S.C.A.T. College Bk. 01 Ch. 15 & 16

PART II: Freaky New Friends & Fetishes

Chapter 15 (TW):

Yawning wide, Sam rubbed at her eyes as she stood in front of single cup capsule coffee machine.

She waited impatiently for it to start gurgling, buzzing, make a bunch of other sounds, and then finally begin to deposit her desperately needed caffeine into the very large mug of hers. She smirked at the Fuck You! Until I've Had My Coffee, That Is written on it, the entire reason she had bought it in the first place.

Smiling a little, she also scooped the teabag out of Anna's mug, which was adorned simply with a big smiley face. It was so utterly typical of the brunette beauty, as she was pretty much the embodiment of beaming happy emoji.

Scooping in two sugars, she then went over to the fridge, pulling out the little carton of cream with a big "A ^__^" written on the side, making Sam smile. Dashing just a little into the tea, she let out a tiny little sigh, happy to do this little act of love. It was the least she could do, she thought to herself.

She stirred the tea until it was the color that she knew Anna liked. While putting the cream back in the fridge, the coffee machine sputtered out the last of her coffee, then beeped at her saying it was done. She lifted the lid, pulling the capsule out and tossing it in the bin for recycling and compost.

All these schools these days, doing their part for the environment, Sam rolled her eyes with a smile, then shrugged. Meh, if it can be recycled or composted, why not?

Carrying both mugs back to Anna's bedroom, she stopped in the doorway, the smile widening across her face looking at the still sleeping girl. Her hair was strewn everywhere, her arms were still spread off to the side as if Sam was still there to be hugged, and her adorable little snores still sounded out rhythmically. She shook her head with a chuckle, then put both mugs down on the desk before sitting on the edge of the bed and gently shaking the sleepy girl's shoulder.

"Muh?" Anna moaned, then slowly opened her eyes. After a couple of blinks, those beautiful emeralds found Sam. A loving smile appeared as she brought a hand up to sweep her hair out of her face. "Morning already? Feels like I barely closed m-my eyes."

"Mhmm," Sam nodded, then leaned over and kissed her gently, before reaching over to the little side table and picking up her glasses. "It's nearly 10. You were really out of it, sleepy head."

Anna stretched her arms over her head, wincing a moment later as a quiet pop came from her back.

"Fuck, that felt g-good," she muttered, then, rubbing at her eyes, sat up.

She accepted her glasses from Sam, slipping them on and then looking at her again. A bigger smile formed on her face as the violet hair, ice blue eyes, and beautiful smile of her girlfriend came into focus. She then sniffed the air as the punk stood, retrieving the mugs and handing the tea over to her, sitting on the edge of the bed again.

"You... are so g-g-good to me," she whispered, then took a cautious sip, eyes closing and a happy sigh coming from her. "P-perfect."

Sam took a sip of her coffee, then smiled at Anna.

"Feeling hungry at all?"

Anna shook her head no, then, careful not to spill any of her tea, shuffled over and leaned against Sam, resting her head on her shoulder from behind. They stayed like that for a few minutes, just enjoying being in each other's company, slurping and sipping away at their drinks.

Well, Sam wasn't so much enjoying the company as desperately trying to figure out how to talk about what happened yesterday. The way she had pushed Anna beyond the breaking point, the way she had forgotten her base duty of care and making sure that her lovely girl wasn't feeling overwhelmed or unsure or... Fuck it, just say it you ditzy bitch!

"Anna, I..." Sam started, then sighed heavily. Turning slightly, she looked over her shoulder while taking a deep, steadying breath. "We... need to talk."

Seeing the look cross over Anna's face that spoke both to her wanting to talk, as well as not have to do so right now, she winced slightly in sympathy. She reached out and gently caressed the brunette's cheek, smiling softly.

"I love the fuck out of you, babe. I... don't want to have yesterday happen again. Can you... do you know what caused it?"

Anna sighed, her gaze fixed on a spot on the bed as she took a sip of tea. "I don't even k-know where to start, Sam. It's like everything j-j-just crashed down on me, all a-at once."

She took a deep breath herself, closing her eyes for a moment.

