Randy's Husband and Other Problems

She puffed the cigarette and smoke flowed out as she spoke.

"My lawyer said the more I have the easier it'll be to get a good settlement. I don't want half. I want it all, everything the fucking bastard has and everything he's going to have for a long time."

"I'll have to charge you for my time."

Randy stubbed out her cigarette in my ashtray.

"I don't give a fuck. Just catch him with her."

With that, she stood up and left my office, and I was treated to the same up and down motion of her ass cheeks. It's a fucking crime that every woman I meet with an ass like Randy's is a married client. Just once, you'd think I'd get a single one who's horny.

It wasn't going to be easy to get pictures of Bill and Marjorie. I doubted he'd take Marjorie to the lake because her house was the ideal place to have his fun. It was private and since she lived alone, they wouldn't risk being interrupted by anyone. I did have an idea though, and it didn't require pictures. It only required Marjorie's cooperation.

I followed Bill from his office on Monday and he drove to Marjorie's house. This time, I parked down the block a ways and waited. Two hours later, he came out the door. He was dressed the same as when he went in, but when Marjorie stepped into her doorway and waved good-bye all she had on was a light robe. There wasn't much doubt he'd been dipping his wick in her. As part of my plan, I snapped a couple of pictures of both Bill and Marjorie.

The next morning, I printed some of my pictures of Bill and his secretary at the lake along with the pictures of Bill coming out of Marjorie's house and her standing in the doorway in her robe. Then I typed a short letter.

Ms. Downs,

I'm a private investigator working on a case involving a Mr. Bill Lake. As you seem to be involved with him, I need to speak with you when you have the time. I don't want to embarrass you by going to your house, so please call me at the number on my enclosed business card.

After stuffing the pictures, letter, and a business card into a manila envelop, I made a trip to the post office and sent the envelope to Marjorie via certified mail. I used certified mail because most people will just toss an envelope from someone or some company they don't know, but they'll always open certified mail. With certified mail, I'd also have proof it was delivered because she'd have to sign for it. That would eliminate the old "I don't remember ever getting anything like that" defense.

What I was betting on was that most women don't like hearing the man who's fucking them is also fucking somebody else. At best, she'd be like Randy, pissed and wanting to hang Bill by his balls. At worst, I could probably make her believe it would be better for her to volunteer her testimony instead of being dragged into the divorce hearing. Either way, Randy's lawyer would have proof Bill was fucking Marjorie because she'd have to admit it.

My envelope was delivered to Marjorie the next day, and that afternoon I got a phone call.

"Is this the private investigator who sent me the pictures?"

"Yes, that's me."

"What's all this about? If this is to try to get money from me, you're wasting your time. I don't have any."

"No, it's just a divorce investigation. His wife thought he was messing around and asked me to find out. Turns out he is."

Her voice went up several pitches.

"His wife? Bill told me he was divorced."

"No, he's very married, at least for the time being. I'm sure his wife will divorce him after seeing the pictures I took of him and his secretary. Uh...she thinks something is going on between you and Bill as well. The pictures I took outside your house yesterday make me think that's true. You'll probably have to testify at the divorce hearing as to if you and he are uh...intimate."

I heard sniffing.

"He...he said we could get married as soon as he put his son through college."

It's hard to be sympathetic with people so stupid they believe what anyone tells them. I did try, but I doubt I did a very good job.

"I heard him basically make the same promise to the woman in the pictures, so don't feel bad. He and his wife don't have any kids, by the way."

"So he's just saying that so I'll have sex with him?"

"That's what it looks like to me. I've seen it before."

"I'm going to call him and tell him I never want to see him again. That'll teach him."

It was time to put the rest of my plan into action.

"I don't think you should do that. From what I've learned about him, that wouldn't bother him a bit. He's the kind of guy who'll just find another woman and feed her the same line. Just make some excuse about not feeling well or needing to go somewhere or something until the hearing so you don't have to meet with him. When you testify, you'll be teaching him a lesson he won't forget."

"What will they make me say?"

"Well, Mrs. Lake's attorney will just ask if you were having sex with Bill and what he told you to get you to do that. His attorney will try to make you say it was all your doing and you seduced Bill. Given that Bill's doing the same thing to another woman, I imagine the judge will believe you instead of Bill's lawyer. Would you be willing to testify? You should know that Mrs. Lake's attorney will summon you to the hearing anyway, so you might as well agree. At least that way you can keep some of your pride."

