Red Roses Ch. 02 - White Roses

"But she's still with him."

"Yeah."

I sighed. "Then how I feel or don't feel doesn't mean much, Jan. Look, I said I would tell her and I will."

She gave me a hug. "Okay, Justin. Just don't let your last words her be spoken in anger."

Rather than have a big get-together and celebrate a going away with everyone, I had two smaller sessions—just quiet dinners with my friends. I had already planned to come back in about six months to visit my folks and I told everyone I would try to see them then. One by one, they shook my hand or hugged me for the last time.

The day before I was supposed to leave, I went and sat in my car. I'd already shipped my household goods and sold my condo through a company program (giving me the option to buy it back if I returned). I was staying with my folks for the last few nights and in their small house, there was no privacy, so I hid out in the driver's seat. I stared at the phone, took a deep breath, and hit her contact number.

I expected to get her voice mail but through some quirk of fate, she answered. "Hello?"

"Hi, Trish."

"Justin."

I closed my eyes. Just 'Justin.' No 'Hey' or 'buddy.' Not anymore. I said, "I need to talk to you for a few minutes."

"I can't, I'm busy."

"This is important, Trish. Five minutes."

"Okay, talk."

"This needs to be said in person."

She was silent.

I sighed again. "Look, I don't mean to intrude on your plans. I just need to a few minutes of your time, just this once. You still get home around six?"

"Yes."

"Let me meet you at your house at six. I'll be gone before ten after."

She huffed into the phone. "All right, see you then."

"Okay, bye."

She hung up without another word.

I told myself that I should look at this as ripping the bandaid off. Get it over with and move on. The trouble was, ripping off this bandaid might well rip out the vital organs along with it.

I got to Trish's house ten minutes early and was relieved to find her car already there, which meant I wouldn't sit there and twist myself into knots. I got out of the car. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely get the door shut. That thought brought a spark of anger. I might have pushed Trish past her comfortable limits but she'd since shut me out. This whole thing was her idea and she owned the state of affairs as much as I did. The irritation wasn't enough to make me enraged at her but it did steady my nerves. Still, I made sure I was calm before I stepped on her porch.

I knocked on her front door.

She answered. She had already changed from work and now wore a tee shirt and jeans. She had her hair in a simple ponytail and she was so beautiful that for a moment, my carefully rehearsed speech was lost in the welter of my thoughts. It was only when Trish said something that I recovered my focus. "Sorry?"

Irritation crossed her face. "I said, it must have been Casual Day at work for you."

"I didn't go to work."

She shrugged, as if she didn't care either way.

I waited for a moment. "May I come in?"

Trish prickled but stood aside to let me in.

I walked into the living room. My eyes fell on the carpet, where I had fucked her on all fours that first wonderful night. The vision of us together flashed through my brain but I shook it away.

Trish crossed her arms and stared at me, expectantly.

"Trish, I'll make this fast. My company is opening a new branch office in Tampa and they asked me to move there as the lead engineer. I leave tomorrow."

Her eyes widened. "You're leaving Atlanta?"

"Yes."

"But...your parents?"

I thought her tone hinted that she had started to say something else but maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part. I said, "Mom and Dad already know and they made peace with it. I told our friends and while they're all disappointed that I'll be gone, they know it's a good opportunity."

She stared at me, mute. I couldn't read the expression on her face.

"I saved you until last, Trish. You've been my best friend forever. I know things have been...complicated between us lately, and for that, I'm sorry. I'm unbelievably sorry that we let what was a good friendship fall by the wayside."

Trish opened her mouth to speak but I held up my hand and she stilled. "This isn't easy to say. I probably shouldn't even say it but I have to. Trish, I love you. No, not even that. I'm in love with you. Somewhere along the way, it stopped being about friendship and started being about the person I wanted to spend my life with. I don't think it's due all that—" I made a vague gesture with my hands. "—business we got involved in, though it did help in one way. I think it forced my hand. It opened my eyes to the truth that was there in front of me the whole time."

Tears pooled in her eyes and her lips trembled.

