Razor Ch. 06

Once more I stood in the shower, thinking about, longing for, craving sleep. I kept my eyes closed and tried to empty my mind, to clear all of the unfinished processes that kept buzzing up there. I felt the warm, almost hot, water caress my body and sooth the pain I felt in my muscles and joints. Warm water almost felt like the caress of another person's hand, the whisper-like soft pressure nearly tricking your system into believing that you were being lovingly cared for. But just almost and nearly. I longed for that too, the feeling of someone else's skin pressed against my skin.

I sighed, stepped out of the shower and walked, dripping wet, into my bedroom and threw myself down on the bed. I opened the small, secret compartment that was built into the bedframe and pulled out my trusted old friend, a powerful vibrator. I couldn't do much about the skin-on-skin longings but I could most definitely do something about my other ever-present cravings.

God, there were so many things I missed, everything from long, slow kissing to the magical feeling of slowly gliding down a hard cock, that first eager stroke when everything was still new and you could feel every inch of lovely penetration, before lust forced you to start moving to create perfect friction. I missed all the different flavors of sex, everything from making precious love to fucking the living daylights out of someone.

It boggled my mind that I could still feel lust, that I still wanted, needed, despite what I had done, despite what had been done to me. It more than boggled my mind that I still used my vivid visual imagination to picture situations with definite dominant elements, where pleasure sometimes walked hand in hand with pain. The thought of being tied up, helpless, should be against everything I believed in, but still, it was what made me come, quick, hard and long, as it always did.

I lay there in my bed and stared at the ceiling. A control freak obsessed with thoughts of being tied up, I really was fucked up, wasn't I? And how could the longing I had for soft caresses and caring, loving touches ever be combined with my need for rougher sex and domination games? And above all, would I ever get over my fear of showing myself naked in front of anyone I was interested in, sexually?

I laughed at my short list of requirements for a potential bedpartner; he should be blind and have a sensory deficiency preventing him from seeing and feeling the scars on my body. He should like both sweet loving and rougher sex. And yeah, he had to like screamers. I could see the profile I'd have to create on one of those sexual dating sites, and I could easily imagine the answers I would get, like "do you need lube when I fuck your ass?" and "hey, me and my mate need a third for our threesome, you game?". Actually answering those questions would be pretty fun, hilariously long answers with anything from Christian-church-lady language to European-whore-looking-for-a-pimp language. I sighed and shook my head, another day, it was time to get going.

My long nightly contemplation had shown me that I didn't know enough about Rose and what had happened to her, and I had decided I needed to know more. As soon as I woke up I had called Samuel and told him that I would be late and why, that I needed to see Rose. I only had to find her first...

I suspected that I would find her wherever Sean was, he had after all been even more protective than he usually was. I started a simple phone tracker and found him, or at least his phone, a few miles outside of town. When I looked at the address and listed the house owners in the area I realized that they were probably staying with Sean's aunt, Elena's mother, a sweet woman I had met on just a few occasions.

I made myself my standard morning health-shake, chockfull with vitamins and antioxidants, not quite as pleasant in taste as I would wish, but then again, healthy things seldom came in chocolate-and-cherry flavor. My back was still hurting, forcing me to keep up my painkiller consumption. I sighed and walked out to my car, aiming for Elena's mother's house.

After driving a few minutes whilst yawning almost constantly I realized I should probably warn them I was coming. I dialed Sean's phone number and waited for him to answer.

"Hey," Sean's tired voice answered "have you found anything?"

"Hey, yourself," I said "and to answer your question, yes and no. I've found something but not enough."

"Right..." he said, his voice still tired "you'll keep looking won't you?"

"I will," I answered "but first I need a few answers, because it feels like I'm missing some important parts of the puzzle. I'm heading out to your aunt's place, that's where you are, isn't it?"

"I'm on my way to work actually..." Sean answered.

"What? Are you crazy?" I answered, my voice loud and panicky "You're leaving Rose and your aunt alone out there?"

