Reclaiming Sofia

Wait. Would it be bad if he had?   She wasn't sure. Even after 'since'.

"Well, it's been a hot day and I was about to have a beer, Ryan. I have Coors or a Canadian IPA or Guinness."

Sofia actually knew little about beer, preferring wine and coolers, but she'd picked up a random selection at the liquor store.

"You know, a Guinness would be very good about now. Thank you."

Sofia, daring greatly, had sat on the sofa, near the middle. To her disappointment, Ryan chose a separate chair. They chatted casually - work, relatives, Maria's job prospects, the Aces.

The timer rang in the kitchen.

The talk continued through the meal, then slowly died over after-dinner coffee. Seeing her lost in thought, Ryan waited.

Sofia had already pushed her envelope with inviting the boy for dinner, doubled down with a seductive dress. While enjoying herself, she was inwardly despondent at the evening not flowing more smoothly, progressing further into...

And was she ready for what she hoped for?

Had last week been a fluke?

For a moment it seemed to her that she was witnessing a play with herself just playing a part she couldn't control. Even knowing that Ryan was attracted, doubt and uncertainty filled her mind.

She took a deep breath, looked up to see comforting eyes watching her over the rim of his coffee cup.

"Hey," he said, stretching out his hand, placing it palm-up on the table between them. She hesitated, took his hand and pulled him to his feet. Wondering, the man let himself be led over to the sofa, pulling him down beside her. She shivered a little.

"Sofia." His voice was soft.

Her head hung down, shaking from side to side, uncertainty in her movement. Ryan wondered, decided, put a fingertip under her chin.

"Hey, Sofia?"

His finger gently lifted her chin.

Those soft brown eyes rose to meet his. To his surprised and discomfort, there were the beginnings of tears in them.

"What did I do?"

Sofia found his voice soft, concerned, empathetic. She turned her chin away from his hand, leaned in towards him, rested her head on his shoulder. There was a soft sniff.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I'm... I'm just messed up. I mean..."

He felt her body tremble, put his arms around her, hugged gently.

"Was I going too fast, Sofia? I'm sorry. I thought...."

She pushed away, held him by his arms, locked eyes.

"No. You weren't going too fast. It's my fault. I wanted... Oh, shit! I still want..."

His hand again brushed her cheek and she felt some control returning.

"It's OK, Sofia. You don't have to explain. You don't every have to apologize. You've been hurt and you needn't apologize for that, either."

He paused a moment, continued.

"What can I do?"

Her tears had stopped at his words.

You have to trust somebody, girl.   she thought to herself. She lowered her head again, spoke very softly.

"I'm afraid, Ryan. Afraid of me, of what I've become -- and..." her voice dropping to the merest whisper, "afraid of you."

Shocked, he pulled his arms away, leaned back.

"Of me? Why?"

She shook her head, grasped his forearms, pulled them back around her waist.

"No. No, I know you wouldn't ever mean to hurt me, Ryan. But I'm scared... I don't know, scared about how you see me."

She against leaned into his chest, felt the silence around them as the boy thought.

"I see you as intelligent and pretty and brave, Sofia."

Her head turned up, just a fraction. He could see one eye peering at him.

"Brave?"

"Very. You've carried this alone for a long time. That's bravery, I think."

Warmed by his words, she turned her head more. Both eyes now stared up at him.

"You mean that?"

Ryan thought deeply, came to a sudden conclusion, like a crystal dropped into a supersaturated solution.

"I love you, Sofia. I want what's best for you."

Those brown eyes opened very, very wide.

It was hard for the girl to think of herself as loveable.

"Love? Me?"

"Love," he affirmed, a smile now on his lips. "You -- Sofia Garza."

The strength of her embrace startled the boy, almost knocked him over on the couch. To his amazement, Sofia was crying in earnest now.

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey! It's OK." Instinctively, he ran his hand over her hair again, comforting.

She pulled away suddenly. To his surprise, Ryan saw a goofy grin on her face.

"This is becoming a habit, Deputy. Girl falls apart, boy strokes her head, things improve."

She looks so vulnerable,  he thought.

He pulled her into a soft hug.

"What is it? Will you tell me what's wrong? What can I do?"

"Wait a minute. No, just wait."

He watched as she went into the kitchen, found a tissue and blew her nose. Another tissue dabbed at her eyes as she returned, knelt in front of him on the floor and laid her head on his knees.

