Research and Analysis 01: Meeting

"Well, I think it does, Lin," he seemed thoughtful but not judgmental, "you ARE dealing with the emotions, which is as important, if not more important, to the issue than seeing how it fits into some social behavior paradigm. You identify as being lesbian. To you, it IS YOU, so naturally you would have personal feelings about it. I get that."

I'm guessing, though" he continued, "and this a quick read...that you are so used to delving into and interpreting facts and figures to divine tendencies and trends that you often ignore your feelings as a factor in the equations and just dispassionately focus on 'hard facts'. What do you think?"

"Well, YES, I think that IS a part of it, the objective versus the personal, but I think there might be more to it than that but I think you're on the right track!"

"Wow, THAT was quick!" he did in fact look astonished, "Tell me what the brainstorm is!"

"Oh, Decker, I'm just not sure. It seems to me that you're pretty level-headed, maybe beyond your tender years, but you're not a psycho-therapist. I don't know if I want to spew a lot of stream-of-consciousness crap all over you...that's not fair."

"That's O.K., Lin," he folded his hands and leaned toward me, "I'm a good listener and, I will tell you, I'm a good confidence keeper. Whatever you want to tell me goes no farther than this table! I promise!"

Sometimes you just know when you have to take a chance. So, I cut loose of my apprehension and started to talk to Decker.

"So, Deck, you asked me where I was on the LGBTQ spectrum and I said 'L', Lesbian, but not really. I'd have to put myself in the 'B' category. I've shifted back and forth over the years but I call myself a lesbian now because women have been exclusively my sexual interest for several years now."

I stopped. He was still listening and didn't appear shocked at anything, so far.

"Is this O.K., Deck?" I said waiting, for a reaction, "are you sure you are O.K. with this?"

"Sure, Lin, I'm good. I don't think there's much you can say that will shock me. I'm a pretty understanding guy, if I do say so myself. I've been around. And we're talking as friends, which is I hope what we are...so...Go ahead."

I continued, "I am wondering now is if I have talked myself out of being with men. I'm not exactly talking bi-sexuality because, for some reason I associate that with 'threesomes' and things like that...you know the 'polyandry' and group sex thing. I'm definitely not into that. When I'm with someone, I'm a one person girl. When I was in a relationship with a man, we did heterosexual sex...and when I was in a relationship with a woman, I did lesbian sex...that sounds axiomatic, doesn't it? I hope I'm not embarrassing you,"

"No, not at all, Lin," Decker said, reassuringly, "keep going. I'm O.K., Don't lose your train of thought

Then I took a couple of sips from my coffee and went on, "Well, my male/female marriage crashed and burned a long time ago and my female/female relationship hit the skids a couple of years ago...in a way for some common reasons....but I won't go into that...and so now...and I guess this is it...I'm stuck between those two poles in my mind and I don't know which way to go....Are you SURE you're all right with THIS?"

"Keep going, Lin, I think you're getting to it. I'm all right. Stick with it!" Decker was encouraging.

"So," I went on, "the 'questioning' and 'interested' has me swinging between the two poles...really 'straight' or 'lesbian'...which one am I going to commit to? Why I'm asking you all this I'm not sure, Decker. I guess I just need an objective opinion from someone!"

Decker paused to organize his thoughts, "Lin, this is how I see this and, trust me..I don't have a horse in this race...I'm just seeing if I can help you figure it out. The issue, as I see it, is that now you think you need to identify with being only one thing, be 'entirely' one thing or the other for the rest of your life. But there's no certainty in any of this. You've tried one thing and it didn't work; you've tried the other thing and that didn't work. Now you've talked yourself into believing there aren't an more options."

I nodded, not necessarily to agree but to let him know I was following him.

"The reality of it is that you DON'T have to be ALL of one or ALL of the other. Things change! If a past male relationship didn't work, it doesn't mean you can't find another man for a relationship that WILL work. And the same thing goes for a relationship with a woman. You have the experience, you can find a woman--or vise versa! I mean, and I might be wrong, I think that is what 'bi-sexual' means: you can enjoy relationships, including sex with either men or women. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have both a man and a woman in your life at the same time, although I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And, for that matter, it doesn't mean having shuttling back and forth to have sex with a man and a woman at the same, although that has certainly been known to work in some relationships. But in a sense, if the parties are on the same page, then why not? It's the same thing with group sex. It's the old 'consenting adults' situation."

Decker took a couple of slugs from his coffee now, "In some ways, I think that is really a part of what the QI in LGBT is saying. Having to be stuck in one sexual persona isn't necessary, unless of course, that's what YOU are interested in...that it's what YOU want to do. I know that's a long way to get to a simple answer, but...I don't know...what do you think?"

"Decker, there is a lot in what you have to say....yes...a lot. Do you think age has anything to do with it?" As long as I was getting is perspective, I might as well get as much as I can.

Decker pondered, "Age? Hmmm....I don't see how or why. Nothing really changes except for having experience. More experience comes with age and allows one to be more discerning about his or her situation, wants, and needs. We learn from experience. But again, we don't learn if we believe we're stuck, no matter how young or old we are."

"That's wonderful, Decker!" I couldn't conceal the glee in my voice, "You are absolutely, and wonderfully RIGHT! Thank you so much!"

Decker responded, "Lin, please! I just told you what I think based on what you told me. It just seems to me that those are the elements of where you are and a way to free yourself from your dilemma. That's all. I'm not a genius. I just happened to be here and listen to you...to help"

"There 's one other thing, Decker," I knew then I needed to go into this, "you're looking at a 39 year-old, overly sensitive, Asian-American, flat chested, butch looking woman, who has has sexual identity issues and hasn't had sexual relations for years, and can't stand cigarette smoke. She's horny. Do you want to have sex with me?"

He did...and we did--though the "roll-out" was unconventional--and we did, when I wasn't with my girlfriends! We never got to the "threesome" issue, but it wasn't out of the question!