"Well, I didn't really want to, now did I?" he grumbled "But you have met my aunt, haven't you? And how the hell did you know where I was?"

"I tracked your phone..." I answered.

"You can't just go around tracking people's phones, you know that don't you?" Sean answered with an exasperated sigh.

"I didn't know that actually," I answered cheekily "but never mind that. I need to meet and talk to all of you, so you better get your butt back to your aunt's house, I need to know everything from start to end, everything everyone has seen, said and even thought!"

"Perhaps I should go get my uncle then, because he was the first of us to meet Rose..." Sean grumbled.

"See there, that's important information too," I grumbled back "you're the cop after all, you should know the importance of seeing the full picture!"

"Don't be such a bitch," Sean answered and I could hear his anger rising "I'll go get Edward and meet you at the house. Make sure you treat the women nicer than you treat your male friends, huh?"

I nodded to the phone as he hung up, I had to get a grip, I couldn't go around antagonizing people like that. There was no need to take my frustrations out on anyone else. I should focus on the task at hand, getting all of the information I needed to be able to see that full picture I was talking about.

I drove slowly down the small road where Sean's aunt, Gabriella, was supposed to have a house, I wasn't quite sure where though; it should be the first house by the lake to the left, ahh, there it was! I parked my car next to what I guessed was Gabriella's and jumped out, scanning the surroundings for any signs of humans. It seemed pretty deserted? I heard a sound from further down, by the lake, turned around and saw Rose and Gabriella come walking towards me. I walked up to them and nodded hello. Rose looked at me, a worry-wrinkle between her eyes, her eyes meeting mine, her facial expression almost unreadable. A gasp from Gabriella pulled my eyes away from Rose.

"What's happened" Gabriella asked loudly, pointing towards my lips.

I answered that I'd been hit by an old friend and asked them not to tell Sean, knowing that Sean would respond badly if he knew that there was yet another mistreated woman in his circle of friends. Samuel hadn't exactly hurt me, not by my standards at least, and I did look and feel tired enough to have fallen off my chair after having fallen asleep by my computers.

They both nodded, and I could see the thoughts whirling in Rose's head.

"And Susan then?" she asked softly "Did she fall and hit her face too?"

"No, she was hit by a guy at work, a real piece of shit according to public and not so public records." I answered, surprised that Rose had been able to notice Susan's injuries when she was brought to hospital "But he's being handled as we speak. And well, Susan's being taken care of too, but in a slightly different, and very much better, way."

With a small smile I thought about the way I had found Susan's coworker by analyzing social media flows, using my new engine for speedy analysis of big data; there seemed to have been a lot of happy women at Susan's workplace after the man had been removed from the company premises. And I had sent the man a digital storm of epic proportions, a more efficient way of punishing someone, if not nearly as fulfilling as using your fists.

From wicked punishments to wicked pleasure; I smiled when I thought about the many ways Susan could find to entertain herself with two healthy, eager men. If memory served me right the brother who'd helped me in my apartment had been both attractive and charming, in a shy sort of a way. Rose looked at me with questions written all over her face, but before she could pose any questions another car came rolling up the driveway.

An older man came walking towards us; he nodded to me and then walked up to Rose and gave her a warm hug. He was followed by a dog, who gave Rose the doggy version of hugs and kisses. I saw Rose fall to her knees and heard her giggle and then laugh loudly, in what sounded like true happiness.

Sean came walking up to us, a wide smile on his face, probably from hearing Rose's laughter. I looked at him and saw that his eyes were glued to Roses laughter-pink face and realized he had already fallen and deeply. I felt no waves of worry in my stomach over the thought of him and Rose giving it a go, somewhere in the future, it only felt surprisingly right.

Sean introduced Edward and his sweet dog, Alfred, to me before we all walked into the small kitchen. We all fit snugly by the table, and I couldn't help noticing that Sean made sure he was placed right beside Rose. I also noticed that Rose had a slightly furrier canine suitor on her other side.

