Quetzalcoatl Pt. 02

"I do love myself now, no matter what you say. I have so many friends who care about me. Your words are just that, words, and they can't break me. I'm happy. I love myself. You lost."

Then it's as if the negative fire is doused in gasoline. The Darkness flares up and the air becomes so cold I can see my breath. Its shadows swallow the moonlight around us whole.

"You really are pathetic." Its voice is deadly quiet. "I have never hated you more than I do right now."

"I don't give a fuck how you feel."

"Yes, I was starting to catch on to that. Unfortunately it's clear I can't hurt you as much as I want to, so I did some digging. Whatever divine intervention deleted that man hurt you very much. I wanted to see if I could tap into that power."

I imagine the Darkness as a computer virus, infecting archives and penetrating even the most tightly encrypted files.

"In my search I found something locked away with so much effort that I knew whatever it was, it was something big. Maybe something I could use to destroy you. It took time, but finally I uncovered the truth."

As much as I don't want to, I get intrigued. I gave up looking for answers, but my desire to know hasn't gone away.

"Now that I know it's really amazing you never figured it out for yourself. Then again, it has always been in your best interest to never learn the truth."

I'm beginning to shiver, though from the cold or fear I can't say.

"Think about it, Eros. A paradise conveniently separate from the rest of the world, full of things that could save the world many times over? You being selected to live here despite being a fucking waste of space that has never been worth anything? You getting a job that requires having all the hot sex you could ever ask for? It's boring. It's cliche. It's not even creative. But you're so goddamn pathetic you've made yourself blind to the fact that none of this is real."

I take a step back. I can hear thunder crack in the distance.

"Of course this is real. I'm living in it!"

"Yes, but it's not really living. This is all a dream you're having."

More thunder. A strong wind begins blowing.

"Your mind conjured this reality because you can't survive in the real world. It was so desperate to create any sort of happiness that it ripped open a wormhole in your psyche and locked you away in the realm of dreams. That's how far you're willing to go. That's how low you've fallen."

There's a rumble and I can feel the ground shift under my feet.

"No...no, it's not a dream. I'm awake! I'M AWAKE!!"

"Keep lying to yourself all you want, but you know it's true. None of this shit makes sense. None of it adds up. Half of these people are based off of characters from video games!"

A fire starts to burn. It seemingly springs from the ground and begins engulfing everything.

"You're the most pathetic thing to ever exist. You couldn't even dream of a world where you're not useless. You could have created anything and THIS is what you came up with? You make me sick. People like you should just die. Quetzalcoatl isn't real. Foxie isn't real. Eros isn't real. THIS IS ALL A DREAM! THIS IS ALL A FUCKING LIE!!"

Reality shatters like glass and I'm swept away.

*****

I come to in the same field where I had my first dream, which feels like it was a lifetime ago, except now I know I'm awake. At least, awake as Eros.

The illusion is broken and now it seems so clear.

So painfully, brutally clear.

Quetzalcoatl is too good to be true because it isn't true.

This is a dream.

I break down, crying my heart out. My friends, my life, my happiness in Quetzalcoatl has all been a lie! And what's worse is that it's a lie I told myself! I'm on the ground now, swallowed whole by my pain.

I don't want it to be true, but I can't believe my own tricks anymore.

The Darkness won.

It broke me.

"I'm so sorry, Eros," says Nobody's voice.

Two people have appeared: Nobody and Quetzalcoatl in his human form, the one he used when piloting that jet.

It feels better to be around anyone who isn't the Darkness, but I can't stop my overwhelming despair.

"Why? H-how did this h-happen?" I choke out, sobbing. It takes so much effort to even sit myself up.

Quetzalcoatl approaches me and puts his hand on my arm.

"Do you really desire to hear the answers?"

I look up at these two mysterious beings. I want to trust them.

The secret has already been uncovered. I owe it to myself to see this through to the end.

"I want to know everything."

Nobody walks up and stands next to Quetzalcoatl.

"Together, the two of us can tell you the whole story. If you wish, we can merge and give you the answers."

