Post Traumatic Sex Disorder

"What were you doing in my room?" She asked in a dangerously soft tone.

"I was...ah, I mean, I wanted...I was just looking at the pictures. Of us. Reminders of good old times, I guess.."

I was freaking out on the inside. I just knew she had found me out. She held me there with her stare a little while longer, almost like she was looking for something, and then it was over.

"Okay." Was all she said before going to her room and shutting the door.

I was still reeling from my discovery. What did it all mean? Lydia had written 'my handsome big brother'. Was this just strong adoration for her older brother...or something more? I was starting to feel dizzy. I sort of hoped that she would go to school early today, because I honestly did not know how I was going to deal with this. And why in the hell did it not freak me out or disgust me like it very well should have? I was so damn confused.

I looked down and I was still in my underwear. Time to get ready for the day. But my mind was foggy. Maybe 200 pushups and a cold shower would do the trick.

****

The day progressed on as usual. I did my two-hour workout, my stretches, ate about 8 hot dogs for breakfast. I'm quite good at mind over matter issues so it was virtually no trouble at all to put the mornings entire incident out of my mind...for the first couple hours, anyway.

Once I did start pondering the matter again, I tried thinking back to all the time we spent together over the years to see if I could pinpoint any significant changes in our relationship. Nothing major was forthcoming.

Just about every year of our lives we have camped together in the same tent, swam together, gone on dates together, laughed together, cried together. We even still take showers together (in bathing suits), if there's a need. Maybe that makes us unusually close for a brother and sister, but we like all the same things for the most part.

Lydia went with me to my first concert. I got her drunk for the first time. Lydia picked out my girlfriend in my senior year of high school. I was her support through her first heart break. On and on the list goes.

I was Lydia's older brother and only sibling. I was very protective of her for that very reason. Or was it more? That I loved my sister with all my heart, I was certain. But love can take many forms and there is an infinite amount of gray area that can blur the lines between common definitions.

My brain was starting to hurt again so I decided to get out and be productive. I called up my friend Caleb and asked if he wanted to go check out the university campus up on Fowler Ave.

"Hell yeah dude. Let's get our learnin' caps on." Caleb said with mock enthusiasm.

"Get serious, Private. I for one will not waste uncle Sam's peanuts. I fucking earned them."

"Yeah, Corp. You sure earned his nuts."

"Shut the fuck up dickweed."

I sounded harsh but I was really on the verge of laughing.

"Whatever. I'll go to the Uni with you. But remember to bring your kit bag and rifle. I wanna hit the range after."

Caleb, like me, was one of the few members of my unit to qualify as an expert marksman. So, we went to the gun range frequently to keep our eyes sharp and hands steady.

"Roger that. Don't forget to bring your pink Glock, sweetheart. Out"

I blew him a condescending kiss into the phone and hung up.

Before putting my phone back in my pocket, I hesitated. I knew that the little invasion of privacy this morning was embarrassing, but I still wanted to make the day special for my little sis. After all, she'd only turn 18 once.

Lydia always had her phone on at school. She had mastered the art of inconspicuous texting. I typed up a message and sent it, then waited for her reply.

Me: hey, wanna go do something after school, just you and me?

Her: sure! what r we doin?

Me: hmmm how about..the trampoline city?

Trampoline City was of course an indoor trampoline gym. This was one of Lydia's favorite things to do. It kept her body lithe and athletic.

Her: are you kidding? definitely! Maybe I'll even where something special just for you 😉

Me: now wouldn't that be a treat lol. I'll pick u up after school.

Her: k. it's a date. love you!

Me: love you more

Her: love you most

I returned my phone to my pocket with a big, goofy grin on my face. That girl made me so dang happy. My mind began to roam as I wondered what 'special' thing she might wear.

In my mind's eye I imagined her bouncing up and down on a trampoline wearing a tight tank top and loose mini skirt. Her supple B cups bounding ever so lightly with each movement, her skirt lifting on an upward jump and flashing me with her sexy red lace panties. My erection slowly gained strength with that mental image.

When I realized what I was doing, I stopped to force myself to cut that out. I was just being weird. I take care of my baby sis, I shouldn't be getting off on imagining her panty clad pussy.