"What's happened to your face?" Sean asked me, and I almost laughed out loud because he'd been so busy looking at Rose that he hadn't seen my split lip until then.

"It was an accident; I fell asleep and hit my face when I fell from my office chair..." I answered with a wide smile "do you want to kiss it and make it all better?"

Sean stared at me and turned his eyes up to the sky, signaling the inappropriateness of my suggestion. He sighed and leaned in closer to Rose, another very obvious signal, and I had to fight hard not to laugh at him, because the big man was just too adorable.

"Right," I said "we've been able to hack the backup facilities of the phone service provider of your husband's. We've found some pictures that were backed up from his phone and they seem to be connected to the missing blonde girls."

I pulled my hand through my hair and hoped they didn't want to see any of the pictures we'd found, and luckily no such requests were made.

"I had to get in contact with an old friend, Samuel, perhaps you remember him from school, Rose? No?" I continued "Well anyways, he's helping me push through the last layer of security on a really well-protected cloud storage service that your husband is using. Some say that the cloud services of today are even more secure than having in-house servers providing you with what you need, and perhaps they're right. It's taking us longer than estimated to crack through the inner walls of it, but Samuel said it should only take a few more hours."

Everybody nodded and I smiled, glad that I had at least been able to tell them something, to ease their worries somewhat. I looked at them all and could easily read the warmth and love they all radiated, the way Edward, Gabriella and Sean were all concentrated on Rose's well-being.

"So..." I said to them "if Sean hasn't told you why we're all here, it's because I wanted to hear your stories, to be able to see the full picture. Let's start from the beginning shall we?"

We sat around the table for a long time, and I listened to their stories and asked them question after question until I thought I'd been able to get every single important fact out of them. I could easily see how and why they were all connected to each other, simple reasons and in uncomplicated patterns. There were a few strange things in their stories that made me think that I still couldn't see the full picture, some even worried me enough to be worth an extra look.

I stood up and looked at the sweet, loving people in the room. I smiled at Sean and Rose, sitting so close, his arm around her and I so wanted to tease him about it, but I let it rest. I asked Rose to walk me to my car instead, hoping for a few words with her, alone. We walked out and Sean and Rose almost made me laugh out loud when they passed each other, it was silly and adorable in a sweet, but very laughable mix. I asked Sean to contact his friend at the homicide unit, and then I walked out of the house.

I stopped by my car, leaned against the driver door and looked at Rose, who seemed much calmer than she had been the day before. She was still in pain, and still pretty frightened, but there was some hope behind it all as well. I sighed and pulled at my hair, wondering if I should ask how she was feeling, or if I should just trust my senses to tell me the truth. She didn't seem to want to talk about what she'd been through, so I decided to shut up about it too.

"We have a plan, something tangible that we're working on to capture the devil you married, and to free you from the life you should never, ever have had to live. But at this point, when I can't do anything to help, when I can only await the result of someone else's efforts, all this anger and frustration that I have inside is almost killing me. I need to kick something, break things or scream." I told Rose softly "Or... I can find another way of using this energy I have inside... but I wanted to ask your approval first. It seems that your husband's family haven't really treated you right either. And I wanted to ask you if you'd be very sorry if I put some effort into breaking down the little empire they've built for themselves? I am quite capable of tearing it and them into tiny, little, non-important pieces of pocket lint. So may I... please?"

I smiled widely when Rose nodded and then I happily jumped into my car. I hadn't thought that she would say yes to my suggestion, but I was happy that she did. I wasn't really sure I would have been able to stop myself from destroying the people who'd been all too aware of my friend being badly treated for all those years.

I drove to Samuel's place by way of his favorite sandwich provider and gained a happy smile and a quick "you remembered" before we both settled down by the computers, him happily pulling down the fundaments of the backup facilities, me happily pulling down the fundaments of the most powerful family of our small city, both of us loudly chewing on that same city's most delicious Italian sandwiches.

Hours passed and it felt like seconds, but I finally had to pull myself away from the wonderful land of computers, to be able to make it to my appointment with William. The upcoming talk didn't worry me as much as it really should have, considering the next part of my story.

