Rag Doll Ch. 08.2.2 - Connections

I shook as his bald statement shocked through me; if Jamie had not been holding me I might have slid to the floor as my knees shook and nearly gave way: she'd taken her own life, dear God!

Bobby was relentless, his voice filled with self-loathing.

"She was dead, he said she'd killed herself, and do you know what I did? Can you guess what I did? Nothing: I did nothing, felt nothing, all I wanted was for them to take her away, and wonder why she had to do that in my home: surely there were other places, public toilets, someplace else, anywhere else but here. That was all I could think: that and walk around fucking annoyed, can you believe it? I was annoyed she'd done that here, what a fucking inconvenience! That's who I was, that's what I wanted, and that's why I'm going to Hell!"

He stopped, staring into the distance, his face lined and haggard, a look of self-loathing on his face like I hope to never see again.

Shari took his hand, unlaced his fingers, and slipped her hand into his.

"The rest, baby, finish it, please. " She murmured.

"A few weeks later they arrested Dad, but not over her death; that went away, one of his pals saw to that. Dad was arrested and sent for extradition hearings, of all things. The American government wanted him, they were charging him with "Crimes against America," can you believe it?"

I was horrified, but fascinated, Jamie too; that set, "Angry Jamie" face was still there, but there was curiosity too: what had that man done? Bobby picked up on that, and his face twisted, again that look of self-loathing, but laced with contempt too. His voice was low, anger and deep, deep shame apparent in every word.

"Dad and his... friend in the US were selling stuff to a Middle-Eastern country, things the Americans really didn't want them having: special batteries and microchips, the kind they use in cruise missiles, a huge no-no, so they took him to court under something called the PATRIOT Act. It went back and forth for a couple of years, and it was thrown out, then the Appeal Court kicked in, decided he was guilty as charged, and Dad was extradited. It was eight, nearly nine years ago now, they mostly kept it out of the news, the British Government didn't want people knowing they'd let this stuff go on, I suppose, who knows, but the American news channels got hold of it; you might even have caught some of it. Dad was dragged off to America by the scruff of his neck, tried, and jailed. He's doing 40 years for it in a federal super-max prison in Indiana now..."

"And Barbara?" prompted Jamie, "what about her, what happened?"

Bobby looked up and blinked, obviously still in his memories, and glanced at Rick, who patted his knee and took up the story.

"Dad had her buried in Stanwix, we had to bury her in the municipal cemetery because she was a suicide and her church, the Catholic Church wouldn't bury her in consecrated ground; can you believe it in this day and age? Bobby and me, we acted like a pair of disrespectful little shits at her funeral, and dad put up a huge memorial pasted with lies about his 'beloved wife, sorely missed blah-blah-blah'; lies on top of lies, and yet more lies."

He rubbed his temples, obviously not relishing this story, but determined to get it out.

"We never went back until Yaz and Shari came into our lives, and they made us see what we'd done, who we were. We went back to the cemetery to apologise to Barbara and ask her forgiveness and that disgusting monument to my father's ego and lies and delusions was gone; Nicky had come home without us even knowing it, he was only half a mile away and he never came here, never contacted us, never let us know he was back, he'd had that monstrosity taken down and crushed; he put that decent, honest memorial stone there in its place, not her children, not us, but we should have..."

He shook his head, regret and loathing on his face.

"After they carted dad away Bobby and me, we just lived here. The Crime Agency reckoned most everything in the house had been bought with what they called "the proceeds of criminal enterprise," so they took it all away to be sold to compensate the Crown Prosecution Service for their expenses in investigating him and bringing him to trial. We lived pretty much hand to mouth. Bobby got a job with the Borough Council, driving a grass cutter and cleaning the streets, but me, nothing; nobody wanted to hire a mouthy teenager with no job skills in an employment black-spot like Cumbria. So we lived alone in this big, empty house, no real food, no money, and no prospects."

He stopped to smile as Yaz stroked his cheek, kissing her hand before continuing.

