Reform Pt. 01

The streetlights whizzed by, intermittently illuminating the nervous expression on Raina's face as she stared out of the car window. She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs in a restless ritual, self-soothing without much thought to her movements.

The GPS voice alerted of an upcoming turn ahead, and the car screen displayed 8 minutes remaining in the route.

"You look nervous," Cliff said.

Raina shrugged her shoulders, knowing Cliff was likely unaware of her nonverbal response in the dark car. She also shook her head quietly, but could not verbalize her dismissal of his accurate observation.

Keeping his eyes on the road, Cliff reached over and laid a hand on her left thigh, then felt around for her left hand and gave it a squeeze upon finding it.

"I'm fine," Raina replied. She was both comforted and annoyed at the gesture.

Cliff knew her well enough to interpret her tone. She was fine though not really, and she wasn't in the mood to talk about it. She was pulling into herself and any move to console her nervous demeanor would only push her further inward - an attempt Cliff wouldn't risk at this point.

They were already on the way to the Reform - nearly there - and Cliff really wanted her to enjoy herself. He released her hand and continued to follow the guided instruction to their destination.

Raina pulled down the front visor and flipped open the vanity mirror. She turned her face over slightly, tilting her chin to view the subtle makeup she had put on. She puckered her lips and reached into her bag to replenish the shimmery gloss. Her lips converged, gliding slowly to evenly spread the application.

The car pulled to a red light and idled in wait. 5 minute ETA.

Raina looked into her own eyes in the mirror. They appeared flat, but from the inside she felt them searching.

"Your lips look sexy," Cliff said. Raina turned and found him staring. The red light cast dark shadows across his relaxed face, he wasn't smiling nor appeared ironic.

Raina pressed her lips together and the corners of her mouth twitched into a brief smile.

Green light. The car moved forward.

The visor was flipped closed and the screen showed 2 minutes remaining.

A flutter quivered in Raina's chest and dropped into her stomach.

Ugh. The nervousness was an upsetting sensation. Raina felt herself withdrawing from reality and a feeling of slight repulsion was trying to attach itself to some random thought. She tried to quiet her mind of its nervous ranting in hopes of bastardizing the feeling.

When she had decided to pursue this experience, she had asked Cliff to join her and now she felt ready to demand that he turn the car around and take her home.

Well, she hadn't entirely asked him as much as he had assumed his presence would be a given. And it had seemed like a given at the time. They had both been on the topic of exploring this lifestyle - even as a singular venture and had planned the when and how without any trepidation.

Now Raina wanted to lash at him for encouraging her to be involved in such a tawdry undertaking.

Her thoughts were reeling over Cliff's responsibility for Raina choosing to do something so out of character.

But the thoughts were wrong. The feeling of disgust was wrong and misplaced and Raina needed to address them before they stepped through the doors of the waiting party.

"Pull over," she said, reaching and gently touching Cliff's arm.

"You okay?" he asked. His concern was genuine.

Raina felt the car slowing as the GPS notified the destination was just ahead on the left.

"I'm just going to go past and park up there, okay?" Cliff passed the large gated suburban home which they would soon enter and pulled the car ahead to a small row of visitors parking spots.

The car pulled into a vacant space and the headlights were cut off though it was still running.

"Let's smoke," Raina said. Her hands were shaking and she wanted to spill the tangled knots in her gut all over Cliff in hopes of receiving reassurance, but she couldn't do it sober.

"Okay. We can walk in there with a nice buzz. It will make us relaxed and enhance our experience," Cliff said lightly.

"You know it won't help me relax," she replied. In truth, the THC would serve as an uninhibitor but would simultaneously send her thoughts into overdrive.

"What will make you relax?" Cliff asked. His volume dropped a decibel and Raina resisted the impulse to turn to look at his face. She just shook her head and quickly rummaged in the clutch resting on her lap to retrieve the discreet cylinder containing the pre-rolled paraphernalia.

She placed the blunt between her lips and flicked her lighter at the tip. Heat scratched the back of her throat and she took a slow and deep pull. She closed her eyes and held the smoke in her lungs as she passed the blunt to Cliff.

Cliff accepted it and mimicked her actions.

They released at the same time and Raina began shivering slightly as the substance entered her bloodstream.

Cliff took another hit. Then another and offered the blunt to Raina who shook her head. Cliff continued for a couple more hits and Raina took the dying roach one more time before extinguishing it in the small ash container held in the glove box.

"So, I feel a little nervous and a lot of other feelings," Raina blurted in a hushed voice.

"Mmm," Cliff was visibly relaxed. His head and back were melded to the driver seat and his head pivoted to Raina as she spoke.

"I feel like I'm disconnecting a little and I don't know if I know how to be....in there."

"You can be anything you want to be in there,"

"Just listen to what I'm saying, please"

"I'm listening."

"I don't want to be on autopilot and I feel like that may happen. I don't just want to go in there and be a Watcher. But I have this feeling like I won't belong there. Like I will just be my same insecure self--"

"You're--I'm sorry to cut you off, but can I say something? You're thinking too much." Cliff didn't change his posture as he continued. "Just try to be in the moment,"

"Those words don't mean anything to me," Raina snapped. Her legs were shaking and she felt a slight annoyance at her choice to smoke and put herself in this physical state, but it also felt like something she'd needed in order to prepare herself mentally.

