ReBirth

We were the luckiest people we knew. 'You make your own luck' was our motto. And why not? We both had secure middle income jobs. When the widow that owned the four flat building we lived in said she was thinking of selling, we made an offer. She accepted. The rent from the other three would almost cover the mortgage. We put money in our tax free retirement savings account every year. We'd retire at fifty five with no debts and income from the rentals. We had it all planned out.

We had a great, if somewhat kinky sex life.

We made our own luck, and it was good!

She was forty one. A year and three days older than me when the trains crashed. What did we do to make that bad luck?

My mother said not to do anything major for a year, until the shock was over. Good advice. I went back to work. What else could I do. 'That's what She would have wanted' I told myself.

I started walking again. I was soon going on 'our' route.

Down to the corner. Turn right on Port Ave.. Left on Harbour Way to Cedar Creek Park. Up the paved walking trail to the Mill Street gate. Follow Mill as it curves around to become Maple. Right on our street, and two blocks home. Three kilometers maybe?

Some nights I found comfort dressing in my pretty lingerie and dresses from some of our games. My favorite was 'two lesbian lovers'. Hers was a bit darker. She'd put on my suit and her nine inch cock. I'd be Sally, the Sexy Slut Schoolgirl, sent to talk to Principal Boner. "Come around behind my desk, get down and give me and oral argument why I should change your History score from 'D' minus to 'C' plus."

That game always ended with 'Sally' face down over the edge of the principal's desk desk with 'his' cock ramming her.

So, it's mid November, a Thursday. A typical mid November Southern Ontario day. No sun, not quite cold enough to snow, wind too lazy to go around, it just blows right through your clothes. The trees are just bare sticks. Blah.

'Don't be a wuss. Get going.' I tell myself. I put on my walking boots, a warm coat and toque.

Jesus! By the time I'm half way up the park I'm chilled to the bone.

A few blocks before my street I see a bar I've passed so many times I never notice it anymore, if you know what I mean. I remember She and I laughing at the name when it first opened. 'The Sixty Ninth Street Bar' on Maple.

A rye to warm me for the rest of the way home? Sure, why not?

"What the fuck you lookin' at asshole?"

I was just sitting at the bar with my drink zoning out. Guess he thought I was watching him in the mirror. "Huh? Sorry, I wasn't, er?"

"Look ass wipe, we don't need your kind in here. So fuck off."

"My kind?"

"Don't play games wish me." he was slurring his words. "I seen you homophobic la de dah better than me because I'm a queer cunts before. You can' fool me. Ya!"

"All right Bob." the bartender yelled, "That's the last straw. You Sir are banned from this bar for life. Guys, show Mr. Bob out. Now!"

Still slurring his words. "You fucking bitch. I know my fucking risesh . I'll sue you for everything you got. I don' need this piece of shit hole bar."

Several burly men, some in biker leathers, surrounded him and gently escorted him out, swearing all the way.

As this was going on, a lady with a bit too much makeup came over to the bar. "Oh, don't let Bob scare you dear. He gets like that sometimes.He's actually harmless. Hi, by the way. They call me 'Dolly'."

"Hi. I'm Sam." About that time it dawned on me this was a gay bar and Dolly was a drag queen.

"Um."

"Oh, honey, you just realized what kind of joint this is? Well don't you worry, Dolly won't let anything bad happen to you."

I realized my laugh sounded nervous.

"Ray, tell Mr. Sam he'll be safe here."

The Bartender, Ray, came over to us. "Don't worry about Bob. He's harmless. About once a month he goes off the rails, and gets banned for life. In a week or so, he'll be back begging and apologizing. Then he'll behave for another month."

One of the biker types came over. "Got him in a cab. I'll drop his car keys off at his office in the morning."

"Thanks Joseph."

Another rye appeared in front of me.

"On the house Sam. Calm your nerves."

"Sam, have you met Joseph and the boys?"

And that was my introduction to the 'Sixty Nine'.

Soon I realized that stopping before supper wasn't a good idea. I'd eat late or not at all. So, I'd walk, go home or to a restaurant and eat, then Thursday, Friday and Saturday go to the Sixty Nine.

Early December Dolly, Ray and I were talking at the bar There were a few groups yucking it up around the place. Robert was back, being nice as could be. He and Joseph were dancing to the canned music.

"Look, oh, um. See I've done a bit of, you know, um, I, uh, cross dress I guess is the word, at home. Um, would it be OK, I mean would anyone think I was making fun of them if I dressed up to come here? I mean, you know?"

