Rude, Lewd and Interesting

Platinum-blonde city socialite Carol Menzies arrived home tired after spending four hours at the Mayor's annual fund-raising charity dinner listening, to 1½ hours of speeches.

However, the food was splendid almost making the single ticket of $1500 worthwhile. For thin-faced and gushy Carol, 'almost' was a word embodying infinite elasticity as if to say 'there's almost life on Mars'.

A more basic person would have described the evening as 'a fucking boring rip-off with passable food' but Carol would be dismissive of that, although not having to pay for admission as she'd seeded the organization and promotion of the event with a $15k donation.

The garage door closed automatically behind her

The millionaire in her own right (after two failed marriages) checked the suspended video screen just above the front of the car windscreen that triggered the scanner. It revealed the only living thing above the size of a rat inside the house was her sleeping housemaid Rosa, and a quick enlargement revealed no one was beside Rosa.

She entered the house idly wondering who her latest husband Bevan was seducing that night and whether her daughter Eliot was practicing safe sex by being in the arms of one of her only child's girlfriends.

In the home office, Carol checked her emails with the spam already filtered out. There were three invitations to social functions. She declined one and accepted two, those acceptances automatically being entered into her social diary as full messages.

She'd saved the only other message for last; it was from her sister who lived in New Zealand, Zoe. Although the two fought like cats, she loved Zoe.

Hi Carol

Hope you are having you usual loving Autumn. Harris has graduated Master of Music (Performance). You will recall you were responsible for this interest, sending your nephew a ukulele for his fifth birthday. He wishes to spend a month in the States winding down after spending three months following competition of his academic studies before refocusing on his next move. Darling, could he stay with you for a while? He leaves for heading your way this Saturday.

Zoe.

Carol replied yes, that Zoe should send the flight details and she'd meet Harris at the local airport.

Sighing, Carol remembered the last time Harris had visited: a pimply faced quiet and intellectual youth who'd just turned eighteen.

Twice she'd caught Eliot's girlfriends, first Mandy and then Kyra, sucking his penis on the sunroom sofa. The poor embarrassed boy; she knew it hadn't been his fault. She'd been rather taken breathless at seeing the length and width of it.

Both girls had looked crestfallen when sent off with a warning not to practice their disgusting recreational habits in Carol's home ever again.

Carol wondered if she should have Harris sleep with her. He would be almost twenty-four now; it had been almost that long since she last slept with her compulsive fornicating husband and he'd shifted, at her request, into one of the guests' bedrooms.

No, her family wouldn't tolerate her fornicating with her nephew. She'd put Harris into the wing where Eliot slept. He'd be left un-molested there as her daughter confined sex to her females she knew and trusted. What a sensible girl.

Next morning, Carol told Eliot of her cousin's imminent arrival. Eliot was Carol's step-daughter who Carol had cared for apart from the first ten months of Eliot's life.

Oval-faced with a generously wide mouth that took focus off her almost Roman nose, Eliot sighed and asked, "Where will he sleep?"

"Not with you dear, in the room opposite you."

"But what if one of my girl friends stays and he hears us?"

"Well after the first time of hearing your lusty females, I'd assume he'd have learned of your sexual preference."

"But that will be so embarrassing. I know, let him sleep with you when I have a friend stay over."

"Very droll darling; your father would be impressed."

"Why do you think that? He fucks anything that moves."

"That is an exaggeration, I'm sure."

Eliot bit her lip and then decided to say it.

"He's tried it on with Rosa on three occasions."

"The wicked devil; I hope he doesn't give her a sexual nasty."

Eliot looked shocked.

"Is he contaminated and a carrier?"

"I wouldn't know, but he does put it around a great deal, so my friends tell me."

Eliot saw this as an opportunity to learn more. "When did you two last have sex?"

"Almost three years ago."

"Then where do you find comfort?"

"My dear, as I go to extraordinary lengths to bury my tracks and that means I'm very unlikely to tell you, no matter how much I love you and knowing I could trust you to keep quiet. Please understand my situation."

Eliot smiled and kissed her mom. For as long as she could remember, she'd regarded Carol as her mom, rather than her step-mom.

"You are very wise not to tell me mom. I like the thought that you are receiving your share."