"As I said, I couldn't find work, and I really had nothing to do all day, I was here alone while Bobby worked his arse off for minimum wage, but to my mind now, it was kind of what we deserved; given the way we'd been, the way life turned out seems like the beginning of the punishment we were due. Of course, back then, that's not what I thought. Oh no, I was convinced we'd been unfairly persecuted, it was all Nicky's fault, we'd done nothing wrong, one day we'd find him and fix him, blah, blah, de-blah, the usual. "

"I started going through all the paperwork the CPS had returned, mounds of the stuff, all the garbage my arse-wipe father collected over the years. It was the trivia only an obsessive psycho would keep, because most of it was garbage, till receipts for groceries, bloody nonsense, but piles and piles of it, collected over years. I started going through it all, looking for who knows what, mostly to keep myself occupied, and in the back of my mind I think I was looking for a clue as to who or where my mother was."

For some reason he locked eyes with Yasmin, who gazed levelly at him, then slowly nodded, like she was giving him permission for something. Strangely, so did Shari. Bobby was still in his own private reverie, his face still and his eyes distant and unseeing, only the restless twining of his fingers in Shari's giving a clue to his actual state.

Rick shook his shoulders like a man adjusting a heavy load, and carried on speaking.

"There are probably three tons of papers up in the attics, dozens of crates, filled with rubbish, mostly, but I kept looking through them, looking for something, anything that made sense. I'd been wondering where my mother was; if Nicky's mother was here, and mine wasn't, where could she be, who was she, why wasn't she here, that kind of thing, so I went through all those papers, and I found something."

Yasmin took his hands in hers and nodded.

"The rest, baby, it's okay, tell them... " she murmured. Rick nodded.

"I kept coming across references to an Ayesha Shahida, and a part of a letter from the health authority in Tower Hamlets talking about post-natal care, dated around the time Bobby was born. I assumed dad had that because this Ayesha person was Bobby and my mother, so I went down to London to find her and ask her."

"Did you find her?" asked Jamie, and Rick nodded.

"Oh yes, she and her two daughters."

The penny dropped and I realised he was talking about Yasmin and Shereen.

"My father had somehow found out about Ayesha Shahida years before, she was a successful property developer in East London, and he wanted her money, her business, her, and so he took everything, he took everything she owned, he destroyed her family, and he brutalised her for years..."

I'm sure Jamie's shocked expression was echoed on my face at that terrible story, but Rick wasn't finished.

"When I showed up at her home Ayesha was ready to kill me, she hated me, my family, everything about us, but she held it in. Instead, she told me the truth, the first time anyone had ever told me who and what I really was, what my father had done, what he'd left behind, and who he really was.

"Ayesha accepted that I knew nothing of all this, that I was as shocked and sickened as she was, and she told me the truth about Nicky; she sat me down and she told me what my father, his father, had done to him, what he'd boasted to her about the things he'd done to Nicky."

"She made me see how wrong I'd been, she told me the truth about Barbara, who she was and what he'd done to her."

He was sweating now; the strain of telling us all this, of unburdening himself of this dreadful story was telling on him; obviously this was not a story he wanted to tell, but he was just as obviously compelled to tell us the whole horrifying truth.

"Ayesha felt sorry for me; she saw how this had affected me, and she apologised, can you believe it? She actually asked my forgiveness for showing me her anger and rage, when so much wrong had been done to her..."

He shook his head wonderingly. Yasmin leaned up and kissed his cheek, smiling at him as she nodded for him to continue.

"Ayesha asked me to live with her and her two daughters; she was concerned for me, she was worried I'd be hurt; isn't that something? After everything Dad had done to her she was worried for me. She asked me to stay, to be a part of her family, to live there with her... and my two sisters."

He stared defiantly at us, daring us to say something, to blow up, be disgusted, yell, shout, say anything. Jamie and I just stared back wide-eyed and gobsmacked; we never saw that one coming.

"That's right; Shereen and Yasmin are also the daughters of Robert Davies, or Brian Davis, if you prefer: my bastard father is their father too."

Yasmin looked at Jamie and I, obviously gauging our reaction, then smiled.

"Jamie... Nia, I asked Rick to share who and what we are with you because, well, I think you'll understand. I'm right aren't I?"

Jamie glanced at me, saw my agreement, and slowly nodded.

"Yes, you're right. It was the eyes, wasn't it?"

Yasmin's smile literally lit up the whole room.

"As soon as we saw you at Stanwix we knew. Nothing's going to disguise those eyes. Both of you with eyes the exact same shade? There was no other explanation. Shari said it just a little while ago: no more secrets. Too much has happened with this family; too much wrong has been done to us, to Ricky, Bobby and especially Nicky, the... things he did to Nicky, frightening, disfiguring injuries, a lifetime of pain..."