"First of all... it wasn't t-the shit or... well, accidentally p-p-puking all over you that caused it. It was a t-trigger I never knew I had," she spoke slowly, each word paced as she slowly opened her eyes to look at Sam. "I... don't w-want you to feel guilty, b-but it was your hand in my m-m-mouth that triggered me. I was... okay with getting sh-shit on my skin, of getting it smeared on my f-face... I was actually g-getting pretty turned on by that part. It was... the hand in my mouth m-made me feel... violated..."

As Sam's eyes widened and she looked about to apologize profusely, Anna put her finger on the purple-haired beauty's lips.

"I'm n-not accusing you of violating me," she continued, softly. "I did ask you to go to the absolute n-nastiest extreme, and I sh-should have been better p-prepared for what that might have meant. I've also have n-never h-h-had a hand all the way in my mouth before, so there was no way to know about the t-trigger."

Shuffling over, Anna swung her legs over the edge of the bed and sidled up against Sam's side. The punk's arm almost automatically came up and wrapped around her shoulders, hugging her tight.

"Part of the... illnesses I ha-have is that I suffer something called emotional dysregulation," she stated. "It's like t-taking any emotion and c-cranking it up to max volume, all the time. If I am happy, I am ecstatic. If I am s-s-sad, it's like the world is crashing down around me. If I'm angry..."

"So," Sam said carefully, "when I shoved my hand into your mouth..."

"I was angry, yes, as it wasn't s-s-something agreed on before we st-started the whole thing," Anna gave Sam apologetic eyes, "and when I p-puked around your hand... it h-h-hurt so much that it amplified that anger to f-fury, and then to sheer rage. I've... n-n-never had blinding rage before, until yesterday."

She took a sip of tea and hung her head.

"And then my ASD overloaded under the w-w-weight of that rage. It took over c-c-completely. I wasn't in control of my thoughts or my body, and in t-that moment, I h-h-h-hit you at the same time as every surface level wall and d-d-defence I had in my mind com-completely shattered."

Sam squeezed her shoulders as she listened.

"So," the punk said, "if I follow correctly, you got angry, your ADHD caused it to amplify to an uncontrollable level, and your autism caused you to react defensively?"

"Pretty much," Anna nodded.

"But... what caused all the... pain? What caused..." Sam's eyes looked down at her girlfriend's left arm.

"Ah," the geeky girl sighed, slumping a little. "That."

She sat there for about ten seconds, rubbing her thumb and index finger together in her tic of thinking deeply.

"This is... incredibly h-h-h-hard for me to t-t-talk about, even with y-you," she started. "After I was d-diagnosed with all of my mental issues, s-s-somehow people at school found out. Having Asperger's, I couldn't r-r-read intent on peoples faces. It's like... I'm trying to d-decipher a code that everyone else just understands in-in-innately. So the best I c-can do most of the time is just p-pretend I know what the fuck to do."

She closed her eyes tightly.

"I w-w-w-was... bullied almost every day. I was t-t-tormented. People w-would do w-what they could to t-t-trigger me into an overload... coming up behind me and jamming their f-fingers into my sides, or yelling suddenly behind me, or c-clapping their hands right beside m-my ears. It would cause me to get f-furious, and they would run away laughing at m-me. That immediately p-p-plummeted me into sadness after I r-r-realized each time that I had been t-t-targeted."

Anna shook ever so gently, causing Sam to squeeze her shoulders tighter.

"Being 14, 15, 16... I was a t-teenager with severe mental issues, and I had no fuh-fuck-fucking clue how to process it all... h-h-how to handle it all. I can't just p-push aside fear, sadness, suffering... it ties into emotional dysregulation, in that p-people like me don't just feel sm-small emotions. Like, y-you can push aside f-fear or anger or any of that if you n-n-need to... I can't. Every emotion is at max volume, so I s-s-spiralled down into a deep d-d-depression. My mind started to go dark, little b-b-bits of evil and s-suffering floating at the very edges of my thoughts."

"Is that when you... started cutting?"

Anna tensed for a moment, then leaned into Sam. She sat like that for about 30 seconds, just breathing, and the punk could tell she was psyching herself up to talk about something that was about as deep and personal as possible.

"I started when I was 16," she said quietly. "I was in so m-m-much mental pain that I couldn't f-f-feel anything else at all. So... I used what I w-was intimately familiar with, pain... to ease the s-s-suffering inside my mind. It... it h-h-hurt... but in... oh God this s-s-sounds awful, b-but it hurt in the best way p-possible. It was painful enough to dis-distract me, and feeling t-t-the heat of my b-blood running down my arm... d-d-d-dripping off my f-f-fingers, it was... it helped muh-m-me escape..."

