even seemed to encourage it, edging me on, as our bodies and desires mixed as one, falling into the same escalating violent rhythm.

Afterwards, Charlotte and I laid in bed together. Nothing had to be said, it had all been acted out.

Charlotte snuggled into the nook of my right shoulder, her blond hair spread on the mattress and my face. I didn't mind it. Charlotte smelled of deeply of perfume and sex. I closed my eyes and let the incense wash through me.

Like this, we fell asleep.

8

Charlotte and I began to go out on dates once or twice a week. The dates were always something simple, a basic pretext to get together and be with one another. We fell into a pattern of alternating between the two of us planning the dates. On dates Charlotte planned, we would conclude the date back at her apartment. On dates I planned, we concluded the evening back at my place.

The sex between us was always passionate and violent. The pairing of our bodies was not romantic, it was animalistic. I felt outside myself and outside my emotions with Charlotte, while my crude animalistic instincts took over. In that way, our sex also resembled a state of flow. No thought, just action. Action, action, action. And Charlotte was only encouraging, edging me to go deeper and more fully into the forceful experience.

One day, out of nowhere, Kylie texted me and asked if I was down to meet up and get coffee.

We met one another at the same cafe where we first met. Kylie looked good. Her hair was a bit lighter and longer, and her skin had a light tan. She looked good.

When Kylie and I ordered coffee and sat down in a quiet booth in the corner.

We chewed the fat.

"You seem really healthy Ben," said Kylie.

Thanks," I responded, "for whatever reason life is going good for me right now."

"I can see that. Something just came over me one day and I felt like I wanted to see you again."

"Thanks, I've missed you too."

It's weird," Kylie said, "we didn't really break up, it seems we just drifted away from one another."

"Yeah," I said, "perhaps we just needed some time apart."

"I should tell you now Ben," I've started to see someone and it's somewhat serious."

"I'm dating someone right now as well," I responded.

"It's strange," Kylie said, "I think we worked really well together. Something was just off. Maybe it was a timing thing."

"I agree," I said, "something was off."

"Well," Kylie said, "I like to see you, Ben. I'm not going to give you that bullshit line that we should still stay friends, I don't think we could do that. But if you and I ever find ourselves single again at the same time, we should pick up from where we left off."

"Sounds good to me Kylie." I said, "I really like you. I just want you to know that you are a really cool person."

"Thanks, you too Ben."

On that note, Kylie and I finished our coffees and went our separate ways into our own separate lives.

------

That night I went over to blonde Charlotte's apartment. We attempted to watch a movie, but that quickly devolved into heavy petting and kisses.

I pinned Charlotte down to her pink mattress and spread her pale body across it. Charlotte was in an even more intense heat this night. Her breath felt heavy and hot against me, and her body open and sensitive.

Charlotte quivered and shook violently as I spread her. I felt stoic as we made love, I felt myself as the instrument to Charlotte's pleasure, I just wanted to serve her and do my duty. Charlotte's legs quivered, and her stomach rose and fell with force of breath. My libido was through the roof. Perfume and sex permeated the room. Charlotte's soft dainty moans kept me going as we went deep into the night.