Runaway Pt. 04

"Morning," I said to everyone.

"Good morning," Rick responded. "How about that futon, Lacey? Comfortable, eh?"

"Oh, it was perfect," I said. Rick raised his eyebrows. "Who doesn't love having metal bars jab into their body every time they move?"

"See, Sean? It's terrible. We need a new futon."

"We'll see," Sean said, exchanging a knowing grin with me.

"Good morning, Noah!" Rick said cheerfully. "Have a good sleep?"

"Great, thanks." Noah looked longingly at the coffee on the table. "Mind if I help myself to a cup?"

"Only if you don't abuse it the way Lacey does," Sean replied, passing him a mug. "Should've just heated up a cup of cream and sugar, skipped the coffee."

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Noah, I'm not sure if you know this, but we generally don't wear jackets inside the house," Mom said, eyeing Noah's jacket coldly.

Noah smiled tightly. "Force of habit, I guess."

"We don't enforce that rule," Sean said. "It's fine, Noah."

Aside from Mom's comment, the morning went well. Sean had booked the week off from work, Rick was on a temporary hiatus since his boss was apparently back home visiting family, and we spent most of the day relaxing and catching up. Rick insisted on taking us to lunch at a lovely restaurant that served hearty Quebecois cuisine, then driving through the neighbourhood his boss lived in so he could point out the house Sean had designed.

Sean had warmed up to Noah quite a bit and they were getting along incredibly well. Even Mom seemed to be lightening up later in the afternoon as Noah shared a story about a face off with a moose he had in the mountains.

We didn't make any decisions. I still didn't know what was next or how Noah fit into it. It didn't seem to matter, though. A day of precariously building up a small sense of normality seemed right. It felt freeing, like we could go just a little while without something going wrong.

Yes, the whole day was going perfectly fine, until I fucked it up.

We had just finished eating dinner and I had gotten up to clear the dishes.

"Lacey, could I have some more wine?" Mom asked.

"Sure. Red or white?"

"Red, sweetie. Thank you."

I took her glass to the counter and refilled it, walked back to the table, and stubbed my toe on the leg of Noah's chair. The glass jostled and almost the entirety of it ended up on the arm of his jean jacket.

"Shit!" I cried.

"Lacey!" my mom gasped, horrified at my language.

"Oh, your jacket," I whimpered, ignoring her. "Noah, I'm so sorry."

"Not the first drink that's been spilled on it," he said. "Don't worry about it."

He grabbed a napkin and rubbed it on the stain.

"That's not how... oh, give it here," Mom said, standing up and reaching for the jacket.

If it wasn't for what happened next, it would have been a sweet gesture of her slowly coming to terms with Noah's presence.

Noah resisted. "It's fine, I can just wash it."

"I insist."

"Really—"

"Come on, off with the jacket." She held her hand out for it.

Uncomfortably, Noah took his jean jacket off.

"Wow, that is a lot of tattoos," Rick commented.

Noah chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah, I guess."

Mom's lips were set in a thin line, so tight that the skin around her mouth paled.

"My, that's certainly... something," she said, taking the jacket.

"Don't be prudish," Sean said. "Lots of people have tattoos."

Mom took the jacket to the sink. "I didn't say anything."

"It's fine," Noah said quietly.

"No, it's not." Sean frowned. "Mom, please don't talk to my guests like that."

"I was just surprised," she said. "I just haven't seen anyone with tattoos like that who wasn't in a gang or in prison or something."

My face was red. Noah's face was stony. Sean's eyes bounced from me to Noah to Mom.

"That would be a story!" Rick laughed, oblivious to the three of us. "You've never been to prison, have you, Noah?"

The silence in the room was deafening. Noah looked at me, uncertain of what to do.

"It's up to you," I mouthed at him.

"Uh, have you, Noah?" Rick said awkwardly.

Mom turned slowly from the sink.

"Uh, yeah, actually," Noah said quietly.

"Oh shit," Rick said. "Man, I'm sorry, that was—"

"Did you know about this?" Mom's face was scarily cold as she met my eye.

My throat seemed to be swollen shut. My head jerked forward as I nodded.

"You... you brought..." She composed herself. "Lacey, don't you think you should have maybe discussed that with the owners of the home you were bringing him to?"

"I knew," Sean said immediately.

"You knew?"

