Rivals Pt. 03

"You asshole! How many times do I have to tell you not to read my diary!" I snap at him.

"I haven't read it since the last time you yelled at me for it. It was the last thing I remember reading before you scolded me."

"Why did you have to read it in the first place?" I ask.

"You left it out on the porch. I had no idea what it was. I just picked it up and started reading it. Before I realized it was yours, I had dug too deep."

"Whatever...It's history."

"So? What brought Marcela up?" he asks.

"She might become my teammate..." I mumble.

"What? No way! I didn't know she got recruited there. Don't they usually announce that?"

"She walked on," I say.

"Oh shit. So? How have you not asked her out yet? Or have you?" he asks.

"She's not into girls."

"Ouch, I'm sorry," he says.

"It's cool. It's actually kind of funny though. She kind of hated me when we first started. She thought I targeted her because she believed I hated her. This was partially true because I did target her, but not because I hated her. I only targeted her because I have a crush on her, but I'm never going to tell her that. But now we've actually become really good friends in such a short time."

"How did you find out she's not gay?" he asks.

"My other teammate Cat kind of pulled it out of her. She and this other girl named Kennedy are starters on the team and are also dating. They're also our big sisters. We have like a buddy system."

"Oh we have that too," he says. "Big brother, little brother kind of thing, right?"

"Yeah, exactly," I say. "Anyway, Cat's my big sis. She and Marcela are neighbors, so she's good friends with her. I kind of spilled my guts to Cat and she asked Marcela. We were at a Smoothie shop and Cat straight up asked. She kind of just spit it out that she wasn't gay as if there was something wrong with being gay. But I swear there are moments where I feel like she wants to kiss me. Maybe it's just because that's what I want, but part of me believes she feels the same way."

"I'm sorry. That must be tough," he says.

"No, it's okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to get into another Hannah situation. That really hurt. But Marcela, she's kind of my perfect match. She makes me a better player. She's so competitive and she really works hard. She's the first in the gym and the last one out. And she's a really good person. She goes out of her way to help."

"It's hard. Life is hard. I don't know if there's a right thing to do here but maybe you're right. Maybe the small moments of happiness are worth it."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he smiles.

"Thanks. I've missed our conversations like this," I say. "Why did we ever stop having them?"

"I don't know, but I've missed them too. I guess life just has a way of getting in the way," he smiles.

"Harrison, I love you," I say.

"Love you too, sis," he says.

--

Marcela's Perspective

Of course, she won. She always wins. I just want to beat her. "Best out of 3!"

Sarah takes the ball up to the key with a smile on her face. "Awww, Dandi. When are you going to realize you just can't beat me?"

"Yeah right, Peaches, you may beat me this time, but I'll beat you eventually."

She checks the ball in and I roll the ball on the ground to her feet as I get up all in her face. She steps to the right and pivots back. Suddenly our faces get really close. I can feel the heat of her breath against my cheek. Her gaze meets mine. The look I see in her eyes lights a fire inside my heart, burning it in flames. She leans in. Her lips get close to mine. I close my eyes as our worlds connect.

The bounce of the ball as it slips from her fingers doesn't pull us out of our new found passion. Her hands brush up against my cheeks. The feel of her thumbs sends ripples of tingles across my skin like dropping a rock into Lake Charlevoix in the fall when all the boats have been taken out and the trees are painted red.

I shoot up from my bed drenched in sweat. It was all just a dream. God, it felt so real. My heart's still pounding. What's wrong with me? Am I gay? God, why are things so confusing?

--

As Sunday arrives, I pack up my stuff and hug my aunt and uncle goodbye as Kennedy and Cat pull up.

"I love you honey, stay safe down there and keep out of trouble," my aunt says.

"Just work hard and keep up with your studies. Remember why you're there. To get a good education," my uncle says.

"I will," I sigh as I climb into the car. Kennedy takes off.

"So, how was your weekend?" Cat asks.

"It was okay," I sigh... My weekend was so confusing and kind of depressing for some reason. The way my Aunt and Uncle went on and on about the neighbors and how homosexuality is a sin just pulls at the strings of my heart. I just feel at odds with myself. On one hand, I want to make my family proud of who I am, and on the other hand, I feel like they're the ones who are wrong. I just don't understand why being gay is bad? Then there's the dream about Sarah. Why do I have such a strong urge to kiss her? I've never felt this way before. I just need to bury these thoughts as deep as I can and focus on basketball and school like my uncle said. "What about you?"

