Rag Doll Ch. 08.2.2 - Connections

He rubbed his temples with trembling hands, a look of bone-deep weariness on his face, aging him far beyond his years.

"It's been eating me up inside, the not knowing and the constant self-blame. At least now I have some kind of inkling. She gave me the clues to find out who I am, she wasn't rebuking me, she was reminding me that I still had family, there were other people I was a part of, and now, here you are. I've always had a part of you and your family in my hands: that was what she was telling me, what I did with it was up to me."

He sighed, staring unseeingly at the bracelet.

"This family has been broken for so long I don't think it's even possible we can ever fix what my psychopath father did, I mean look at us; we're so screwed up I don't know how to get past this or where to go next..."

Shari pulled him close, holding his head against her as she nuzzled him.

"But you tried Bobby; when you finally knew the truth you tried to make it better, and that's what's important: you tried and you mostly succeeded. Nicky says this house was like a prison for her, but you changed all that, you and Rick. You made this place what she'd always wanted, you went to see her and made your peace with her, and she gave you her bracelet because she wanted you to remember her and find your family; look closely at that picture, look at how happy she was; that's how she wants you to remember her, and how happy that bracelet made her."

She took the bracelet and carefully put it back in the little velvet case before putting it on the coffee table.

"Baby, you said once that you didn't know how to earn absolution, or if you could ever deserve it; now you know the answer. When she gave you her bracelet she absolved you of any guilt, baby, isn't it obvious yet? She forgave everything when she gave you something so precious to her to help you find your family and put this right once and for all. She was telling you it was time to find your family, to heal and be complete. That's what she entrusted to you. She loved you baby, even if you never knew it, and she would never wish any hurt or harm on you. It's over, baby, all that's gone before is done and past, let it go and live now."

Shari cupped his face with both hands and looked him in the eye.

"Your family is coming back together again, baby, just as she wished, as she knew it would when she gave you her bracelet and set all this in motion. Ashley was more right than she knew: this was fated, and fate always wins the toss."

Rick sighed, turning all eyes on him.

"So what do we do now, guys? I don't know if you're ready yet, Bobby, but I think I am: I want to meet the rest of my family. We've been alone too long, but we can put an end to that now. I want to meet my uncle and aunt, the rest of my family, I want to know about Barbara's family first hand, and this Sherry, she's part of this too, I want to meet her too. This is our family, they're part of us, and we're part of them; let's do this, it's time."

Bobby locked eyes with Shereen and must have seen something there, because he nodded slowly.

"You're right. We need to do this, but not just us. Nicky needs to be part of this too; we let Barbara go without a thought, but he loved her unconditionally, and she loved him; her loss almost destroyed him. He put that bastard away for good, but he needs closure too."

He saw my puzzled look at his statement about putting their father away.

"Barbara sent Nicky a letter, she mailed it the morning that bastard... what he did to her. She told him in the letter what he'd done to Julia, his real mother, what he'd done to Ashley, what he and his partner were up to. Nicky gave the letter to the FBI, and they investigated Dad, found out what he'd been doing, and with whom. They extradited him, tried him, and put him away. Nicky always knew what dad had done to Barbara, but it was Shari's mother who had the real proof. We gave it to Nicky's step-dad, he went back to the FBI and they tried him again, this time for her murder, and they convicted the bastard; he's never getting out of jail. The bastard is going to die of old age in a prison cell buried away underground far from any and everyone, that's his reward, Nicky and his mum and dad made sure of that. We finally got justice, real justice for Barbara, for Ayesha, for Ashley."

He put his arm around Shari, drawing her closer.

"Because we'd proved that Barbara hadn't committed suicide, the church relented and consecrated her grave, and we had a Requiem Mass for her; Nicky came from America, and his family, so we could be her family together and let her rest in peace at last. It was something we needed to do, Nicky most of all. Nicky's mum, Julia, she's let us adopt her, all of us. She said that we'd given Nicky our mother, so he wouldn't mind sharing her with us, and she was right. Now we have a mum for real, she lives in America, in Albany, but she's still our mum, still part of this family, and we're part of hers. Her husband David, Nicky's stepdad, is my dad now, and their kids are our family too, my sisters in the best possible way."

