Rue the Day

I started crying again. I couldn't believe I had any tears left. "How can I make this right?" I asked myself. I didn't know, I couldn't turn back the hands of time.

I cleaned myself up and got undressed and climbed into bed. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept tossing and turning. After about an hour I got up and grabbed my cell phone. As it was coming on, I wondered what messages Kurt had put on Facebook.

As Facebook came up it opened to my page. Luckily there were no comments posted to me that alluded to what I had done, or to Kurt's status. I clicked on Kurt's page. There it was, it wasn't in flashing neon, but it might as well have been.

There were comments, a lot of them, asking what the new status meant. He hadn't responded. I guess he was letting the statement speak for itself. There was one woman that asked if it was for real and, if so, she asked if they could grab a drink sometime. It was a woman he worked with.

How fitting. It started with a drink between friends with John and I. Would they end up in bed together? Would he? Why wouldn't he? "It was only sex." Wasn't that my attitude?

When the shoe is on the other foot it doesn't feel too good. How could I stop it though? How could I demand something of him that I had failed in? I could feel my marriage crumbling around me. Would I be able to rebuild it?

I couldn't believe it, but I started crying again. I couldn't believe I had anything left. Humans are about 60% water, I felt that I had already cried out that and more.

I must have fallen asleep again for at 9:00 I woke up. I got up, grabbed a cup of coffee, looked around and saw that Kurt was already gone. There was no note. Was this what it was going to be now? Two people married, living separate lives, not accountable to each other. I sat at the table and drank my coffee thinking of my life. I had to figure out a way to fix this, so I made a list. #1 I knew I needed to talk to Kurt and let him know how sorry I was. #2 I needed to show him that I still loved him. #3 I needed to give him a reason to trust me and want to try to work this out. Those three things would be crucial in saving our marriage.

Kurt was gone all day so sitting down and talking to him didn't happen. How could I tell him how sorry I was if he wasn't around to talk to? Also, how could I show him that I still loved him if he wasn't here? I decided I'd work on #3 first. Give him a reason to trust me and want to try to work this out.

It was 11:30 when Kurt came through the door. He was smelling of alcohol. I wondered if he went and had a drink with his coworker from Facebook. I asked him, "Where have you been?" I tried asking him in a tone that wasn't accusatory, nor with a bite to it.

"What difference does it make? It's not like we have to answer to each other anymore."

"Kurt, can we talk?" I asked, hoping he would at least listen to what I wanted to say.

"It's too late to talk tonight and too early to talk in regards to our situation, maybe next month." He said.

"Yep, it's going to be a cold December in the Coleman household." I thought to myself.

It was.

I tried to show my love to Kurt every day. Tried to let him know where I was going and who I was going to be with. I don't know if he appreciated it or felt I was patronizing him. I didn't know what else to do.

Throughout the whole time, I tried to get him interested in making love to me, but whenever I suggested it, he turned me down flat.

About the second week of December we got a call from Pauline Dwyer down the street. She wondered if Kurt could come fix a plumbing issue. She was a 30 year old mother of two young boys. She had lost her husband to a brain aneurysm about 2 years ago. The neighborhood really pulled together to help her out. There were neighbors who mowed the lawn, others trimmed the hedges, others painted, and others babysat when needed. Kurt, being the Mr. Fix-it guy, was called when anything was broken. He enjoyed doing it. Again, just another reason this was becoming a desirable neighborhood to live in, people cared for one another.

He grabbed his plumbing toolbox and walked over to her house. He was gone about an hour and a half, and when he came back he had a smile on his face and looked quite relaxed. I wondered what her "plumbing" problem was.

I asked about it and all he said was, "Nothing my snake couldn't fix."

His snake? Exactly what did he mean by that? "Well, you look pretty happy about it." I said.

"You know I enjoy helping Pauline out anyway I can. It makes me feel good to know I'm needed and appreciated."

I believe that may have been more than a plumbing fix. How many more "just sex" encounters would he be having in the near future. Needless to say, I was upset.