But...Lydia had said today would be a 'date', hadn't she? And then there was her diary entry to consider. All of it was making me excited and it shouldn't have been so I just wanted to move on from it. I mentally drew myself back to the room I was standing in.

With all of my plans for the day set, it was time to execute them. I grabbed my backpack and rifle bag and set out to go pick up Caleb.

****

As it turns out, our university was more than happy to take my application and even made it clear that they would be thrilled to take my blood money G.I. bill. Not surprising. And I picked up a list of first year courses so I could show Lydia later that night.

We pulled up to our home range in my treasured powder blue '73 Chevy Nova. That car meant more to me than any girlfriend I ever had and I had spent a whole summer in high school fixing her up nice. My friend unbuckled his seatbelt and slowly climbed out to fetch our bags.

Caleb was one of those guys that anyone can get along with. He was big, tall, had bright orange-red hair and a matching temperament. Great sense of humor.

As we stood outside and we each lit up a cigarette, a thought occurred to me. Having been deployed together, Caleb and I could talk about anything. Indeed, we HAD talked about nearly everything two people could. Except for the topic I had in mind. I wanted to know his opinion on the matter.

"Hey bro, you ever feel like maybe people add too much social stigma to things they don't understand, like especially when it comes to love?" I asked trying to sound as general as possible.

"For sure. Take gay marriage for example. A person loves who they love, and gay people should be allowed to be just as miserable as straight married couples, right?"

Of course that's what he inferred. Typical Caleb.

"But what about other stuff too, like not just gays and lesbians? What if, say, a dude and a chick wanted to marry each other but they were step siblings or something. Is there love any less valid?"

I took an immediate drag of my cigarette, looking away in the hopes of appearing nonchalant. This was uncharted territory.

"hmmm," Caleb said, scratching his beard. "That's a real tough one, man. A good thought experiment, though. I guess I'd have to say whatever makes them happy. If a chick loves her brother and wants to doink him, far be it for me to stand in their way. As long as it's consensual, obviously."

I noted his lack of the word 'step' brother, and my heart fluttered. I did not want to expound and accidently tip my hand. I got the answer I was hoping for so I dropped it there.

"Yeah, I agree. The topic came up in a online ethics forum and I wrote about it."

That of course was a total lie but I needed a plausible reason for asking him about it. He just laughed it off. Caleb was well aware that I was a huge philosophy nerd.

"Whew, that's some out-there shit, James. Let's get the gear."

We stomped out our cigarettes and I popped the trunk. He started lugging bag after bag onto his shoulders. I heard the clinking of steel and composites banging together and I knew he had brought way too many guns.

"Is all that really necessary? All I brought was my AR and my .45" I said ruefully.

"Well, I like to keep my options open, ya know. Never know what might come in handy."

He picked up a bandolier of grenades to sling over his neck.

"Uh uh. Caleb. No grenades-"

"But I-"

"NO. FUCKING. GRENADES."

"You're no fun anymore, James. You haven't shed blood in a while, that's why-"

I never got to hear the rest of what my friend said. It felt like I had suddenly been struck by lightning. The sun light was too bright, my ears started ringing, and there was this awful pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe.

I noticed only passingly that I was sinking to the ground, and I think Caleb might have been trying to say something. But I couldn't hear him, and that was the least of my worries.

Darkness encroached upon the outskirts of my vision. The pain and the ringing reached a peak and I thought, this is it. This is how I die. Right before I lost consciousness, a thought occurred to me: I never even got to tell her how I feel...Then total blackness.

****

I woke up in the VA hospital. There was beeping and I had sticky things and wires attached to my chest. My dad was asleep in a chair next to me and it looked like my mom was talking to a nurse. Lydia was sitting on the bed and had been apparently looking at me because when I opened my eyes, there were hers, wide and boring right into my soul.

For a second I couldn't speak. I was captivated by her intensity. And then my sister's tears started to fall. Though I was fairly sure that she wanted to give me a crushing hug, it appeared she was trying to be gentle because she just leaned forward onto me.

"You idiot. Please don't scare me like that."

"I'm sorry, Lyd. I have no idea what happened." I replied with genuine concern.

