Raw Ch. 02

I groaned and finished the scone, licking the sugar topping off my fingers.

I tried to imagine what it would have been like to just have regular, slow, passionate sex with him. Did he even like that? Was he capable of that? Or was he all Mr. Dominant? And now that I had experienced a little of the kinky world, would plain old vanilla sex be enough for me anymore?

My cab arrived, and I settled into the backseat with my latte. The scenery passed by in a blur as we headed back to the city. I swallowed the tears that threatened at my eyes and tried to repair my self-esteem.

I had made the right decision. I know I had. It just hurt to see my hopes shattered like one of his wine glasses dropped on the pristine hardwood floor of his bedroom.

###

Safely back in my hotel room, I stripped down and sat on the edge of the bed. I could imagine him in the room. Over there. Sitting in the chair. Straightening his tie. Staring me down with one eyebrow raised as he debated my answers. Standing by the door, slyly asking for my phone number through the ruse of needing it in case he had any more questions as our interview concluded.

Those memories only led to more erotic ones. I switched off the light, pulled the covers back, and lay down. My fingers took on a life of their own, caressing and squeezing my breasts, pressing between the swollen folds of my pussy. I stroked myself to release, crying out in anguish and relief when I finally came. I curled onto my side to come down from my high, but that made me think of how he'd spooned up against me just an hour ago after denying me an orgasm.

"Dammit!" I sat up and slammed my fist down on the mattress, glad of the soft surface but wishing the impact had been more rewarding.

I took a hot shower, scrubbing every inch of my skin, as if that would erase the memory of his touch, his scent. Then I changed into jeans and a T-Shirt, packed my bag, and used the automated checkout service. Sue had paid for my room through Monday, but I couldn't stay here another minute. Not when he could find me.

I hailed a cab out front again, repacked my bag at home, and jumped into my own car. Sue's voicemail picked up when I tried her number, so I left a message that I would be unavailable for a few days. I wasn't due to meet with her for another week to discuss what I would be doing for my next project. Even if I'd had pressing matters to attend to work-wise, she would have understood my need to escape.

With the stereo turned up, I headed out of the city. I needed to put this day as far behind me as possible right now. The further I got from Mr. Hughes and his masculine yet kinky bedroom, the better I could think.

Honestly, I wanted Brian's control in the bedroom. I didn't think I could handle it outside—although the memory of his hand restraining my wrist at lunch made my heart thump faster. With a sigh, I had to admit that I didn't want his dominant personality blocking all of his emotions. I wanted his strong control in a sensitive man. Both things at once. But did that exist in a Dominant/submissive relationship? If so, I didn't think it existed within him.

It wasn't until I took the exit for Wheaton that I realized I had been on auto pilot to my brother Drake's house. I guess something deep down knew I needed company. My brother Alexander was great, but he was always trying to make light of every situation. Tonight I didn't need humor and sarcasm, I needed a serious brother's support. I knew Drake could give it, although he probably didn't realize it. I would have to admit I knew a secret about him before we could go down that road.

I paid more attention to my driving now, watching traffic and the street signs for my turns. When I pulled into his drive, the porch light turned on, as if he were expecting me. A moment later, the front door opened.

"Becca?" a voice called from behind the light as I stepped out of the car.

I tried to smile, to stay strong. "Hey, Drake."

"What's wrong?"

"Who says anything's wrong?" My voice cracked as I spoke. "Can't I just come see my brother?"

"Come here." His arms surrounded me as tears spilled down my cheeks. "Hey, it's okay. Give me your bag. Let's go inside."

He waited until I was seated on the couch and he was in his recliner, both of us with a bottle of beer, before he spoke again.

"What's his name? What did he do? And where can I find him so I can kill him?"

I snorted softly. "What makes you think it's a man?"

"It's eleven o'clock on a Saturday night, and you're crying. You only cry about men."

"I do not," I said, sticking out my lower lip.

"You do when it's serious. So spill."

I sighed and took a long sip. "Let's just say I was introduced to something I thought I wanted, but it didn't go the way I expected."

Drake's forehead furrowed, and it looked...charming. Not like when Brian had done it several times today, as if he were chastising a childish decision. Drake seemed genuinely concerned.

"My lips are sealed."

"Yeah, but your face is red."

"It's the beer."

He snorted this time. "You had sex. Hot, dirty sex."