"I'm sorry about everything that hurt you, Trish, but I'm not sorry for falling in love with you. I wish you felt the same way or even wanted to, but I understand. I hope you find the person that makes you as happy as you make me, whether that's Matthew or someone else. No matter what happens, you'll always be my friend and have a special place in my heart."

My words exhausted, I gazed at her, drinking in her face, the perfect curvature of her cheeks, the depth of her eyes, the fullness of her now-quivering lips. I committed her to my memory, where I knew she'd reside. I wanted to give her one last hug but I had no idea how she would react, so I simply said, "Take care, Trish."

I walked out of the house before I lost it.

#

Settling into both the apartment and the job in Tampa weren't as hard as I expected. A house is a house, and my neighbors seemed like decent, quiet people. Half the staff in the office were from our main office, with a few new hires and a couple of folks from the Washington DC branch, so I knew most of the folks there, either in person, or by reputation, and the newcomers all seemed to fit in with the team well. For the first month or so, we worked about twelve hours a day, with our hair on fire. Barry Johnson was a slave-driver but I liked his no-nonsense approach to business. I think I got to know everyone in every contracting office on the air force base on a first-name basis. I barely had time to eat, sleep, or even breathe for that first few weeks but as the pace of operations slowed, I found myself with more and more time on my hands.

Mom called to check on me every few days. I heard from our friends and did a video stream with Marty and Jan. It was good to see friendly faces.

I thought about Trish daily and I missed her, though it was different than the burning loss I'd felt while I was still in Atlanta. Not being immersed in the familiar surroundings we'd shared made it easier. After that first month, it faded to a dull ache. In a way, I was glad. It seemed best to let it all stay in my past. A voice in my head told me that if I did move back, I'd have to deal with it then but being years off, I figured I'd have time to adjust.

When things started to settle, I joined a darts league at the local tavern called Shooters and made some acquaintances. There were a lot of single women around—or to quote the movie, it was "a target-rich environment." But the idea of hooking up wasn't all that appealing. Still, as the spring wore into summer and I spent more time at the beach surrounded by women in bikinis and some of the more-aggressive ladies who frequented Shooters, it was a matter of time before I cracked.

Her name was Ava. She had short dark hair, a killer rack, and seemed to work her way through a lot of the guys at Shooters. She put on a full-court press one night while I was decently drunk and I caved. I barely remember anything other than laying her in her bed and banging the hell out of her while she screeched beneath me and dug her fingernails into my back. Somewhere in the back of my alcohol-saturated brain, I started thinking of Trish. My stomach lurched and grew increasingly queasy the closer my orgasm got. The moment I came, I had to jump from her bed, run to the bathroom, and vomit into her toilet. After I'd calmed down, I went back to the bedroom, only to find a scowling woman in a tee-shirt and a pair of sweats facing me.

Ava thrust my bundle of clothes at me. "Nothing makes a woman feel sexy like a guy puking during sex. Get your shit on, I'll take you home."

Her lack of empathy wasn't lost on me but I pled a combination of too much booze and a bit of a stomach bug and swore to Ava it wasn't her. My sincerity seemed to mollify her. She remained friendly to me when we crossed paths at the tavern but she never asked me for a repeat performance, which was fine by me. I chalked it up as a lesson learned. I did wonder how long Trish would be in my head but I figured that when I was ready, something would happen.

I'd been in Tampa for about five months when something did happen.

I wandered home on a Friday afternoon. We'd had a long day of negotiating with CENTCOM over some adjustments to the contract. Barry was pretty annoyed with the base contracting office, so he told us around four to call it a day, get some rest over the weekend, and we'd take it up with—as he put it—"those knuckleheads" the following Monday.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with myself. I thought about heading to Shooters but wasn't exactly feeling it. I thought maybe I'd hit the apartment complex gym and get a decent workout, then order a pizza, and stream some movies.

I'd just gotten in the door and put my briefcase down when I heard a knock. I wasn't expecting anyone but maybe one of my neighbors needed something. I walked to the door and opened it.

"Hi, Justin."

I could only get out one word. "Trish?"

She wore a short-sleeved button-down white blouse and a flowery ankle-length skirt, and had bound her hair up. She gave me a weak smile. Her hands clasped a single white rose.