"I seem to do very well with casual alternative male company darling, and since we are having this riveting mother-daughter chat, may I ask do you ever do it with males?"

"Occasionally, and currently it's once or twice a week with the brother of one of my girlfriend's lovers."

"What, the three of you...err...together?"

"What time does the music man from New Zealand arrive, mom?"

"Oh, sorry; over the boundary, was I? He's due from Los Angeles at 7:30 on Saturday evening."

"Good, I'll be at a movie on Saturday with Delaney and won't invite her to stay the night."

Carol said a good move; Delaney was likely to also favor a romp with the visitor.

Eliot flushed and shrugged.

On Friday at breakfast, Carol and Bevan began to bicker. Eliot moved in to break it up and found Carol was breaking a dinner date with him on Saturday with three other couples who dine out together twice a year.

Bevan snorted, "She wants to meet this bozo from New Zealand."

"I'll go to an earlier movie and meet him mom."

"Darling, you don't have to give up your evening, your father is quite capable of going out to dinner without me or alternatively finding a substitute to partner him."

"No, for the sake a peace, allow me to substitute for you mom and I'll meet my cousin."

"Thanks baby," said Bevan. "Here's a couple of hundred toward dinner and the movies with your arty distant cousin from god knows where."

"Thanks daddy."

* * *

People off the aircraft cleared quickly and the only person left was a guy with a backpack talking to two female flight attendants who were laughing with him and showed no urgency about walking off with their wheelie travel bags. Eliot decided it must be him, the grease-ball.

"Harris?"

"Hi, you can't be Eliot?"

The other two women kissed him -- kissed him! -- and were away taking a second look at Eliot but no longer smiling.

"Yes, I'm Eliot, cousin Harris."

"We're really not cousins," he said to the 22- year with handy-looking chest. "That means we can, you know."

"What do I know?" Eliot asked coldly.

"Um, we can legally copulate."

Eliot said what a wonderfully intelligent, thoughtful and caring way of greeting a relative by marriage.

Harris's confidence plummeted, Eliot noted happily. She stood waiting for the apology.

"You're a very beautiful woman."

Eliot felt like slapping the barbarian from Down Under but her vanity took unfair advantage of her; she blushed.

"Let's grab your luggage and go."

"I have my kit between my blades," he said mysteriously and noting her confusion pointed to his back-pack.

"What, one month in America and that's all you have brought with you?"

"Yep."

"But..."

"I'm male. Besides what I'll need, I'll buy. I prefer traveling light because of all this airport security crap. Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No, why?"

He looked at her breasts before giving a nonsensical answer. "Just wondering."

"Just wondering what?"

"If you'll be my first fuck in America?"

"You disgusting oaf."

He grinned: "Why are you bleating, you forced me to answer?"

Eliot fired: "I certainly did not."

"Did so -- you asked me 'just wondering what?' Kiwis don't lie or give glib answers as easily as do Americans. You forced me to answer honestly."

"Honestly I can't believe this; you have no right defaming the American people."

He smiled, "It's legally impossible to defame when you speak the truth as truth is an absolute defense."

An airport security office approached and asked Eliot, "Is this guy bothering you?"

"Absolutely," Eliot said angrily.

"Okay guy," said the officer, hand on his holstered baton, "You best come with me."

Eliot realized the implications of that, should it happen.

"Oh no, mom will have a fit if I don't bring him home with me. Harris, stop it."

Harris had gone into a relaxed crouch, hands slightly crossed in front of his chest; he eyed the security officer unblinkingly.

"I'm sorry officer," she said. "It was just a slight tiff between cousins."

"Come on Harris," she said, taking him by the arm and hauling him upright. "He's been flying for around twenty hours and so is jaded and disoriented officer. I'm taking him home to bed. He's a musician, so is definitely harmless."

"What instrument does he play?" the officer asked warily.

"The ukulele, I think."

The officer removed his hand from his baton, roaring with laughter and waved them off. "Move your asses fast and get out of my airport."

Eliot had placed an arm around Harris low to avoid his backpack as negotiated the crowd of people to avoid losing him. Appreciating the unexpected familiarity from her, he placed an arm high around her, cupping her right breast. She used her free hand to jerk his hand down and said, "Behave yourself you fool. I have never been as embarrassed in my entire life."