One other thing I didn't understand was this "Ashley" thing; Bobby had said they'd gotten justice for her; I didn't understand what he meant and so I asked him. A look of sick anger flickered across his face.

"My psycho father blackmailed his crony in America to... to assault Julia, to punish her for leaving him. He attacked Ashley instead because she walked in at the wrong time..."

"What did he do to her?" I whispered, but Bobby shook his head.

"I'm sorry, it's... she needs to tell you, I'm sorry. When we come down to see your father, we'll bring Nicky and Ashley with us. They should be there, they're a big part of this too, maybe she'll tell you then, I can't, it's too... I can't, I'm sorry... "

Jamie and I shared a glance, wondering what Robert had done to the girl Ashley; Bobby was sickened and angered by it, though, even I could see that.

He shook himself like a man doused in cold water, a whole body shudder.

"Nicky and his stepdad, they made sure that bastard never got away with anything. When my father killed Barbara he destroyed Nicky's world, he took from him the one thing he loved more than life itself. You have to understand, Nicky was Barbara's real family, he was her son in a way I never was, and while he may not be her blood family like you and me, he's her real son in every way that counts. He's earned the right to stand up as her son and be part of her family."

Jamie stood, as did Bobby, and they clasped hands.

"Come and see dad, all of you, and make it soon, please; this family has been broken apart too long, it's time we all came together. Dad and Mum will welcome you, all of you. Make it soon, please?"

Shereen held Bobby's hand as she rose up on tiptoes and kissed Jamie on the cheek.

"We will, soon, I promise you."

*****

Bobby and Ricky: All The Dots Finally Connected

Ricky, the girls, and I finally made the push to come see our uncle, and it was an interesting and unique experience, if only because our family had so many by-ways and little turn-off's leading to new discoveries about who we were and the unique ways the family had grown and branched.

We'd waited until Nicky and Ashley could join us, if anyone deserved to be part of this reunion it was Nicky. Even though Barbara was no relation of his, he was uniquely and irrevocably bound up in this family story, he was more truly Barbara's son than I had ever been, and Uncle James wanted all of Barbara's children, not just her blood-kin, to be part of this reunion.

It was quite a tribe who descended upon our uncle's home; Uncle James had insisted everyone come and meet their family, and stay a few days. Both Shari and Yaz wanted the children to meet the rest of their families too, plus they were intrigued as to just how far and wide the family had spread, and how, so that was what we did.

We flew down to London from Lake District Airport, and Jamie and a good-looking blond guy named Mark met us at Southend airport in a pair of people carriers, more than adequate to hold six adults and six restless children, four of whom were still buzzing from their first ever flight. It was a fairly long drive from Southend to Streatham in South London, and the three girls and all the kids had dropped off long before we got there.

I rode shotgun with Jamie, while Rick and Nicky rode with Mark. They were obviously having a long conversation on the way to Streatham, whenever we caught up with them I could see all of them chatting animatedly. Jamie and I talked mostly about the kids, his and mine, and how his mother was going to go mental over them.

"Mum's an instinctive granny, you better be prepared, she'll have the photo albums out before you've sat down and all the kids will have a cupcake and a lollipop stuck in their mouths; she's a feeder, too, so practice saying "no", it's the only way to get out of there alive and sane."

*****

When we arrived once more at that beautiful Victorian house Ricky and I had visited before, Jamie and Mark ushered everyone up to the door, which was opened by Nia, and I was struck again at just how beautiful she was; Jamie was a lucky man. It was kind of a melee inside, people everywhere and my head was spinning as introductions were made all around. I grabbed a few names but I was pretty much overloading on information, but then I saw him and I knew him right away; it had to be my uncle James, he looked so much like Barbara. This man was my family for real, all I had left of my mother.

I tried to speak to him but my dry throat betrayed me, but then it didn't matter because he clasped my shoulders and stared at me, and then wordlessly crushed me in a hug. I was still tongue-tied when he grabbed Ricky and pulled him into the hug. He held both of us for what seemed like forever, but could only have been a few moments, but I felt the connection with him, I felt his anguish, and his joy, too. Our family had found itself, and it was an overwhelming feeling.