"Shit."

"Hell, I was just guessing." He grinned. "But now that you've admitted it, what don't you like about hot, dirty sex?"

I grimaced and took a swig for courage. "What do you consider hot and dirty?"

"Well, um..."

"Who's face is red now?"

"Touché."

I pointed my bottle at him. "You were explaining hot and dirty sex?"

"Fine. Obviously, anything that is fast and rough."

"Obviously," I grinned. It would be more fun getting him to admit his little secret himself.

He glared at me. "Some dirty talk as well. Maybe a little hair pulling. Not on the bed, of course."

"Of course."

"I'm being serious, because you asked." He took a drink. "Not your typical missionary."

I held up my hands. "Oh, this definitely wasn't missionary."

"Vanilla?"

"What's that?" Oh, how I loved goading him. He considered me his naïve little sister? I'd be happy to let him believe it...at least for a few more minutes.

"Well, uh, your typical sex. Usually missionary or doggy-style. Or cowgirl with her on top."

"What do you call atypical sex? Non-vanilla? Chocolate? Neapolitan?"

Drake laughed. "You're the writer. Don't you know?"

"I include sex scenes in most of my books, but I don't really do a lot of research beyond the norm. I guess my scenes are what you're considering 'vanilla.' I just don't—"

"Kinky, Becca. It's called kinky sex. BDSM. Control, ropes, and spanking. Shit like that."

I lifted my bottle to my mouth, but it couldn't hide the corners of my mouth as they turned up.

"Are you shitting me? You knew what I was talking about?"

I was smiling fully now, drinking back the cool liquid with delight. My cheeks felt stiff from the dried tears as I utilized the muscles there. "I don't think I've ever seen you so embarrassed before. Priceless. It was worth it."

"Anybody ever call you a tease?"

"Yeah, well, they used to." I sobered up a little, my melancholy returning. And before I could stop them, the words spilled out of my mouth. "I need some advice. Sex advice. What, with you being a control freak, I knew I could come to you. I'm in deep shit."

"Becca?"

"I got involved with a dominant man, and he kind of freaked me out."

He sat forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged. "I will be, eventually."

He was silent for a long time, rubbing his thumbs over the condensation on his bottle. He kept his eyes on the floor when he spoke again. "How long have you know about me?"

I blinked. That was an unexpected question. "Well, a few years now."

"What gave it away?"

"A comment you made after you proofread one of the Dex Knightly books. Something about how the heroine should have been more submissive in the bedroom. You gave me some suggestions that implied you had first-hand knowledge of the topic."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So, Becca, are you into kinky sex?"

Oh hell. Just get it over with.

"Yeah," I mumbled against the glass lip.

"Is this too much for you? I mean, you're my little sister."

"I'm thirty-five years old."

He rolled his eyes.

"I won't go into details if that was what you're asking me to do."

"Okay." He sat back, shaking his head as if he was still in disbelief that we were having this conversation in the first place. "Can you...will you tell me what about it made you drive an hour to see me?"

I thought for a moment, trying to find the right words but failing miserably. I shrugged and curled into the corner of the couch. "I guess I liked the feeling of not being in control. Of being restrained. Being told what to do. But I fear he was a little too...I don't know...overly aggressive? Maybe I'm just so unfamiliar with the territory I don't know what's normal and what isn't in the lifestyle."

"Okay. It's pretty typical of one in a submissive position to want to be controlled. Did you have a safe word? Did he do something specific you didn't like? Like cane the back of your legs as hard as he could while holding you down?"

"What the hell—"

"I read 'Fifty Shades,' too."

I almost choked on my beer.

"It's not just for soccer mommies, you know."

I rolled my eyes. "What did you think of the books?"

"Well, Ana needs to get a spine, Christian needs to get knocked down a few pegs, and that author clearly had no experience herself with the lifestyle because Christian is not what most true Doms are like. He's a poor excuse for a model of one, and anyone who wants to try the lifestyle assuming that's the kind of guy they'll get as a partner...well, they'll be sorely disappointed. Plus, why would anyone want that kind of a partner? He's manipulative, abusive, and disturbed. Not to mention his Mrs. Robinson issues."

"Don't hold anything back now, dear brother." I went to take another drink but slowly lowered my bottle. Although I knew he was into kinky sex, I did not know the full extent. Now was as good a time as any to find out. "How long have you been involved the lifestyle?"