"Kurt, you know I'm sorry. I wish I could turn back time and change everything, but that is impossible. It didn't mean anything, it was just a fling."

"A FLING?!! You say it with such a flippant attitude! You cheated on me!"

Ouch, that hurt.

"You had an affair!! Call it what it was. You committed adultery! With another man!!"

Oh my God. I had been making light of it by calling it a fling. I didn't even want to accept it myself. Calling it a fling just made it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal. It was an affair! I had committed adultery! I had broken our wedding vows, but worse than that, I had betrayed the love and trust Kurt had for me.

That week I was depressed about our situation. We were, like Kurt had said, just cohabitating.

When New Year's Eve rolled around, we continued our regular tradition to go to the neighborhood celebration. It was held jointly by two neighbors whose houses were side by side with there lawns between them. This afforded a large area for people to gather and mingle, and of course watch the Times Square Ball Drop on the big screens set up for the occasion.

Halfway through the night I overheard one of the husbands ask Kurt about the 'Open Relationship' status on his Facebook page. He told them that his wife had said, "It's just sex." So, he figured why not advertise.

After that comment I noticed some of the married women giving me a wary look, single women giving a lot of attention to Kurt, and I even had a few men hit on me. I wanted to leave, but when I suggested it to Kurt, he said, "We can't leave before the Ball drops."

When the Ball did drop, I looked for Kurt to give him a New Year's kiss. He was already kissing Pauline and there were three other women by him waiting their turn. I walked up to Kurt and told him, "I'm going home! Have fun servicing your harem." I gave him, and the other women, an evil look and stormed off down the sidewalk to our house.

I was fuming when I got home. How could he flaunt that in front of our friends and neighbors. I couldn't believe it, I was pacing around the house, waiting for him to come home. It took him until almost 2 AM to come through the door.

"How could you act that way in front of our neighbors?!!" I said with the most hurtful tone I could project.

"Why, honey, after all it's only sex. What's the big deal if we talk about it? No reason to keep it quiet, is there? If you feel like it's no big deal, why should we hide it? I'm a little confused by your reaction. Wasn't it you that said, 'It meant nothing.'?"

I looked at him and saw the sarcastic hurtful look on his face. It was not a becoming look for him. I knew it was all for me, to feel some of the pain he had felt.

We both went to our separate bedrooms and started out the New Year not talking to each other the whole next day.

I was failing. Failing to get him to talk to me, failing to be able to show him I still loved him, and failing to regain his trust. Would this year be our last together? I prayed it wouldn't be so.

January turned out to be a cold month too, both inside as well as outside. We rarely spoke until the January thaw, about the last week of the month. I had been trying to show my love by cooking his favorites, commenting on a project he was working on, and thanking him for all he did.

I was feeling the financial pinch by now; car payment, insurance payment, cell phone, and cable. It made me appreciate all that Kurt had been paying for. I started wondering what I had spent all my money on before. There was one thing that I had had to cut out, visits to the salon to get my hair and nails done. My "natural" hair color came from a box now and I painted my own nails.

Through January he had spent a lot of time away from home, especially on the weekends. I don't know if he just didn't want to be around me or whether that was when his lady friends were available.

I almost died when I received my first (of many) "Thank You's"' on my Facebook page from women I hardly knew. That was all they said, just "Thank You", I guessed that they were thanking me for being an idiot and giving Kurt the opportunity to spend time with them. It hurt me terribly to think that Kurt had so easily changed his moral compass.

The end of January (January thaw) saw Kurt expressing a more cordial attitude towards me. He even went as far as to compliment me on the meals I was fixing. I almost leapt for joy when he said that. "He noticed." I thought to myself. Maybe the ice was starting to melt.

February had my emotions like a rollercoaster. At work John was downright hostile toward me whenever we saw each other. His divorce was in its third month and it looked like she was going to come out on the winning side. I heard from one of the coworkers that he would only get visitation every other weekend and she got to stay in the house while the kids were still of school age, and he would have to still pay the mortgage. She was not willing to even think about getting back together. Meanwhile, I was getting snickers, evil eyes, and propositions almost every day.