"Ehh," Cat sighs.

"Her parents kept going on and on about the new "lesbian" neighbors and how they're bad role models. God, I felt like I was the one being attacked," Kennedy sighs. She puts her hand on Cat's thigh. "Cat, I'm so sorry for trying to pressure you into coming out to your parents. I totally understand why you don't want to. I feel so bad. How do you put up with all that?"

"I have no idea. I hate that I can't be myself around my family. I feel like such a fake," she says.

"Don't ever feel that way, babe. Even though I think you should never have to hide who you are, you have to put your safety first. The way your parents talked about the neighbors just felt like they..."

"They just don't understand. They were taught by my grandparents that being gay is a sin and homosexuality is wrong. Maybe they'll see things differently if they were educated more," Cat says. "At least I hope."

"My aunt and uncle wouldn't stop complaining about them too," I sigh.

"Growing up in such a supportive environment, I never realized there were still places that held such views. My parents were always accepting of me. When I came out to them, it didn't even feel out of the normal. Just another day in the Brooke household," Kennedy says.

"I wish that was like that here," Cat sighs.

Sarah's Perspective

Monday Morning after class

"So? How was the trip home?" Cassie asks as we sit rather close on a comfy love seat in the dorms. Both drinking lates.

"It was rather enlightening, I guess. I had an actual real conversation with my brother and it made me realize that I shouldn't focus on things I can't control," I say.

"Oh nice," she smiles. God her lips are a light rosy pink and I can't take my eyes off them.

"How about you?" I ask.

"Ehh. It was okay. I hanged out with some of the other pledges for our sorority and we drank until I threw up," she says.

"Sounds like a productive weekend," I laugh.

"Yeah... You could say that," she says, running a hand through her dark brown hair. "So? Have you come to any kind of conclusion about how you feel towards Marcela?"

"Sort of. I think I'm just going to try to move on while still trying to remain friends," I say.

"That's probably for the best. Falling for a straight girl never ends well," she says.

"Yeah. True that," I say. "How is the sorority pledge thing going?"

"It's not bad. I still have to come out to them. I hate that we constantly have to come out over and over again. You know?" she asks.

"Oh, I totally know," she says. "Nothing like telling people you just met that you're gay."

"It's frustrating," she sighs.

"It's too bad we can't just wear a band that signals our gayness to other people..." I laugh.

"Yeah, because that wouldn't get misconstrued at all," she says with a chuckle.

"Right? It seems like no matter what we do, there will always be some kind of hurdle," I say.

She puts her hand on my arm as she gives me that understanding look. The kind of look that makes my heart a little warmer. "I know. It sucks."

I can't help but think just maybe there's a future with Cassie. My mind dreams of what it'd be like to hold her hand while walking together. To have her in my arms. To hold her under the sheets. And yet, I can't help but remember what she said, that she doesn't want anything serious. Maybe she'll change her mind. "Cassie... I really like talking to you... Do maybe want to go out... like on a date?"

She bites her lip and then looks away. "Look, Sarah, I think you're an amazing person and under any other circumstances I'd die to go out with you, but I don't want to commit to anything right now. I'm sorry."

I tear my gaze away from her. "It's okay... I... I understand."

"What about friends with benefits?" she asks.

I look up at her. "Like sex?"

"I mean, that would definitely be a benefit," she says.

"I don't know. I want something more..." I say.

"I totally get that. You deserve something more," she says.

God, why can't things ever be simple? All I want is something special with someone special. And yet no one seems to want the same thing. Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I find my perfect match? But, I don't really want to be alone anymore. I'm sick of being single. "You know what? Why not. Honestly, I've only ever been with one person and it didn't end well. I'm just afraid to get my heart broken again."

"I totally understand, I feel the same way. And I get that you want commitment and something special and I really hope you find that, but I just don't feel like I'm in the right place to give that to you. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other. Just not more than friends right now. And if you find someone who wants to be that someone special to you, we can end the benefits part of our friendship and just be friends."

"Okay... yeah. I want to give it a try," I smile.

"Awesome. What are you doing tonight?" she asks.

"I have no plans whatsoever besides basketball," I say.

