Rudi 01

Rudi 01

Hi there, I'm Rudi and like most people, I try to get out and do this or that and participate in this event or that event and my only restriction is that I get to dress my way. I don't get invited to a lot of things, but I take advantage of most things that are open to the public, like car shows, festivals, some trade shows and other things like that. And thanks to modern social media and city or neighborhood pages, there is always something going on, so, yay to all of those people who pull all of the events together.

Yay, all except for a recent event that not only did I attend to watch and wander around, I took a stupid pill and participated. But I knew the competing nerds, I mean, guys and girls from school, so, why not, right?

And I even knew that it is was a losing cause going into it when I bought the equipment that I needed to participate from the tent vendor because it was two dollars versus their bazillion dollar equipment, but it was something to do and I have a very decent Saturday afternoon look, so I went about it and joined in with the fun.

Oh, it was a nerd Kite Battle in East Park here in Middleton. And in my three rounds of battle, I lasted all of 47 seconds. In total.

But in my weak as hell defense, those nerds, I mean guys and girls, have been kite battling since they were mere youngsters. And in my slightly better defense, I wasn't the only victim. But I was the only victim who dressed differently, which may or may not have added to the trash talk afterwards, but nobody directly said anything about how I dressed, so I took that as a victory. I mean, I had to endure Josh's loud mouth chants of "loss, loss, loss, I'm your boss" several times, but he never said anything nasty about how my fishnets were visible through the distressed holes in my distressed jeans, so I took his trash talk and I think I even smirked back at him once during his "you can't fly, so, bye, bye" chants after my third and final battle.

And I even had a knight come to my defense a couple of times after battles one and two. Another guy from school, Dale, who, LOL, had the roll of clear sticky tape and he made efforts to repair my two dollars kite after having been shark bitten by literally everyone else. But that was nice of Dale and to me, it was a moment. Not a huge or heated moment, but he tended to my wounded duck and he didn't flinch as I placed my hand on him here and there while he was my paper kite mechanic. It was innocent and all, of course, but I'm not afraid of guys, so it was nice. LOL, and the guy knew how to work a roll of clear sticky tape!

Anyways, I had the afternoon score as two in my favor for participating and mingling with my mechanic and two against me for the battle losses and for the trash talk. I mean, did I mention that Josh is a loud mouth nerd?

Anyways, it was a tie and I'm okay with ties, so I was about to call it an afternoon and go about the rest of day, when Dale the mechanic threw me a monkey wrench. Or maybe it was a combination wrench. I don't know, you have to ask my kite mechanic to be sure.

"Alright, Rudi, technically, you have to set a match to your cheap kite to admit defeat, so?"

"Ugh, Dale, wasn't it enough already that I had hang my head in shame and walk the half circle of nerds after each battle loss then, hmm? Also, my ponytail bounced as I walked, right?"

"Well, you have to do it, Rudi and if it helps, your cheap paper kite will flame out quicker than your total elapsed battle time. And if it helps even more, I mean, I'm not telling any stories here, but I'm pretty sure that a couple of guys mumble "Rudi with the booty" as you strutted past their victory quarter moon circle and don't even give me those eyes! You were strutting more than walking, so. And yes, your ponytail was bouncing, not that I even know what that means, so."

Great. Not like I haven't heard that one before, folks, Rudi with the booty, with or without a group of nerds. Also, thank you mother nature.

"OMG, Dale, don't tell me, that doodoo head meanie, Josh, is the holder of the fire matches? I can't handle any more of his trash talk!"

"Well, throw your shoulders back high, Rudi and don't quiver then."

"Hah! You quivered when I lip planted you for repairing my cheap kite! Which, actually I might be sorry for if that really bothered you, Dale, so?"

Well, I just said it, he came to torn kite rescue and the guy really knew how to work a roll of tape!

"Oh, ooh, Rudi, don't do that in public anymore, but, um, well, never mind if my body quivered a little or not, just get with the admission of defeat and maintain eye contact."

Nope, Dale was not the first guy I made quiver before, not that my quivering generating skills are all that, but I am not afraid to make a guy quiver and although to date, I haven't been totally challenged to take all that quivering full circle, but I'm not afraid for that day. Which was not that day, of course, but I have no problem with people putting the moves on each other.

Plus, well, Dale really knew how to work his roll of tape and we were that close to one another and it felt like a quick lip smash would go un-noticed, so, I made a move. End of story, I guess.