"You haven't had much fun, then. As for me, what about that time your mother caught Mandy Kennedy sucking me off and two days later screamed her head off in anger when she caught Kyra whatshername doing exactly the same thing?"

"And I suppose that's your sole memory of your previous visit to the US?"

"No, I remember how fabulous your mother was and how you kneed me when I pulled down the top of your swimsuit to look at those little tits of yours, at least they were little then."

"God, you're crude. Does sex rule your life?"

"Well sex and music are two major influences."

"What about culture?"

"What's culture? Will you voluntarily show me your tits this time?"

"You are positively evil Harris Kingston. I'm delivering you home and you stay away from me and my girlfriends, do you hear?"

"It will be my pleasure Eliot," Harris said, letting go the under-wire of her bra and pulling out of her grip until there was a foot gap between them. "You are about as exciting as a barrel full of monkey farts."

Although scandalized, Eliot failed to prevent a screaming laugh that had Harris turn to see if airport security guys were running towards them in a pack. But none were in sight and would have been blocked by the hordes of travelers, greeters and luggage carts anyway.

In the parking lot, Harris held out his hand.

"What?"

"The keys."

"You won't have a clue..."

She decided it was not worth the fight.

"I am nervous being driven by a woman."

She sighed at Mr Macho from an uncivilized country on the other side of the world.

She was aware that New Zealanders in their country drove on the other side of the road, and that presented the risk that with Harris driving, they'd either have an accident or be apprehended by the police; perhaps both. Also, it was an American-made vehicle, he wouldn't have a clue. She'd teach the arrogant dickhead; she wouldn't open her mouth until they were either in an accident, being arrested or were lost.

Her mouth opened but only to register reactions.

He jumped into the driver's seat of her mom's old 2006 Chrysler Sebring convertible, put the seat back without any fumbling, adjusted the mirrors, started the motor and was off, driving on the correct side of the road.

He drove five to seven mph over the speed limit, which is what Eliot would expect from a male, but what she didn't expect was he drove her home without any instructions, in the dead of night, well, it was 10:30 by then.

"Left-hand side of the garage?"

She nodded and when he parked and switched off the motor, he waited for the video scan and said, "Three people in bed, two in the front bedrooms and one at the rear of the house. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"That will be your mom leaving the bed and heading out towards us?"

"Yes. I'm flabbergasted: how did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Drive the car without requesting any instructions and finding your way here just as well as I could?"

"You wouldn't accept superior intelligence, would you?"

That was greeted by a blank look.

"I thought as much. I emailed your mom and asked for the year and models of your vehicles and when she replied I looked up their specifications and photographic views and read road tests and owner's feedback."

"That told me a lot. I looked up the street map and learned the fastest route from the airport to here, using satellite maps to make the route even more realistic."

"Hmm, you're not necessarily the over-sexed dummy from Down Under I thought you were?"

He chuckled and said, "No, but my mom calls me the greatest tease on earth. Come on: a truce. Give me a kiss -- it doesn't mean sex as I am aware of your preference. We have to live together and play together. You have oodles of girlfriends and so I won't require you for sex."

Hot, with her heart hammering. Eliot puckered her lips and turned to him, feeling revolted with the thought she was about to have a tongue rammed halfway down her throat.

Instead, something approaching the feeling of a butterfly touched her lips and he pulled away with her wanting more. How could this be? She sat confused as the door into the house opened and her mom stood there and screamed, "Harris!"

With alarm Eliot saw her mom's unguarded expression and knew Carol would fuck Harris, given half a chance; that look gave her away completely. She didn't know if she were jealous; she didn't know what to think and left the car and just listened.

"Oh my, have you developed into a fine-looking young man. Oh, I'm feeling rather lightheaded. Take my arm darling."

"You look great, even better than those photos you email to mum, my favorite aunt. Gosh, look at the figure, will you? It's easy to tell you're the younger sister. Do you still have those big, wet kisses you used to give me?"

"I've never given you fat wet kisses."

"Oh, a memory lapse. I seem to remember it usually occurred when you came out of the shower and used to call me in to towel you dry."

Eliot boggled at hearing that.

"Harris, stop making up these things. Eliot will begin to believe this rubbish. You always were such a cute teaser."

Cute?