I had been lying to myself. I thought I was getting over her. All I had done was bury it. The moment I saw her face, caught a whiff of her perfume, and heard her voice, all the feelings and love I had for her came roaring back so strong I wanted to gasp in pain.

I shook myself from my stunned condition. "Trish, what are you doing here?"

She extended her hands, offering the rose to me. I took it.

"Can I come in?"

I let her in, resisting the urge to laugh. Her words were almost the same as mine the night I told her I was leaving. Since I was on the receiving end this time, I wondered what heady wisdom she'd come to deliver. I said, "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Not yet." She smiled, more genuinely this time. "Last time you were at my place, I didn't offer. You never offered when we were at your condo. I was used to us both just getting something whenever we wanted. Neither of us ever had to ask at each other's house."

"Well, things had changed."

"Yes." Her smile diminished.

I pointed to the couch. "How did you find me?"

"Your parents, of course." She sat, placing her purse beside her. "My plane got in at two-thirty. I've been sitting in the rental car downstairs waiting for you."

I sat in the recliner opposite her and waited. Someone watching might have said I looked like I was going to let Trish do all the talking but in reality, I was just drinking in the sight of her.

She said, "Justin, I don't even know where to begin."

"Take your time."

"You've always been my best friend. I never doubted that. No matter what happened, I knew I could always count on you. That's why I came to you, with that plan for our, uhm, encounters."

I raised an eyebrow. "You want to talk about that now?"

Trush blushed. "It's a little uncomfortable but I have to get everything on the table."

"Okay."

"I was desperate to try it. It never crossed my mind to ask anyone but you. I wouldn't trust anyone else not to hurt me or take it too far. And that first night was so amazing, so perfect."

"I thought so too."

"The next two were okay. I loved the physical aspect but it felt like you were holding back and I didn't understand. I wondered why you would and if you were developing feelings for me." Trish bit her lip. "I admit, I wasn't sure what to make of the idea. It scared me, to be honest, because it would have changed everything. But in between encounters, you were so normal, so much like before, I figured I was imagining things."

"An act," I said. "It was getting harder and harder to pull off."

Trish nodded. "I get that now. And then came that last time together. When you pulled off the mask and I stared in your face, it all suddenly became real. Up to that point, I'd been able to keep it distant. I compartmentalized. Most of the time, you were Justin, my best friend, my compadre. Those other times, you were faceless, anonymous...almost an extension of my imagination. I kept a firm wall between the two. You blew that away in one move. You kissed me. I panicked."

"Panicked?"

"Yes. I could handle our physical closeness as long as I stayed detached. But the kiss was intimate and a promise of something other than sex. So yeah, I panicked. I even had a momentary terror that when I used the safe word, you wouldn't abide by it."

I sighed, not even angry. I was sad that she'd think that of me. "Sorry you felt that way. I thought we knew each other better than that."

"We do. I can tell that hurts you and I'm ashamed I even thought it." Tears filled her eyes. "I can only say that was my fear speaking. When I stop and think about it, I know you wouldn't betray my faith like that."

I retrieved a box of tissues, handed it to her, and resumed my seat.

Trish dabbed her eyes. "After I dropped the safe word and you left, I cried the rest of the night. I was so confused. You were my best friend and I thought we had wrecked everything. I put the card in the mail the next day and I started finding ways to distance myself from you. I know it was wrong and hurtful but it was easier than trying to face you. I kept telling myself that I just needed to stay away from you for a while until I could come to grips with everything and then we could ease back into our old friendship."

Her expression was one of melancholy. "But it was so easy, being out there, away from you, and not having to face anything. I kept finding excuses to keep it that way. I was really making excuses to go on hiding from it."

I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice but I am sure I failed. "Was that why you took up with Matthew again? To keep hiding?"

"Yes."

"I see." I had a deep desire to grill her, to find out if she'd screwed him, but it was none of my business. We weren't together and she was an adult. I knew it was just my jealousy talking. That didn't make the idea hurt any less.

She must have been reading my mind—or perhaps my tone of voice told her what I was thinking. She said, "Before you ask, yes, I slept with him once, right after you moved here. It was a disaster. I was so tangled up in emotions and confusion over you and I felt too guilty to enjoy it. I felt bad for him too because he didn't do anything wrong but I wasn't ready to get involved with anyone. It wasn't fair to him. I stopped seeing him after that."