"Well, I don't have much pride left after this. Who do I have to tell I'll testify?"

"I'll find out who Mrs. Lake's attorney is and then give you a call. He'll want to talk with you before the hearing so you'll know what's going to happen."

That afternoon, I gave Marjorie the name and phone number of Randy's attorney. I knew the guy from a couple of past cases. He'd go easy on Marjorie since she volunteered her testimony and it was to his benefit, but he'd be ruthless with Bill. He'd also be ruthless in negotiating the terms of the settlement. Since he'd pocket a significant percentage of whatever that happened to be, he had a lot of incentive to push Bill hard.

It was a couple months after that I'd just gotten back home after serving a summons to a woman who must have weighed at least three hundred even though she was only about five feet tall. As sometimes happens, she was pissed at getting the summons and since I was the closest thing around, she was pissed at me too.

I don't know what she had in her shopping bag, but I'm pretty sure there was a canned ham in there somewhere. I saw stars when that shopping bag hit me in the head, but they sorta disappeared when she kicked me in the balls before calling me an asshole and then stomping off. I was sitting in my office chair sipping a scotch and waiting for the last of the ache to stop when Randy walked into my office.

She sat down, searched through her purse for a cigarette and lighter, then lit the cigarette and let the smoke flow out through her smile.

"I'm now divorced and I'm pretty well off, thanks to you. One thing though - Marjorie. You really sent her pictures of Bill and his secretary fucking?"

"Yeah. It worked too."

"Oh hell yes it worked. My lawyer had her write a statement about everything she and Bill had been doing and what he'd told her and then sign it. When he showed the statement and your pictures to Bill's lawyer, he asked what I wanted as a settlement. It wasn't, "I'll see you in court" or "we'll let the judge decide" or anything like that. It was just what did I want.

My lawyer said I wanted everything including the real estate business. Bill balked at that, so my lawyer said he'd just put Marjorie and Sue - that's the secretary's name I found out - he'd put them on the witness stand and have them tell everything. He also said he'd make sure the story got in the newspaper, and if Bill could even sell a doghouse after that it would be a miracle.

"Bill's lawyer asked if they could be alone then, so we went out to the lobby. About half an hour later, his lawyer motioned us back into his office. Bill had agreed to let me have the business and everything else if I let him keep his car, a checking account I didn't know he had, and the lake property. I didn't need another car and I didn't like his anyway, and as for the lake property, I couldn't go there again knowing what he'd been doing there. I guess it was just to get rid of him I let him keep the checking account. It was only about forty thousand anyway.

"The bastard had the balls to ask me if he could keep working there. When I laughed at him, he told me if he left, he'd take all his contacts with him, but I didn't care. The other agents did most of the selling anyway. Bill didn't have time because he was fucking around. I fired him and Sue the day the divorce was final.

"That was two weeks ago. I think he tried to move in with Sue and she might have let him if it hadn't been for Marjorie. After she heard about that, she was as mad at Bill as I was. The last I heard he was living in a cheap apartment and looking for a job. I hope the fucking bastard starves to death."

Randy flicked the ash off her cigarette, took a drag, and then blew smoke at the ceiling.

"You know, you could have been a little nicer to Marjorie though. Only a real asshole would tell a woman the man she loves is fucking another woman. That poor girl feels like she's not worth anything now."

I grinned.

"Thanks for noticing. It helps to be an asshole to get the job done."

"As weird as it sounds, I feel sorry for her because that's how I used to feel. She's just a nice woman who Bill talked into fucking him."

"You like Marjorie?"

"Yeah. We have coffee about three times a week now."

"Well, I'm glad everything worked out for you."

Randy frowned then.

"Well, everything didn't work out exactly like I wanted."

"Oh, what didn't."

"While Bill was fucking Sue and Marjorie, he wasn't fucking me, and as much as I hate him, I miss that. He had a really nice dick. I've been thinking about how to find a guy. I don't mean get married again or even live with a guy. I'll never trust another man, not after Bill."

