Restaurants, Coffee shops and Bars

Restaurants, Coffee shops and Bars

I realized that some of the most interesting and/or funny events I have witnessed have been in public dining and drinking establishments.

To protect the guilty I will avoid names and specific locations. Some of these will only be a line or two others may be a bit longer. I am not trying for a specific word count. I hope you find it worth your time to read.

*** Making Friends

I was only nineteen when the military sent me to Germany. It took a little time for one of the guys to recognize I didn't like hanging out at the club drinking with the people I worked with. He gave me the best and most fun advice ever. He told me on Saturday to go out the side gate and turn away from town walk till I found a village with no american cars parked on the roads and look for a place with neon beer signs. He advised me to go every weekend at about the same time, drink one or two and walk home. After 5 weeks a guy came up to me and jabbered at me in German. I didn't understand and said the only thing I thought I had been taught. "Sorry, Nishta Veristain." (Note. that is not how it is spelled nor how it is pronounced but it was close enough for them to understand.) The guy went across the bar and literally brought another guy by pulling his collar. They spoke then the second guy said in perfect english, "He said if you want to make friends you should buy him a beer." I replied, "that works both ways he could have bought me a beer", Being the big drinker that I am I had 4 instead of my usual 2. The next weekend I didn't even get to order one beer before I was loaded up in a car and driven to a street party in a nearby village. For the next year and a half if I was not busy on post for the weekend we went to a different party in a different village.

** How does that work?

I was sitting at a crowded bar. At the end of the bar a nice looking clean cut guy had this girl standing so close he must have known if she had an inny or outy belly button. When she said loud enough to carry across the entire bar, "I would do anything to prove to you I am not a bar slut."

That was a long time ago. I am still trying to figure out how that was supposed to work.

** waitress professionalism points

Have you ever noticed wait staff tend to ask about your meal quality just as you take a fresh bite and begin to chew? My favorite waitress at my favorite restaurant began to try to sneak up on me to do just that. I raise my fork and see her stepping into my peripheral view. I lowered my fork without putting the food in my mouth and she stepped back. After the fifth time the lady in a booth near me almost fell out of her booth laughing.

** Tipping lesson for a waitress

I was sitting as usual at the counter sipping coffee waiting for a friend but the waitress wouldn't refill my cup. After the third or fourth visit with her working the counter I bought a roll of quarters. When my cup became empty I stood the roll next to my cup. Five minutes later I broke the roll and put half the quarters in my pocket. Five minutes later half of the remaining stack went in my pocket. It took several visits before she got to keep even half a roll. I'd like to think she gave better service to counter customers.

** Bar fight

Not all bar fights are the same and depending on where you are changes how the local law enforcement deal with it.

In Germany I was in a drinking establishment (not a bar because that means something different there.) A couple of men started yelling at each other then pushing and punching. The owners of the bar were a couple and the husband spoke quickly to his wife then lifted her up onto the bar. She jumped down on my side and took my elbow leading me to the restrooms. She took me in the ladies room, set me on a toilet and in broken English told me to lock the door and not come out and she would be back. Almost an hour later She said it was ok to come out. Of the fifteen customers all were gone, so was her husband. She explained they all went to jail to talk to the judge in the morning. She had locked me in the ladies room so I wouldn't go to jail with everyone else. It turns out German police arrest everyone and let the judge sort it out.

** Friend or enemy

I heard of this incident from both parties and am going to attempt to tell it using both perspectives.

The job was rained out so the friends went to the bar about nine AM by three they were a bit sloshed. In great alcohol logic it seemed like time to put the wet tools in the back of the Ford ranger away. So they drove the three blocks from the bar to larger ones home. Because he was afraid the littler one might back the pickup into the garage door the big one got out to spot him in. On his way around the back of the truck the bigger guy tripped (staggered?) and fell down. The littler one put the pickup in reverse and started backing into the driveway. The big guy said it was all he could do to stretch so the wheels crossed ankles and shoulders instead of ankles and neck. In the truck the little guy thought oh I hit a curb and put the truck in drive and pulled ahead. Under the truck the bug guy had to quickly stretch again. The big guy later would say he ran over me and just as I started to relax he ran over me again.

Odd fact: within a month both of them received driving under the influence tickets.

Addendum: when the little guy got his driving under the influence ticket he was actually arrested. The partners had been paid but not divided the money and the big guy was holding it. So the little guy told his extremely short wife to get the bail money from the big guy. The big guy was sound asleep and she was unable to wake him so she got the hide-a-key and went inside the house. The big guy said it was like waking up in a Korean flop house with this tiny woman pulling money out of his wallet next to his bed.

** Footprints on the ladies room walls and ceiling

Now and then I would hear whispers about the footprints on the ladies room walls.

One evening I came in a little before closing to hear the sounds of a woman in orgasim from the restroom and a very embarrassed man sitting at the bar. The sounds died down then the self proclaimed lesbian bartender came out wiping her mouth on a sleeve. After another minute a disheveled woman came out and the embarrassed looking man hurriedly gathered her up and was gone.

Then a few minutes later the waitress from the restaurant side came into the bar. Calling the bartender by name, ".... What the fuck footprints on the bathroom ceiling how the fuck do women do that? "

The bartender just winked at me then offered a fist bump.

** Life on the East Coast.

During my time dating an East Coast Girl there were nights that even I was unsure who I was really dating. I would pick her up and she would ask to join her friends at a bar. Upon arriving one of her friends would come running up and give me a big sexy kiss. My smiling girlfriend would say, "Just play along some creep isn't taking no as an answer so she wants to borrow you."

For the next hour or more I was expected to dance with the other girl and be very touchy feely as if we were lovers. It was a fun couple of years.

** Stripper logic

My first experience with the infamous stripper logic. I offered the stripper a drink and as she sat drinking with me she asked if I liked her tattoo. I asked for a closer look and she happily bared her breast and pushed it up close so I could inspect the artwork closer. She then volunteered that she got it so no matter how few clothes she had on she was never naked. Till that point I never would have thought that colorful scars counted as wardrobe.