Leave it to social butterfly Dolly. "Hey, listen up!" She yelled loud enough. " Sam wants to come out! Everyone OK with that?"

I tried melting into the floor. A long silence. It seemed long anyway. Shit. Then someone yelled "Go for it Baby!" and everyone cheered, laughed and clapped.

All my outfits were girly slutty and I'd never gone outside in drag.

I went to the consignment store Dolly had told me about and bought a dress that was more appropriate for my age. The lady who ran it, Marageret, didn't seem at all surprised I wanted a dress.

There was a smoky blue one with paired vertical thin light blue and white stripes. It's hem was just below my knees.

I could just suck in my gut enough to do up my black corset. The dress came with a blue leather belt I could snug up. My natural pantyhose and beige three inch pumps on my feet.

I bought new makeup. subtle eye treatment.

From the top shelf of our closet I took down Her jewelry box. I took off the tiny diamond ear studs She gave me on out third anniversary, and replaced them with Her gold pendulum earrings. They had a fine two inch gold chain supporting clear red plastic one inch hearts. No rings or bracelets this time.

Wish I had a feminine coat. I'd sent all of Her clothes to the Sally Ann.

I chose Tuesday night. A hard decision. Tuesdays were always slow, so ease into it, or the weekend when there'd be a crowd I could blend into.

The usual suspects were there. Thank God nobody clapped as I slunk in.

Joseph and Robert came over to the bar as Ray mixed my drink.

"My, don't you scrub up nice."

"See, Robert, you could look just as pretty."

"Oh, don't start that again, Love."

Ray handed me a pink girly drink with a little umbrella.

"Well my dear, don't you look nice."

"Hi, Dolly. You approve?"

"Darling you look DI vine! Now, what's your lady name?"

"My wife called me Sally."

"I thinks she looks like a Mary."

" Oh, I think Jane."

"Too dull Joseph, I think 'Lola'."

"Yes, definitely a Lola."

From then on I was Lola at the club.

I went to see Margaret at the consignment store.

"Now tell me dear, what are you looking for? Anything in particular?"

"A nice winter coat, you know, dress up, feminine."

"Jacket? Full length?"

"Yes, full length or knee length."

"What price range were you thinking?"

"God. I don't know. Middle to upper? Does that sound OK?"

"Joy, put down your phone and help that lady who just came in. I'm with this lady." And in a quiet voice. "Cell phones. I swear a blessing and a curse with young people."

There was a knee length camel hair with a big soft raccoon collar I could barely take off. It or the red leather with the mink trim around it's hood. The camel hair won.

Saturday we were standing around as the live band was setting up.

"Dianne!" Dolly rushed over to a short red head that had just come in.

"Oo, haven't seen her in ages." Said Timmy, the little blond flamer. "I'd even go straight if I could cuddle that gorgeous body."

"You little cocksucker. (laugh)."

"Thank you. Just what I wanted. Recognition!"

We all laughed. He and Karen are always bouncing stuff like that back and forth.

"Dianne, this is Lola. Lola, Dianne."

I wasn't sure whether to shake hands or not. "Hi Dianne, nice to meet you."

"Good to meet you Lola. Let me grab a drink. Be right back."

Cute girl. Lesbian? Didn't matter, I wasn't looking for a relationship. OK I lie.

We talked. When she slipped off her poncho. Timmy was right. Quite a snug shapely little frame.

We pulled a few tables together.

Surprise, Ray sent a bottle of bubbly over.

"What's the occasion Ray?"

"Well, you're back. And it's Lola's coming out party."

"Really?"

"No. Not really. I've been coming here in drag for ages."

"And by ages she means two weeks."

"Shut UP Dolly."

We all had a good laugh.

"So Dianne? Where have you been? It's been ages."

"Someone went on maternity leave, then one of the nurses was fired for stealing drugs, so I got stuck on three to eleven until they hired a new nurse. Now we're back on a two week rotation."

"We missed you." Trilled Timmy

"Oh, I missed you too sweetie."

He blushed and giggled.

Friday afternoon. "Sam, Margaret here. Someone just brought a whole van load of beautiful clothes. I thought of you as soon as I saw them. They wanted a quick sale. Can you come in tomorrow?"

"Sure! You open at nine Saturday?"

"Get here by eight if you can. I'll let you in early."

I woke at my usual six, had a coffee and a bowl of cereal. I shoveled the walk, blew the snow from the parking lot. Brushed off my Ford Focus. Then I went back in and changed into my below the knee, long sleeve,dark green and grey printed dress. I feel like a brunet today, so my long straight shoulder length wig. Two inch heel dove grey ankle boots and away I go.

