Real Pain Real Joy

I take a deep breath and knock on his door. It's only been a month since I saw him last but 4 since everything was normal. I do not know what today holds. Will we be back to our old selves or will there still be that looming awkwardness like when I was here last?

My phone buzzes with a snapchat from him.

"Come in babe."

Babe. That's a good sign. I open the door and walk in. The house is cool and the lights off. The only light is the sun shining through the windows in the kitchen and living room. He walks into the hall as I shut the front door behind me. His face lights up as he sees me. His eyes and grin say, I'm so happy to see you. My body relaxes by 1000 degrees. That look. My look. Is what I had already predetermined how this weekend would go. Blank and guarded meant just chilling on the couch. But that look says, no walls or holds.

He walks up to me and says "You look amazing." He bends to kiss me and my insides tense. I know if I don't hold back a little I will completely melt into him and lose my composure. His hands go to my waist as I tip toe to meet his lips. His large strong hands pull my body to meet his. As our chests meet I feel his body heat through our clothes. I can feel my resolve already slipping. He turns me and pushes me against the wall as he pulls away.

He looks down into my eyes and huskily says "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" I reply

Nothing, wasn't officially wrong but I just didn't know how to gauge today. I didn't know what to expect. The first time we were together was so easy and natural. However, so much has happened in that time.

"Something is wrong, Bridget." He says in a firm tone commanding me to just say it.

"Seth, it's just that we haven't discussed what to expect of today. Are you ok? Are we friends chilling on the couch? Or are we lovers? I don't know what version of our friendship you want today."

His shoulders visibly sink for a second. Than he resumes his stance as he presses his body into mine against the wall. He leans into my ear and whispers almost growling. "I want all of you. Cuddling on the couch. Holding your hand. Listening to you talk. And making your body cum until you beg me to stop."

My body involuntarily pushes back into him. My complete resolve gone just with those few short sentences. We can be us again. My entire being beams. He kisses me again and pulls my body up to him. My arms wrap around his neck. Our tongues dance in a heated battle. I press my palms flat onto his shoulders feeling him. He pulls me all the way up and my legs wrap around his waist. I am melting. I can feel all the pent up emotions bubbling to the surface and leaving through our lips. We pull away slightly and I wrap completely around him. My arms. My legs. And my head on his shoulder. I just breathe him in.

"I missed you so much." He says huskily

"I did too." Choking back my emotions

"Do you want to go to the couch or the bed?" he asks

"I don't care. I just want to feel you." I reply into his neck

He places me back onto my feet. As we make eye contact he grabs my hand and walks me to the living room. He sits on the couch with one leg over the edge and one leg flush onto the back cushion. He pats the bottom cushion in between his legs and says "Sit."

I eagerly do as I'm told. It's not like I'm going to argue about cuddling with him. I sit and lean back into his chest. His body heat soaks through the thin material of my crop top and I feel my back muscles relax as if they had been tight for years. I audibly sigh and lean my head onto him and close my eyes. His hands grab my hips and move me back into him more. He takes a deep breath and I feel his body relax too. He needs this too.

For weeks now I've been convincing myself that all this was just in my imagination. There is no way that this feeling was real. There is no way that someone's existence could actually feel like it was healing my soul. It is real. At least to me it is.

He is lightly petting my ribs and waist. Up and down. Softly. Slowly. Our breathing is in rhythm just existing in the same space together. My hands resting on his thighs. My fingers flexing back and forth raking my nails against the rough denim material. I can't tell how long we sit like that. Not talking but just breathing each other in.

I notice his breathing getting a little unsteady as his hands find the hem of my shirt. He places them flush on my skin. His rough skin colliding with my smooth. I inhale deeply. They move inward to my belly and back out. Then travel up my sides and back down. His head leans forward. I can feel his breath slightly tickling my ear and then his mouth on my neck. I think I have stopped breathing at this point not wanting it to stop but my heart is pounding. His mouth is soft at first just kissing and nibbling. His heart is beating into my back. His caresses get harder around my waist and stomach as I feel his teeth slightly biting. I moan out loud and push further back into him arching my neck so that he can reach the spot that unwinds me. He finds it. I can feel the warm wetness between my legs and my muscles clench.