She needed to feel vulnerable. Though her present reaction was more a combination of becoming unhinged and desperately trying to maintain outer control.

"You don't have anything to feel insecure about. You look very sexy tonight. Walk in there like you know you're sexy. You have those big juicy lips. Your hair in those long curls make you look like a goddess. Your whole outfit is sexy. Tonight is about feeling that and having fun."

Raina nodded. "It's just ...my scars"

"They are not that bad," Cliff replied, shaking his head. "You might see someone in there with worse scars. There will probably be all kinds of body types, shapes and sizes. There could be men in there who are packing way more than me...Even though I'm a grower," both of them laughed at this.

"I don't care about what anyone else is packing," Cliff continued. "In this kind of place, everyone probably just wants to feel and experience new things. Put that out of your mind. I want you to enjoy yourself, that's why I came with you. I'm here to watch you enjoy yourself."

Raina smirked, "You also want to get your dick wet."

"I'm not saying I'm not going to enjoy myself, too. But I wanted to do this with you, " Cliff stared Raina in her eyes, as if to punctuate the final sentiment.

She shook away his gaze and he laughed.

"Did I make you cringe?" He chuckled and reached across to grab her left thigh.

Raina laughed too, and silently replayed Cliff's advice in her mind.

"When we go in," she said, moving on to her next thought, "we can look around together, but I don't think we need to stay together the whole time...."

"Okay," Cliff said.

"I don't want us to feel obligated or held back. Don't let me hold you back."

Cliff nodded, "That's cool. We are on the same page. And you already know, I don't plan to hold you back either. If I see you engaging, I'll just keep my distance. But if you feel uncomfortable at any time, let me know."

Raina pulled a fresh blunt from the discreet reservoir in her handbag. And lit the end and pulled. The beating in her chest was now from excitement.

"Do we need a safe word or anything?" Cliff joked as he accepted the joint.

"We can...," Raina said absently. She noted the huskiness in her voice now.

"Mmm, you feeling it now huh?" Cliff did not miss the change in her voice either.

"I've been feeling it, but now I'm into it," Raina relaxed her posture into the passenger seat mirroring Cliff, though she was still shivering.

She reached up to turn on the car stereo. The mood to add a soundtrack to tonight's adventure suddenly struck her, the goal was to give in to any urge or impulse for the next few hours.

They continued sharing the blunt until it burned out.. Neither of them spoke as the music and smoke circulated the car interior. The volume wasn't very loud, but the bass vibrated in sync with Raina's booming pulse.

"Do you want to be cross faded?" Cliff held up two small bottles of Jack Daniels he'd pulled from a hiding space Raina hadn't seen.

Raina looked into his eyes and nodded. A nearby streetlamp's light shone through the windshield and as their eyes met, Raina felt tempted to pull her gaze...but leaned into the moment instead.

She took both bottles from Cliff's extended hand, broke the seal on the first bottle and poured the contents into her mouth. She swallowed half and held the rest in her mouth. She leaned over the center console and stopped when her face was inches from Cliff's.

Tilting her head slightly, she exhaled through her nose, right under Cliff's so he could gather the strong smell of the whiskey.

Hmm.. Cliff sighed.

Raina pushed her mouth against Cliff's and waited as he followed through with the kiss and covered both of her lips with his - just as she liked. Raina moaned in Cliff's mouth and he gently sucked both of her lips with increasing fervor as she slowly released the remaining whiskey to drown his coaxing tongue.

She opened her mouth now and latched both her lips around Cliff's bottom and twisted her head softly side to side. She was creating a glossy tapestry with her infused saliva - her tongue the brush against the canvas of his lips.

Half of her body lay on the driver's side, leaning against Cliff's chest, as the two lapped at each other, diluting the drink with their own thirsty spit.

Raina unscrewed the second bottle and pulled away from the kiss long enough to pop the small bottle between Cliff's lips and pour.

"Don't swallow," She instructed and she heard Cliff moan softly and nod.

When the bottle was empty, Raina pushed her tongue in its place and lapped at the warm liquor he held for her.

She sucked on Cliff's tongue, bobbing her head forward and back as it stretched and stiffened inside her mouth.

After a moment, Raina pulled away and giggled at the disoriented Cliff.

"Why'd you stop?" he asked. His voice was husky now.

"That was the pre-game," Raina said. "Let's go in now. I'm ready."

Cliff adjusted his waistband and sighed deeply. "You got my dick hard already."

"Keep that energy," Raina said, reapplying the gloss to her lips in the mirror.

The car was turned back to the address on the invitation, and Cliff aligned the driver window with the gate access control.

Raina felt the same tingling of nervousness as before, and this time was not unnerved. As Cliff extended his hand to punch in a code into the control box, flashes of fantasies she had daydreamed many nights before suddenly played on fast-forward in Raina's mind.

She reached across to take Cliff's free hand and guide it to her left thigh. He pinched and scratched the skin beneath his fingers and Raina exhaled.

Tinges of euphoria and freedom began creeping in, and Cliff's rhythmic scratches on her inner thigh kept her grounded in her body.

Here they go.