I nodded. "Did you bring him to O'Malley's that night to keep me at bay?"

"Pretty much. I knew we'd eventually be together in the same group again. We shared all the same friends. They all figured we'd had some kind of blow-up. I hoped Matthew would give me a little protection—you know, keep the conversation civil. I admit, I kind of used him as a shield." She laughed. "It didn't work. Bri and Jill dragged me to the bathroom and ripped my ears off. They could see you were hurting over something and Matthew was making it worse. I tried to get them to see he was a nice guy."

"He is. I wanted to dislike him but I couldn't."

"Yeah." Trish lowered her eyes to the floor. "Then you left."

I raised an eyebrow. "And?"

"That's when I lost it. I had been telling myself that all I had to do was get past everything and we could get back to the way we were. I thought I had time. I didn't realize that I was on the clock until it was too late. And you told me you were in love with me."

I waited without speaking.

"I was devastated, Justin. You've always been there. Even when we were apart at college, we could reach out and talk or text. I had you in my life, every day. Then I didn't. I'd lost my favorite person in the entire world."

"I didn't leave to hurt you, Trish."

"I know." Her voice was soft. "But it still hurt. You were the one person I wanted more in my life than any other and you were gone. You don't know how many times I reached for the phone to call you, so I could hear your voice. I kept flipping through old pictures of us, just so I could see you. It was Jan and Tina who finally got me to pull my head out of my ass."

"How so?"

"When I talked to them and laid it all out, Jan started laughing. When I asked her what the problem was, she said, 'Trish, you're in love with him too.' I was stunned. I struggled against the idea. It had to be wrong. I wrestled with it for days. When I told Tina that it couldn't be true, she just shrugged and asked me why I was fighting it so hard. I couldn't answer her. Not then. I can now."

"And?"

Trish looked at me. Her voice was very small. "They're right."

I blinked. "Say what?"

"I do love you, Justin, and I'm in love with you. I can't live without you in my life."

I leaned forward and placed my elbows on my knees. I shook my head. "Trish...you're just missing the friendship we had."

Instead of arguing, to my surprise, she laughed. "Oh, I thought of that too. But that's not it. I don't miss going to the bars or playing tennis or teasing each other. I still have friends to do all that with. I miss the tone of your laugh when you're being mischievious and the grin on your face. I miss your sense of humor, your thoughtful kindness, and the shivers I get when you touch my arm. I miss the warmth I feel when you're around. I don't miss having a buddy. I miss you. It's you I want in my life, in every way. Letting myself love you scared me before, because I was too afraid to risk our awesome relationship. But it's what I want. I think you do too."

I gawked at her, not knowing what to say.

A stricken look passed over her face. "Are you seeing someone now?"

"Seeing someone? No." I thought of Ava. "I did have a one night stand a month or so back. I doubt it went any better than your last time did. I puked before it was over."

She nodded, though her expression mirrored the unhappiness I'd felt when thinking about her and Matthew. She said, "Have...have your feelings changed?"

"No. I thought I had buried them but the moment I saw you, they came roaring back. I hear what you're telling me but I'm a little overwhelmed. Trish, I don't know what to say or do here."

"Don't say anything." She stood and walked to me. "Let me show you what to do."

She offered me her hand. I took it and rose. She placed her hand on my cheek, tilted her head back, and gazed into my eyes. Trish closed her eyes and brushed her lips against mine.

I returned her soft kiss, gently moving my mouth across hers. Her tongue darted out and moistened my lips while her fingers caressed my cheek. It was a real kiss—not something born of lust but an expression of our love.

Okay, maybe a little lust too. Just holding her so close, my cock started to grow.

Trish pulled her head back. She opened her eyes again. "I didn't come down here on the spur of the moment. I thought about it for a very long time. I know now that you make me happier than anyone else ever could. I want to make you just as happy as I am. I want to fill your life with joy."

I just gazed at her, though my smile grew.

"I want you in every way possible, Justin. My best friend, my confidant, my partner-in-crime, my lover." She smiled. "My husband."