Returning a Monster

Ch 3

Brooke Medical Center

May 20^th, 2006

(Trigger warning, suicidal thoughts)

"Do you have help at your home?"

I looked over at Nurse Susan Jenkins. She had been on my floor my whole time here and was the one most emotionally invested in my recovery. She was always upbeat and helpful, which in the last few months had grated on me more and more. I'd had other visitors during my stay; friends from medical school, residency, or my unit in Iraq, but only a handful more than once. Even those stopped coming after a while.

I was too much for them to be around.

What do you tell a woman who has lost EVERYTHING? Look me in the eye, I thought, and tell me it would get better. Tell me there was a life out there waiting for me. Tell me someone would look past the Frankenstein exterior and love me. They tried, but they all looked away in the end. I'd read my chart, and I'd done my research. I knew EXACTLY what my future was. More importantly, I knew what it was not.

The staff was always supportive of the burn unit patients. They all rallied around us, celebrating our milestones and holding our hands through it all. I couldn't ignore that they were the same people putting me through hell on earth every day. The showers were the worst torture. Every day, the wounds were cleaned out. No amount of painkiller could take it away, and you just had to learn to endure. Grit your teeth and get it over with. Move as little as possible as they scrubbed and poked and cleaned. It didn't get better until you were back in bed. If you didn't move for an hour, the pain would subside.

They tried to ease me off the heavy-duty opioids as the year went on. That's when I found out I'd become addicted to them. That made my life even worse. Withdrawal effects sucked, and I had to give up pain relief completely. If I took a single pill, it could start over again. Tylenol was no match for the continuing pain I had.

Through it all, I had to deal with the shrinks. Mental health was an integral part of treatment for severe burn cases.

I wanted out of this place as soon as possible. The staff psychologist had to sign off on my discharge. Before doing so, he had to determine that I wasn't a danger to myself.

I had to hide my true feelings or go from the burn unit to the psych unit. Nobody learned how empty I was inside. I knew enough to give the answers he wanted to hear. I may look like a monster, but my brain was as sharp as ever.

"Yes, I have some friends who will help me settle." Lie. "They are so excited I'm being discharged." Lie. "I can't wait to see them all." Lie. Say it enough times and you almost believe it.

I had found an affordable furnished apartment online and put down a deposit. I chose it because they were desperate enough to take month-to-month rentals and not require a longer lease. There was no point in tying up more of my estate than I had to.

I arranged for movers to bring my things from the storage facility I'd put them when I left for Iraq. I hadn't kept a place, as I planned to move into Todd's house when my tour was up.

I had no family to leave my things to. I'd leave instructions in twill I'd put next to my note. I'd donate my money and good to charity for wounded warriors. The ones who hadn't given up on life could reap the benefits of mine.

It would be my last act.

June 22, 2006

I woke up to pain, as always. I went to the bathroom and swallowed four Extra Strength Tylenol, hoping to dull the edge. I looked in the mirror. My scarred fingers traced the lines in my face, and only in parts did I have any sensation of being touched. Some were from healed burns, others the boundaries of skin grafts. The doctors had done their best, but only so much could be done.

My face looked like an angry version of a wrinkled old lady. There was still puffiness on the cheeks from where fluids would build up. I avoided remembering anything about how I used to look. It only reminded me of my pain and loss.

This ugly mask was all I had now.

I went to the kitchen, poured a half glass of orange juice, and then filled the rest with cheap vodka. Alcohol wasn't my crutch now; it was my walker and my wheelchair. The booze was my way to kill the pain without pain pills. I would drink from morning to evening, sitting in my tiny living room with the drapes closed. I was buying vodka by the gallon in those cheap plastic bottles. Vodka got me drunk quickly, kept me there, and could be mixed with anything.

It was working less and less, but I didn't care. I was going to be free soon.

I had come to realize that I wasn't lucky to survive. The lucky men were on Pedro Two that day. A moment of fear and pain, then it was over.

Tonight, I will be free as well.

I spent most of the day getting things in order. My will, financial information, and a suicide note were on the table. Writing the letter had been easier than I expected. I thanked people for their concern and support and told them it wasn't their fault.

It was me.