"I knew and I don't care." Sean stood up, ever my protector, and moved between Noah and Mom. "Lacey trusts him. I trust him. Look at everything he did to take care of her."

"What did you do?" she spat at Noah.

"It doesn't matter—"

"I wasn't talking to you, Sean."

"I had some trouble with drugs." Noah's voice was steady, so quiet that it almost got lost in the tense electricity in the kitchen.

"Drugs." Mom made a strange, choked sound. "Anything else?"

"Some theft."

"Theft! Just like the car!"

"You need to back off," Sean said. "We are not fighting right now. Let's just walk away, cool down."

"He's a... he went to... he committed a crime! Lord, I have patience, but this... Lacey, he is bad news!"

"Mom, stop it." Sean looked at me, frantically shaking his head as he saw my face turning redder and redder.

"It's about safety. Just because he hasn't done anything yet doesn't mean he won't."

"That's not fair, at all."

"I can't believe you would bring a criminal into your own brother's home!" She spat the word like it was a piece of gristle.

"Enough!" I screeched.

Sean raised his hand towards me. "Lacey, don't—"

"You are out of line!" I stood up, jostling Noah out of the way as I glared at my mom. "If we all got judged based on actions in our past, you'd be just as guilty as anyone else."

"Excuse me?"

"You let Daddy kick Sean out."

"What could I—"

"You could have told him no!" I yelled. "You could have left him back then. Why didn't you go before he hit you? Why did it take him disowning me for you to do something about it? Why wasn't it enough the first time?"

"That's not the same."

"It's worse."

"Lacey, don't..." Noah's hand was on my shoulder.

"Don't touch her," snapped Mom.

"Don't tell him what to do!" I snapped back.

"I'm just trying to protect you!"

"From what?"

"From being involved with the wrong type of people!"

"How is he the 'wrong' type of people?"

"He... Good Lord, Lacey, how can you defend this? What were you thinking? You run away and meet a... a..." She waved her hand at Noah, unsure of what to call him. "And just trust that he's changed because he didn't have a chance to try anything?"

"How can you be so horrible?" My chest felt like it was going to explode as my hands shook. "What happened to forgiveness? To not fucking judging people?"

"Language!"

"I'm a goddamn adult, I'll speak however I want!"

"I'm your mother. It's my job to take care of you. I'm just trying to protect you."

"How can you say that when you never even tried to protect us from Daddy?"

I didn't know when it happened, but she had started crying.

"He never hurt you."

"Sure, not physically. Neither has Noah."

"I did the best I could."

I didn't know when the tears started streaming down my cheeks, either.

"You stayed with him even after he made Sean leave. You stayed with him even though he terrified us. You let him think... you let him make us think that was normal. You didn't do anything at all until I finally got out. Why wasn't it enough when he kicked out Sean? Why?"

"So you'll forgive him, but you won't forgive me?" Mom said quietly.

"You expect forgiveness when you judge Noah like that?"

"Lacey." Noah's voice was soft, but firm. "That's enough."

"Yeah," I said. "You're right. I'm leaving."

I whirled around and stormed past everyone, shaking with the strength of emotions that couldn't be controlled.

**

"What are you doing?"

The sounds of people yelling at each other slithered into the room as the door opened. Noah had followed me upstairs, entering the office just in time to see me shoving as much as I could into my backpack.

"Leaving."

"You're not leaving."

"Yes I am."

"Lacey, stop." He strode forward and took hold of my backpack.

"Give it back."

"Talk to me."

"About what? You were there!" I wiped my face furiously on my sleeve. "I'm leaving."

"You're not running away from this."

"Yes I am."

"Please don't."

The words were small, beggingly quiet. It was only then that I looked up at Noah's pained eyes and realized they were glistening.

"Noah..."

"Take a breath. Talk to me."

I sank down on the futon, ignoring the metal bars that dug into my ass, and put my head in my hands. Noah sat beside me, an arm around my shoulders as I tried not to sob.

"You weren't joking. This futon is awful."

I choked on a wet laugh, sniffling.

"I'm sorry," I said. "What she said... I'm so angry."

"I told you, I'm used to it. You're not."

"You shouldn't have to be used to it."

His hand made gentle circles on my back. "You're one of the only people that wasn't freaked out by it."

"I almost never saw you again because of it."

"No, you almost never saw me again because I lied about it. Then, like the unreasonable gem of a person you are, you forgave me."

"Because I didn't want you to leave. It was selfish."

