Requited Ch. 05

"That's not the point!" I say again, louder this time. I jump up angrily. He gets up, too. His eyes search my face for some clue as to what is going on with me.

"Jesus," he says, "help me out here, what is the point then?"

"The point is, I don't what to do. I don't know and I want you to tell me what to do." I wasn't planning on saying this. I had no idea this is what I wanted when I came here tonight, but now that I've said it, I realise, it's exactly what I want. "Tell me what to do."

"I can't tell you what do to. You know that." He's looking at me and he's trying not to sigh. I can see he's finding me hard work tonight. I can see it, but I can't stop it.

"I need you to tell me. I need you to tell me not to get back together with Ash. I need to hear it from you."

"West, you made it clear a long time ago that when it comes to Ash, you don't want to hear things like that from me."

"Well, I do now!" I'm really, really angry. There's rage boiling inside me. I don't fully know why. I don't know why I'm feeling angry with Andy, of all people, but right now, I am, "Just tell me. Tell me what to do."

"Look, West, you're out of it, okay? You're out it, but you'll feel better in the morning. Let's talk about this tomorrow."

"No!" I'm yelling now. I'm really surprised at myself, at the same time, I can't stop. I'm not going to stop until I hear it from him, "Tell me right now if you think I should spend the rest of my life with Ash. I want to hear you to say it."

He takes a step back, moving away from me. Getting some space. He looks at me slowly. He opens his mouth and closes it, then opens it again. This time, he speaks.

"No." He says quietly, "I don't think Ashleigh's the right person for you."

Before I can answer, the blonde guy, the one I've seen at the library, comes out of the bar. He says something quietly to Andy, which I don't quite hear, but I make out, "...old times sake."

I turn on my heel and start walking away. I turn back once to say, "Thanks, Andy. Thanks a lot."

Andy's face is a picture of confusion. I think I hear him say, "What the fuck?"

* * * * *

I toss and turn all night. I don't sleep. My phone is pinging and vibrating with messages from Ash. At one point, I must have slept because I wake to what I think is the sound of her pounding on the front door. I'm not sure if it's a dream or not. Riley's already left, and Mark is having the kind of sleep that isn't easy to disturb. If it was her, no-one let her in. I dream about Andy, too. He's far away. Every time I look up, he's further. I'm calling his name, but he can't hear me. I wake up for good, at six in the morning. I try to go back to sleep but I can't. I'm disturbed and disorientated from the dream. I can't even lie still. I get up and go for a run. Even though I didn't plan to, I find myself running straight to Andy's.

"What's going on?" He asks when he pulls the door open. He looks rough. He looks like I've woken him from a very deep sleep. His hair is tangled and he's wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. "What's the time?"

"It's six thirty."

"Jesus, West. I only got to bed at three." He rubs his eyes and looks intently at me. "Are you still drunk?"

"No!" I say, as if such a thing is completely outside the realm of possibility, "Are you?"

"I dunno. Maybe." He looks groggy. I feel a bit sorry for him, having to deal with me when he's feeling like this. "Please West, can we talk about this later?"

"You said person." I say.

"What?"

"Last night, you said person. You said, "I don't think Ashleigh is the right person for you.""

"So?" He looks a little defensive.

"Why did you say person? Why didn't you say girl?"

"Holy shit," he says under his breath, "West, I'm trying not to be binary about every little thing, okay? I'm trying to be more inclusive. It's not a big deal, alright?"

"Oh," I say, "Good for you. You're right. You're definitely right, we should all be making more of an effort in our use of the language. Really. Good for you. Well done."

I hear him say, "What the fuck?" I don't stop or turn round. I'm already halfway down the stairs.

When I get home, Mark is packed up and almost ready to leave. The apartment looks bare. Empty. I help him get his bags into his car. Once he's all packed up, he looks at me and shrugs, holding his arms wide open. I go in for a hug and as I do, I say, "I love you, bud."

He doesn't skip a beat, "Love you, too."

We both laugh and he promises to stay in touch. I stand there in the driveway and watch him go.

I try to distract myself from the echoing emptiness of the apartment by studying. It's a novel idea and it does pass the time. By evening, the effect has worn off. I'm feeling unsettled. Deeply unsettled. Studying can't keep it at bay anymore. Ashleigh has been calling all day. I can't leave her like this. It feels cruel, so I agree to meet up. I go over to her house.

She opens the door and stands there, leaning against the door frame, looking at me. She looks how I feel. Tired. Drawn. She's not wearing any make-up. Her skin looks pale. Almost see-through. She still looks beautiful. In some ways, she looks more beautiful than ever. Neither of us speak. She just looks at me and I look back at her.

After a very long time she says, "So this is how it ends?"

I swallow hard, "Yes. This is how it ends."

I brace for the storm. I know a severe weather warning has just been issued. I know it's not just going to be a storm, it's going to be a blizzard. A whiteout. I wait and I wait, but it doesn't come. When I look down at her, I see her beautiful face. I see her big blue eyes and I see the second they change. They're fiery and wild and then, just like that, they're not. A visor comes down. It slams down so hard and so fast, I can almost hear the chinking of armour. Her mouth is set. Her posture changes slightly. She seems to grow in stature. Harder. Stronger.

"Go, West." She says, without a flicker of emotion in her voice.

* * * * *

The crisp evening air hits my face as soon as I get outside. I pause for a moment. I look up at the sky. I think about the fork in the road. I think about the void and I see my path clearly.

What if it's not the unknown? What if it's possibility.

I think of Ash's last words to me, "Go, West." I turn and look to my left. I look to the west. I can't see him, but I can feel him. I can feel him in my chest, just like I always do. He's less than four miles away. Right now, right this second, Andy is less than four miles from where I stand.

I call him as I walk to my car, "I need to see you."

Then, I go west.