"Merge? What does that mean?"

Quetzalcoatl gets down on his haunches.

"You are the one who created me, gave me all the power I have over this world. Though it's more accurate to say he's the one who made me," the dragon gestures to Nobody, "when he was still you. If he gives himself to me, we will better understand the how and why."

I furrow my brow.

"Why do you need to do that? Can't you each just tell me what you know?"

I'm surprised by the way Quetzalcoatl answers.

"I can show you many things, but I'm not confident I can communicate well. I've never had to interact with anyone before this. Please, Eros. Lend me a part of you so I can complete my final mission properly." At this point he looks frustrated and slightly embarrassed in a way that feels very human.

"Do what you have to do."

"I intend to, but I should ask one more time: are you prepared to learn the truth?"

For some reason I remember something I heard long ago.

I'm confident we're provided with all we want, but what if it comes at the cost of what we need?

I don't want to know. I never want to know. I want to go back to the time when I thought everything was real and stay in this world forever.

But I've been living only for what I want for too long.

I need to know.

"Please, tell me."

Quetzalcoatl rises to his feet and holds both of Nobody's hands. The blurry form of Nobody shatters into light and shoots into Quetzalcoatl's chest. The human form of the dragon deity is engulfed in a blinding fire, one so bright I need to look away until it fades.

Now standing before me is the same Quetzalcoatl, but in a way I can't quite describe, his body language, the way he carries himself, his overall energy, is different. It's more like me. His eyes are my hazel eyes now, not the orange eyes of the feathered serpent.

"I am Quetzalcoatl. I am the dreamer that made this world. I'm the creator and I'm the destroyer. And I did it all because you told me to. You're the one who dreamed me."

The dreamer holds his hand out and helps me to my feet. He doesn't let go when I'm standing.

"I will show you the truth."

Once again I'm taken somewhere else.

*****

Quetzalcoatl has led me to an endless black void.

"Where are we?" I ask.

He gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before explaining.

"We're nowhere. This is a time before there was even a 'here' to be. But it won't be that way for long."

There's a flash of light nearby and I can see a sort of birth. A young boy, 18 or 19 in appearance, appears. He's small, pale, and naked. His long golden hair sways in an invisible wind. Then I see the boy grow, years passing in mere seconds. His height and hair length increase and magical energy flows into him. Soon he becomes Quetzalcoatl in his human form.

"You dreamt me and gave me one singular purpose: making you happy. I have all the power of a dreamer, near infinite control over this realm. You are the one who gave me that power."

The pilot's uniform appears on the Quetzalcoatl I can see in the distance and he shimmers before becoming the winged serpent.

"In your life, you've always loved stories. You've done so much research into history, mythology, and folklore. That knowledge was vital for the creation process. With it, I could create this country, its people, and their history."

The dragon flies around and things appear. Grass and trees, buildings, roads, and finally people. In a couple minutes the place I've called home for over a year is created.

"Unfortunately, this wouldn't be so simple. The part of you that created me knew that if you were just given this paradise the way you were, you wouldn't accept it. You wouldn't think you deserved it. So you gave me one last order."

A shadowy figure appears and the Quetzalcoatl from the past uses its power to divide that figure into three: Me, Nobody, and the Darkness.

"All memory of your past was given to Nobody. Your self-hatred was removed and became the Darkness. Both were sealed away. All knowledge of this world's origin was left to me alone."

The two other beings disappear and the past me is brought down to the inside of a gate on the edge of town. I recognize this moment as where my memories begin. I know the Eros I see there is soon going to meet up with Curie to create his dream body. He's so excited about what's to come he doesn't think about anything that happened before this moment.

"Despite my precautions, you still have an inquisitive mind. I knew that this might not be enough. But people are much easier to deceive when they have a reason to believe the stories told to them, so I created someone who would make you very, very happy. Hopefully happy enough to keep you from wondering."

Similar to Quetzalcoatl's birth, the dragon creates Foxie. I can also see his old house, the one he lived in before moving in with me, spring to existence.