"Will you just listen for a minute, please? Just let me say something I need to say. To you."

"Of course."

"I've been a robot for two years, Ryan." Her voice was barely audible above the soft air conditioning. "It walks, it talks, it slices and dices and it's all an act. I haven't felt real for two years. 'Real' hurts and feelings are dangerous, so you keep those locked away."

Silent, he trailed one hand over the side of her head.

"Then you come along and I let myself, maybe, hope a little. He's cute and he's a gentleman and he's patient with me and dammit, why can't I behave like a real woman?"   Her voice rose, became almost shill at the end.

"What do you mean?" he whispered back.

She looked up at him, her face almost taut.

"OK, truth or dare, Ryan."

Whoa!   he thought to himself. Where is this going?

"Truth," he said carefully.

"Truth. Fine. Ryan, the truth -- am I pretty?"

"I just said you were, Sofia." She could sense the confusion in his voice.

She turned away again, dropped again to a whisper.

"Ryan, when I invited you here, I had some hopes..." Her voice trailed off and he couldn't hear what she was saying.

"Hopes, Sofia?"

"I'm sick of being that cold, professional bitch Lieutenant Garza who never allows her emotions to show. I hate it!"

Her eyes filled with tears again.

"I want the old me back, Ryan. I want to be happy, I want to be a girl that boys like to look at and I don't want to be dragging this all over for the rest of my life and why in hell am I saying all this?"

Her head again fell on his knees.

"I'm a fucking failure," she whispered.

It was the first word of serious profanity he'd heard her utter and it shocked him.

"Hey. I don't think you're a failure, Sofia. Being professional and stuff is just one side of who you are."

"I suck at 'girl', Ryan. And I suck at love and life. I wish... I just wish..."

The boy reached down, lifted her off his knees, caught her head with his hands and gently turned it up towards him.

"I think you do 'girl' pretty well, Lieutenant."

He deliberately let his gaze drop for a long two-count to her bosom under the black dress

"Real good, to be honest." He raised his eyes.

"And you had me convinced last week, I thought."

It sounded stilted, unconvincing to him, but he had no idea of what else to say.

Her eyes stared at him, liquid brown uncertainty. She whispered her deepest fear.

"So... so why haven't you made a pass at me tonight?"

He could feel that this was not a quip or joke, thought how to reply.

"Um, 'cause I didn't think we -- you -- were ready?"

He sensed his words running around the inside of her head as she spoke.

"Are you? Ready, I mean? You don't think my being crazy...?"

His fingertip closed her lips, cut her off.

"I don't think you're crazy, Sofia. I think you've been wounded and are carrying a lot of doubt and pain and that is making you uncertain, especially about yourself."

"But," she said, staring at him, "you were ready? You wanted me? You really like me? Tell me that much, at least."

The man bent forward, kissed her forehead softly.

"You know I did, Sofia." He paused, then, "I still do."

Still unsure, still hesitant, she replied.

"But, why?"

With that, he rose, picked her up in his arms and stepped into the hallway. There was a full-length mirror there, he lowered her to face it, stepped behind her.

"This is why, Sofia." His hand gestured, running up and down beside her, pointing at her.

"You're very pretty, Sofia Garza. And you're smart, which really matters, too. You smile nicely. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel like I'm doing 'boy' pretty well."

She giggled at that last, looked at him in the mirror. A small smile appeared on her face now.

"I think you do 'boy' very well, Ryan."

"Look," he replied, smiling. He pointed into the mirror at her image. "You're a lovely woman -- great eyes. nice figure, great legs. And you're a nice person,  Sofia. I like you.

"So, yeah, Ryan was, erm, 'ready'."

You gotta start sometime, kid!  her inner voice whispered to her. Try. He's a good man. You have to trust somebody or be dying alone forever.

Summoning her courage, the girl turned in his arms, looked up at him, whispered again.

"The zipper's on the left, Ryan."

The boy's eyes opened wide, then he smiled. His lips came to hers and she felt his hand search for the zipper tab.

His kiss was soft as a kitten, gentle, promising much, demanding little.

Sofia reached up, pulled his head down towards him, opened her mouth, swept her tongue over already-opening lips. She felt the always-curious tickle of the zipper opening down her flank, pulled his mouth down against her still harder.

With his kiss came confidence, a feeling she would not disappoint.