Randy grinned, stubbed out her cigarette and then pulled her T-shirt over her head. I couldn't tell if her big tits were saggy or not, but her bra sure had them standing proud.

"I just need a man I know won't try to hide who he really is...like you. You're an asshole, but you admit it. I think you're even proud of it. Well, I'm a bitch, I know it and I'm proud of that too, so how about it?"

She slipped her bra straps off her shoulders and then turned the band around and unhooked the four hooks. She was right about her tits. They were big enough they did sag a little. She scratched under the right one.

"Goddamned bras never fit right no matter how much I pay for 'em. My right boob is bigger so it gets squished and the left one doesn't get supported enough."

One of my younger fellow PI's would probably have said something to the effect that fucking Randy wouldn't be professional, but then, they probably don't go for months without getting laid, and they probably never met a woman like Randy.

I still hadn't said anything when Randy stood up, kicked off her high heels, unzipped her jeans and then rocked her hips to get them off her ass. When they were on the floor, she looked at me and grinned.

"Well, are you gonna sit there with that dumb shit look on your face or are you gonna fuck me like I want."

For you young guys who might be reading this, don't ever let anybody tell you an older woman isn't as good in the sack as a young woman. Yeah, Randy's big tits did sag a little and her ass wasn't tight at all, but damn, did she ever know how to use both.

My ex used to just lay there. Randy...well, she couldn't wait long enough to get back into my bedroom. She straddled me in my office chair while she unbuttoned my shirt and then hopped up on my desk, put her feet on the arms of my chair, and spread her legs.

"You take my panties off. Rip 'em off if you want. I like a man to take charge like that."

I didn't rip them off because I'm not really into that sort of thing, but I did roll them down her ass and then off her feet. When I looked back up, she was stroking her red bush. She spread her fingers then, and I was looking a pair of slender and very wet inner lips.

"I'm so fucking horny I'm already wet. Want a taste?"

That was different than my ex too. She always came that way, but she thought it was dirty.

"You really like that do you?"

"Oh yeah. I like cumming that way. You do that to me, it'll make me hotter and I'll have to feel your dick in me so I can cum again."

Well, like I said before, it had been a long time, but as soon as my nose touched those red curls and my tongue sipped between Randy's long slender lips, it all came back to me. She tasted a little tart and a lot hot, aroused woman, and she moaned every time my tongue slipped up and over her clit. That little button didn't seem very big at first, but by the time she started humping my face, it was sticking out enough I could suck on it.

When I did that, Randy gasped.

"Oh shit, I'm gonna cum. Don't fucking stop."

I didn't and she did, all over my desk and my face, and she kept cumming for almost half a minute before she squeezed my head between her thighs and panted, "Oh fuck, I really needed that. Now fuck me."

I finally convinced her that my bed would be better than my desk, but not before she'd unbuckled my belt and pulled my jeans and underwear down to my ankles. She started to jack my stiff cock but I stopped her and then shuffled her back to my bedroom and pushed her down on the bed. As soon as I got in beside her, she started jacking my cock again. Then she grinned.

"You like your dick sucked? I like sucking a hard dick and yours looks really hard."

Well, it's not my favorite thing in the world, but I wasn't about to turn Randy down. As it was, she didn't wait for me to answer. She just scooted down, opened her mouth, and wrapped her lips around my cock head. That was another thing my ex thought was dirty. Randy seemed to be enjoying herself and so was I, so I let her do what she wanted. It seemed only right to play with her big, stiff nipples while she sucked my cock. The little moans she started making told me she liked that too.

It was after I pinched her stiff, right nipple and then pulled, she gasped, "Oh fuck, you got me going again", and climbed up on top of me.

There's something really erotic about seeing my cock disappear inside a hairy pussy. I don't know what the hell it is, but it is. It felt great too. Once she was sitting on my thighs, Randy clenched her muscles and made me lurch a little. She grinned.

"I'm gonna fuck your dick like you've never been fucked before."

It was hard to remember since it had been so long and my ex had only ridden me a couple times, but I decided Randy was right. She had this way of raising up until my cock head got caught in a tight spot. Then she'd close her eyes and make little short strokes for a while before moaning and then sinking back down. When her pussy lips flattened out against the base of my cock, my cock head bumped into something inside her that felt very snug and very wet.