"Great, want to benefits a try?" she asks.

"Sure. I mean, where? I've got 3 roommates," I say. "And one of them just so happens to be Marcela."

"Ooh... Wow. That must be tough. I've also got 3 roommates. Maybe we could be really quiet?"

"You know what? Screw it. Danielle has had her boyfriend spend the night and they're super loud. I don't see why I can't bring a girl back to the dorm," I say. "By the way, did I mention how much I hate Danielle? She's the most pretentious and entitled bitch I've ever met."

"Then it's settled, tonight at your place and we won't be quiet," she smiles with a tinge of wickedness. I can't help but smile too.

Marcela's Perspective

Art Class

As Usha and I paint away, I can't fight the drifting thoughts flowing through my head. Why can't I stop thinking about kissing Sarah? I'm not gay... right?.

The thought of my dream stirs up a fire inside me. God, why can't I get the image of her lips out of my mind? Or those dreamy blue eyes. I can just imagine what it'd be like to feel that blonde hair as it cascades down over me while she looks at me with those eyes as deep as an ocean. As if she would lean down and press her lips against mine.

"Wow, Dandi, I didn't know you were into Sarah. Although, it really shouldn't be surprising," Usha asks as she looks at my canvas.

My eyes go wide. I didn't even realize I was drawing her. "Uh... I'm not into her like that. I was just..."

"Aww, you have a crush on her, don't you?" she asks.

"No, I'm not gay," I snap back.

"Trust me, you just drew a very detailed portrait of her face. You're really in deep, there's no denying it," she says.

"I am not..." I mumble as I look at my painting. I'm starting to have a hard time believing my own words.

--

Kennedy's

I call Kennedy and ask if I can come over. She replies with a yes. She's up at her dorm. I head up there and knock on her door. She answers it and invites me in.

"I don't think I've given you the tour of my dorm, have I?" she asks. "By the way, where's your ball?"

"Oh my god, I forgot it. I'm sorry. Let me quickly go get it," I say, my heart racing like crazy. My head clouded with thoughts that scare me.

"Don't worry, just get it after you leave. And I'll forget I didn't see it," she says. "So anyway, let me give you the quick tour. My roommate is gone at the moment. But we both have our own rooms and we have this nice little kitchen with a fridge and microwave. No stove, unfortunately, but we have a sink and a tiny little dining room. Oh and check out this living room. It's nice and cozy. Have a seat. Want anything to drink?"

"No thank you," I sigh as I slump into her couch.

She pops a squat next to me. "So what's up?"

"If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell anyone?" I ask.

"Of course, I'm your big sister, that's what big sisters are for," she says.

"I think I might be gay," I spit out.

"Oh, wow," she says. "And how did you discover this?"

"I keep having dreams..."

"Ooh. Yeah... Say no more," she says. "Well, actually, what are the dreams about?"

I fiddle my hands together as my eyes drop to the floor. "Kissing a girl."

"Any girl in particular?"

"Yeah..."

"This is a normal thing to happen. I used to get them all the time and they all centered around this girl named Stacy in my high school. The sad part is that Stacy was definitely not gay."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Mine are of Sarah."

"Honestly, that does not surprise me. It's only natural to develop affections toward teammates. That is exactly how Cat and I started dating."

I look up into those confident eyes of hers. "What should I do?"

"If you ever want to find out what these feelings mean, you're just going to have to talk to Sarah. Besides, lucky for you Sarah's actually gay."

"And how exactly do I do that?"

"Ask her to go for a walk with you."

"Just like that?" I ask.

"Yep, just like that," she says.

"And then what do I do? Do I tell her about my dreams?"

"No! Definitely do not do that. Just start out casual and try to get her to laugh. Then you just slip it in there. You want to know something?"

I lean in closer. "What?"

"I bet Sarah's got feelings for you too."

"How can you tell?"

"It's kind of obvious the way she chases you around all over the place."

"But she's been avoiding me lately," I spit out.

"Yeah, because you made it pretty clear you weren't gay."

"Oh my god. Did I ruin it already?"

"No. Not at all. Trust me, just try to explain to her how you feel and I know she'll understand."

"How can you be so sure?" I ask.

"Because I've been through this. I've seen this so many times, it's easy to spot. You and Sarah are the classic tale of enemies to lovers."