I couldn't face my future. If that made me a coward, so be it. I'd proven my courage before and no longer cared what anyone thought.

There was a knock on the door; I'd arranged for a last meal, left outside my door, paid for with a credit card, so I didn't have to see anyone. I ate the Chinese food that I had picked for my last meal: sweet and sour chicken, cream cheese puffs, and white rice.

I went to the bathroom one last time. When you die, your body relaxes, even your sphincter and bladder. I didn't want to make a mess of myself, after all.

It was time. I entered the bedroom and unrolled the plastic drop cloth I had purchased at the market so the apartment owner wouldn't have to deal with a mess. I draped it over the bed and hung it from the wall above my headboard. I then went into the bathroom and took a shower. I was crying as I did so, but not in sorrow. Those tears were long gone. I cried because I was going to be free of the pain, the loss, and the looks I got from people.

Monsters weren't meant to live.

I dried and braided my hair, then put on lace underwear and a plain white T-shirt. Going to the closet, I pulled out my Full Dress White uniform and laid it on the bed. My ribbons and medals had been placed properly by one of the nurses the last time I'd worn it. I brushed lint off my Lieutenant Commander, Medical Corps, shoulder boards. Two wide gold stripes with a narrow gold stripe in between. White socks, white dress pants, and white dress shoes were next. I pulled the choker white top on, struggling with the buttons with my dead hands. Getting the choker neck fastened took me five minutes. Finally, I donned my white and black officer's hat.

I looked myself over in the mirror. If you didn't see my skin I looked normal, but then you saw my face. I pulled on the white gloves and smoothed everything down. I was as squared away as I was going to get.

I moved to the bedside table, opened the drawer, and removed the nickel-plated Beretta 92F pistol I'd purchased after leaving the hospital. It was the same one I had qualified as Expert on during Officer Candidate School. I smiled at the memory as I removed it from the holster and belt combination that went with my uniform. I sat down on the bed, the plastic crinkling as I did so. Raising the pistol to my head, I told myself it was time to go.

My finger wouldn't move.

Some part deep inside didn't want this, and it wouldn't let me. My arm started to shake with the effort of holding the pistol up. I closed my eyes, trying to will the finger to move, and it didn't. I tried a few more times before my phone rang. Tossing the pistol on the bed, I went back out to the kitchen and looked at my phone.

Fuck. It was Todd's mother. This was an awkward conversation I didn't want to have. I silenced the ringer and tossed the phone back on the table.

Melanie was a good woman. She and I got along really well, and she was looking forward to our wedding, but she sided with her son when he dumped me. She never visited, called, or wrote. She never behaved as I had prayed she would.

I went back into the bedroom and stared at the pistol. I picked it up and put it in my waistband at the small of my back, pulling the jacket down over it. After a few minutes, I turned around. If I couldn't kill myself, I'd let something else do it.

I called for a cab. Carrying only my dog tags, cash, and apartment key, I went outside to meet it. People stared at me as I stood there. Naval officers in dress uniform weren't common in El Paso, but they soon looked away. Mothers pulled their children along, telling them not to stare. I pretended not to hear.

I got into the cab. "Where to, Ma'am?"

"Franklin Mountains State Park." It was big enough for me to get lost in.

Ch 4

Franklin Mountain State Park

Michaela burst out from the low scrub, her wolf panting as she approached our group. She was the perfect reconnaissance wolf. Her animal form was fast, could pass as a German Shepherd, and had the nose of a tracker. She came to a halt before me. Shifting, she stood to her five-foot height, uncaring of her nudity. "Alpha, the area is clear for the run. There are campers in the designated sites, and all are settled for the night. No backpackers, and no one at the climbing area."

"Thank you, Michaela. Get some water and food while I rally the others." She nodded and shifted back.

The members of the El Paso Pack had a weekly run in wolf form. It was difficult to stay hidden in the open desert with people around. Once we got the chance to shift, we tended to stay that way. She went to the vehicles we had parked on a private road outside the Franklin Mountain State Park and drank deeply from a bowl set near the road. I watched as her parents tossed her chunks of steak. Her wolf eagerly snatched the treats out of the air and swallowed them whole.