Eliot said, "Oh yeah, mom. I'll book you in to an examination by a shrink in the morning to examine your fitness to be out of mental confinement."

Her mom ignored that and said, "Hold still Harris while I kiss you; it will be a kiss like your mother gives you."

"Ah, sloppy."

"Oh, here we go then," Carol gigged.

Eliot had no negative thoughts about this. Her mom had her playtime with men so why should it be any different with her nephew? He'd taken a leap from being a son-of-a-bitch at the airport terminal into a loveable charmer, holding her mom in his arms and smiling down at her like that. It was how her mom was meant to be treated.

However, he ought not have sex with his aunt; she'd call Delaney over in the morning as it was Saturday. Delaney was big into being bi-sexual activity so she'd love being given the first opportunity to have a crack at Eliot's handsome foreign relative.

The word handsome had just popped into her mind; she disliked using that term when observing and occasionally thinking about males, but undeniably her cousin was handsome. Delaney would wet herself the moment she saw him.

Eliot wondered if she were jealous of that thought and decided not particularly and wasn't surprised that she felt like that. 'Not particularly' described exactly how she felt.

They went inside for coffee and when Eliot yawned, she decided to leave the other two talking about her Aunt Zoe and people her mom knew in New Zealand; Zoe and Carol exchanged visits a year apart. She kissed her mom and said goodnight to their visitor but as she reached the door Harris called softly, "Don't I rate a goodnight kiss?"

She returned, knowing her mom would be watching with interest. Harris stood but kept his arms to his side: she reached up -- God he was tall -- and kissed him on the lips very deliberately and said "Goodnight Mr Visitor."

* * *

Delaney arrived, yawning.

Eliot had invited her for breakfast, eager to see the encounter between her best friend and the Kiwi as he called himself instead of a New Zealander. He'd slept two nights in Los Angeles and so would be over his jet lag.

"Why have I been invited for breakfast; this is a first," Delaney said, stretching.

That action almost made Eliot's eyes pop; gawd Delaney had a great body.

"And why the instruction to wear something sexy? Mom was surprised by that message and wondered if we'd decided to seek the company of men for a change?"

"All good things come to those who wait," Eliot said mysteriously and asked if her friend wanted coffee. They both decided on green tea.

Harris walked in wearing just a pair of white shorts and an unbuttoned short-sleeved shirt, sniffed and said he smelt green tea and asked for a mug of it.

Eliot couldn't smell a thing and thought the Kiwi would freeze when he saw the surprise. But as she turned to Delaney, she saw who the frozen one was: her friend was rigid, mouth sagging, eyes bulging slightly and almost a devout look of a church-going believer on her face.

Eliot looked at Harris and was forced to press her thighs together. His dark brown hair was in a mess, he had light brown hair over a chest that was wide and muscular and the six-pack looked carved out of steel and his green eyes were fixed on Delaney as if to say, 'Why hello darling'.

Oh God, why was she doing this to herself?

"Harris, please meet my best friend Delaney Thomas. Delaney this is my first cousin by adoption Harris Kingston from New Zealand. Delaney has just dropped in from breakfast which is a first for her as being a regular here for supper is more likely."

"Why hello Delaney, are you an entrant in the Miss America contest?" he said, walking around the table to her, holding out his hand. "What is the local custom, do we shake hands or kiss?"

Delaney stood transfixed, eyes now widened, Eliot knew her friend would be wetting herself, but not with urine. She'd never seen Delaney stunned like this. Delaney unable to talk, wow, that was something.

"If it's a real friendly first greeting we do kiss," Eliot said, receiving a grateful glance from Delaney who seemed to be recovering from paralysis.

Harris kissed the top of Delaney's chestnut covered head and she looked scandalized.

"That's not a kiss," she managed.

Harris either didn't hear her or chose to ignore her; he walked to the counter. He unerringly opened the cupboard containing the mugs and then the next cupboard containing the tin of green tea bags and brought his filled mug to the table.

Noticing Eliot's open-mouth stare, he waved his hand at the cupboards and said, "The layout of cupboard contents is logical."

At that little incident Eliot realized standing before her, or rather actually sitting now, was the man she'd been waiting for, a complex man, good looking, with the ability to deliver charm and someone she felt she could love, although he would require some training.