She squeezed Ricky's hand tightly.

"Shari and me, we were put through Hell by that man, he destroyed mummy, he hurt her so many times, he took so much from her, her life's work, her money, her family, her self-respect, even her right to say no, and when he left, he left her with nothing."

She paused to wipe the tear trickling down her cheek.

"He's in prison in America now; he's going to die there and it's still not enough, not for what he did. We finally have justice, but we'll never have payback, there isn't enough payback in the world for what he did. Ricky found us just when I needed him most, when mummy needed him. She loved him like he was her own, and he loves us just the same way; Ricky would kill or be killed for us, and that's why I'm with him, because he's not his father's son."

She smiled wanly, her eyes huge and lambent in her pale, drawn face.

"He and Bobby, and Nicky are my big brothers, and they're all the best things this family should be. That's why we love them so much."

My eyes were brimming at all these revelations, at Yasmin's obvious love for Rick; even Jamie's tense grip on my hand had relaxed, and his eyes had softened, the anger and shock drained away.

"What... what happened to your mother, Yasmin?" he murmured, but she looked way, she'd obviously said all she was going to say, so Shari answered.

"Mummy died, five, almost six years ago, now; a massive cerebral haemorrhage was the official coroner's verdict, but even he was shocked at how many injuries mummy had sustained over the years. Robert... Robert would show up, get drunk, drag her into bed, and in the morning she'd be bruised, black eyes, split lips, everything. So many times... "

She paused as Bobby gathered her in; even I could see how this story was affecting her, but she continued anyway.

"After Robert was taken away she started her business all over again. Yaz and I worked with her, and then Ricky showed up. Mummy couldn't believe how someone who looked so much like that man could be so unlike him. Ricky was so... ashamed of what his father had done, but so hard to dislike just because of whom he was. Mummy was just completely taken with him; she loved him like he was one of us, like he'd always been part of our family, and all he wanted was to try and somehow atone for what that bastard had done to us. He didn't have to, but just wanting that, and meaning it, was part of why mummy loved him so much."

She sighed, and Bobby squeezed her hand, lacing his fingers in her.

"Mummy collapsed and died at home. Rick and Yaz found her. I said some things, harsh, cruel, vicious things to poor Ricky just to slash and burn him, to make him take the blame for what his father had caused, but when push came to shove I couldn't let him go; we needed him, we needed our brother to love us and be our strength, and that was what Ricky gave us. It was the worst time of our lives, and he brought us through it. That's why Yaz loves him so much. We came home to Carlisle with Ricky because there was nothing left for us in London, and that's when I met Bobby and, like Yaz, I knew that he was what I needed. We've been together ever since. "

She sighed and hugged Bobby's arm.

"It's been difficult these last few years trying to put all this in perspective, and then put it behind us. There were just too many loose ends and unanswered questions. One of the biggest problems has been where and how Barbara fits in all this. Even though she died nearly ten years ago, she's always been a major presence in this family."

"She gave Bobby her charm bracelet just over five years ago, and for five years he's been beating himself up over why she would do that, if she's forgiven him, if the bracelet is a remembrance or a rebuke, stuff that Bobby can't let go of. You showing up has finally begun to help us answer some of those questions, especially now we know we had the clues to her family literally in our hands the whole time."

Something she'd said caught my attention, because it made no sense at all.

"Shereen, could you just back up a second please?" I asked, "I don't understand something: you said Barbara died ten years ago, right? Then you said she gave Bobby her bracelet five years ago: they both can't be true? How could she give Bobby her bracelet five years ago if she'd passed away ten years ago? I'm sorry, it just doesn't add up..."

Shari patted her and Bobby's entwined hands.

"You're up, sweetie." she murmured. Bobby sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, startling me; Jamie has that exact same habit when he's perturbed, he even has the same expression.