When she let me in, Margaret and her girl were hanging up clothes in preparation for the day.

"Take a short break Joy. Then if I'm still busy with this lady at nine unlock the door. And, dear, don't forget to turn the 'open' sign.

I found a mid thigh blue plaid wool skirt and a bronze satin blouse. I'd just added a white silk blouse with a pink floral print to my collection.

"Come look at this. I set it aside until you could see it. Have you ever worn fur?"

'It' was a red fox jacket. Collarless, big shoulders. "Here. Try it on."

In front of the full length mirror I put my palms flat on my shoulders and stroked slowly down the soft sensual fur. Oh My God! I don't think I've ever felt so sexy and elegant. My emotional response was cuddly, warm and every other yummy feeling. "Mm soft!"

"I thought of you as soon as I saw it."

"How much?"

Margaret told me the asking price, then said she'd cut her commission in half for me.

"BUY IT YOU IDIOT!" my Mastercard yelled from my purse.

I wore my new skirt and silk blouse. On my feet were my silver three inch pumps.

Dianne jumped up and gave me a big hug, whispering in my ear, "I just had to feel the fur."

Timmy trilled,"Oo, who do I have to fuck to get a fur coat like that?"

It was another live music night at the Sixty Nine. Skinny black bass guitar player, an old hippy on keyboard, and a chubby white gal with a syrupy voice sang the blues.

I asked Dianne to dance. First time I'd danced since She was gone. It was nice.

I danced with Dolly, Timmy and everyone before the night was finished.

When we all headed home Dianne noticed I walked past the parking lot beside the club.

"Hey, Lola, Need a ride?"

"Only a few blocks, but ya, thanks."

When she pulled up in front there was an awkward moment.

"Well, thanks for the lift."

"Anytime."

"Um, would you like to go out for dinner sometime?"

"Mm. Can I think about it?"

"Ya. Sure." Oh well, I tried.

Sunday, since I wasn't going out, I dressed in my pink velvet, shoulder-less, short sleeve,snug mini dress and four inch pink ankle strap stilettos. The dress lets my long blond wig tickle my neck and shoulders. I continually brush hair out of my eyes. Go for the slut look with too much makeup and long lashes.

Not 'age appropriate' but I'm not going out and it feels good remembering being Her sissy slut maid.

The phone rings. Who ever phones me?

"Hello?"

"Hi. It's Dianne. How are you Lola. Or should I say Sam?"

"Dianne! Hi. How did you get my number?"

"I have my ways. If I told you, I'd have to kill you." Laugh.

"OK Lady of mystery. So, what's happening?"

"I was thinking, we could go out for dinner some time. Dutch treat. Not a date, you understand, just friends , you understand."

"Ya. Sure. Um, how's Wednesday for you?"

"Uh, sure. lets meet at the Sixty Nine at six, then go from there. I'll drive."

"Sounds good. See ya then."

Well, sure. Maybe I wasn't dating material. Middle aged, dull as dishwater, not a manly man.

So, who's Dianne want to go out with? Sam or Lola? What the fuck. I'd rather be Lola.

My Betty Page wig, gold button earrings and a gold chain necklace. My dark green print dress. Three inch ivory pumps. My camel hair coat.

She was already at the Sixty Nine chatting with Timmy and Dolly when I got there. I grabbed a glass of Chardonnay and joined them.

Dianne was wearing a pastel green scoop collar angora sweater and a grey green knee length skirt. She had mid calf high white leather boots with spike heels.

The four of us chatted for a while.

"Hungry? I'm famished. Lets go. See ya ladies."

Timmy looked surprised as we walked away.

We had a nice time. Got to know more about each other. I told her about losing my wife. She told me she was divorced and not good at relationships. She'd traveled a fair bit. Package tours, that sort of thing. Mother and father still lived here, a sister, married, on the west coast.

She had a very expressive face and a beautiful smile.

I kept reminding myself 'this is not a date, don't get your hopes up.' It was a lie to myself.

Back at my place, just as I was about to get out of her car she surprised me.

"This was nice, Lola. Maybe if you called me sometime I might consider going out on a date with you.."

"Um, I'd like that. Can I have your phone number? I didn't look at the call display when you called."

"Here, I'll call again. The missed call is me."

Dianne said she's be on the night shift for the next two weeks, so wouldn't be available, kissed me on the cheek and said she's see me at the club on the twenty eighth.