At home Kurt had started to actually talk to me, questions about household things, local events, as well as national events. We hadn't talked about the elephant in the room since December, but at least we were talking.

Once he even touched my hand. I know that doesn't sound like much, but he did it in a somewhat playful way as we were getting dinner ready. I had made the main dish, he was cutting up veggies for salad. He had just cut up some green peppers and I snagged a piece to eat. He lightly slapped my hand and smiled just a little. My heart fluttered when I saw that. As he was just finishing his prep work, he did a light hip check on me in a playful manner. I couldn't help it, I giggled. My heart was aching to have him touch me, hold me, make love to me.

The meal was actually nice, small talk and glances at each other. I was thinking, "We might actually make it." I was high on life for the next week.

It was Sunday, February 10th, when my heart sank lower than it had been since New Year's Eve. Kurt and I were eating dinner and I mentioned to him that Thursday was Valentines Day. He got an emotionless look on his face and then said, "Yes, so it is."

"Can we go out to a nice restaurant and just enjoy each other's company?" I asked hopefully.

"I've already made other plans." He said.

I looked at him, speechless.

When the silence had gotten deafening, he said, "I told Pauline that I would take her out. It will be 3 years since she's been out on Valentine's Day."

"Oh," I said, and we didn't say anything the rest of the meal. After the meal I sat in front of the TV and just stared, not even paying attention as I wallowed in my own self-pity.

Kurt must have felt guilty or maybe just pity for me because he said, "We can go out on Friday night."

"No, it wouldn't be the same." I said sullenly. This would be the first Valentine's Night we didn't spend going to a restaurant together in 12 years. Even when we were in the midst of remodeling the house, we took Valentines off and spent it together. Throughout the week Kurt was more amiable and even attentive to my moods and needs. I didn't want him to do that just because he felt pity on me. I wanted him to want to do that for me, because he still cared for me.

Kurt had said I would be sorry for what I had done. I truly was, and had been for months now. I wondered if I could ever get back in his good graces and have him love me the way he used to. At this point, I didn't think so.

Over the next week Kurt was actually nice to me, even touching me in playful ways like we used to. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I did enjoy the attention, it brought back memories of when we were first dating.

On Friday Kurt came in the door with the mail. He said, "Hey, it looks like we got an invitation to a party next Friday. Can I interest you in going with me?" My heart jumped again, Kurt was asking me out!

I looked over at him, he was holding a postcard for a Leap Year party. One of our peripheral friends was having a big party because the 29th was on a Friday and they thought it would be a great idea to break up the monotony of the winter months.

"Why Mr. Coleman, I would love to, seeing I do nothing on the weekends." I hadn't done anything since that fateful night when I made that idiotic statement. Kurt had been out on a number of weekend and weekday nights, sometimes not getting home until 2:00. I never said anything to him about it. I didn't want to start another argument and I felt guilty because Kurt would never have done anything to betray my trust in him. I just stayed at home, played with myself, and went to sleep crying for the loss of his love.

We enjoyed the party and Kurt treated it like a date. He spent all of his time with me, talking, laughing, and dancing. I was in heaven, well, as close to heaven as I had been in the last 3 ½ months.

March had Kurt paying more attention to me. He actually came and sat down on the couch next to me as I watched TV. I actually went with Dish Network. They were running a free install/free first month special, so I took advantage of it. December had been a boring month without TV and

I needed something to fill my mind and time instead of thinking of my problems.

Anyways, the first time Kurt sat next to me I got goosebumps. We didn't say anything, but we did laugh at the sitcom. I was so nervous, I didn't want to do anything to scare him off.

After that first week it became the norm again for him to sit with me. When he took my hand and intertwined his fingers in mine, I actually had a few tears roll down my cheeks. I'm sure he noticed, but he said nothing.