The thirty or so members of my Pack who had gathered for the run formed a circle around me. We stood in the dry grass on the side of the road. "Tonight we're doing a circuit run. We'll use the ATV trail to the mountain and the climbing trail on the west side to the top. We'll return down the north side and follow the hiking trail back here. It's a beautiful night, and the course should give us a challenging thirty miles." As I said this, there were smiles and cheers; wolves loved to run. We'd be letting the dogs out tonight. "We will stay together until we reach the marker at the bottom of the north trail. From there, it is a race back to the vehicles. The winner gets a case of steaks, and the last one has kitchen cleanup for the next week." There were excited murmurs; wolves were highly competitive and side bets were already starting to be offered as I looked around. The sun was just going down below the horizon, the moon would be out in another hour. It was time.

"Everyone shift!" Clothes got tossed aside, mostly summer dresses for the women and shorts and T-shirts for the men. No underwear, because why bother? Too easy to shred on a shift. The wolves gathered near the fence line that connected with the park. Terence was stuck picking up the clothes, folding them, and setting them in the vehicles. He was on punishment detail and thus was watching the trucks while we all had fun.

"We have too many people around to howl, so keep to the link," I sent to the members around me. "Trackers, lead the way. The rest of you with us." I looked over the Pack, pride in my eyes. I knew I was an impressive wolf, standing head and shoulder over the others in his Pack as an Alpha should. My wolf was silver in color with black patches and a white diamond on his chest. I rubbed my cheek on Maria's shoulder, transferring my scent to my mate. She licked my jaw and then rubbed along my side before stretching her front paws way out and moving back, her chest near the ground. She loved to run with me.

We moved through the hole in the fence in single file, following the path the trackers had just left. I was paranoid about being discovered. Humans only knew of werewolves in film and fiction; they didn't need to know that many stories had a basis in truth. We could shift on demand, we had a wolf spirit alongside our human one, and we were far more numerous than they would ever suspect.

Once everyone was through, we formed into our standard Pack run by rank, two across, mates together. Maria and I led. Behind us were our Betas, the next level of the Pack rank. After that came the Warriors, unranked pack members, and junior wolves. They were old enough to shift and run but were still too young to have a Pack rank.

My wolf was jubilant to be out. The temperature dropped fast after sundown, the air was clean, and the wind was in my fur. These runs were the best.

The trail was well-traveled by hikers, ATVs, and mountain bikes during the day. The dirt was hard-packed and wouldn't leave prints. The locals didn't know about wolves, and we needed to keep it that way.

I set a comfortable pace, ensuring the entire Pack could stay together. We wound our way for an hour until we reached the trail leading up the mountain. My wolf pushed forward, enjoying the burn in my legs as we gained altitude. The Pack strung out as we moved up the switchback trail, so when we finally reached the top thirty minutes later, we laid down next to the trackers waiting for us. "Anything?"

"No humans, Alpha." Rick and Joe were barely winded. Trackers had great endurance and greater noses; they trained hard until they could run for days if needed.

"Head back to the trucks. Stay alert," I said. "I'm going to give them fifteen minutes to rest before we head down." They nodded and trotted off the north trail. Maria leaned into my side as we sat and watched the moon rise over the desert landscape. We enjoyed the moment, as the rest of the Pack came alongside and also sat or laid down to rest and enjoyed the moment.

Finally, I chuffed and stood to my feet. "Stay together until I give the command to race," I said as I headed down the trail. The rest of the Pack followed, making easy progress on the downhill run. When things started to level out, we got to a wide spot where the trail converged with the one that led back to our vehicles. I slowed, letting the whole group catch up, and they spread wide until we were in a line. I chuckled to myself. The rocks at the opening of the trail narrowed it significantly, and only the fastest would avoid the pileup. "Ready.... Set... RACE!" The wolves surged forward, digging hard as they accelerated towards the trail.

Maria was right on my tail as we reached the rocks, but we were fourth in line. The sprinters in the Pack had the advantage early on, but this was a longer run; sooner or later, the longer strides and greater endurance would overcome them. We were a few miles in when the warning came over the link. "Alpha, we heard a cougar near the left hand turn, three hundred yards right of the trail. It's got a human in its sights."

