Roundabout

"So, what have you been doing?" she asked. "Skiing?"

"A lot, yes."

"I lost track of Henry," she said, looking away.

"I did too, but I heard he died last year. AIDs, I think."

"I'm sorry. You were such good friends."

"I didn't really know him all that well. I guess we never do know people, though."

"Until it's too late," she added.

"Life is the sum total of the choices we make, Terry, or so I've been told. Are you happy, at least?"

Those same eyes tearing up, that sad, forced smile, the frantic, evasive nodding. "Yes, of course I am."

He's rich, too, he didn't have to say. "I'm glad." He looked ahead at the gondola building and all the early morning powder hounds putting on their skis. "Well, we're here," he said as the car slowed, then entered the building. The door opened and he slid out, then he turned and helped Terry out of the little cabin. He grabbed both their skis and she took their poles, just like she always had at Tahoe, and they all walked out onto the flats just outside and put on their skis.

"Okay. I'm going to ski down to that trail sign. The one that says 'Copper' -- and I'm going to wait there. One at a time, you each ski down to me so I can get an idea of what we need to work on today."

He poled off across the flats then made four easy turns down to the sign, then turned and waved.

Of course, Terry poled off immediately and skied down gracefully to his side.

"I see some things never change," he said while he smiled at her.

"No, I guess they don't."

Didi took off next, and she made a few wedge turns before making two nice linked parallel turns. "Not bad," he said, "for your first turns of the year!" He 'high-fived' her and the girl beamed.

David came next and it was apparent he'd skied a lot, then Aaron came last and he had a lot of trouble. He seemed angry, bored and preoccupied with something not up here on the mountain.

"Terry? Ski down a hundred yards and stop." Terry poled off and skied down the slope and stopped after a few moments. "David? Go ahead."

"Didi?" he said as he poled over to her. "I want you to concentrate on making your pole plant sthis time. Now, go ahead." She left and he watched her, then he turned to Aaron.

"So, where are you?"

"Excuse me?" the kid said.

"You look like you're someplace else, or you want to be someplace else, anyplace but up here."

The kid looked away. "You a ski instructor, or a shrink?"

"Funny, but I never saw a whole lot of difference between the two."

The kid laughed. "You have a lot of experience with shrinks, huh?"

"No, not really. I screwed one, once, if that counts."

The kid looked at him. "Yeah? Bet that was fun."

"Skiing's fun. You want to ski today, or shoot the shit down in the lodge?"

"Ski, I guess."

"Alright, take off, and this time show me what you can do. I'll be right behind you..."

The kid took off, made a nice series of linked turns and stopped by his mother.

"Okay. Didi? When you unweight and start your turn, drive that new downhill knee down and in just a little, like this," Aaron said as he demonstrated what he was talking about. "David?"

"Sir?"

"Uh, whoa there. No sirs up here, guys. I'm Aaron, okay. You say 'sir' and I start looking for the Marines." The kids laughed, just what he needed from them right now. "Now David...I want you to repeat after me: you look where you go."

"You look where you go."

"Alright, for the rest of the day I want you to remember that. You're looking down a lot, right in front of you, and if you look down you're going to go down. I want your head up, always looking downhill, looking where you want to start your next turn..."

"Aaron?"

"Aaron?"

"I want you to stay on my ass. Keep your eyes on the angle of my downhill ski and where I keep my hands during turns, and you do the exact same thing. Bend at the knees, absorb the ruts. Okay?"

They took off, skied down another few hundred yards; again he coached and critiqued them, adding skills, pointing out mistakes, always building them up, keeping them focused, and they kept at it all the way down to the Gent's Ridge lift, then they paired off and rode up together.

"Didi, you're with me this trip."

They loaded up and rode up, the girl swinging her skis back and forth, obviously happy to be up here on the mountain. "So," Aaron asked, "what's with NASTAR?"

"I think Lindsey Vonn is the coolest."

"Yeah? Me too," he said, chuckling. "What's with your brother?"

She frowned. "Dad."

"Oh?"

"He promised to ski with us, but he's off with friends today. Something to do with his company."

"Does that happen a lot?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"So, have you raced NASTAR before?"

"Nope, but it looks fun..."

"It is fun! They open at 10:30, so we'll make a few more runs, then head over there. Sound good?"

