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"It is a little crowed back there with all of those bags," Raven replied with a little joking smile on her face.
The rest of the drive over to my parent's place was not as eventful. We mainly just talked lightly about nothing, and drank our coffees. Pulling into the drive way at the house I noticed that my twin sister's car was there too.
"No mentioning of what happened at the mall okay," I stated to them before putting the car in park and turning off the engine.
"What happen at the mall?" Raven asked jokingly.
"Jacob must be talking about use buying all of these clothes," Sky added.
It was my turn to roll my eyes as we all got out of the car. We made it almost to the front door when my mother opened it and pulled me in for a big hug.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 5 years agoBased on your three chapters to date . . . The two sweet cute good elves will live happy thereafter. Thanks for sharing your fairy tale with me.
Anonymousalmost 8 years agoThe word is "damn' not dam. There is no such word as 'mear' - I think you mean 'mere'. People generally have 'no idea' not 'know idea'...
Rapierwit24601almost 8 years agoI hope you haven't given up on this story! While it is rife with mechanical errors, it's very imaginative.
teecee53almost 8 years agoI'm torn between wanting you to write more, and get it to us quickly or to take the time to rewrite and pass by an editor.
You have good ideas, and I don't really have criticisms except for spelling and word usage, such as 'waist' should be 'waste' in chapter 1.
I think your ending in chapter 3 was fine in setting the suspense.
Please, more!
Anonymousabout 8 years agoThis is really good. More please! Especially the sex scenes, those are really good.
Anonymousabout 8 years agoI've been trying to follow along with the story since you started it. Now with only 3 chapters I have literally lost interest. You seem not to put in a lot of effort or anything else in your story. Sorry to say that I don't plan to read the next chapter of the story.
Griffin_Scoutabout 8 years agoThe story is definitely starting to become very interesting, but the inconsistency in the two female elves knowledge is distracting. Hopefully, this will be corrected or better yet at least explained. The incorrect word usage is an annoyance. Don't rely on spell check to catch the mistakes. Read what you write. And last, but most certainly not least, that was a terrible place to end the chapter.
Anonymousabout 8 years agoThe high elves are rich in human virtual money while not knowing what a mall is? This is fucking bullshit, but why not.
But man, what was that nonsense with the thugs? Does your protagonist live in downtown Chicago that three dudes can come out of nowhere and just assault them with a knife in a public place in motherfucking PLAIN DAYLIGHT??!
Get your story straight and try not doing too much. And as said above, proofread a bit more: you don’t seem to know the difference between “two” and “to”. Such mixes are extremely confusing for nonnative readers.
Anonymousabout 8 years agoGood concept spoiled by poor spelling and incorrect words, e.g. mussel when you meant muscle. Keep going, I'd like to see how you develop this.
hardheadd1about 8 years agoStory is really taking off just one problem. Wrong place to end a chapter.