"Doesn't matter. I didn't deserve it, and you did it anyway. Besides, that's not the point."

"It's not fair."

"Life's not fair. We move on." His hand trailed off my back and to my hand, gently enveloping it. "Don't leave. We came all this way."

"We came all this way to find Sean. Not to find my mom."

"She's here, so make the best of it. Get some closure."

"Last time I got closure, my father disowned me over the phone."

The door to the office opened. Noah and I both looked up to see Sean standing there.

"Don't go," he said. "Please."

"I can't stay," I replied.

His eyes were red, tears still drying on his face.

"Lacey, she..." He sighed, pulling the computer chair away from his desk and sitting in it to face us. "I know why you're pissed. I get it. But I forgave Mom a long time ago for not leaving when Dad kicked me out. You need to as well."

"But—"

"I know it's hard to see it right now, but... Mom was... Lace, she was getting the same shit from Dad that we were. It's not easy to get out of situations like that. She's a victim here, too. We all were. Don't let him pit us against each other."

"She..." My face reddened as I realized I had just screamed at a woman who was as terrified and broken as I had been.

"If you want to be chained to your anger, then don't. If you want freedom from your past, you need to forgive." Sean smiled, his eyes far away. "Rick told me that, actually. Way back when."

"But what she said..."

"It'll be best if I go," Noah said softly.

"No." Sean and I spoke in unison.

"What she said was out of line. You're right about that." Sean turned to Noah. "You're welcome here. I can't ever repay you for being there for Lacey and protecting her from all the shit you did. I meant what I said. I don't care what happened in your past, you have a place here."

"I'm just causing problems," Noah argued.

"No," I said again. "Noah, please. Don't go."

"You need to figure out what your next steps are and you need to figure out what's happening with your family. I'm causing issues with that."

The tears I'd fought so hard to control spilled over again.

"I need you," I whispered.

Noah looked at me. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"Stay tonight," Sean said, interrupting the tension. "Both of you. Stay for the night, we'll all calm down. Tomorrow we'll figure out a solution."

He wouldn't leave the office until we both promised to stay the night. After he did, Noah turned to me, touching my cheek tenderly.

"You're a good person," he said.

"I feel like sh-shit right now."

"I know." He kissed my forehead, wiping tears off my face with his thumb. "Look, I'm gonna go back downstairs—"

"You just promised you wouldn't leave."

"I'm not." He kissed me again, tilting my lips up to meet his. "I'm not leaving tonight. You know I keep my promises."

I nodded. "Sorry."

"I'm gonna go downstairs. They've stopped fighting. I'm gonna talk to Sean, apologize to Rick. Dunno when you told Sean but—"

"This morning."

"This morning?"

I nodded. "After I snuck out of your room. He was already up."

Noah made a soft noise.

"Sorry. You said—"

"Don't be sorry. I don't want you to lie for me. Ended up working out in the end."

He kissed me again, then again, taking a bit of my sadness away with him each time.

"Relax a bit. Take a shower, calm down, whatever. Come down to the basement when you want."

**

I took Noah's advice and took a very long, very calming shower.

The water was running cold by the time I got out and I shivered, the thick steam in the air not enough to warm the spots that the stream of water had hit once it went cold. I took my time brushing and drying my hair, praying as I dressed.

I asked every Saint I could think of for help. Saint Jude and Saint Rita, since everything felt impossible. Saint Therese for guidance. A general call-out to the rest of them for help, just because.

I prayed for forgiveness. Whatever I was feeling, I had certainly not approached it in the best way.

I prayed for strength. God knew I needed it as much as I did.

I prayed for help. I prayed that Noah wouldn't leave. I prayed for things to become easier, for the trials to be finished.

When I was done praying, I left the bathroom.

Soft voices floated up from the kitchen, too quiet for me to make out words, but all masculine in nature. Whatever had happened while I was in the shower, Noah was still talking with Sean and Rick. Light pricked through the doorframe of the guestroom. I assumed Mom had retired for the night.

I didn't want to see anyone quite yet. I needed a few more moments, just a few. Tiptoeing down the hallway, I turned the door handle of the office and slipped in quietly, facing the door as I gently closed it behind me.

Maybe it was some intrinsic sixth sense, or a subtle change in the air, or an imperceptible trace of perfume. Maybe it was just that children could sense their parents the way parents could sense their children. Whatever it was, I knew she was in the room before the latch had settled in the jamb.

