Predominantly Concerned with Sex

"I will be. Just... What can... Is there anything?"

"No. I'd like a hug. That's about all. You were always a good hugger, mate."

That just set me off again. It took me about five minutes to get my breathing back under control and to start untangling the web of thoughts swirling around that giant rock inside me.

Nelly. Dead.

Pills. My god, probably my pills. I haven't seen them since...

Slowly, the tears clear enough for me to turn the key in the ignition and point the car towards Nelly's apartment in West End. I'd only ever visited her place once or twice. She usually stayed in town at my place if we went clubbing.

I'm met at the lift by her Mum who wrapped me in a tight hug and didn't let me go until she'd finished crying.

"We wanted to ring but didn't know your number." She wiped her eyes.

"I just can't believe..."

"She's attempted before. She was doing really well though. I'll just get this load down to the car. There's a box of things in there... She was so damned organised. Must have planned... God damn brat, I could give her a bloody hiding. Sorry... Hmmph."

Inside the little apartment is stark and echoes.

"You're Bobby?"

"Hi. Therese?"

She nods and gestures at a box in the corner. "That one has your name on it. A phone number would have been helpful. Planned everything the little bitch. Right down to funeral cover and contacting police."

I squat beside the box and open it to find her record collection, some t-shirts she'd stolen from me over time, cards I'd sent for birthdays and a few other knickknacks.

"The funeral..."

"Been and gone, Bobby. We didn't know how to contact you. She wiped her phone and there was no-one else to call."

The room was suddenly stuffy and I needed air.

"Bobby, no. Don't go in-" Therese tried to warn me as I made for Nelly's bedroom and the balcony it opened on to. "Painters haven't been yet."

Standing in her doorway my mouth frozen open in shock, and I look at the walls of her room that are covered in scrawled handwriting and spray painted words.

Fuck-toy. Twat puppet. Meat tunnel. Cunt. Cock socket. You're nothing. Useless piece of flesh with a hole to hose out. No one wants you. Worn out slut. It went on and on forever. The one wall behind her bed was left unmarked. The one that was always behind her in our facetime chats. The others were a relentless story of self-loathing and painted over the top of it in red that dribbled like blood down the wall was, "Daddy's little princess SLUT".

Mrs Jackson appears beside me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Her father. That's where the bi-polar came from. He was the loveliest man; he was the evillest too. He loved us dearly. He hurt us terribly. Did things to the girls I didn't find out about until a couple of years ago. By that stage he was gone to us. She hated the medication, but it was helping so much. Her greatest fear was that she would turn out like him."

"This isn't who..." My words are shaky and whispered.

"No. It isn't. But she didn't give us a chance to show her, did she? Come on. Close the door on this. Don't dignify it with attention." She pulls the door behind us and as it shuts it feels like the end of things. "Did you get a letter? Therese and I got letters. Sweet little nothings that she should have told us in person. Stuff we knew."

In the box marked, 'Bobby' is an envelope that I first thought to be a card that I'd given her, but it has my name on the back of it. Inside I find a handwritten note in her curly precise style.

Dear Bobby,

I wished every one of those men I ever fucked was you, but I didn't deserve you. I'm sorry for doing this, this way. It feels cruel like having the last word and not letting you fix me up like you always do. Your friendship has been the glue that held me together when I felt like tearing me apart. I'm tired of hurting in my head. I'm tired of running amok and hating myself afterwards. So, I'm going to take a Diazepam like we do when we're hungover and I'm going to fall asleep snuggling you one last time.

Love always,

Nell.

I'm crying quietly when I stand and crumple the note in my cranky fist. "Fucking bitch."

Therese laughs at that, "A bit kinder than what I said after reading mine. But yes. Fucking bitch."

"If you can help with these last few boxes, we're going to be finished here. I hate it in here. Need to go home and scrub myself." Mrs Jackson tells me. I nod and quietly go about the business of carrying boxes to the lift and loading them into her car.

I wonder as I do it, how many boxes I would leave behind if I died. It feels sad that this is all that's left of Nelly and it fits in the back seat of her mother's sedan.

"Well..." Mrs Jackson stops beside her car with her hands on her hips. "We probably won't see you again, Bobby. Thanks for being a friend to my baby when she needed you."