This tease continues for several minutes. Our hands roaming. Touching. Needing. My breath is ragged and I know I am coming undone. My hips are involuntarily moving. He removes my shirt and bites down hard on my shoulder. The pain sears through my core but I want more. I cock my head sideways at him. He grabs my jaw, pulls my mouth to his, and kisses me aggressively. The heat inside of his mouth is startling but spurs me on. Our tongues are tasting and swimming begging for more.

He releases me. I am breathing hard. He is too. I scoot away from him. He sits straight up and his eyes say come here. He motions with his head for me to straddle his lap. I straddle him facing forward. His hands return to my hips and our mouths join again. I can feel his heat and hardness pushing through our clothes and meeting my clit. I grind into him. He moans into my mouth. He pulls away just long enough to say "We have too many clothes on."

We giggle as I stand up and start removing mine. Unexpectedly he is not removing his. He is just watching me. His eyes are enjoying the show as each piece comes off. Crop top. Bra. Shorts. I stand there with just my panties on. He leans forward grabs them and tears them off. "You won't be wearing them anymore this weekend anyways."

He pulls me back onto his lap and we resume the kissing, grinding, and petting. I need to feel him. I need the release. My body is so hot and tight. I feel like a rubber band about to snap. He lays me on the couch onto my back. He leans over me and continues to kiss me. I feel his hand roaming up my inner thigh. My wetness clearly running down my leg. With every inch of movement up my thigh I am closer and closer to exploding. He traces my lips with the tip of his index finger. I buck my hips trying to urge him to hurry up. I feel his lips turn into a grin on mine. His mouth moves to my ear. His hot breath whispers "What do you need, baby?"

"You. Baby!" I respond with a whine and an attitude

His fingers stop.

"Ask. Nicely. Baby" he bites out

"Please, make me cum." I comply

My defenses are down. I have no fight just need. Fuck, he is touching my pussy every where except where I need it. His mouth is dominating my neck, shoulders, and chest.

"Please, please, touch me. Quit teasing me. Please." I quietly scream out

"Yes, baby. I love it when you beg. " he says amused

He slowly inserts one finger. My tension releases and my body sighs. He moves it just enough to continue my climb but not enough to make me cum. He is watching me now. Our eyes locked together. Mine begging. His laughing.

"Did you miss me, baby?" he asks

"Everyday" I say as my body is moving with his finger

"You are so wet. Do you want me to let you cum?"

"Please." I whisper

"Please tell me to cum."

He stands up. "Not yet. Get up. We need to go get something to eat. Did you bring the pink dress with you?"

I lay there stunned with my body shaking but I form a reply.

"Of Course" I say curtly. Agitation quickly turning to excitement about finally getting to wear the dress for him.

This dress probably should not hold so much precedence in my head but it does. When we had first started talking he was obviously very infatuated with sundresses. On our first meeting I had bought a dress for that reason. Several days after I had asked him to find a dress he liked and send me the link. This act bonded us. Since then that dress has quietly hung in my closet reminding me of what could be and what was. Like a secret promise and memory.

I quickly put on my clothes that are in a heap on the floor and run out to my car to grab my bag. The dress is a light pink with buttons down the front. It is cotton and high waisted. It accentuates all my curves without being overly revealing.

As I return into the house I can tell how amused he is as he's moving through the house. I dress quickly in the bathroom. My hair is a mess from the make out session. Just the thought of it makes my muscles tense and the wetness return. I'm still so hungry for him. I asked him to tease me but I didn't realize it was going to be for hours.

He walks into the restroom and watches me pull my hair up into a bun and apply eye makeup. I can see him grinning in the mirror as he's watches me. He waits patiently until I finish and then comes up behind me. He wraps his arms around me as we both make eye contact in the mirror. He leans into my ear and says "I knew that dress was going to look great on you. "

"Thank you" I melt back into his arms and blush.

We leave and drive across town. His hand resting and petting my thigh. Going further and further up my thigh. I outwardly maintain my composure and carry along with the conversation. I don't want to miss one minute. As much as I enjoy the physical aspect of our relationship the talking and connecting is what I long for. We pull into a small burger joint and park.