"I'm not ready to talk to you yet," I said softly, not turning around.

"Please just listen, then."

Her voice was hoarse, cracking as she spoke. I didn't want to look at her but I couldn't bear not to. Turning, I saw Mom sitting back against the futon, eyes bloodshot and pleading. She had changed into pyjamas, a housecoat wrapped around her tightly. Everything about her spoke hurt, from the way she held her head to the trembling of her jaw.

I couldn't look at her. Folding my arms in front of me, I nodded, staring down at the floor.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I... I have a lot of work to do on myself."

"It's not me you need to apologize to."

"I know. Noah deserves more than an apology from me."

I looked up at her warily.

"You were right," she said. "You see the good in people. And he is good, I know that. I don't have an excuse for the way I acted, and I don't think either of you want one. I hope he can forgive me. I hope God can forgive me. I don't deserve a bit of it. I have a long way to go to be a better person. I don't know how you..."

Her voice cracked again and she cleared her throat. "Somehow, despite having horrendous role models in me and your father, you turned out the way you did. You are so wonderful, Lacey. I don't know who shaped that in you, but it wasn't me, and I'm sorry it wasn't."

I wanted to cry, to rush across the room and collapse into my mother's arms, sobbing and begging her to forgive me for hurting her. I fought against it, letting my eyes water but not spill as I hugged my arms around myself for strength.

"I shouldn't have said those horrible things," I whispered. "You weren't... you weren't a bad mom. You did shape things for me. It's n-not your fault that D-Daddy was the way he was. You tried your best."

"I did," she said. "It wasn't enough. I know that, and I'm sorry for it."

"It's okay." The words squeaked out of my throat as it tensed, a lump of heartache clogging my mouth.

"The rest of the world is very different from what I know," she said. "It doesn't excuse my actions but I hope it can help explain them."

"It does."

She looked at me fiercely, a fire behind the same brown eyes that I shared with her. "I'm going to be better," she said. "I am going to do better. It isn't right for me to ask your patience while I learn, but—"

"I forgive you."

Her words ended in a soft squeak.

"I forgive you," I repeated. "And I'll be patient. And I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

My voice broke and so did my resolve. Mom extended her arms and I ran to her.

"There is nothing to forgive," she murmured. "You don't need to be sorry. I do."

We sat that way for some time.

Nothing was truly resolved, not really. It was a step, of course, but there was a long journey up a steep mountain of trials before things could even begin to be fixed. It wouldn't have seemed so bad, except I didn't know which direction the next step was. Each option had its own trials, its own pot of gold at the end, but only if I were to give up so many other treasures along the way.

"Everything has changed," I whispered.

"I know, sweetie."

"I don't know what to do."

"What are your choices?"

"Stay here. Find a job. Try to build something."

"Or?"

I hesitated. Mom's arms tightened around me.

"Or you're not sure, but it involves Noah."

"Yeah."

"If nothing was standing in your way, not money or obligation or fear or anything, what would you do?"

The last time someone had asked me that question, it had set this whole ridiculous thing in motion. I flashed back to a simpler time, when a man with a crooked nose asked me where I would go if I could travel anywhere.

We'd agreed on Montreal. Somehow, despite getting on a train in the wrong direction, I'd ended up there anyway.

I knew what I would do, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. The silence was answer enough.

Mom shifted, releasing her grip on me. "Telling you to follow your heart breaks mine, because I know your heart isn't leading you here." Her hand went in the pocket of her housecoat, withdrawing something as she smiled. "You've done pretty well following it so far, though."

"I don't know what my heart is telling me to do."

She laughed as she pressed the item into my hand.

"You're a goddamn adult, Lacey. You'll figure it out."

**

Noah was lying on the bed, still fully dressed, when I made my way to the basement guest room.

"Hey," he said as I closed the door.

"Hi."

"Hell of a night."

"I'm sorry."

He stretched before sitting up, his legs dangling off the end of the bed.

"Your mom doing better?"

"How did you know I talked to her?"

"Could hear you two. Didn't seem like you were about to start screaming at each other again, so left you to it. Sean was itching to run upstairs though. Think he was scared he'd lose some stuff if you started attacking each other."

I snorted as I sat down beside him. "No, it was... it was good. She's sorry for what she said."

He made a soft noise.

"I know it doesn't mean much coming from me."

"You forgive her?"

"Will you be mad if I did?"