Sniffling, Anna wiped at her eyes with her arm.

"I..." she said in a quiet but immensely pained voice, "I... w-w-w-w-wah-wah-" she screwed her eyes shut and made a small sound of frustration at her stutter, then continued, "...wanted to e-end it all... I h-h-had the knife to my wrist m-m-more than once, the eh-e-edge against my skin. I just couldn't c-ccut that far down. I stopped c-c-cutting when I realized... that one d-d-day... I w-w-would be able... t-t-t-to... cut that far d-down..."

How she didn't recoil at the pain in Anna's voice admitting she had gone through suicidal thoughts, Sam would never know. What she did do was put her mug down on the end table, turn to face her lovely geeky girl, and pulled her into a tight, loving hug.

"Whatever you were feeling back then, even right now... it's OK," Sam said quietly but with as much love in her voice as she could muster. "We all cope and process things differently, and in your situation... I can't even begin to imagine the mental agony you were in... it may have seemed like a viable option. I am so proud of you for getting through that. Your feelings are valid... you are valid. You are needed. You are deeply and completely loved. I am here for you, now and always."

She felt the shudder pass through her girlfriend, and she gently took the tea mug from her hand as her arms wrapped tightly around the punk's torso. She shook gently, the first sob not so much wracking her as simply passing through her.

"Let it out, babe," she said gently, her free hand stroking Anna's hair. "This is a safe place to let it out. I love you so much, my beautiful Anna."

The geeky girl finally broke down, sobbing completely into Sam's chest, her arms turning into vices grabbing onto her for stability and strength. It hurt the punk's heart for her love to have to carry so much pain with her, but she didn't even try to stop her sobs. She knew that these were the tears what would heal, the ones that would let the brunette process everything safely, and she was her rock, her sanctuary, her safety and security, and she would not let anything interrupt Anna's healing.

They sat like that for at least five minutes. Anna eventually slowed down in her sobs, then, sniffing, gently peeled herself back from Sam, a smile on her face despite the tears staining her cheeks. She took the punk's face in her hands, and planted a loving kiss on her lips.

"Thank you," she whispered, then took her tea back. "Just... thank you."

"Always," Sam replied with a smile, cupping the brunette's neck in her hands, wiping the tears away with her thumbs, then leaned in and gave her own loving kiss. "Also... just to be completely clear... you are not at fault at all for yesterday. It was my fuck up. It was my responsibility to show you how to enjoy one of the most extreme fetishes out there properly, and I got lost in my own lust and pleasure... I didn't consider how you might have been triggered by everything happening so fa-"

"Sam," Anna smiled, sniffling again, wiping her nose on her arm gently, "to b-borrow what you said yesterday: If you n-need to hear it, I forgive you. You s-s-stayed by me when n-no one else in my life ever has. Having you with me... h-helped me more than you could po-pos-possibly imagine. Knowing you were there... it helped me g-g-get back to myself..."

Sam kissed her forehead, wrapping her in another hug.

"We're in this together, babe," she said gently, getting a single arm snaked around her waist and squeezed tight at that. "Always. Anything else you want to get off your shoulders or mind?"

Anna pulled back gently, her face a mask of thought. Out of nowhere, she smiled.

"You j-j-just... this all reminded me of a g-great lyric from a song," she said, her voice once again steady, not shaky or quiet. "It goes: Forgive me, for I have but two faces / One for the world, and one for God, save me. It really f-f-fits this whole situation. Also, that, in a way, m-m-makes you a God... because you've s-s-seen both faces."

With a sly smirk, Sam leaned in and kissed Anna lovingly, putting some real pressure into it.

"Well, I can live with that," she whispered with a coy tone. "But... I prefer Goddess."

"You kinky bitch" Anna laughed, then very lightly slapped Sam's cheek. "I f-f-feel... a l-lot better now, having told s-someone about why I was so tr-tra-trapped in my own head. I... n-n-n-need time to process everything, but... I'm b-b-better now. I've n-never had someone to love as much as I love you, and that h-helps more than you c-can ever know."