"You betcha!"

"Okay, watch your poles...let's get off...about...now!"

They slid down the ramp and the five of them gathered round. "Okay, it's follow the leader time. Terry? You're going to lead off, and you're all going to follow her. After a while, we'll switch and Didi will take the lead, then David, then Aaron. I'm going down the hill a little, and I'll watch from there."

He poled away and skied a few hundred yards down the hill...

"What did you two talk about," Terry asked Didi.

"NASTAR, mostly. When it opens, that kind of stuff. Okay Mom, he's waving..."

Terry took off and the next hour passed quickly, then he rode up with her after their third run of the morning. "You up for NASTAR this morning?"

"Sure," she said, "it might be fun."

"Okay, we should grab some fluid, then we'll head down."

"Didi has a crush on you, I think," Terry said, grinning. "I can't blame her, really. You still look like you're about twenty years old."

"Hah. You should feel my thighs. They never burned like this when I was twenty..." He looked down, saw her hand on his left thigh, and she squeezed it while she looked at him.

"Feels hard," she said. "Are you always this hard?"

"Heard from your husband?"

"Yes, he's going to try to meet us for lunch." Her hand moved up higher and he looked at her.

"This isn't the time, Terry."

"Do you think there's still time for us?"

He smiled, looked away. "We had our chance, once upon a time. It didn't happen, and maybe that's best."

"Maybe."

"What happened, after you left Palo Alto?"

She looked away, her hand on his thigh grew still. "My mother happened, I guess you could say. I told her all about it, everything that happened. My parents put me in a hospital."

"A hospital?"

"Mental," she said.

"For having an abortion?"

"I was..."

"You were doing okay when you left..."

"Mother thought it best, and that was that."

"I see." He looked at her, at the fine lines of her face, that beautiful skin. Time had been kind to her. "So, what's the real story. With you and your husband?"

"He's with his secretary, I assume. She came with us. She always comes with us. She baby-sits when we go out, then he takes her home. Sometimes it takes him hours and hours before he gets back too. Imagine that."

"It happens."

"I never thought it would happen to me."

"What about you?"

"What about me? I'm the cliché, Aaron. The middle-aged housewife, the once upon a time arm candy, now being replaced by the latest model..."

"Not what I meant."

"Oh, am I the faithful, clueless wife? Do I fuck around? Is that what you mean, Aaron?"

"Sorry I asked."

"Why? I am, you know. Faithfulness is the best strategy, legally, you know."

"I always thought love was the best way..."

"Love? You've got to be kidding me! I have never once believed in love. Never."

"Never? You never loved me? Not even just a little?"

"Oh, I always loved you, Aaron, but you were different."

"Different?"

"You were never marriage material. Not by mother's standards, anyway."

"That sounds mercenary, Terry. Not like the girl I knew."

"You didn't know me, Aaron, you just wanted someone to rescue. That's who you were."

"Gee. I never knew."

She laughed. "And if you hadn't been there, Aaron, I'd have died."

"No you..."

She was taking off her gloves, pulling up her sleeves, then pointing at scars on her wrists. "That's why I went to the hospital, Aaron."

"I still don't get it, Terry. When you left you were so much better. Are you saying your mother torqued your head, and you ended up doing this?"

"Maybe it was as simple as that."

"But aren't you saying you've ended up being just like your mother? That just doesn't make any sense, Terry."

"We are what we are, Aaron. Nature, nurture, who cares?"

"So, you're a clone? Your mother's view of the world, round two? You had no say in the matter? Is that what you really mean?"

"I never felt like I had a choice. I tried the rebellion thing, you know, in high school, but anyone with a brain can see that leads nowhere fast. Like drugs and blowjobs are the best way to go. Really?! Women can't make it to the top, and you know that as well as I do. So you marry money. It's not selfish, it's not narcissism, it's just pure Darwin, Aaron. It's Hobbes, the whole nasty, brutish and short thing. You marry money to provide the best possible outcomes for your children. Love and happiness don't mean anything in that world, Aaron, because money is happiness. Besides, when you have money you can buy all the love you need."

He looked at her, then looked away, towards Highlands and Snowmass and at the snow and the trees that defined his life. "I guess you found your way home, Terry," he said as they came to the top of the lift.