Our uncle held us at arm's length so he could look closely at us; his gaze flicked back and forth between us, obviously comparing us, looking for our mother in us. Jamie and Nia must have told him what we had spoken about in such awful detail, but I didn't see any judgement, any recrimination in his eyes; maybe he really did feel that what was past is past, that what we had done as children had no bearing on who we were now, but for whatever reason, there was nothing but welcome in his eyes, in his arms around me. My uncle was truly glad to see me, the welcome and the warmth rolling off him was almost tangible.

I was speechless, absolutely lost for words, and he saw and accepted that. His hand clapped on my shoulder told me everything I needed to know; later, when things had quieted down a little, when a little privacy was to be had, that would be the time to tell him what he needed to know, what had happened, and where we were; right then was neither the time nor the place.

It was with almost a physical effort, an abrupt changing of tracks, that Uncle James and his tiny, beautiful wife, my aunt Anh, turned to the others as they hugged and fussed over Shari and Yaz and all the kids, and I could see what Jamie was talking about; his mother really was the perfect grandmother, gentle and affectionate and lovable, and all the kids could feel it too, I could actually see them bonding with her.

She hugged and beamed at Ricky and me, smiling and telling us how much we looked like Barbara, how much we looked like Jamie, her admiration of Yaz and Shari; she even did that thing Mum Julia had done the first time she met the girls: she brushed their curls back off their faces so she could admire them properly.

Her reception of Nicky was entirely different, though, magical, almost mystical; somehow she knew what Barbara had meant to him, and what he'd meant to her. I watched something indefinable pass between them, a different sort of connection entirely as Anh reached up and touched his cheek, smiling at him even as their gazes locked.

"You are Barbara first son, you are part of this family too, this time is for you too," she murmured. "I know your poor mummy, I know her when she still girl, when bad man come and steal her heart. Your heart still broken for her, but now you are with her family, her family your family, now she can rest. She is at peace now, you bring her peace, listen to your heart and you will know I am right. I can see you love her very much, I know she love you and wish for heartbreak to end. Come, sit now with your family, unburden your heart and share her with us; we help you heal."

I watched in astonishment as Nicky's eyes welled-up, but Jamie's mother reached up and thumbed his eyes as casually as if she'd been doing it all his life, before patting his chest over his heart and taking his hand.

"Please to come sit with me; husband meeting brothers and family, he know what has happened, he showing them there is no bad feelings, what they do they do as children, cannot blame children all their life for doing childish things; they are children of sister, so they are part of him too. My Nguye't tell me what happen, uncle will want to speak with you alone, you have much to tell him, there is much he need to know, things that only you will know, you must share her with him, give both your heart peace."

With that she took his hand and led him to one of the large couches arranged around the room, and sat next to him, his hand between hers. I couldn't hear what they were saying, and then she hugged him close.

"She used to do that with me when I was young," Jamie said quietly in my ear, "Just keep watching, I don't know how she does it, but she'll make it better; just being with her makes it all seem better. Look, he's already falling for her."

I watched closely and yes, something really had changed with Nicky, something was there I'd never seen before; tension and the shreds of hurt that he'd carried around with him so long they'd become part of him were falling away and dissipating; somehow Anh had gotten through that last armour Nicky kept around his heart without even really trying; my aunt truly was a special lady.

I was fascinated watching my aunt break down the last of Nicky's pain and loss until Jamie nudged me into introductions to family and extended family.

First was a beautiful girl with a sculpted, glossy black quiff and the brightest blue eyes I'd ever seen; she was almost a dead-ringer for Nia, and when Nia introduced me to her as my cousin Cherie, my aunt Rosa's girl, she hugged me hard.

Cherie and Nia led me around the room, reeling off names, family and adopted family: there was Mark and his wife, a tiny, pretty little blonde girl, Julie, Nia's adopted brother and sister. Cherie's fiancé, Danny, a medical student down in Southampton was next, then a man called 'Darryl', Julie's cousin and yet another member of Nia's extended family, and his gorgeous chestnut-haired wife, Lena and their three kids.