Her dress was being held up by the press of their bodies together. Sofia backed away inch and it slithered down between them, landing about her ankles, leaving her clad only in a slip of black thong.

Always wear nice underwear on dates!  she smiled to herself.

She stepped free and kicked the dress with its built-in bra to one side.

Ryan's eyes ran over her body, her face, back to her body. She could feel his approval, his desire. As she flowed into his arms, she felt the warmth of the man's palm on her breast.

His kisses were passionate now, but still careful.

She pulled away, raised her hands to his belt. He continued to work her boobs, gently, slowly. His cords fell away, followed by his boxers. He tried to shake his feet out of the legs, started to trip. Sofia caught his arm, steadied him and his laugh delighted her. The end of his organ protruded between his shirt-tails now, red, meaty.

Chuckling to herself, she ran a soft fingertip along its underside, lifting it, letting it fall. She smiled at the way it bounced.

"Take that silly shirt off, Ryan!"

The man was smiling, but still hesitated, apparently still concerned.

"Are you sure, Sofia?"

"No I'm not and yes I am and, godammit, Ryan, take me to bed! Now! Before I lose my courage!"

Hesitating no longer, his hand closed again on her breast, thumb tickling a suddenly taut nipple. She felt a shiver run down her body, her legs, felt her thighs and tummy tighten, her labia swell.

It's been so long!   she thought. She pushed aside some last remaining uncertainties, held his head still to kiss him again as his hands struggled with buttons and sleeves.

Then his shirt was gone and she was in his arms and into the bedroom. She allowed herself a small squeal of girlish delight as she fell the last six inches onto the bed.

She felt his hardness stroke the side of her hip as she fell. Looking to him now, she paused, swallowed. Two years of invisible chains rattled in the dungeons of her mind.

Ryan sensed her momentary hesitation. He rolled back a handbreadth, left one hand on her cheek.

"Whatever you want, Sofia. I understand. Say No and it'll be OK. I'd like it if you stayed, though."

Sofia felt the gentleness, the consideration in his words and brushed away her last worries. She reached out with both arms in invitation.

His kiss was more than she had expected, less than she wanted. She pulled his head harder onto hers, one hand holding it in place as her tongue danced with his, explored his teeth. Her other hand ran up and down his side, delighting in the texture of male skin.

Ryan rolled to one side, pulled away for a moment, allowed his eyes to openly run up and down the girl's body.

"Beautiful!" he breathed and her spirit rose still more at that one word before his lips again found hers.

Sofia hissed slightly as Ryan's hand swept lightly over her body beside his, palm and fingers drifting over her neck, her shoulder, her breasts, her tummy. It paused briefly over her mound, pressed down slightly and shifted in a gentle circle, dragging her mound and her labia just a little. To her disappointment, the hand moved on, caressed a hip before being lifted to her face again to begin anew.

And again. It seemed to her that he was in no hurry, was more concerned for her -- such a wonderful comfort and reassurance!

From the corner of her eye, she saw his neglected phallus. She stretched, found its head, but couldn't reach further. She tried to shift, but Ryan held her in place and she began to play with it. She could feel its heat with her fingers, traced the tiny slit at its tip, squeezed the head, its rim stiff and almost sharp with the man's desire.

Ryan broke their kiss, shifted slightly, moved his head down her body, tongue trailing on her skin. She moaned softly, tried to concentrate on how good it felt - and it did!   She traced one fingertip around Ryan's crown, stroking and teasing that most sensitive triangle of flesh.

A hard squeeze, a featherlight tease. Repeat.

Again and she felt him quiver with pleasure.

Ryan shifted his body again, his lips finding her breasts. Around one, around the other, not nearly up to the nipples yet. The girl desperately wanted his lips and tongue on her; her buds were hard as rose granite pebbles now, aching, waiting, eager.

She found she could reach further down his sex, slid soft fingers down his shaft, squeezed, moved further down to run fingers over, then behind his wrinkled sac. Again, she could feel the boy's reaction, hear his soft hiss of approval.

His mouth circled higher on a breast. Sofia gave a happy cry when her nipple slid between his lips. At the same time, Ryan's palm covered her other breast, squeezed gently. His tongue and lips began to play with her flesh, slowly, gently, and, to her mind, perfectly. More than mere desire now, she felt a hollow need growing within her. She mewed softly as his hand left her breast, slid over her stomach and unerringly found her sex.