My mom and the nurse heard us and came rushing over to me. Lydia woke dad up by shaking his leg. To his credit, he awoke with grace and alertness as if he had not even been slumbering.

"Honey, how are you feeling?" My mom asked.

"Uh, fine I guess. But what happened to me?"

I was beginning to worry in earnest then. The whole thing was uncomfortably reminiscent of the previous year when I woke up in the ICU at Edwards Air Force Base with a hole blown through my back. Just with less pain, obviously. No pain, to be exact. It took me a second to realize it, but I felt absolutely fine. That could be a very good thing or a very bad thing, considering my "episode".

"James," my dad started "you had a severe panic attack."

"Come again" I said incredulously.

"Specifically," now the nurse chimed in "you had a bad reaction to an extreme panic episode most likely caused by combat related post traumatic stress disorder."

"But it felt like a heart attack. I couldn't breathe.."

"Yes, that is quite common with PTSD." she replied.

"But...I passed out for God's sake!"

I was beginning to feel irritated. I was a warrior dammit! I didn't faint! Especially over absolutely nothing in the middle of my day.

"Yes, that too is a common occurrence in extreme sufferers. We mostly wanted to let you rest and check your vitals to be safe. But you can go home whenever you like. You are going to be prescribed a medication called Ativan. It is for anxiety disorders, panic episodes in particular. Thank you for your visit today, Corporal Cox, we hope you feel better."

With that she was off, and I was left staring dumbfounded at my family.

"Can we go home now please?" I asked my parents.

"Sure sweetie."

****

The entire way home, Lydia sat next to me and held tightly to my hand. She refused to let go even when we stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my medication.

Every time I looked over at her, she had this look on her face like I might vanish before her very eyes. It broke my heart. I had totally screwed up everything I had planned for her birthday.

When I held the eye contact once, she looked down and began to blush. It was absolutely adorable.

I had truly thought that I was going to die today. And right before I passed out... It hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered what my last thought had been that afternoon. 'I never even got to tell her how I feel...'

How did I FEEL??

"James?" My sister ran her hand across my cheek and jaw. "Hey, you look a little pale. Are you okay?"

"Uh. Yeah...I..yeah."

I looked at Lydia and it was my turn to throw her an intense look. I saw the effect it had immediately. She squirmed in her seat.

"Maybe you should take one of your pills now, just in case?"

"'kay." I said in a haunting tone.

I could tell I was worrying her yet again, but I couldn't help the turmoil going on in my brain.

I guess she thought one wasn't good enough, because she opened the medicine bottle and then quickly pushed two pills into my mouth and handed me her water bottle.

"Thanks." I said, swallowing.

Great. I was stuck in a monosyllabic stupor. I felt Lydia squeeze my hand even tighter and, even though the situation was a direct result of her influence, I was glad to have her there to keep me grounded in the moment.

The meds kicked in before I even got home, and I felt like my entire body was made of rubber in a good way. My mind drifted and everything was calm and interesting. It didn't take long to figure out that the Ativan obviously lowered my inhibitions.

I looked over at my sister. Lydia was wearing her trademark dark tank top and short skirt. It was very form fitting with just the right amount of modesty. The tank top molded perfectly to the curves of her B cup breasts. I could tell she wore no bra but her tits were so perky that she didn't need one.

Her skirt was not as tight but short. It left her toned legs bare down to her black Chuck Taylors. I luxuriated in the sight of them and imagined how smooth her thighs would be to caress.

I started to wonder if Lydia shaved her pussy. I hadn't ever had a reason to ask. But I suddenly wanted very badly to know. My cock started to swell in my jeans.

I suppose I was not being very smooth because when I looked back up to her face, she was staring right at me. Lydia knew I was checking her out. Curiously though, she didn't appear upset by it. To the contrary, she was biting her lower lip and her deep green eyes were glistening in the faint light. Her face flushed a deep rose color.

I knew I had been caught but I didn't really care much. I was happy even. I got to look up and down the beautiful woman I shared most of my life with. I may not have acted this way if not for the milky pull of the sedative in my system. Thank god for tranquilizers. We each held the other's gaze for a while, until we pulled up at home.

"I'm pretty tired, guys. I think I'll turn in early tonight." I said as we walked to the door.