"Don't tell Alex. Or Mom. Dad never knew, God rest his soul."

I crossed my heart. "I promise, I won't."

"It wasn't a question, Becca."

"I still promise."

"Fifteen years."

This time I did choke on my beer. Drake rushed over to pat me on my back as I coughed until I could breathe. Well, damn.

"Secret is finally out. There's two of us kinksters in the family now. Except that you're just a novice."

"I take it you're Dominant?" There was no response. "A Master?"

Drake just smiled. Not a grin or a smirk, but an honest-to-goodness smile. He was fucking serious.

"Hot damn," I whispered. I processed that for another moment. "So you know what a typical Dom should do? How he should act?"

"No two are alike, just like no two humans are alike. There isn't a test you take that says 'If you do A, B, and C, you're a Dom.' But for the most part, they practice the same principles. He didn't make you sign an NDA, did he?"

I laughed wholeheartedly.

"What's so funny?"

I was almost crying again I was laughing so hard.

"Becca?" His smile faltered.

I waved my hand at him until I caught my breath. "I made him sign one."

Drake stared at me, his mouth agape. "No shit?"

I grinned. "He interviewed me Friday evening about the Dex Knightly Mysteries. You should have seen the look on his face when Sue introduced us. If he hadn't been so poised in his Armani suit, I would have sworn he'd shit his pants when he realized Drake Alexander was a woman. I made him sign the non-disclosure agreement so he wouldn't spill that little fact."

"You slept with a reporter?"

I shook my head. "He works for 'Lit Wild.' The erotic magazine?"

"You slept with a glorified reporter?" Drake was smiling again.

"Yeah. But not until today."

"Did you come straight from being with him?"

"Sort of." I pulled my legs up under me. "I ran out on him. Caught a cab and cleaned up at the hotel Sue had booked me for the weekend. Then I went home to get my car and different clothes."

"Becca?" Drake moved to sit next to me on the couch. He laid his hand on mine. "Did he hurt you?"

I frowned. "No. He just...confused me, I guess. I thought I wanted this. Then he scared me. But now that I'm away from him, I'm not so sure I made the right decision by running."

My big brother remained silent. His face was clouded now, his eyes dark, his jaw jerking slightly as he clenched it.

"He was cold, at first. It's the only word I can think of to describe it. When he picked me up this morning. When we had lunch. When he drove me to his place."

"What about during? After?"

I thought about it then shook my head. "He was a different person. It wasn't like I was a whipping post or an object. He was very good at what he did. It was very erotic...arousing. Of course, I'd never experienced any of that, so it was all kind of surprising and strange, yet at the same time, I liked it."

"You had a safe word?"

I nodded.

"Did you ever use it?"

"Only at the end."

"Did you ever want to use it before?"

I shrugged and then sighed. "There were a couple of times, but it was more of a fear of the unknown. I wanted to test my boundaries. I was certain that's what he was doing as well. It's just..."

"What?"

"He seemed...detached. He was there, I was there, but it was like we were in these roles. And I'm sure you're going to say that's part of the experience."

"Yes, it can be. It usually is for most couples during a session."

I groaned loudly. "I expected more emotion from him. Not that guys in general are emotional, but at least they've expressed themselves while we're having sex, or just after. Br—um, he just...I don't know. He didn't talk much. Played music most of the time, but I liked that. Helped me stay in the mood."

"Shit. Are you sure he wasn't Christian Grey?" Drake snorted.

"No. But he might have read the books." I shivered. "I enjoyed the sex immensely. I just wish..."

"What?"

"I don't know." I relaxed against him when he put his arm around my shoulders.

"Yes, you do. And if you don't voice it, you'll never make it as a submissive. You do have a voice, and you need to use it. Any Dom who won't hear you out or ignores you when you do tell him things is not real. He doesn't take his role seriously."

I shrugged. "I wanted the affection. The warmth. To not shut himself off, like I'm just a body he gets to fuck how he wants to. To not let it be all about the control. I wanted more...intimacy. To be desired for who I am. Even just a little normal, vanilla sex. I don't understand why it all had to be kinky. And afterwards? Maybe for us to just cuddle and talk about it. Maybe that's just what women want, though."

"Aftercare."

"Hmm?"