She gave a low sob as a finger traced its way over and around her pearl, soft, knowing, caring. Twice, thrice, then it moved on, found her entrance, probed.

The girl clutched his shaft and began pumping that softest of skins up and down an oaken core, Ryan's tongue on her nipple paused for a moment, then his teeth nipped her, very gently, and she heard him chuckle before starting again.

The young woman's world filled with trumpets and sunlight, endless bright pleasure looming over her. She gave a low scream of loss when the man pulled away, leaving her shaking on the very brink

"Ryan! No!" she gasped as he hopped nimbly to his feet beside the bed, the engorged thing between his legs swinging as he moved.

Her complaint turned to a low, delighted chuckle as the boy seized her ankles and pulled her towards him, stopping when her bum was almost off the edge of the mattress.

In an instant, he was kneeling in front of her, hands holding her thighs high and apart.

Sofia gasped as she felt his beard on her inner thighs, moaned as his mouth found her sex. Her hands reached down, caught his head, pulled him in.

Long, slow, full-width strokes of her tongue, up, up, then his pointed tongue tip circled and teased and pleased her pearl, around, around and back down to start again and Sofia's world became majestic, golden in the night, radiant, with massed choirs and endless sunrises and soaring further and upwards...

Ryan continued to work her, push her further, smiling to himself as the bedroom filled with her exultant cries.

He pulled away, stood, took a moment to admire the sight of the woman in front of him, eyes closed, breasts rising and falling as she gasped for air, her breasts and stomach and forehead covered with perspiration, the smile on her lips sweet as desert honey.

He shifted his hands from her thighs to her ankles, held her legs further apart, smiled at the perfection of her wet flower and stepped forward. His tip entered between her lips and Ryan saw the amazement in brown eyes suddenly opening to stare at him.

"Ryan..."

"I know," he whispered. "I know."

Still pantting in her orgasm, the girl felt herself stretched, filled, stretched more, until her cries were replaced with wordless shouts of elation.

The girl's shouts turned to almost feral roars as the boy began to pound heavily into her. Her breasts shook, shimmied each time he drove home.

Holding her legs up, Ryan could see his length moving in and out of sweet lips, the semi-focused stare of a lovely woman far gone in her own ecstasy. He could smell their mingled juices now, gloried in the feeling of her ribbed lining slipping over and around his cock. He felt the familiar heat begin to grow inside, focused on it, began to drive for his own pleasure now.

Again and again and again and, dimly, as it witnessing it through a golden window, the girl felt him slow, stop, felt his length shudder with his own peak and the two of them were cuddled then under the covers, still linked, still smiling in that sweetest of sleeps.

+

Ryan awoke in the darkness, felt the unfamiliar presence of another beside him, smiled as he realized who it was.

The smile dropped as Sofia's body shifted, began to thrash back and forth. Fully awake now, he could sense distress, hear her moaning and protesting.

Taking her shoulder, he began to shake her, gently but insistently.

"Sofia! Wake up, Sofia! You're having a nightmare!"

In the dim light through the sheers, he could see her eyes pop open, flip back and forth, settle on him in the pre-dawn gloom. Her arms grabbed him around the neck, pulled him down into a desperate embrace. He could feel her quaking, her heart pounding.

Ryan petted her, tried to comfort her, felt her gradually relax.

"It's OK, baby. I'm right here."

The shuddering gradually died away. Oddly, Ryan thought, she hadn't cried.

Sofia shifted, put her head on his shoulder, fingers running up and down his chest. His hands ran softly over her head, through her tangled hair, along the soft skin of shoulders and back.

After a while, trying to break the silence, he whispered gently.

"Bad one?"

The strength of her squeeze surprised him.

"Oh, Jesus, Ryan! I hate it!"

The stream of words poured from the man, comforting words spoken by mothers and lovers since the dawn of time. "It's all right, Sofia. It was just a dream. You're OK. I'm here. I love you."

Sofia relaxed, lay silently now, her hand still over his heart. He felt the tension in her body gradually fade.

"You don't have to say anything, Sofia. Not unless you want to. But if you ever want to talk, I'm here." He squeezed her gently, felt her shift beside him.

A long, long pause in the dimness, then her voice was the barest whisper.

"I killed somebody. Ryan."

He thought about that, thought about this being the first time she had trusted him enough to open that terrifying door, even just a crack.

"Um, it's war, my love. You're an officer. You're a..."