He lifted the gate and with poles in hand slid off the seat onto the ramp, and she slid to a stop next to him, looking ahead at her children. "Let's take a break, get something to drink," he said to the kids, and they all poled over to the Sundeck. "See you back out here in ten minutes." He took his skis off and went to the ski school shack and checked his messages while he slammed down a bottle of water, then he walked back to the deck outside the restaurant and put his skis on -- and waited.

Twenty minutes later Didi came out, a deep frown etched on her face.

"Mom and Aaron are fighting again," she said, pouting. "They always ruin everything."

"Some days are better than others, huh?"

"Not around our house," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well, we'll give 'em a few minutes, then you and I will go run some gates."

She looked up at him and grinned. "Could we?"

"Sure, kid."

"Mom said she knew you in college."

"Yup, that's true, we were friends one year. She was a good friend, as a matter of fact."

"Oops, here they come."

"Better get your skis on, Didi."

Aaron walked over, red-faced and fuming while he put on his skis, and his friend David looked like he'd just realized what a big mistake he'd made coming on vacation with his friend. Terry was oblivious, her face an impenetrable mask as she walked up. "Tom asked if he could join us for lunch," she said. "Will we be eating up here?"

Aaron nodded. "It works out well, saves time, if he wouldn't mind."

She pulled out her phone and sent a text, then got her skis on.

"Okay, we're taking Bellissimo again, right to the starting area for the course, and we're going to sign you up. Then we'll walk the course, check out the gates, and run over some strategies. Follow me!"

He poled off and built up speed, let his skis run down the slope a little faster than they had so far this morning, and he saw they were just keeping up so he slowed a little, then pulled up to the starting area and talked to the attendant: "Four of 'em this morning."

The boy handed over four clipboards and Aaron handed them out as Terry and her kids arrived, red faced and out of breath. When they were through he took them down beside the course and pointed out how to run the course: red-blue-red-blue all the way down.

"Now, where do you start your turn?" he asked them.

"You ski up to the gate and turn!" Didi said.

"Ah, well Didi, if you do that you'll never make the next gate, so what we do is start our turn when we're about halfway to the gate, and the next one when we're about halfway to it, and so on. Now David, remember talking about looking where you go? Well, we're going to modify that a little. As you approach one gate, I want you to look through the gate, by that I mean all the way through the turn to the next gate, so all the way down the course you're going to be looking at least one gate ahead. Got it?"

They side-slipped down the course and he pointed out where they should look when they were here, where they should look when they got there, all the way down the hill, then they skied down to the lift and went back to the top and he skied back down to the starting area even faster than before.

Terry was almost gasping now, and both David and Aaron were panting. Only Didi seemed unfazed and he smiled at her.

"I want to go against you," she said, and he laughed.

"Nope, I'm not getting in the middle of this," he laughed. "Y'all decide who races against each other," he said as he shook the snow off his skis. "I'll help you get set up in the starting gate!"

Terry chose David, leaving Didi and her brother Aaron to slug it out in round one, and Terry skied over to the gate and got set. David had done this before so went and got set on his own, then the starting attendant went to his timing console and reset the clocks.

Terry and David got in the chutes, arms over the timing wand.

"Racers take your mark!"

The countdown timer beeped, then: "Three-two-one-START!"

Terry took an immediate lead, but Davis skied a steadier pace and halfway down the course Terry skied wide and blew a gate. Both Aarons laughed when they heard her profanity all the way up the hill.

"Okay guys, you see how that was done, right? Get your skis lined up in the chute, with your poles outside the wand. When you here the countdown at "three", bend down at the knees a little, and on "Start!" I want you to spring up over your poles and skate down the ramp for the first gate. Remember, look at the next gate before the one you're about to take...keep looking down the hill. Okay, get in the chute, and look at Mark there when you're ready to go."

Didi poled into the chute, her brother had a little trouble and appeared nervous, then they both said they were ready.

"Racers take your mark!"

The countdown timer began beeping again, then: "Three-two-one-START!"

Didi blew out of the starting gate like she'd been hit with a cattle prod and ran through the gates without any trouble; her brother fell at the third gate and Aaron helped him up, then they skied down together. Didi placed well enough for a silver medal, David a bronze, and both Terry and Aaron were jazzed up, wanted another go at the course.