"That's called aftercare. The comfort you want, you need after a session. The cool-down time. It differs for everyone, but most women need a time of being held and calmed that makes them feel important and cared for, even if the sex was rough and sometimes painful."

"Yeah. It was there in some aspects. But not exactly what I was needing."

Drake sighed. "He sounds like he saw you as a vessel, not a partner. I'm sorry your first experience wasn't all you had dreamed it to be. Honestly, I don't think they ever truly are. Even a vanilla relationship isn't perfect the very first time. Throwing a kinky wrench into the mix makes it harder. Sometimes it just takes longer to...well, work the kinks out."

I laughed and took a sip of beer, swishing it around my mouth while I did the same with the thoughts in my head.

"What were his basic rules?"

"Call him Sir. Not speak unless spoken to. Not to touch him unless he gave permission. Trust him blindly. And if I used the safe word, he was done with me. Oh, and..." I went on to relay Brian's expectations of our relationship.

Drake pulled away and stared down at me. "He said all that?"

I blinked and bit my lower lip.

"Shit, Becca." He hugged me close. "My first instinct is to say you did the right thing by walking away. But I can see the draw for you. Especially in a guy like that. I don't know if talking to him about what you want and need would do any good. But I want you to take some time to step back and think about it. You're too raw from the experience to look at it from a sensible perspective at the moment."

"Okay," I mumbled against his shoulder.

"Do you think that makes sense?"

I shrugged and sighed. "You obviously know more about this lifestyle than I do. I never thought I'd be getting sex advice from my brother, but hey..."

"I love you, Becca."

"Yeah, I know."

"But this has to be your decision. I can't make it for you. You were there, not me. You know what he's like, even after only a few hours. Please, just keep your head about you. Don't make choices based on how good the sex is or what you think you'll get out of it if you just 'hang in there.' I don't want to see you hurt. And trust me. People get hurt in this lifestyle. I'm not talking physically, although that does happen. The emotional turmoil of a bad session or relationship... The heart is a very fragile thing. The wrong partner can make it shatter, sometimes beyond repair."

"Point well taken."

We were both quiet for a long time. It felt good to have talked to someone about it, to be held. Even if it was my brother and it wasn't the comfort I had been hoping for from Brian, my lover.

"You know, Becca..."

"Yeah?" I leaned my head back to look up at his face.

"If you're willing, I could introduce you to a couple of friends I trust. One is another Master, unpartnered. The other is a female sub. You could talk to both of them. Ask questions. They'd be more than happy to help ease you into this lifestyle if it's something you really want. To train you."

I scrunched up my nose. "I'm not a dog."

Drake laughed. "It's just what they call it when a seasoned Dom teaches a new sub. Shows her the ropes. Sometimes literally. In this case with my friend, you would have full say over everything. Let him know what you want to learn. Feel free to ask questions without feeling like you're disobeying."

"Oh. Okay." That did sound like it might be a good idea. I frowned suddenly. "Would you be there?"

"Only if you want me there."

I gulped.

"You don't need to answer right now. In fact, I don't want an answer tonight. Don't rush it."

"Okay."

"How long are you staying?"

"I don't know. I took the week off. At least over night. Maybe a couple of days. Is that a problem?"

"Not at all. I'm on vacation myself."

"Thanks, Drake."

"Anytime. Let's get you settled into the guest room, and we'll talk more in the morning, okay?"

I nodded and reluctantly got up from the couch to follow him down the hall. This weekend had definitely not gone the way I had planned. But I was so exhausted, all I could think about right now was crashing in a soft bed with warm blankets piled around me.

###

"You'll be fine," Drake said in my ear Monday morning as we stood on the front porch to a modest two-story house.

"So you keep saying."

His hand remained on my back. It was a welcome anchor to my extreme nerves. Ever since he'd broached his idea yesterday morning over breakfast, I'd been trying to corral my questions. I'd expected to spend the day recovering from the ordeal with Brian. Instead, my brother had wanted to compare kinky experiences, or at least his knowledge of some practices. Normally, I would have told him that was pushing our sibling boundaries, but I was honestly interested and more than a little curious about what else was out there that Brian had not shown me.

Apparently there was a hell of a lot more than I ever would have guessed.

Now, I tried to take deep breaths. Slowly, I began to believe the mantra in my head that I could do this. That I wanted to do this. But when I heard the snick of a deadbolt turning on the front door, my heart beat sped up again.