"RACE IS OVER, warriors form up on me, rest form up on your Luna." Immediately Maria dropped back as the warriors came up. "Maria, when we break off the trail, run them to the vehicles. All Betas except the Lead Warrior protect the group. Warriors with me. Jackson, you and Nurse Kerry stay back until I call you forward." I took off down the trail. We were a couple minutes behind the trackers after the hard run. I heard the cougar roar, and directed half my warriors to break off and circle around from the back side.

I crested the hill and was shocked at what I saw. The cougar was in a tree over the trail, and below it and about ten yards away was a woman. Throwing rocks at it, cursing at it, BEGGING it to come down and kill her. She stood there like a goddess, in a full dress uniform, the bright white standing out in the dim light, the gold buttons and medals flashing.

"What the FUCK is going on here, Rick?"

"I don't know, Alpha. She's been goading the lion, trying to get it to attack. Fucked up way to commit suicide. And what the hell is she doing in uniform?"

My wolf vision could make her out clearly; she was tall, well-proportioned and had dark hair over her shoulders. Her face was heavily scarred, and I could tell she favored her left side; she would wince a little as she threw the rock. I had served long enough in the Marines in World War Two to recognize the rank and insignia. "She's a doctor," I said.

"She NEEDS a doctor," Rick responded. "Thirty more seconds and a doctor won't help."

"We can't have a mountain lion taking up in our territory. We're going to have to chase it away. Warriors, we're going to wedge between them. Drive that cougar out of our territory. Kill it if it won't leave. NO ONE SHIFT, don't give away what we are." We thundered down the hill, the V-formation aimed at them.

Another second, and she would be dead.

The cougar jumped down and charged the woman, who held her arms open and waited for certain death. I reached her simultaneously, my jaws going for the big cat's neck as two other warriors leaped for the back and legs. It was mayhem as the battle progressed, with flashing teeth, slashing claws, and a screaming woman. I went for the kill, only to find the woman's hand trapped between my teeth and the cat's neck. I let go, tasting her blood, and jumped back on. This time I found a purchase on the back of the cougar's neck. I clamped down and shook. There was a loud CRACK as I broke her neck, and she went limp.

The whole pile fell to the ground, and I heard the liquid thump as the woman's head hit the rock. I sniffed her; she was still breathing but had been knocked out. She was seriously wounded, with claw marks on her face and shoulders and a bite on her arm. I then went back to the cougar, taking a deep sniff. It wasn't Were; it was a natural cat. I backed away, the other warriors forming a perimeter. "You four, shift and carry this thing out of here. Find somewhere out of the way, a ravine or something, then cover it with rocks."

"What about the woman, Alpha? She's seen our wolves."

"I bit her during the fight," I said. I could see the heads dropping. Bites brought about forced turns. Forced turns were unpredictable, and this woman was batshit crazy if she was taunting a cougar. Still, she was a doctor, and doctors were incredibly hard to come by in our world. "Nurse Kerry, come on up."

She had been waiting at the hilltop and was down here in seconds. A glance at the wolves showed cuts and scrapes, nothing life-threatening and already healing. She knelt by the woman and opened her case. She used a flashlight to check her pupillary response, then applied dressings to the wounds. She worked on her for five minutes before she stood up and talked to me. "Alpha, the wounds are survivable with the change since you said you bit her. I can already smell the change beginning." She looked down at the ground. "You need to make a decision now. Kill her, or we get her back to the Pack House before the change hits. I can't give her a strong sedative with that head injury, so it's happening in the next two hours."

I shifted and walked over to her, taking in the medals, including a Purple Heart. A closer look showed the extent of the burns on her body; she must have been in constant pain. I took a deep breath and let it out. It would be a kindness to kill her. The change was painful, and not all forced changes made it through. Her body was a roadmap of pain already, so she was tough. If she survived, and her mind wasn't too far gone, and if I could turn her into a good wolf? We could use a Doctor for the Pack.

"My bite, my responsibility," I said to the warriors. "Clean up here; we're going home." I picked up the bloodied woman, easily holding her in my arms, and started to jog back to the trail.