Last, but not least a dazzlingly beautiful young brunette who was the spitting image of Lena, her niece Allie, another medical student. Chatting with Nia I gradually came to realise that Darryl was also a doctor, a heart surgeon no less, in Bristol, and while he was actually Julie's cousin, he and Lena considered themselves part of my family too.

Another little tidbit I picked up was that Allie was Darryl's baby sister, as well as Lena's niece, which puzzled me, then it struck me; of course, if Lena was Allie's aunt, and Allie was Darryl's sister, then Lena must be Darryl's aunt too, even if she was obviously younger than him; hot damn, they were the same as us!

Darryl grinned as he saw understanding dawning, and took my arm.

"Let me give you some background, Bobby, this family has some... unusual history, so let me explain... "

As we chatted, he filled me in on certain things, parts of my family's story that now fell into place; he told me about him and Lena, their childhood together, his reconciliation with his birth-mother, Lena's older half-sister, how he and his aunt, his father's sister, had been looking for his cousins, Mark and Julie, the children of his Aunt Sandra. When they eventually stumbled across the clues that led to them, it was because Nia and Jamie made it happen. They had made Darryl aware of what Julie and Mark's lives had been like, how they had been neglected and abused by their mother since early childhood, a mother who'd hidden them away from the rest of their family for no other reason than her alcoholism and increasing paranoia and, eventually, dementia.

Darryl told me how they had learned from Nia and Jamie that Julie and Mark were together, they were a couple, and they were happy at last. Nia's mother had adopted them both, Julie had always been part of her family, she was Nia's best friend since early childhood, but Mark was even more traumatised by what his mother had done to him. Anh and my Uncle James had welcomed Mark into their family and made him their son, and his and Julie's children were Anh's grandchildren as much as Nia and Jamie's.

"Julie is my blood family, but Dada Morrison, your Uncle James and Mummy-Anh made us part of their family too; I have a home in Bristol, my own mother lives there, but when we're here, we have a mother and father here too. This is how this family works, it's not about who you are or who you're allowed to be with, it's about who you love. I know people will think what we do is wrong, and they're entitled to their opinions, but all of us, Mark and Julie, Nia and Jamie, Lena and me, we know this is right for us; this is our family, warts and all, it's our place of safety, our support system, and it's the place where no judgement exists. We're all happy with the choices we made, and that's all that matters."

Lena chose that moment to make her presence known. She put her hand on mine and squeezed gently.

"This is a good family to be a part of, Bobby. Shereen and Yasmin have been telling me how you guys met, what happened, and what you mean to each other, and it's no different than Darryl and me, or Jamie and Nia, even Sherry and Danny."

She smiled and took my hands in hers,

"Whatever we are, we're together because that's what we want, it works for us, each of us with the one we need to be with; no-one judges or sets standards for what is supposed to be or should be, we just accept. Welcome to your family, Bobby, you, and Rick, and Yasmin and Shereen are an important part of this family; I hope you'll remember that."

*****

I have to be honest; at this point I was getting dizzy with all this info-dump, all these people and names, all related to me by blood or by choice, and the din of fourteen or fifteen adults all talking and laughing at once plus at least a dozen excited kids made me wish for ear-defenders and a quiet corner to hide in.

Ashley finally rescued me, towing me into a neutral corner away from the hubbub and found us a couple of stools to sit on and catch our breath. She grinned and pointed with her chin at Yaz laughing and taking Selfies with Uncle James, with his other arm around Ricky, looking more like father and son than uncle and nephew, and Ashley, Julie, and Nia's kids playing tag with Ricky's boys in and out of the forest of adult legs surrounding them.

I even spotted Lena's handsome little boy and my Ayesha playing a complicated little game involving Lego bricks and a lot of giggling in the far corner of the room, oblivious to the hubbub going on around them.

Shari seemed to have disappeared, but then I glimpsed her through the door in the other room with Nia and Julie, all three of them passing several cute little toddlers around , mine included, and talking, swapping little ones from hip to hip, and wiping noses and cooing and chucking little chins.