"Foxie knew only one thing about the mission I created him for: he loved you."

The scene shifts and I can see the moment me and Foxie first met.

"Make no mistake, Eros. The love Foxie has for you is entirely real and genuine. He's not your lover because he has to. He wants to love you, and I think you and I both agree he does that wonderfully."

Now it's the night of the earthquake. I'm in bed with Foxie, trying to calm him down.

"You noticed in this moment that Foxie seemed shocked, even alarmed that there was a new arrival. That's because he thought you would be the last. I planted that idea within his very being."

"If I really was supposed to be the last then why did Wallace come here in the first place?"

"I can't quite explain that. This seemingly just happened without me ordering it. Or at least not consciously ordering it. Perhaps it was because something more powerful than me was at play: This dream can't last forever. You'll have to wake up, and it would be sooner rather than later.

"The only thing that can override my goal to make you happy is keeping you from finding out this is a dream. That's why I kept a close eye on the interactions you had with this strange new citizen and the thoughts you had afterward. I suspected he might be trouble, so at the beginning I separated you two."

The whole of Quetzalcoatl warps and twists at the dragon's command as Wallace's construction site is moved to the other side of town.

"Sadly, you're a being from a realm outside my power, so I couldn't modify your memories like I could at the beginning when Nobody was helping me. You would still remember how things used to be. It was confusing, but you adjusted. You chose to maintain peace, like I knew you would."

I can see days flash by in a matter of moments.

"Back then I didn't understand why Nobody told you of your memories being sealed, but now I know. He wasn't aware this was a dream, but he knew that you and this world were in danger. He wanted to help you however he could.

"As time passed, things got more complicated. You were finally starting to wonder, question what was happening around you in a way you hadn't before. These events came to a head when you decided to tell Wallace about your amnesia. At that moment I knew he was too dangerous to keep around."

Once again the timeline changes.

"However, there was still one variable out of my control: the Darkness. It had escaped its prison and I couldn't stop it. Like you, it's from a different plane, beyond my reach. None of my defenses were strong enough to keep it from the truth forever. Eventually the Darkness found the secret that would destroy this reality."

Everything fades away and now we're back in that field.

"Now you know the how, all the things I've done as Quetzalcoatl to protect this world, and how I ultimately failed. I'm sorry for that. You dreamed me into existence and I couldn't do what you requested."

"No, it's not your fault. You did everything you could."

I give the dragon a hug, and I can tell he appreciates the affection. He needs a moment to get his bearings before he speaks again.

"Ultimately, the how is the easy part. The why is much harder to deal with. In the world of the living, you know the why. You'll instantly remember it the moment you wake up. But I can tell you a little, while you're still here."

"Please, I want to know. Why did I create such an elaborate illusion? Why did I lock myself away for so long?"

Quetzalcoatl's gaze falls.

"It was an act of survival. The night you're having this dream is the night before you intend to commit suicide."

I have to physically take a step back so I don't crumple to the ground.

I know I was unhappy. I know I hated myself. But was it really that bad?

"I can't fully convey to you how you came to this point. You haven't lived this life, so you can't truly understand. But I can tell you some of the things that brought you here. Is that okay?"

I look at Quetzalcoatl, my head still spinning as I nod.

"You've had a hard life, a lonely one. Growing up you've been bullied and had difficulty finding friends, whether during school, college, or your adult life. There were moments of happiness, you had your own hobbies and interests, but you often felt like there was something missing.

"You were fourteen years old when you discovered that you're bisexual. You loved girls, but you also loved the other boys. You knew that could lead to being ostracized further, so you kept it secret until college. During that time you experimented until there was no remaining doubt. You were queer, different from many of the people around you.

"Even in your adult life, you were plagued with doubts. Uncertainty. Insecurity. You tried to put yourself out there, but your attempts didn't go the way you wanted them to. You were depressed, but from the beginning, you always had one lifeline: your mother."

I feel tears well up in my eyes.

"She was your rock. She accepted you, loved you, gave you a reason to go on when nobody else would. She would always be there for you throughout your childhood and even when you became an adult she remained your best friend."