The box feels stupid in my arms as I carry it to my ute. I don't want these things. I want Nelly to smile and bring the wild.

~* *~

"To the tenants." Is addressed on the envelope which is stupid because the real estate knows my name. I've rented this unit for the last three years.

It turns out to be a lease renewal advice. If I wish to extend for another six months, I simply need to sign the included documents and return in the pre-paid envelope.

It's come around quickly this time, or I've been busy, but the six months seems to have flown by. The last time I renewed my lease was just before Nelly committed suicide. I still check her facebook page now and then and remember the wild child friend. When she passed it felt like I stepped out into a grown-up world for the first time.

Work has been hectic as usual and that's helped but I can't shake the feeling that this city is empty to me. I have a few acquaintances but no-one I'd call a friend. Apart from family, I have no visitors and no-one to visit. This city is just a location.

"What if I didn't?"

Mum's not much of a talker. She's not as blunt as Dad either. She's soft and loving. She listens and lets you pour out everything before making some really astute suggestion or smiling as you gain some insight and work it out for yourself.

I hand her the flowers and remember every time she held me close like this, every skinned knee, bruised heart or moment of outrage. Then I sit and just soak up being near her. I pour us both a cup of tea. Just how she likes it.

White with one. Sweet and strong.

Then just like always she waits quietly for me to spill my soul like I was that little boy again.

"Remember Nell, mum." I show her the picture on my phone. "It's my favourite. We were sitting on the beach at the coast eating ice creams and I was laughing at the dribble on her chin."

"She killed herself. I'm just not... Not getting over it like I should." It's hard to talk to Mum. She knows if you're minimising, avoiding things, or just plain lying to yourself and she takes it personally. So, I gather thoughts before continuing.

"We were friends. We started out as more, you remember... but... She was broken Mum. Inside her. Bi-polar, her Mum said. I never knew. It explains things though. It... I mean I get why she was the way she was sometimes now. So much damn fun. Haha. It was like someone lit a fuse on a party bomb some nights."

"But now I know that was part of it all. I've done some reading. You know... on the disorder to help maybe... Shit. I just can't get the picture of her room out of my head sometimes. That was actually how she thought of herself. Her Mum said her father did things. I know... I know... She was broken a bit and it's not my job to fix everyone, but I just wish I'd known more. I could have... No, you're right. I can't help people who don't reach out. Fuck. Sorry."

Mum's smile though. It's pure forgiveness and love. I sip at my tea and think.

"I should probably go see a shrink or something. It's really messing with me. I've told you about Tinder and I know you don't approve but it's... Well, a few times since then I've met girls and every damn time, I see Nelly's room and all those things and it just feels so cheap and grotty. I know... Sex is healthy and everything but... I guess, I want more. You remember Abigail? We broke up. It's like I've been attracted to these broken angels all along."

"The real reason I'm here though is that I'm thinking of moving away. I mean there's only Andrew and you here now, and I can always come back and visit. Oh... because I... Well, it feels like time to. My lease is up. Mostly I want something different. I want to work on me. Yeah, that sounds chintzy. But it's like I feel like I am supposed to be more. You know, be that person that someone fantastic deserves."

"Well, it's just not going to happen here in the city. I'll keep doing the same things and getting the same results. I've built this pattern; this version of me that I'm not so in love with anymore and I have to. I want to like me again. Not this fuckboy. It's like my whole world is about fucking and I feel a little bit like I helped scrawls on Nelly's wall. I've let other women feel like she felt."

"I want to go somewhere where I don't even know me."

"Yup. Make myself all over again. You got it."

"I'll miss you too."

My heart that has felt like a barren place since Nelly left, feels that little glow in a corner that is the love in my mother's eyes every time we finished one of these talks. I pull the weeds from around her headstone and put my flowers in the little holder thingy.

A crisp autumn breeze stirs around me, and I smile. There's always some little sign of her after a good talk. This breeze feels like a change in the seasons. I can smell winter coming on it.

"Maybe you can keep an eye out for her, Mum. She could use a friend."

I stopped at the real estate on the way home and gave them four weeks' notice.

I stopped in at work and gave them two.

It must have been the right thing to do. A feeling like the weight had been lifted off me buoyed me all afternoon as I trawled job websites and tried to imagine a new life.