So, back to my Kite Battle story. Even though my losses were shameful and quick, it was still exciting to participate and to not be called out for dressing out of the wrong closet, so for a brief 7 seconds, I even considered hosting a Kite Battle After Party, which, yes, would be a first on the planet, but then those thoughts vanished as quickly as I thought about them because as Dale said, I had to do it.

I mean, it's just not cool to have some over, but not all, right? And trust me, I'd rather go back to dressing and behaving straight then invite that loud mouth, trash talking, doodoo head meanie, Josh over to my place, so.

Oh, also, I mean, I gave Dale a way out earlier, right? I mean, I stole a kiss and lip pushed back just a tad, but I didn't make a big deal out of the way his body quivered, so, I gave him the required way out, right?

And I further supported his "way out" by not asking him anything else in front of people as I prepped myself for the dreadful, yet mandatory admission of defeat by fire match. Like help with ponytail. I went elsewhere for that.

"Amber, is my ponytail straight in the back, hmm?"

"Yeah, right, that's what these faggots are worried about [pull, smooth, pull, gather, pull, gather] more than your other back, so, keep your head up high then, Rudi."

"Well, Amber, if I didn't have to go through this humiliation in the park, I mean, I was this close to throwing a After Party, but hey, that's in the rearview now if I have to endure more stupid trash talk from Josh, so."

"A party? I'll tie Josh up to a tree in the park and set him on fire myself! I mean, look around, Rudi, this is and was our Saturday party and the damn sun is still in the sky! So, what's the fallback plan then, hmm? Also, look around, Rudi, this is our sorry ass excuse of a party!"

Well, I didn't have a fallback plan nor did I have time to research a fallback plan on Chang, so. But I kept my shoulders high and thrown back.

Also, huh, Josh is taller than he appears when you keep your distance from him.

"I guess I need a stick match then, Josh. And only one. I was going to ask you for two stick matches so that I could light the tiki lamps in my back yard for an After Party tonight, but that fallback plan isn't happening now, so?"

"Rudi, the words are "as I strike this match, I admit that I have met my match" and then lower your head as you lean down and set your losing kite on fire, Rudi. And why would you cancel a party? Haven't you looked around and noticed our sorry ass excuse for a literally anything social, hmm?"

"As I strike this match, I dream of where my lips will latch" or something like that."

[Strikes match strikes, drops match, poof, whoa, dollar kites ignite fast!]

And that's how you leave a doodoo head meanie standing stunned. And stomping out a "poof" fire in the park because nerds don't own tons of shoes like some of us do and I kicked the flaming kite towards his doodoo head meanie feet, so he had to jump and stomp fast.

And yep, I played by the rules and kept my ponytail bouncing as I absolutely strutted in front of the rest of nerds and took my final position next to Amber again.

"Huh, we all figured you for trading in your balls so you could wear smaller undies, Rudi, but that was, um, unexpected and just a little cool as hell and well, you still have balls then, hmm?"

[Josh still at it, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp]

"So, is there an event tonight at your place or what then, Rudi, hmm?"

Well, there it was, right folks? You can't invite some and not all, right? I mean, that's just not cool anywhere or between any cliques or groups, so there it was.

Oh, and yes, I agree with you. Anyone of them could easily at any time have opened up one of their places for a pizza mixer at any time. And you don't need to be a rocket scientist to host a mixer. Just put away the game controllers, put away the telescopes and put away the chemistry set and poof, a mixer. And a poof fire.

Oh, yeah, all except for that they all still live in their mom's basements! Well, I think the girls still stay upstairs, but it's still the 'rents house, right?

Oh, hey there, folks, all of a sudden, hey, I'm Rudi and I'm the most adult person in this conversation!

"Well, technically, Amber, my response is nope, there is no After Party planned for my place tonight. Besides, since none of us actually hung out before, I mean, everyone likes pizza or subs, but I don't know if you guys like beer, wine coolers, root beer, frosty root beer. But I do know that there is a sign above my front door that says doodoo head meanie trash talk is not appreciated, so."

"Ooh, um, Devin and I can pick up a few beverages. I mean, since the sun is still in the sky from our Saturday party, I mean, there is plenty of time for all that. Well, I mean, Devin and I can take care of that just as soon as she is finished filing her nails and all, so."