By the third week he actually put his arm around me as we sat there. I turned to him and looked at his face. He seemed satisfied. I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. He turned to me and smiled. I couldn't help myself, I kissed him full on the lips and slipped my tongue between his lips. It was like a dam was broken. We were kissing passionately. His hand moved to the back of my head and held me gently, my arms were around his strong chest. I was rubbing his back as we were continuing to kiss. As my arm went down toward his hip, his other hand was sliding up the side of my chest. His hand reached the side of my breast and he started caressing it. I was getting so hot, I could feel myself getting wet. As he encompassed my breast with his hand I brought my hand to his crotch. He was straining in his pants.

My nipples were hard and sensitive as I felt him rub one through my T-shirt and bra. I wanted him so badly. It had been 4 months since I had felt him make love to me. I broke our kiss and whispered, "I want you to make love to me."

Kurt pulled his face back from mine and his face went expressionless. He got up off the couch and walked toward the bedrooms. I grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, switched off the lights and went to follow him. As I approached the bedrooms, I heard the lock on his door click. I grabbed the knob and tried the handle, it was locked. I stood there confused. "What just happened?" I thought. "We were both ready, I had felt it, his cock was hard, he wanted me just as much as I wanted him."

My mind was a jumble of emotions. "What had I done?" All I had said was I wanted him to make love to me. Now he has locked me out of his room. "Kurt," I called through the door, "Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I did. Can you open the door and talk to me, please?"

"No." Was his short response, then "I'm going to bed, alone." I heard it in his tone, there was no chance for me to change his mind. I was still horny, so I went to my bedroom and used my dildo to satisfy my need.

After, I lay there wondering what had happened. He seemed to be into what we were doing. I know his cock was, I could feel it straining his pants. What was I going to have to do to get back to where we once were, if that was even possible?

It was a fitful sleep, by morning I was not rested at all and had to drag myself out of bed to get to work. It was 7:00 and Kurt was already gone. That was normal, he started work at 7:00. I texted him on my new phone (same number) and told him that I was sorry if I had done anything to upset him. Then I texted him a second time with "I love you". He texted back, "Me too".

It was our little joke. The first time he had said "I love you" was the first time either of us had said it. I responded with "Me too" not realizing that literally I was saying I loved myself. The fact that he responded that way made me smile and choke up a bit.

I thought to myself, "Can you love someone and not want to be with them in every way?" I knew the answer, of course you can, that is what he had been doing for the last 4 months. I was happy in the fact that he still loved me.

How long could we go on without making love to each other? Would we ever do it again? Would this be a sexless marriage, at least for me? I had vowed to God and myself that weekend he had left me, that if he came back to me, I would never do anything like that again. I wouldn't even be alone with a man outside of a work setting. I had learned my lesson and as long as we were still married, I would be faithful to him, even if he was not to me. I just prayed that one day we would be like we were before, or at least as close as possible (with the memory always there).

When Kurt got home from work it was like we were starting all over again 4 months ago. He was like a skittish stray cat that we sometimes found in our back yard. You had to approach them slowly, making no sudden moves or loud noises. In his case I had to sit on the couch alone again and not mention anything pertaining to what occurred the previous night.

It took three weeks to get back to where he was sitting on the couch, holding my hand again. I sighed a heavy sigh of contentment as I laid my head on his shoulder and snuggled into his chest. We were watching a romantic comedy and I was just happy that we had made it back to this point.

He kissed me on the top of my head and I said, "I love you." He responded in a soft voice, "Me too." I just smiled.

A few minutes later he said, "I love you."

I responded in kind, "Me too."

He hugged me and I snuggled deeper into him. I didn't do or say anything else through the whole movie. I didn't want to take the chance that I would upset the mood. I just enjoyed the closeness we were sharing.

For the next two weeks it was more of the same. Then Thursday night Kurt asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner and a movie that next night. I playfully said, "Like a date?"

He said, "It's about time I take my favorite girl out on the town."

I didn't know how to take that and when I hesitated, I think he noticed.

"I'm sorry." He said, "I didn't mean it that way. Deborah, you're my only girl, and always have been."

"What did he mean by that?" I thought to myself. Was he saying that he was out all those nights and not with other women? And what about all those "Thank You's" I had gotten. I couldn't believe that. Maybe he only meant that he had no feelings for the others.