The group skied down to the lift and rode back up to the top, and the two Aarons rode together this time.

"You looked a little nervous in the starting gate. What was going on in your mind?"

"I was mad at Mom, and I couldn't concentrate on anything."

"You wanna stop, or try again?"

"I want to beat her ass!"

"What did she do to get you so riled up?"

"She keeps defending Dad. He promised he'd come up today but says he has business to take care of. Ha! The only business he's taking care of is between June's legs!"

"June?"

"His secretary."

"Do you think your Mom knows what's going on?"

"Sure she does..."

"Well then, you probably ought to let her handle this. You just concentrate on those gates, because I guarantee you, when you get back home all those problems will still be there with you, while these gates will still be up here."

The boy nodded. "I see your point."

"Enjoy yourself when you get up here. Take a deep breath, look around, try to appreciate just how lucky you are to be here. Your parents will figure it out. Don't let them spoil your trip up here."

"Mom says she knew you in college. Were you close?"

He looked at the boy. "Friends, yes. She was my roommates girlfriend. We took some ski trips together, that sort of thing."

"So, y'all never did it?"

Aaron laughed. "No, we sure didn't, but it wasn't because I didn't want to."

"David's got the hots for her. I think he's sick."

"Ever seen The Graduate?"

"That a movie?"

"Yeah. You should check it out sometime. Watch it with David if you wanna see him squirm."

They both laughed, and he wondered when the kid would get the joke.

"Okay, let's get off..."

They skied back down to the starting gate, Terry itching for a rematch, but Aaron had other plans. "Terry, you're racing your son. David, you're going solo this trip, while Didi and I are going head to head."

"Awright!" Didi screamed, high-fiving her mom.

"And we're going first, Ace, so get in the gate and get ready to get your butt whupped!"

She looked at him and smiled, pointed at him and said "Your ass is mine!"

Terry looked startled, then laughed as she stood behind Didi and started cheering.

"Racers take your mark!"

The countdown timer was beeping before Aaron got settled in, then the final countdown: "Three-two-one-START!"

Didi blew out of the starting gate and was scorching down the course; Aaron got right on her tail on the parallel course and paced her, let her take him by a few feet and she was ecstatic, bouncing around pumping her fists. She came over and hugged him, took her gold medal and continued whooping and hollering.

"Okay, here come your mom and Aaron. Let's watch!"

They could hear the countdown timer beeping, then Terry and her son were on the course, and it was a close race all the way down, but Aaron crossed the line just ahead of his mom and he too went wild, jumping, fist pumping and yelling, and they both did well enough for a silver medal. David came next, racing the clock and doing well enough for a gold this time and everyone was beside themselves, pinning each others medals on and high-fiving all the while...

"So?" Aaron asked. "One more race before lunch?"

"Hell yeah," Terry said, "and this time, your ass is grass!" She was pointing at Aaron, fire in her eyes.

"You're on!" he said, and they rode up together in the chairlift again. "This is turning out so much better than I hoped," she said, smiling, wrapping her arm in his.

"Nothing better than time out here to refocus your life."

"That's what you did before, you know. I wonder what would've happened if I'd stayed out there that summer with you?"

"In my dreams, yeah, that's what happened. We would've been married right after graduation, those would be my kids, and we would've lived happily ever after..."

He looked over at her, saw she was staring at him, wide-eyed, almost crying.

"You never told me how you felt, Aaron. Why not?"

"I always thought actions speak louder than words. My mistake."

She laughed at that. "You know, over the years when I think about love I think of you. That's why I named Aaron after you. Think I should tell him?" she said with a twinkle in her eye.

"Maybe when you get home," he chuckled. "Who knows? Might do him some good."

"It's been a miracle running into you."

"Has it?"

"Yes, I'd lost track of all those feelings. Stanford, all those ski trips."

"It was fun, while it lasted anyway."

"I enjoyed my time with you most of all, you know. Henry was such an evil shit, and you, his exact opposite. You were always there."

"It was love at first sight, Terry. Naïve, maybe, but that's what it was."

"Okay, time to get your ass waxed..."

He smiled as they got off the lift. "You head on down, I'll bring up the rear..."

He watched her pole off and head down the run, and watching her was like watching a memory come back to life, a diamond with so many flaws -- yet they were meaningless compared to the beauty of her time in his life.