"[File, file, file.] Huh? What? [File, file, file]. I mean, I heard that there might be a party tonight, so I wanted to be prepared. I mean, look around, who would bother filing their fingernails for this sorry ass excuse of an event! I mean, the sun is still up, for Pete's sakes!"

And to clarify, folks, nowhere in the above did I commit to hosting a mixer. Right?

But I still had my anger issues with that loud mouth, trash talking devil, Josh.

"Alright, Josh, you have another victory notch in your belt and that's fine and you deserve it based on your killer kite flying skills, but I'm not having a mixer tonight, so don't come over tonight or any other day ever, so?"

"Oh, then why is Devin filing her fingernails like she's breaking out prison then, hmm?"

"Huh, what [file, file, file]?"

"Oh, Devin is just being prepared for anything that might come along that is an actual social event and if she and Amber stop by "We B Party Supplies" before showing up at my place later evening, well, I just hope that they don't also walk two more doors down the Strip and browse around for a date for you at the "Blow Up Girlfriend" store. I mean, you are a gold member there, right trash talker, hmm?"

"Hah! I'm a platinum member, well, wait, what store? I only shop at the "Nerd Hand Held Controller" store another six doors down the Strip from the "Uh-huh, I'm your Girlfriend" store, so?"

"Well, whatever, Josh, just give me some fire matches so I can light the tiki torches in my backyard for a normal Saturday "home alone" ambiance effect, so?"

[Extends hand for additional fire matches. Huh, Josh responses]

"Well, thanks, so are you going to trash talk me out as I have Dale escort me to my truck or what, Josh?"

Oh, that was news to Dale! But oddly enough, Dale's surprised eyes weren't all that different from Josh's angry eyes for not hearing about a personal invite. Also, LOL, their looks were not the same.

"Alright people, I will not see any of you later then, but other than the moments of humiliating trash talk in front of everyone in the park, I actually appreciated that my lifestyle was left out of things, so, I had a decent time and peace, out. Also, Devin, OMG woman! You're filing your nails into sharp big cat killer claws that might injure someone if you wrap your arms around someone's neck tonight under one of my tiki torches! So, you should show up early so that I can take care of those pointy claws for you!"

"[File, pointy, file] Huh? [File, killer big cat claws, file]."

I mean, during the course of the afternoon, I mean, it was clear to me that Devin and this other guy, Jay, were side glancing at each other a lot, so I figured there was something brewing behind the scenes with those two and my first aid kit is not that of a neck puncture wound type, so.

Also, LOL, even with all of their side glancing, I mean, they both still managed to trash my kite!

But back to my park exit escort, Dale, who I was not afraid of.

"Alright, Rudi, I'm confused about why you came to this nerd ass Kite Battle in the first place anyways and I'm confused about why you kissed me and I'm confused about why you don't think that I kissed back some and now I'm confused about whether there a social at your place tonight or not, so?"

"Dale, I'm giving you a way out for the "kissed me back" thing because I figured that my type is not your type out in the open, so other than we are definitely kissing each other good bye in just 10 seconds, you are not obligated to come over tonight."

[Mwah, ummah, smack]

"Hmm, Dale, you will always have a way out from me, but if in the future we find ourselves in a situation that guarantees that people will talk about us behind our backs, well, I'm not afraid of that. Obviously, you need to be concerned about that, but I see a situation someday where your body quivers a bit more uncontrollably, so?"

[Mwah, ummah, smack]

"Rudi, it's not that I need a way out, but..."

[Mwah, ummah, smack]

"Text me someday, Dale."

I mean, a guy who escorts a guy who dresses the other way to his truck needs a way out, right? And I suspected that he would take full advantage of that, which he did, but the front door was left cracked open and that was good enough.

Besides, I didn't exactly define what a worthwhile body quivering actually was, but his definition was probably spot on. For another day.

LOL, he was so hard standing with me at my truck! So hard. Which clearly defined his version of a worthwhile body quivering date and I made note of that, but it didn't scare me.

What scared me was leveling up from a casual appearance to a party look. Not that I didn't have what I needed to pull that together, but it felt scary to step out for the first time in more of a selfie manner of dress in front of other people.

And not crazy, crazy. My Denim shorts were of a decent length, my logo t-shirt covered most of me as long as I didn't reach up for a glass or to light a tiki torch, I wore fishnets under my shorts and tall socks over those, so, all in all, I gave everyone a way out from not seeing too much of me in the raw.

