Put a Little Love in Your Heart

That night, we talked into the early morning hours of the next day. He asked me about the happiest days of my life. Remember, my memory was still weak, but I rattled off the dates of birth of my two children and then June 17, 1993 -- 28 years ago! That was the day I married Peter and I remembered how happy I was that day, especially now that he wanted to re-start our lives together!"

I noticed, suddenly Joan was very quiet and sad, but I continued. "You know what the most amazing thing about that date! It was my friend Robert's wedding date too - day, month, and year precisely! Can you believe that? Joan, Joan, Joan! Talk to me Joan!"

She had fallen on the floor and was passed out cold. I called 911 for an ambulance. By the time they got here, Joan was once again fully alert. The crew checked her vital readings and said there was no need to transport. Perhaps she was dehydrated. I gave her some water and held her tenderly because the tears were still flowing. She started speaking but I couldn't make any sense out of her words.

"It has to be him, it has to be him -- oh please God, make it be him. Your friend Robert has the same wedding day as you and ME! It has to be my Robert -- you call him your friend, was his name Robert"?

"YES, YES! -- it's not possible for all three of us to share the same wedding date!" Well, I guess it could but on the verge of impossibility.

"Rita, can I call him? I need to talk to him. We're still married. I never divorced him, I was so ashamed by my own behavior, I couldn't do that to a good man. He was almost perfect until he found out about my two affairs and only started drinking heavily when I began to humiliate him with my behavior. Oh God, what did I do, what have I done, I'm so ashamed!"

"Joan, one night when Robert and I were talking, I told him how I wanted to beg my husband for forgiveness even though I couldn't recall his name at that time. He told me about his experience in AA and of his need to speak with you and your kids to ask for your forgiveness for his conduct. "It was what I want most in my life" he said. "I can die in peace if I finish this -- the final hurdle of my 12-step program!" Then I asked him if he was ready to forgive you too. His answer was "I've already forgiven her completely -- I no longer have room in my heart and soul for hate or distrust."

Joan called each of her kids that night as I called Peter. Peter could not believe he lived two blocks from the woman married to the man that rescued his wife.

After explaining to Joan Robert's daily schedule, we planned a call from Joan's house for the next night. Robert would regularly watch the 11pm news before going to bed and the time change in Dallas would be an hour earlier so we planned to call around 10pm Dallas time as he was rested and ready for bed around that time.

Robert's Story

I was alone again for the five months that followed. At this point, my loneliness was different. I was optimistic that my life was looking up. I remembered what Ralph promised me in my dreams, so I laughed. "He'd never broken a promise in his life once he regained his sobriety." I couldn't believe I was talking to myself again and wondered once again what changes I could make in my life. In the grand scheme of time, I didn't have long to wonder.

Friday was very busy at the soup kitchen, so I returned home later than usual. I couldn't wait to put my phone on the nightstand, get into my pajamas, and fix a cup of hot chocolate, one of my few remaining vices after getting sober. I came out of the kitchen and my phone started ringing. Most nights, I would have let it go to voice mail but, heck, tonight I answered "Hello?" There was silence on the other end. I was ready to hit the red button when I heard a voice - "Dad, is that you? I can't believe we found you!"

"Greg, oh my God, Greg -- how are you son! It's so good to hear your voice. Where are you! I miss you and your brother and sister. Are you married; do you have kids? Can you come to see me -- Oh, God -- I've missed my family, even Joan! I am so sorry I was such a horrible person!"

I was crying in hysterics. I didn't think I could go on.

"Dad -- Mom's here with me -- she needs to talk to you. Don't hang up, don't hang up on any of us anymore, please!"

"Robert, are you still there?" I'd know Joan's voice even if it was speaking quietly inside a subway car.

"Yes, I'm here Joan -- I am so sorry for the man I was and so sorry that I ruined our family. That was what I was trying to say to you when I called, what was that 10-11 years ago. This means I've really completed the 12 steps of redemption!"