* * * * *

I spent a calm and pleasant day at work, listening to my patients and gently guiding those in need of help. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I was filled with a strange nervous energy that made the calm of the day seem anything but relaxing. Between my appointments I kept busy, documenting each visit thoroughly, performing administrative tasks, organizing papers and even cleaning my office some, and I knew it was all because I had agreed to see Mary again.

I stopped alphabetizing the books in my bookshelf, sat down and forced myself to sort through my thoughts and emotions. Mary, I thought, there's something about Mary, just as the old movie with Cameron Diaz stated, but without the crazy stalker, or perhaps with the roles reversed, Mary being the stalker and me being the innocent victim. And that was the problem wasn't it. She saw too much, knew too much and what she had revealed had made me feel persecuted, watched, almost paranoid. She had rocked my world, not in a good way, on three separate occasions, and I feared that she would continue to do just that.

I was frankly afraid that she'd been able to dig up something more about me or my family, but except for the sad story of my wife, which I guessed she already knew everything about, there really wasn't that much to be found. My mother was still alive and healthy, my father had died in a heart attack just a few years back and I lived alone with my two girls in a small house. I didn't have any dirty secrets, there was nothing adventurous about me, I hadn't had even one major life crisis; what you saw was what you got, every calm, almost boring inch of me. There really was no need for me to be afraid, because there was nothing more for her to reveal, no more strange connections between her story and my life.

Still, if I removed every reference between her life and mine, what she had told me about herself and the dark sadness I sensed in her also shook me in a very unpleasant way. Chances were that there were more painful revelations to come, more sad music to listen to, more confusing thoughts to be had and more compassion to be felt. For some reason she'd made me lose my ability to distance myself, and I still hadn't quite figured out how she'd done that, it seemed it wasn't just the way she drew parallels to me, my life and my history. If I could just focus enough on keeping my cool, staying calm, not letting my emotions get involved, then I'd be able to live through one hour without any bigger problems, perhaps even a second hour, because I had after all promised. And if there were no if's then the cat would be a dog, I added with a skeptical shake of my head and a smile on my face as I contemplated my grandmother's old saying, origin unknown.

I sighed and thought about my grandmother's many words of wisdom, where "a promise is a promise" was a favorite of hers. I had promised Mary to give her four hours to tell her story, and I had only given her two; not giving her a third and a fourth hour wasn't acceptable. No matter what she told me that day, I would make sure she had her last hour, and then I would decide what to do about her. I took a deep breath and stood up, preparing myself for what was to come.

I walked past the reception area and informed the assistants that I would fetch my next appointment myself, there was no sense just sitting down letting that nervous energy flow through my system. And perhaps I'd be able to see Mary and what mood she was in before she saw and read me, and maybe that would help me prepare for our meeting.

Just as I reached the waiting room I saw her walk in, wearing black sunglasses and really big headphones. She had her hands in her pockets and stared down at the floor, barely avoiding hitting people that got in her way. She stopped, tilted her head slightly to the right and then looked up to stare straight at me, one eyebrow lifted above the glasses. I waved for her to come with me, and she walked up to me with long, quick steps.

When we reached the hallway leading up to my room I turned back to watch her and saw her remove both her glasses and her headphones and shove them into the pockets of her light jacket. She looked up at me with a silly smile and we kept walking, straight into my room. She closed the door after us and we sat down, in the same old chairs, like nothing had happened. I felt I needed to ask her about her strange accessories, if she usually wore glasses indoors and what she was listening to in those big headphones.

"Why...?" I started, not really sure how to pose the question without seeming too curious "Why are you wearing glasses indoors? And... headphones? With music?"

She laughed softly and shook her head.

"Sometimes when I'm really tired, my system gets overloaded and I start sensing things even stronger than I usually do..." she answered "and I have to shield myself by blocking some of my senses. I try to stay away from people when that happens, but I wanted, or more like needed, to come here today."