Reflections on a Painful Past Ch. 02

I borrowed a little power from Claire and put steel in my voice for that last line. Nat was going to be in trouble and I felt guilty for that, for lying about her. Claire had warned her though.

"Right... Ahem... Err, well Private, I'm glad to hear that you haven't been assaulted. I'm sorry to hear that you've been the victim of some bullying but that is something you will need to talk to your Platoon Commander or Platoon Sergeant about. It's not a medical mater."

He paused for a long while.

"Private I know this must be awfully embarrassing for you but I'm going to ask you one last time. Are you ok? We can help if you need it? Do you need our help?"

His voice was gentle. I liked this man.

"Sir! No Sir!"

-I was proud of myself then. I'm ashamed of myself now. I'd been proud that I found the strength to protect Claire, to dig myself out of my own hole even if I'd needed to borrow a little strength from her to do it. Now though, with retrospect I know that if Claire hadn't taken my strength, self confidence and even my self-respect from me, I would never have needed to borrow hers.

Now when I look back I feel sorry for the lies I told. I lied to the nice people who tried to help me. I wish I hadn't. I could have saved myself from a lot of pain to come. I lied about Natalie, who was only trying to save me. One week later, half way through her punishment for spreading rumours about me, she gave up on the military and left. I don't know what happened to her after that. At the time I was clueless but as I've grown older and hopefully a little wiser I've often suspected that Claire tried it on with Nat before she came to me. Nat was in the bed on the other side of her after all and she'd always been so quick to call Claire a 'dyke.' She had no doubt. I'm almost certain now actually. It was because of what she said when she pulled my blanket back and found me in the state I was in. Poor Nat she didn't deserve what Claire did to her and she certainly didn't deserve what I did. She was stronger than me.

I'd been a strong young woman but the problem was Claire got her hooks into me at exactly the right time. The military training regimen was designed to slowly break you apart so they could put you back together how they wanted you, with teamwork structure and discipline. But Claire found me at that one moment when I'd broken. It was the most vulnerable moment of my life. Instead of latching onto military discipline I latched onto her. Instead of being put back together the way the military wanted Claire shaped me into her plaything, her broken pet. This was only the first few months. Her abuse would go on for four years. So too would my pen go on, scratching out the details of my greatest pains, my humiliations, my nightmares and my love. Until the story is told then I will never look back again. I'm purging my demon! Get the fuck out of my heart Claire! I've carried you long enough...