"Robert -- there is no need to apologize -- I ruined our family with my affairs. Yes, there was more than just that one. I feel horrible for what I put you through. It was my actions that caused you to turn to the bottle, but I never fell out of love with you. Robert -- you need to know, I never divorced you -- we're still married, and, and, and I still love you so much it hurts!"

I didn't know what to think -- this miserable excuse for a man was being forgiven by the family he threw away for a couple of liters of scotch and bourbon.

"Robert, I need to tell you an amazing but true story that occurred last week. We've lived in this neighborhood in Dallas for almost 6 years and one of our neighbors -- he was divorced with two kids -- and his situation was like ours. He was trying to find his ex-wife so she could return to the family. Apparently, there was an online story in Cincinnati about a woman who had no recollection of her identity. The story was about her and her struggles but also about the kindness of a man who helped her regain her memory and eventually provided him the information to reconnect with his wife. You know Rita -- she's here with her husband Peter and their kids."

"I became friends with her -- she kept telling me about her special wonderful man -- how she loved him as much as her ex-husband and knew he was so depressed when she left. Then she told me something amazing, "you know" she said, "My wedding and his wedding were both on the exact same day -- June 17, 1993." Our anniversary! Robert, it was your Rita -- she lives two blocks from us. When I screamed that you were my husband -- she gave me your phone number!"

I couldn't catch my breath. How could something like that happen. Talk about a one in 330 million shot. I didn't deserve this. I've sinned in so many ways, I'm still afraid to walk into a church, although I have regained the faith of my childhood. I still have the sheet of paper she left me. I took it out of my wallet just two days ago. I can't figure out why she would have written "Ralph called, said all is forgiven in heaven and on earth".

My mind was scrambled -- I didn't know what to say next. Tears were flowing from my eyes so fast I had a puddle on the chair I was sitting on. I think all I said was "Joan, can I please come home, I need you and the kids, please!"

Two days later, I was on an American Airlines flight to Dallas. My mind is still a jumble of thoughts -- I cannot concentrate! I couldn't even recall how old my children are? I know they're probably finished with school by now! Well, maybe not. I took out my journal that I placed in the seat back in front of me. Let's see, it is 2021 and my oldest was borne in 1993 so she's 28, my oldest son in 1996 so he's 25 and my youngest was 2000. Yeah, I remember the day he was born, election day and thought the election would still be argued until he was in kindergarten. I might be able to see him graduate from college.

I thought the flight took forever -- maybe 20 hours to arrive -- time is moving too slow. Then, as the flight neared Dallas, time was rushing by. I wasn't ready for this! This is just a ruse to shame me -- what would I do? How could I show my face? Would they be disappointed with me? Would they eventually decide this was a bad idea? I was having an anxiety attack! Then, I heard a quiet voice -- it was Ralph.

"Robert, I told you all has been forgiven in heaven and on earth. Live the life you've earned. You're a good man, Robert and I'll happily greet you here when your day comes, but that is not now. Live your life to the fullest. Accept your well-earned reward on earth!"

All I know is I'm with my wife and three kids, 2 married, and my granddaughter and will attend my youngest son's graduation from Texas A&M in May along with his commissioning ceremony. "Life is very good indeed! Oh, my little granddaughter is calling. See you folks later!"

Because it matters, for your reference, the 12 Steps, as outlined in the original Big Book and presented by AA are:

1. Admitting powerlessness over the addiction
2. Believing that a higher power (in whatever form) can help
3. Deciding to turn control over to the higher power
4. Taking a personal inventory
5. Admitting to the higher power, oneself, and another person the wrongs done
6. Being ready to have the higher power correct any shortcomings in one's character
7. Asking the higher power to remove those shortcomings
8. Making a list of wrongs done to others and being willing to make amends for those wrongs
9. Contacting those who have been hurt, unless doing so would harm the person
10. Continuing to take personal inventory and admitting when one is wrong
11. Seeking enlightenment and connection with the higher power via prayer and meditation
12. Carrying the message of the 12 Steps to others in need