And I just added "in the raw" because if that happens, okay, I think. I mean, under or during the right moment, right? I am not afraid. I'm not super experienced, but I'm not afraid.

"Well, I suppose you did the best you could with my nails, Rudi, since I absentmindedly sharpened them into big cat killer claws, so, thanks. Now, I have two other things to ask of you, Rudi. Well, one thing to ask and one thing to just say with no response necessary, I guess, so, just in case Jay does decide to get a little frisky with me tonight, I mean, of course I spied around your house while you and Amber were clearing off the Breakfast Bar for the pizza later, so I spied an unusual quantity of razors in your private bathroom, so do you mind if I take 15 minutes alone in there, hmm?"

"Not at all, Devin and don't be shy about opening anything still sealed in a package. I am always on the lookout for the next best thing and shaving is a bitch, so, yeah, I have a lot to choose from, so?"

"Alright, thank you, Rudi, now for I have to say is that Josh won't show up unless you, um, shoot him a text or something. You're the first person to kind of stand up to him, so?"

[Pretends to spit on the ground. Oh, actually spits a little and goes into frantic clean up mode]

"We'll see, Devin, but you'd do better to snag my phone and a send a text like that. Anyways, is there a chance that Jay may get frisky with you tonight then, hmm?"

"Oh, we've been bumping controllers and hips on the couch lately, but you know, when we're at his place, I mean, his mom seems to do a lot of laundry in the basement and when we're at my house, well, huh, my mom seems to spend a lot "dusting" the place, so, so, OMG, Rudi, this might be the first time any of us have ever been outside of a controlled environment!"

LOL, called it! Not that I was thrilled to be the "adult" of the mixer though.

And yep, Devin tried to snag my phone, but I snagged it back! After I wiped up my poor excuse of a fake spit on the ground. Josh, would not receive a "boo-hoo" text from my phone.

"Amber, I may not know much, but I think my place is mixer ready, except for ordering the pizza and the subs. And wow, you did an amazing job loading up two coolers with beverages, so."

"Oh, well, my boobs got the coolers loaded and packed with ice, but, um, I let it spill to Steve from the "Stop & Rob" convenience store that it was for your mixer, so, maybe Steve stops by later, so. Anyways, where is your crush, hmm?"

"Devin? She's taking care of some personal grooming. Wait, what, I don't have a secret crush on the side, Amber!"

"Please, everyone has a crush. Anyways, speaking of the food, let's call it in together on speaker since my hips are headed towards being a hip size twin with that Suzie, okay?"

Well, maybe Amber and Suzie would be hip twins, but not for at least another year. Or two. That Suzie, right?

[(Chime) this call is being recorded for quality control and training purposes. Please stand by]

"Hello, thanks for calling the Pizza Shop. This is Suzie, so how may I help you, hmm?"

"Suzie, this is Rudi and we don't really know each other, but I need to put in an order for my After Party tonight, so?"

"Rudi? The Rudi who isn't afraid of having a boyfriend someday, yet has a secret crush on the side? The Pizza Shop is a full-service gossip establishment, so?"

"Oh boy, Suzie, I need to place an order for a nerd After Party for up to eight people, so?"

"Fine, what kind of nerd After Party are we talking about then, hmm? Video tournament, star gazing, math, chemistry?"

"Suzie, well, a Kite Battle After Party, so?"

[Click]

Tee, he, I mean, there must have been a sun burst that caused the phone to go dead, right?

[(Chime) this call is being recorded for quality control and training purposes. Please stand by]

"Hello, thanks for calling the Pizza Shop. This is Suzie, so how may I help you, hmm?"

"Suzie, the kites had Ninja throwing star weapon blade thingy things taped to them and my mechanic taped a makeshift leg garter belt on me over my jeans, so?"

"(Giggles)"

"Oh, is that a girl giggling in the background then, hmm? Then this is a pick up for carry out order because I'm sick and tired of sending my Jimmy J into the claws of wolves!"

"Suzie, four large meat lover's pizzas please."

"Got it, four large for pick up carry out because I can't have another fem boy tricking my Jimmy J into where the pizza money is and then it's "woof, woof, woof" with their fem boy dainty hands, then my Jimmy J gets all caught up with things and he goes all "ooh, ooh, ooh" and before you know it, I have to cut the guy off again and his balls already went from blue to green, so?"