There was only a slight slur in my speech but I needed an excuse to be alone in my room for a bit. I was dangerously close to fucking Lydia with my eyes.

"Okay sport," said dad. "Get some rest."

"Love you honey" mom said.

"Love you too."

I stole one last look at my sister and she seemed to be communicating a question. I gave my head a nearly imperceptible nod and the side of her mouth upturned in a shy smile. I really hoped I'd gotten that right.

****

In my room at last, I took stock of the day. What a wild fuckin' ride. I peeled off my shirt and dropped my jeans, crawling into my soft bed with a contented sigh. My mind wondered aimlessly for some time, thinking of my future and what it might hold. Thinking of Lydia. I tried to picture her in my mind naked. How I wanted her to crawl into bed with me and wrap her fingers around my hard cock, teasing me. Her pert little nipples pointing straight out. The smell of her sex...

I didn't realize it but I had fallen asleep at some point. I awoke with a start to see my little sis walking across my room in the light of the moon. I thought for a second that my dream might actually be coming true. The little seductress was wearing one of my t-shirts and nothing else that I could see. She lifted the covers and crawled into bed with me. Lydia hooked her left leg around my hips and rested her head on my bare chest.

"I'm glad you came." I whispered to her.

"I'm glad you let me"

"Look, Lydia, I'm so sorry about today. I totally ruined your 18th birthday."

I felt horrible that I had woken her up early, then barged in her room without asking, and then scared her to death. Literally the worst things one could do on someone's birthday.

"You didn't, James. We're not celebrating 'til the weekend anyway. And besides, I've gotten a birthday present every single day for the last three months...because you came back to me."

My heart melted and a tear ran down my face. This girl had me wrapped around her finger. I'd do anything for her.

"But I really wanted to do something for your birthday. Something special. To show you how much I missed you and how much I love you."

"How about this," she rationalized "if you feel like you owe me something, you could let me stay with you tonight."

The way she said it left no doubt in my mind that she was hanging on my answer and maybe even scared that I might reject her. I couldn't do that and I didn't want to. But I still had to play hard to get. I rolled over on to my side and she did the same.

"Lydia..." I said with my older-brother-tone.

"Please? Just for tonight? I promise I won't bother you and you can kick me out in the morning and-"

I cut her off with a finger to her mouth. I lightly dragged it across her lips, feeling their full and pouty contours. Lydia's eyes began to widen from surprise.

I rolled her over so that we were both on our sides. She gave a small, shocked yelp but then giggled as I spooned up to her. She pressed her tight bottom back into my crotch and pulled my hand up to hold her breast. I could feel her nipple poking out of my shirt.

The smell of her hair was intoxicating and she felt so warm up against my body. We stayed like that and I drifted off much faster than I had been accustomed to recently.

At some point in the night, I woke up to a wonderful feeling. And then I realized what it was and I froze. My sister was gyrating her hips and essentially using her ass to rub my cock through my underwear. Needless to say, I was as hard as stone. I could feel that she was not wearing any panties and so my thin underwear was the only barrier between my erect penis and my little sister's bare ass crack. Lydia also had a hand down between her legs and was obviously touching herself. Her friction felt so good I didn't want to risk her stopping, but I figured I had to let her know I was awake.

"Lydia..." I sighed happily.

Then she froze. I was beginning to wonder if I had broken her when she slowly turned to face me.

And in the moonlight, with my sister's eyes gleaming and her mouth partially agape, her form laying prone next to me and her face flushed from her self-pleasuring, my heart filled with all the pride and love I felt for her. Lydia was the most special thing about my life. I would never doubt that again.

I didn't want too much time to think and chicken out. I leaned in and kissed Lydia. Gentle at first, to gauge her reaction. Then, as she began to kiss back, I matched her urgency. We were soon playing full contact tonsil hockey. Her warm tongue entering my mouth and mine pushing back into hers, exploring her taste. I was making out with my little sister. And it was the most sensual and erotic experience of my life.

I lifted her shirt out of the way and pressed my hand to her tummy, rubbing in small circles just under her navel. She whimpered a little in my mouth and I bit her lower lip. At some point we both came up for air, though not for lack of trying to exist anaerobically in that moment. We looked deep into the other as we panted slightly. Then she said something quite unexpected.