Andrew let me pack belongings into his shed. It reminded me of Barbara packing Nelly's boxes into her car. I was packing up who I was and I was a bit sad to leave that 'me' behind. At least there was some furniture to store and more boxes than would fit in a back seat.

I kept one of Nelly's records to take with me wherever I end up. She loved this album. Pornography, by the Cure. Her favourite song was A Strange Day.

I close my eyes

Move slowly through drowning waves

Going away on a strange day.

"Here blokey. Give me that. That's it now, hey?" Andrew tucks the last box under the tarp. "Come on, beer o'clock. Angie's got some snags out for the kids. You hungry?"

"Starving."

"You look good, little mate." He looks at me curiously. "You're doing the right thing. All that serious is gone."

"Go wash up a little, fellas." Angie crinkles her nose when she kisses my cheek. "Smelly. You too, Andy. Shoo."

"We'll miss you, little mate. The ute should hold up so long as you take it easy."

Annie has claimed my lap as usual and slurps sauce off her wrist. "Mummy says it's a bucket of shit."

"Annie!" Angela laughs.

"Sorry. A bucket of poo." Annie smiles over her shoulder at me. "But she did say the 's' word."

"Well, she's correct." I hug the cheeky little cow. "But it's my bucket of poo and I like it."

"No jobs yet?" Angie asks.

"Nope. Gonna explore a bit. See what I can find. It's coming into cotton harvest so there should be something going."

"Well just be careful. I worry about you, buddy."

I drove. I just kept driving until I felt like had left the city far enough behind.

I drove till I couldn't see mountains.

Until the horizon stretched its arms wide open for me.

That first sunset was enough to make me pull over. I felt like I had never seen a sunset before. It stretched violent red, right through the sky and silhouetted the sparse trees black against the fire of the dipping sun.

Sitting on the bull-bar I watched until the light had faded to a dim glow before setting off again. My headlights made a tunnel of the road and I drove until I started yawning. I had been hoping to make it to a town but at least I knew where I was going now. I was heading to the heart of that glorious sunset.

~* *~

I drove the bole buggy. At six each morning, I fuelled all the tractors and helped the girls on the module builders check engine oil and make sure the hydraulics were all topped up. Then as soon as the moisture dropped enough for the pickers to start, I chased them down the rows and tried to keep them empty.

They'd tip into me and I'd run back down the rows, flat out in the tractors highway gears to feed the module builders and I did this all day until the moisture came up again and shut us down. The days were long and it was exactly what I needed.

There was no time to think of anything other than driving.

Every night, I rolled my swag out in the back of the ute and lay out looking at the millions of stars and sleep would claim me quickly. My body was aching, but my dreams were gentle things these days.

We only had two nights off that whole three months. It rained lightly two nights in a row and we made the most of it in town. It was strange talking with the other workers. We spoke constantly while working using the two-ways and sometimes we had a bit of a joke, but you don't really know them until you sit down and share a meal and a couple of drinks.

For instance, I learned that Isa grows no body hair whatsoever. She whispered this to me late that first night in town as the bar was closing.

"Would you like to see?"

"Oh..." My face still hurt from laughing with the others all night, but I hadn't actually considered hooking up with anyone.

"What's the matter, Bobby? Don't like Pilipina's? Or maybe... don't like girls?" Her smile says she's teasing.

"No... That's not it. You're a pretty woman, Isa. Just... It's a long story." She reaches for my hand.

"Well come on. Come and tell me a long story. I'm not tired yet. It's only ten. I can't believe they shut at ten."

I laughed. I wasn't tired either and she was a pretty girl. Would it hurt to hang out a little while?

"So, we're out of beer and it's getting late." She summarised the present situation. "And I'm kinda horny still, Bobby. Would you like to come to bed with me if I promise not to feel used and cheap?"

"I think I would, Isa."

She didn't have hair anywhere except for her head.

"Some boys think it's a bit creepy. I mean, I'm kind of small and..."

Her room was a little larger than mine. There was room for her to twirl and let me drink her body down. It was like my first ever shot of whiskey. It was the first time I really actually looked at what a woman was offering me. She burned all the way down.

"You're going to have be a little careful with that." She smiled up at me and tasted the tip of me. "I'm little and he's really excited I think."