"Burgers are your favorite? Right?" he asks

"Yes" I reply giddily as I jump out of the truck

He grabs my hand and says with a joke in his tone. "With fries, of course, we can't forget the fries. You will like this place. A member of the group owns it."

With the last sentence I go on alert. The group he is referring to is a kink group in town. They all get together monthly to enjoy each other's company and to learn from each other. I haven't met any of the people and I am noticeably intimated realizing I'm about to meet them.

"It's fine, babe. They're going to love you. I brought you here because it's small and private." He says

I walk beside him trying to control my breathing. My hand tight around his as we walk inside. A tall thin older woman comes from behind the counter and loudly exclaims "Seth! Oh my gawd!! Who did you bring to see us?"

She bends slightly to hug him tightly. He returns the hug and beams at me. I know that I'm blushing by this point anxiety coarsing through me. She releases him and hugs me with the same intensity.

"Wanda, this is my girlfriend Bridget." He says with a grin

I startle and look at him. My breath catching in my throat. I feel slightly dizzy as he grabs my hand again. Girlfriend. What the hell? He's only called me that once and that was as a joke. He's watching my face for my reaction and I'm watching his. Wanda is watching us both. She finally breaks the silence.

"What the hell did I just miss?" she asks

We all laugh and I finally inhale. "Nothing. I've just never called her that and it took her off guard." He answers openly

I know they have to be close for him to be that open with her. She grins as she takes us to a booth. I slide in and he slides in next to me. Her and Seth continue with small talk about his kids, the group, and work until she says "Well, I'm going to leave yall two to what yall came here for. What do you want to drink?"

He ordered a beer and I ordered a unsweetened tea. She winked at us and walks away.

"I like her." I said as I start leafing through the menu.

"I knew you would. He husband is in the back. Beware he's a hugger." He says with a wide grin as he's watching my face.

I close the menu and turn towards him my back leaning against the wall. His hand is already playing with my outer thigh. I watch his face as he is deciding on what he wants. His glasses sliding slightly forward on his nose as his head is tilted down. The curve of his jaw bone tense with concentration. The slight grin still on his mouth because he is getting braver with his petting and because he can see me inspecting him. His face has so much character. It shields all of his emotions but portrays just enough to let me in. He looks at me sideways and squeezed my thigh and says "You're making me nervous. Quit staring at me."

"You are just so fucking attractive. I love your face." I reply in all seriousness

"Thank you" he says not knowing how to receive the compliment. He closes the menu and looks at me.

"Do you know what you want?" he asks

I shake my head yes.

Wanda returns with our drinks and takes our orders. She is eyeballing us both. I can tell from the look on her face she is assessing us. She is not used to seeing Seth with anyone on an intimate level. She still hasn't decided the level of the relationship when she walks away. The feeling is mutual. I don't know his level in the relationship. I am 100% certain of mine.

This thinking gives me the nerve to ask. "Girlfriend? Is this still the naughty girlfriend that we joke about or something that we haven't discussed?"

He looks at me and his hand stops the circular motions that he is making on my thigh.

"What do you want it to be?" throwing the question back at me.

"No, that's below the belt. You knew this question was coming when you called me that." I square off and move my thigh away from him. I'm ready for this question to have an answer.

"Bridget, do you know how much I like you?" he asks

I honestly shake my head no.

He looks shocked.

"I know how much you liked me." I reply, accentuating liked, past tense.

"I'm sorry you are going to have to explain that. Nothing has changed so why is it past tense?" he still is not answering the question.

I accept that I need to answer this without his answer first. "The first month was beautiful. You made me a priority. You told me how you felt. Then your life happened and you slowly started shutting all those things off to me except you were still talking on a basic friend level everyday." I take a deep breath "Yes, in the last couple of weeks you have started turning the communication back on but it is elusive and is not giving me a light into your feelings or even your sexual attraction. Well until your couch earlier." I look down feeling defeated as his facial expression doesn't show how my words have affected him.