"I doubt that I saw her with Cassie. What if they're together?"

"Just ask her. What do you have to lose?"

"You're right," I say. "I'm going to do this."

"That'a girl," she smiles.

Practice

"Alright ladies, we have only a few more weeks left before the season starts. We're going to make cuts at the end of the preseason. That's three weeks away." My eyes meet Sarahs and we both share the same fear. Then I look at Danielle... That was a mistake.

She looks so confident. As if the position is already hers. God, what if I get cut? I can't fail now. I've put so much time and effort, failure isn't an option. I need to work hard these next few weeks and so that I can earn the position.

All throughout practice, I hustle as hard as I can. I dive for every ball. Focus on the task. There's no way I'm going to lose now. Not when I'm so close.

When scrimmages come around. I'm tired, but I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever. Miraculously, I'm on Kennedy and Sarah's team. As Kennedy and Usha go at it, I catch my breath. "Hey."

I look up to see Sarah. I stand up straight. "Hey."

"You look good out there. I'm having trouble keeping up with you."

"Thanks."

"Of course," she says.

"Say, do you want to go for a walk after practice?" I ask.

"I can't," she says. "I'm hanging out with Cassie after."

"Oh..." I say, feeling a sting in my heart.

"You don't mind if she spends the night, do you?" she asks.

"Umm. no, not at all. I didn't realize you two were at that level," I say.

"It's complicated," she says. God, how could I be so stupid? It feels like my heart is painfully cracking at the seams as if it were made of glass.

"Subs," Kennedy shouts and we both rush in. It's become so hard to concentrate when I'm fighting back the tears and of course Danielle's able to take full advantage and make a fool out of me as she destroys my defense.

Cassie and Sarah sleeping together

As practice comes to an end, I just want to crawl into a corner and die. I've not only lost Sarah, but I'm about to lose my dream as well and it feels like there's nothing I can do as my world comes crashing down.

I head straight back to the dorms and climb into the showers as I break down and cry. I'm going to lose everything.

I don't know how long it took to pull myself together, but eventually, I came out and buried myself in the sheets of my bed.

It was later that night after Danielle and Maly came to bed that I heard the sounds of two people rustling through the darkness. The subtle giggles and hushes as Sarah and Cassie slip into Sarah's bed leave a sting inside me. My cracked heart shatters to pieces as I hear the sound of them kissing. In just one day, my entire world has come crashing down and all I want to do is drown in the tears.

--

The Next Morning

When morning finally arrives, it's hard to pull myself out of bed. The world just feels heavier. As I head into the common area, they're sitting on the couch all cozy is Sarah and Cassie and my heart gets crushed.

"Good morning!" Sarah says all cheery.

"Morning..." I sigh, walking back into the bunk room. I just collapse back into the bed, no longer having the strength to get up.

Not soon after, Sarah comes in. "Hey, we've only got about 30 minutes before bio. Are you coming?"

"I'm skipping," I sigh.

"Is everything okay?" she asks.

"I don't feel good," I say.

"Is there anything I can get you?" she asks.

"No! Just go away," I snap out.

"Okay... I'm sorry. I hope you feel better," she says.

--

Sarah's Perspective

"Marcela looked awful this morning," I say as Cassie and I make our way to Bio.

"Yeah, she definitely didn't look good," she says.

"Do you think I said something to bother her?" I ask.

"What could you have said that would've upset her?" she asks.

"I don't know, maybe she wasn't okay with you staying the night," I say.

"Did she say anything about Danielle bringing home a guy?" she asks.

"We did joke about it," I say.

"What if she's not okay with the gayness of it?" Cassie asks.

"No, Marcela isn't like that. Something else is up," I say.

"You know, if you ever want to move on, you're going to have to cut the cord," she says.

"I can't just cut her off, she's my teammate and my friend," I say.

"I didn't mean that I'm just saying you keep making Marcela's problems, your problems," she says.

"I'm not just going to let her deal with whatever she's going through alone. She wouldn't do that to me," I say.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't tell you how to handle your relationships," she says. "I just feel like you're getting sucked into drama. And I don't know Marcela well enough to imply what she's going through or wants. I just... We had an amazing night last night and we should be happy this morning, but instead, you're thinking about Marcela. This is exactly why I don't want to do relationships right now."