Meanwhile, I've become more secure in myself. I started doing the shopping as Lola. No one even noticed a middle aged well dressed lady in the supermarket or the mall. The first time of course took the most guts, but the liberation was all worth it.

Same old, same old at the Sixty Nine. Dolly was over the moon because her estranged father contacted her and asked her to come for diner.

Big news, Joseph and Bob announced their engagement.

Dianne was already there on the twenty eighth. Two tables were pulled together.

Timmy got some smirks from the straights that were slumming it 'at that gay bar on Maple'.

He wore black satin culottes, heels, and a see through pink blouse over a black lace bra.

One of the twenty something year old straight girls asked him to dance. She at first looked a bit flustered when Timmy laid his head on her shoulder and his hands slid down to her tush. Her friends at the bar thought it was hilarious.

Dianne nudged me as we danced and tilted her head towards Karen. She had a cold angry smile as she watched Timmy and the girl dance. Did she have deeper feelings for the little queer than she let on?

As we stepped outside Dianne took my hand. "Come on, I'll drive you home. As we drove I said,"Want to go out with me next Friday?"

"You mean on a date?"

"Yes, a date."

"Sure. What time will you come for me?"

I took her to the Italian restaurant on Wellington, just west of Queen. We talked and talked. Turns out we have similar taste in movies and books, but not in movies. We didn't get into anything too personal. We covered all that on our non date. When we got to her place I walked her to the building's foyer and we kissed.

"Why don't you come for Sunday dinner?"

"Love to. What can I bring?"

"How about the wine? A Merlot? Come about six."

"Great!"

"Oh, and dear? Do you have a short skirt? I'd love to see your legs."

I blushed and ran for my car.

Well, this calls for a visit to Margaret's store.

"Oh,a dinner date at her place. Well, I'm glad. She needs this. She must really trust you. Here, try this one on. Elegant but not too dressy. I wouldn't go any shorter than knee length for a lady of your age."

I tried on three or four. Bought a white sundress with big pink polka dots for next summer, and the first one she showed me.

There must be two yards of powder blue velvet in gentle sensuous folds around it's hem. It gathers at the waist, then tapers up to a modestly scooped neck line. The sleeves are powder blue chiffon gathered at my wrists by velvet cuffs. I wear my pink corset, pink bra and panty set, and charcoal nylons held up by the corset's integral garter straps. I've been waiting for an excuse to wear my French blue taper heel pointed toe pumps I bought at the mall two weeks ago. My virgin time buying new shoes at a store.

Pearl pink lip gloss. Subtle makeup. Red stick on nails.

The pendulum earrings with the little red hearts and a gold chain necklace are my favorite going out jewelry. I no longer think of any of it as Her jewelry.

Adjust my blond pixie wig, slip into my fur, purse and keys and I'm away.

Dianne buzzed me into her building, and when I got off the elevator was waiting with the door to her apartment open.

Mm. More velvet. She's wearing a snug little black cocktail dress, with a hem several inches above her knees. On her feet are black ankle strap heels with clear acrylic platform soles. Damn she's beautiful. We hug and kiss.

"I love your coat. I could hug you all night just to feel the fur."

"Want to try it on?"

Of course it was too big, but she did the same as I do whenever I put it on. She stroked the soft sensual fur.

"I've got to ask Margaret to keep me in mind next time she gets a fur in."

"Ya. Now I know where you got my phone number."

Oo. Sneaky."

We laugh.

Everything was going great. We had some wine as the veggies cooked. Dianne's cooking was excellent. We retired to the couch. More wine and kissing.

Then something happened. What was it?

Dianne suddenly stiffened up, the pushed me back. What had I done?

"I can't. I just can't."

"What. What did I do? Am I moving too fast?"

"No,no. It's not you, it's me. I can't have a normal relationship. It's all me."

"What? I don't understand.Look we can work this out."

"Here! I'll show you." She stood, turned to face me. "I'm a freak!"

"No you're not."

"See!" She pulled up the hem of her dress.

Under the sheer red panty material was the long round bulge of a cock going up the left side from the Y almost to the waist band.

"See! See!" she began to sob. "I'm a fucking monster! I'm not a woman, not a man. I'm a freak. A fucking shemale. Leave. leave! I'm no good for anyone." She was overcome and began to wail, covering her face with her hands. "Just go."

I stood and wrapped her in my arms as gently as I could.

"Dianne, Dianne, it doesn't matter. You're not a freak. You're you. Shh now. It's OK."

And we've been together since that night. Sometime maybe she'll tell you the rest of the story.