I feel as if I am going to be sick as he touches the top of my hand on the table. "I didn't realize I had done all that. Why didn't you tell me?" he says quietly but firmly

"I did. I begged you to open up to me. I begged you to give me some attention. I begged you to let me feel your emotions. But each time you had a reason why you couldn't. Each reason was legit. I knew your world was falling apart. Therefore, I stopped asking. I decided I was just going to wait and that left me with a lot of doubt about you and us. I finally accepted that I like you more than you like me." I responded in one breath scared of the consequences from my words.

"Bridget. I have craved for so long for what we have. I have wanted a woman that I could feel all the naughty things. I could do all the sexual kinky things with. I could lay in bed and wrap myself around. I could talk to about everything and nothing without fear. I did not mean to put doubt in your head but you are right with how my life has been I had no room for you. I knew I needed to keep you around but I couldn't keep you a priority and I am sorry." He looks up as he hears his name.

"Seth. Old man! What are you doing here?" the words come from a very large short man bounding towards our table with a tray and our food.

He catches a glimpse of me and whistles "And who do you have with you?" he continues

Seth stands up clears his throat and beams as brightly for him as he did with Wanda. He helps him with the plates and returns to the seat next to me. The large man sits in the booth seat across from us. "Roger, this is Bridget...my girlfriend." He introduces us as he looks into my eyes searching again.

I am not shocked this time. I want to be his girlfriend. I extend my hand. Roger stands up leans over the table and food to give me his best attempt of a bear hug. "Good to meet you. I've never seen him with a woman outside of a party." He clears his throat and catches his words "Oh wait! Does she know about the parties?"

Seth laughs "Yes, of course she does. She will be attending one soon." He says with a wink in my direction.

I am definitely blushing by this point. Thinking of a kink party while sitting across from a stranger and the only man that has ever made me feel safe enough to do the kinky things. My head is spinning with visuals and trying to maintain my composure so that we can return to the previous conversation. Roger shakes Seth's hand vigorously and walks away.

"I think he embarrassed himself" I say giggling

"I've never seen it before but I think you are right." He replies with a chuckle.

"Let's eat." I say as I pick up my very large hamburger. Fuck, it's hot. I put it back down.

He is watching me and laughs. "We might have to wait a few minutes for it to cool off." He says

I roll my eyes. I'm starving. All the teasing and then the intense conversation. I know that I will need this food if the rest of the evening goes as I want it to.

"Anyways, I want you in my life. I want you as my girlfriend. Naughty and otherwise." He says as he grabs my thigh and pulls me closer.

His face gets very close to mine and I close my eyes expecting a kiss. He pecks me on the fore head and whispers "Eat your food. You will need it for later."

Our bodies remain close together as we eat in silence. I can not taste the first several bites due to processing his answer and the possibilities of later.

The burger turns out to be the best I had ever had. Flavorful and juicy. The fries were home made at the restaurant and perfect strings. We finish them in silence. However, my brain is so loud. I finally have my answers. I can finally breathe and just enjoy him. I start unconsciously squirming in my seat. Partly from the taste of the food and from finally getting to take the shield off.

He's watching me again. Fully engrossed in my face.

"Are you ready to leave?" he asks as he finishes the last drink of his beer.

"Sure" I reply

Wanda walks up as he waves at her. He hands her cash and tells her to keep the rest. We stand. He hugs her good bye and she hugs me. As we go to walk away she grabs my hand and says in my ear. "He's a good man. He has a lot to give"

"I know. Thank you" I reply as I hug her again

I catch up to him. His eyes question me but he visibly decide not to ask. We climb back into his truck and ride back to his house in silence. Just the existence of us being in the same place with everything resolved has the stress from the last several months shedding off of me in leafs.

We park in his driveway but don't get out. He holds my hand and breathes deeply. He goes to say something and then stops. I look over at him questioning what he is thinking about. "Are you ready to go inside?" he asks.

I shrug not really caring. My mind and heart are at peace. I could exist here for hours. But I reach for my seat belt as he gets out and comes around to open my door. I jump out, into his arms, and kiss him like my life depends on it. He returns the kiss as his hands keep me steady holding my hips.