Now, I couldn't ignore the pair of big tits swinging over my face. I didn't want to either. I love a stiff nipple in my mouth and another in my fingers. Judging by how Randy slammed her pussy down over my cock, she loved both too. She was grinding her pussy into my lap when I gently bit her nipple, and that made her gasp.

"Oh God, I'll kill you if you stop doing that."

If any other woman had told me that, I'd have chuckled. With Randy, I wasn't sure so I bit down again a little harder when she was in mid stroke. Randy shrieked and slammed down over my cock again.

I'm not really sure when she actually came. I know she got wetter and wetter and started stroking my cock faster and faster, and after a few of those deep, quick strokes, she threw her head back and started to shake. I changed nipples and gave that one a firm nip and the other a pinch and a pull. Randy shrieked again and started grinding her clit on the base of my cock. I felt a gush of something leak out around my cock and down onto my balls.

She murmured, "Fuck me, fuck me and cum in me", and then gasped. I think she started cumming then, but I was beyond anything except pumping my cum inside her. Once I'd done my four spurts, she kept riding me for a while. Then she giggled.

"Damn, I haven't cum that hard in years. Fuck me again so I can see if it's the same."

I chuckled.

"In case you've forgotten, guys need a little recovery time."

Randy rolled off me and spread her legs.

"Then finger me until you get it up again."

Well, that was one wild night. She couldn't seem to get enough even if it was just my finger rubbing her swollen clit while I sucked and nibbled her nipples. I don't know how many times she came. After a while it didn't seem like she actually stopped cumming. She'd just cry out and lift her hips up into my fingers or my cock, then sigh and say, "do me again".

It was the same the next morning. I woke up with Randy jacking my cock. I only made it once that morning, and that was just a dribble, but that didn't seem to bother Randy. I fingered her to cumming twice after that. After the second time, she flopped back on the bed, squeezed her big tits and moaned, "I need to be fucked again, but I'm not sure I can move now."

I laughed.

"That's good, because I won't be worth a damn until sometime tomorrow, maybe even the next day."

Randy rubbed my soft cock a little and frowned when it didn't do anything except lay there.

"I'll just have to come back then."

She did, two days later. She wasn't quite as horny though. After I licked her clit until it swelled up and then sucked it until she came, she stretched and said, "Damn, I love feeling like this, but I need to be fucked now."

Once I did and once she'd done that thing with her hips when she came, she sighed.

"I don't care what Marjorie says, there's nothing that feels as good as a real dick in me. I cum harder that way than I ever do with her."

"You and Marjorie...you're...?"

Randy raised up on one elbow and her big tits rolled down toward the bed.

"Well, we were talking one day. Marjorie said she didn't think she'd ever trust a man again. I said I felt the same way. She said she didn't miss Bill, but she did miss the sex. No, I didn't tell her about us. She might want to join in and I want your dick all to myself. I just said there were other ways to have sex.

"I still can't believe she was so naive, but she was. I had to tell her that two girls can have sex too. She seemed shocked at first, but then I sorta seduced her. She came really fast and really hard that first time. I did too after I showed her what to do. Yesterday she came over for coffee and said she'd been reading. I have to ask her for that book when she's done. She's not as good as being fucked by you, but she's still pretty damned good."

Well, it was some comfort to know I'm better than Marjorie, and I'm glad Randy didn't tell Marjorie about me. Randy's a handful when she's horny...well, considering how big her tits are, make that a double handful. I don't know if I could take two horny women at the same time. It wouldn't work anyway.

They'd end up being jealous of each other and I'd end up watching porn on my computer and jacking off again. I've sort of gotten used to Randy's visits. It's like being married without all the fucking bullshit that goes on when you're not actually fucking. Randy comes over, I fuck her until I can't get it up any more, finger her until she comes a couple more times, and then she goes home. I'm left alone with my scotch and my cigarettes and my frozen dinners. It's the best of both worlds.

Well, it's only about three-thirty in the afternoon, but I've earned a drink or three. This morning, I served two subpoenas and one summons. The subpoenas were easy because the people were expecting them. The summons, not quite as easy. I'd spent three days tracking down Janice Holmstead, and this morning I finally caught her as she was washing her car at one of those wash it yourself places.