My heart breaks as I infer why he's referring to her in the past tense.

"Sadly, one day a couple years ago, your mom had a heart attack and passed away. You barely had time to say goodbye. You were shattered."

I'm sobbing now and Quetzalcoatl pauses his story.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"N-no," I choke out, wiping tears. "Keep g-going."

"Very well. You knew your mother wanted you to be happy, and felt like it was your duty to live on, but it hurt. It hurt so much. Every day you fell further and further into darkness. By this point you were 34 years old and felt like your life was a waste. It seemed to you that all your mother's love ultimately amounted to nothing. You became an alcoholic and a social recluse. Finally, one day the part of you that wanted to die became stronger than the part that wanted to live. You contemplated suicide, then fantasized about it, until one day you planned to make it happen. You decided what day will be your last.

"The night before that final day, the part of your mind that wanted to live made one final attempt to change fate. In your sleep, it created a world of happiness, one that would hopefully encourage you to seek joy once more. In the process it made the part of you that wanted to die very angry. You know the rest."

I sit down on the grass and Quetzalcoatl sits down by my side. He puts an arm around me.

"How are you feeling, Eros?"

"I'm not really sure I have the words to tell you."

"Can you try anyway?"

There's a long pause before I attempt to speak my mind.

"Back when everything first started, I thought that this was some divine, mystical event that could possibly destroy the world. One that only I could fight against. As much as it scared me, it made me feel important. But now that I know this is all a dream, I feel...cheated."

"Why? What does that matter? It doesn't change what you have to do now."

I look at this being so similar and yet so vastly different from me.

"It matters because it's not real. It's just a story."

He pats my shoulder, trying to comfort me.

"Why do you think people tell stories, Eros?"

Now I'm confused. Why is he asking me this?

"I don't know, entertainment?"

"That makes sense for happy stories, ones that make people feel good. But not all stories are like that. Some are dark, sad, hard to sit through at times. Even so, they're sometimes cherished and passed down through generations. Why do you think those stories are told?"

I have to think about that for a bit.

"I suppose those stories are told to...communicate truths. Teach people about other people, or even themselves."

"I agree with you. So with that in mind, what truths does this story tell you?"

I laugh bitterly.

"It tells me that I'm fucking pathetic."

"You're thinking like the Darkness. Try to go back to the Eros you were, that kind, confident, grateful person. He's still you, just a version of you with less baggage. What would that Eros take from all this?"

It's not easy, but I try to put my pain aside and do what he asks.

"If that Eros knew this was all a story I told myself in an attempt to save my own life, I suppose he would take from it that at least a part of me wants to be happy. It wants to love and help others. And it doesn't want to die."

"I can see that. This story shows you that deep down, you want happiness. You want to help others. You don't want to die. Those all sound like powerful truths."

I look at Quetzalcoatl again.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"It is true that my power is limited to this world only. When you wake up, I'll cease to exist and what happens next will be your choice. But I have been a part of this story for so long I've become invested. Nobody has also had a lot to think about during this time.

"There are so many things I could tell you, but only one seems important enough to say out loud: as Eros, who is just as much you as Nobody or the Darkness, you displayed so much compassion. You selflessly devoted yourself to your community and your friends. You lived with purpose. You lived with love."

I can feel a few more tears fall.

"Given how all that is true, let me ask you this: can you extend that same love and compassion to yourself?"

I don't answer, and I can tell he doesn't expect me to.

Quetzalcoatl gets to his feet, helping me do the same.

"We don't have much time left. You're waking up. If you wish, I can use my powers one last time. Do you want something?"

Immediately, I know what to ask for.

"Can I say goodbye to Foxie?" There are a lot of things in this realm I'll miss, but I know I'll miss him most of all.

"As you wish."

The dragon vanishes, now replaced by my love. He looks around confusedly.

"Daddy? What's going on?"

"Come here, babe." I hold out my arms and he runs up into a hug. I pet his soft skin, hoping I can memorize the way it feels.