"It's been a long time, Isa."

"I get it. Now shh." I slip deep inside her hot lips and her tongue swirls masterfully on me. Good lord, she's gonna get it soon, alright.

Just moments later I hold her head still and buck gently as I empty the last few months and she drinks them down.

"Now lie back, Bobby. Let me show you exactly how consenting adults respectfully use each other to feel good."

"You clown." I laugh and comply, watching as she grins around the foil of condom and tears it open.

"Oh god yes." She groans as she works the tip of me inside her vice like velvet grip. "Just wait... a little... yes..."

She sits down hard on my pelvis and I marvel at the tiny woman smiling at me like she's just won a prize.

"All day long I wonder what it would be like for the bole buggy guy to fuck me. You know all the girls want you, Bobby."

"Right."

"Really. We talk about you. Oh god..." She's started moving me inside her. Her hips roll gently and I'm so glad I already came because the ridges of her insanely tight walls massage me with every slight tilt and grind of her.

"See, this isn't hurtful. This is glorious. See. No expectations. Just, oh fuck yes."

Her legs snap against my hips and her contractions eject me forcefully.

"Happy... Oh... Just happy... people... playing with... no clothes... Fuck, it won't stop. Put it back."

She searches between us for my cock and slides it slippery back inside her.

"Now fuck me, Bobby."

Three condoms later, she curls into my shoulder and kisses my cheek.

"Stay? It's nice to cuddle with a man. I miss my husband."

"Husband?" Fucking hell... She doesn't wear a ring.

"He is a lovely man. Cuddles very good. Just is always a long way away."

"Shit." I shake my head. The first sex I've actually enjoyed in six months and I'm an adulterer.

"Oh... No, Bobby. Not... Don't feel bad now, baby. We're just two adults sharing bodies. No one is hurt. Please stay."

"I-" I have to think.

"Maybe I should have told you earlier, but he doesn't mind. We are hardly ever together. This is okay, Bobby."

In any case, I'm freshly shagged, a little sozzled and very tired.

We woke to a rainy day and knew work was off again. I told myself that the crime was already committed so we spent the rest of that day in her room. We spoke between vigorous bouts, and I let her convince me that her relationship allowed my enjoyment of her body.

She shared the back of my ute after that.

We followed the cotton down over the border that season until we'd cut out all the contracts. I hadn't touched the house deposit money except for fuel and had a cheque in my hand for thirteen thousand dollars and some.

Isa cried when she left. It was the first time that I thought that it's impossible to share your body with someone and not get attached in some small way. Not if you're doing it properly. It was different to those random hook ups and pub pickups. Healthy... But a guaranteed fail just the same. Maybe I think too much. Maybe it was just what I needed.

But there I was.

In a town called St George parked on the bank of a river. Waiting for my cheque to cash before I moved towns again. The Australian Hotel seemed like a great place to wait after months of travelling and working. I sat at the bar and drank beer and laughed with some man beside me who seemed to believe entertaining the bar was his mission.

A pretty back packer girl called Megan brought us drinks and laughed along. Her lilting Irish accent was as welcome as the cold beer and the golden spring light that spilled in the windows. Was this what happiness feels like?

Is this relaxed, nowhere to be, nothing pressing to do, this friendly banter; is this what happiness feels like?

"Where to next then, Bobby?" Megan asked. "Spring is usually good for tomato work. Try Childers."

"No. Not going back that side of the range. People this side are so much easier. Just straight. You know? No bullshit. I might find something local. No real hurry. I have enough to live on for a few months."

"Can you drive machinery?" A gruff voice asks behind me. I turn to find a large unruly looking sort of bloke eating his pizza and evaluating me.

"I drove the bole buggy all season. I don't know about other stuff, but I pick things up quick." I shrugged.

"Good. You're not one of those bullshitters who big notes his hole and fucks my gear up. I've got some dirt needs shifting. Megan love, can you put my number on a coaster or something for him? What's your name?"

"Robert Holmes." We shake hands.

"Well Robert, you'll probably want to shake the cotton dust off for a week or so but when you're ready give me a ring and I'll hook you up with some earthmoving work. Can always use an operator. Thanks Megan. Tell Sally the pizza was great."