Robin's Way 04

"You look tired, Robin, how long will it take you get back home?"

"I'm in Teddington, so at least an hour and a half at this time of night."

"I'm in Clapham, and we could be there in half an hour by cab. Fancy spending the night?"

It was tempting; I was tempted.

Seeing my hesitation, El added:

"I shan't jump you, Robin, you can sleep on the couch, or we can do what we did at school."

What we had done at school was to spend a night together, kissing and cuddling, but going no further. I think neither of us had the slightest idea of what we ought to do next, anyway. But we were older, and more experienced, and I could not imagine that a night with El would be chaste, so declined.

"Well, I am in Suffolk next month, so maybe our next dinner date could be there?"

That seemed a good way of postponing answering the question of whether I wanted to have sex with El, so I agreed.

Our goodbye kiss indicated her mood - and mine. I had not expected to be kissed on the mouth, but didn't object to it. I had not expected her hand to find its way under my skirt, and did object to it - if not immediately.

"It would be lovely to get to know you properly, Robin," El said.

"Yes, it would."

All the way back to Teddington I pondered what had just happened.

At one level it was as clear as daylight. El fancied me and wanted to have sex. I fancied El, but it was not me to want instant sex. I'd long ago accepted that was the way I was.

When preachers went on (on the rare occasions they ventured there) about premarital sex being sinful, it caused me some vexation. For ages, and indeed even now in some quarters, the whole idea of lesbian sex was considered sinful. There were two logical reactions to that: celibacy, which was not me; and ignoring it and going ahead anyway, which was also not me. The net result was a messy Robin compromise, rather like the position taken by my Church on the issue - no wonder I was an Anglican!

I was attracted to other women, far more than I was to men. Women, of course, did not carry with them the risk of pregnancy, so the practical reasons which had dictated the moral code, did not apply. That, I thought, was a frightfully pragmatic view, but there it was, and I was not going to pretend otherwise. Some people had the gift of celibacy, and while I had been celibate, except on that one occasion with Irina, I felt no vocation to it. But I did not want to just jump into bed with someone. I liked Elena, and if, on closer association, I wanted to go there, then I would. But would that, I wonder, have implications for my future?

I began to see why Bishop Jane kept quiet. Maybe that lesbian network she mentioned would help?

I walked the short distance from the station to home, and caught up with my emails there. The job offer was there. I replied accepting it. A few moments later I got a text from Bishop Jane:

"I am glad that you accepted, J xxx"

Three kisses from the Bishop?

I dismissed it. Must have been the after effect of the wine and Elena.

In the morning I contacted the estate agent to tell them that the flat was going to be available to rent, and began the process of preparing for my new future.