"I don't know where to begin; this is going to sound so... I don't know, nutty, but it's all true, I swear on my mother's grave that this happened, and it's all to do with that bracelet. I know it's going to sound crazy, but here goes. About five years ago, it was the middle of summer, Nick and his family were all here from Albany, including Nicky's little sister Rachel, and Nicky's mum and stepdad. "

"The kids were all mostly toddlers and babies, except for little Barbara, and Ayesha and Ricky's little boy, David, who'd gone from crawling straight to running around like little speed demons. I'd been watching them and running around after them, keeping them snacked and occupied while the girls, Mum and Dad got everything together for a barbecue. I finally got them damped down so I was taking five, trying to grab a snooze, and Rachel, Ricky's little sister, who was about five at the time, was sitting on me watching TV. I barely registered when she slid off and disappeared, I could just vaguely hear her laughing and talking in the dining room. I'd dozed off and suddenly she was clambering all over me and shaking me awake and telling me she had something to give me."

His whole expression changed, wonder, wistfulness, loss, and...something else, something I couldn't work out.

"When I saw what she had I jerked awake. It was Barbara's charm bracelet... "

He held the bracelet up so we could all see it, a strange, almost haunted expression on his face, in his eyes.

"Rachel insisted on waking me up, she wanted to show it to me. I asked her where she got it, and what she told me I've never forgotten; I don't think I could even if I wanted to. She told me "the nice lady gave it to me." I asked her "what nice lady?" and she pointed at that photo on the mantelpiece and said "Her! She told me to give it to you, and I had to tell you something, too; she said that she loved you, and Ricky, and Little Saint Nick, and all the babies, and me too! She was nice! Is she your mommy? She looks like you. Who's Little Saint Nick?"

That expression was back again, that puzzled, preoccupied look Jamie also gets on occasion, as he studied his hands, the floor, anywhere but look directly at us as he continued.

"I don't know where all that came from, I don't even want to think about it, but I keep coming back to the fact I hadn't seen Barbara's bracelet in years. I know it wasn't with her things, they're all still packed and boxed-up in the attic, I knew what was in those boxes, I went through them and packed them myself, but most of all, how did Rachel, six-year old Rachel from America, know that Barbara's private name for Nicky, the thing he kept locked away inside and never talked about, was "Little Saint Nick"?"

I was enthralled by the story; I could see he wasn't just spinning a yarn, whatever had really happened, be believed what he was telling us, and the memory was obviously still sharp and fresh.

"There's more," he sighed, "just a couple of sidebars, but kind of the same thing. The first time Nicky came back to England to visit Barbara's grave, he and Ashley and their baby were driving back down to Birmingham, and Ashley switched on the car radio, to Nicky's favourite FM station. The first thing they heard was a request from "Barbara for Nick, for the Beach Boys' "Little Saint Nick"."

"If that wasn't eerie enough, when the four of us decided to go find Nicky, to somehow try to put our family back together, we went to Albany, as the one clue we had was that Nicky may have been there. Ricky and I were coming out of a doughnut shop and we saw this lone guy being attacked by a bunch of guys; I distinctly heard Ricky shout "Help Him!" so I jumped in. The weird thing is, Ricky heard ME shout "Help Him!" so he jumped in too. The guy we helped turned out to be Nicky's brother-in-law, Leon. Someone made us help the one person in Albany who could lead us to Nicky. I don't know about you, but in my book that's no coincidence. "

That drawn, weary look was back.

"Ashley says it was no coincidence; the way she sees it, so much had happened to Nicky, to Rick and me, so much wrong had been done to us, and by us, it was inevitable we'd meet; it was the time and place for it to happen. I know that sounds like mystical claptrap, but given all that had gone before, it does seem we were led by the nose to each other; she said it was fated, and fate always wins."

The whole story was so fantastical that I was having trouble believing it, but my two cousins and their sister-wives seemed to believe it implicitly, and then there was the bracelet, but the clincher was the little girl knowing something she couldn't possibly have known or guessed. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck prickling. Bobby gently bounced the bracelet in his cupped palm, not really seeing it, but I could tell he had more to say.

"I've been wondering for years now, going over and over this and trying to make sense of what happened, and nothing. I thought perhaps she passed the message on to me through Rachel only because she was a true innocent in this whole thing, that she held no anger or blame for her. Sometimes I'd think the bracelet was my mother reminding me that I'd stood by and done nothing and she'd died because of it, that it was a rebuke and an accusation, her telling me she'd loved me and yet I'd still done nothing to save her. Other times I've thought she gave it to me because she had nothing for me except a piece of worthless metal because after all my denial and abandonment of her, that was all she had for me."