"It's what I'm here for, it's what girlfriends are for," Sam shrugged, picking up her coffee and clinking her mug against Anna's gently, then smiled as she continued.

"I'm here for you."

------------

The hot water coursing down her face, wiping away all the stresses of the past 24 hours and emotional morning, made Anna heave out a happy sigh. The shower was revitalizing, especially after... well... everything.

She rubbed her face, turning around so the back of her hair could get properly soaked through as she picked up her shower puff and squeezed a little body wash into it. She mashed it in her hand for a few seconds to lather it up, then started to scrub. As she did, she let her mind wander, thinking about everything that had happened in the past little while.

I'm actually... really feeling good now, even relieved and happy, she thought to herself.

While the pain she had gone through the day before was still fresh in her mind, the way Sam had listened to her so reassuringly this morning gave her an amazing sense of peace. She was... okay with herself about her past now. While they had talked, she had naturally felt sad and remorseful, even ashamed, yet she hadn't felt the darkness coming in to envelop her mind.

On top of that, Sam had understood, even validated why she had cut herself, why she had stopped, the pain and suffering she had gone through... everything. Sticking her tongue in her cheek, she realized that, in fact, she couldn't sense the dark clouds at the edges of her mind at all. It was as if they had all been melted away, like morning dew under a hot sun. The fact that she had even been able to talk about everything without at all feeling even a small part of her mind overwhelmed or shutting down, retreating, or even fighting back at her... it felt like the darkness was completely gone.

"Maybe," she said quietly to herself, her hand paused in mid-scrub under her breasts, holding one up in her hand to give access under it, "maybe you needed to just experience it and..."

She bit her lower lip, continuing that thought in her head. She hadn't just snapped and let a small bit of pain out. She had been more furious, more filled with rage than even when she was being bullied. That had dropped a nuke on her defences, and she had been forced to experience everything, fresh and raw again.

It had hurt like nothing she had ever gone through. Yet... she realized that she had been leaning on someone with immense emotional strength, and... biting her lip, she thought about how after she had relived all her darkest moments, they had just fizzled out. Then she had talked about them with Sam this morning... .

Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped as it suddenly clicked in her mind.

This time it had been different. This time, she had someone to lean on. Someone to hold her up and support her while she was going through it all. Someone that didn't, wouldn't leave her to suffer alone. Someone that gently talked about the difficult things this morning...

It came into sharp focus in her mind, the things she had missed in her pain yesterday. Sam whispering that she loved her in her ear constantly. Her strong, supportive arms wrapped tightly around her. She felt the one arm leave her to brace against the wall as she had been hit in the face with all her worst memories.

She saw the concerned but loving look Sam had looked at her with more than once. She saw care and love and support there. She heard the words, I love you, I've got you, you're safe now, over and over in her mind. She also realized that there was a huge difference between being 15 and in the middle of torment, and being 20 and away from the place where the torment had happened...

She was older and by definition more mature... and with that maturity, she had finally been able to process everything while in Sam's arms, both yesterday and in the extended, quiet snuggle of the morning. She felt a smile tug her jaw closed when she realized that without knowing it, she had also accepted each memory, event, and every scrap of pain while she had walked home with Sam. Hand in hand, feeling that connection and drawing strength from it, then this morning, once again drawing strength from the punk... she had let the last of the memories go, had processed the last few vestiges of shame, sorrow, pain, and anger.

That purple haired woman is a fucking rock! Anna thought to herself, feeling the smile widen on her face. Sam was stable and steady, ready to support her. It was that connection with her, that love, that had allowed her to accept each trauma and evil thought. It was that support that had allowed her to just let it exist instead of locking it away. As each event had been processed, it was suddenly no longer dark and evil, it just... was.

Smiling wide, she finished scrubbing, putting the puff back on its little shelf on the shower organizer after rinsing it out. Picking up the shampoo, she moved forward a step so the water was hitting her lower back and ass, and started to lather up her hair.

She still felt the memories there, the feeling of the knife across her skin, the thoughts about ending it, but she could simply accept it now. It was a part of her. It was definitely in the past, but it was no longer part of who she had become. It no longer needed to define her, who she was, what she was.

Her smile twisting slightly in to a wry one, she realized that, in a way, Sam's "fuck up" had actually healed her more than hurt her. It had been more effective than anything prior in helping her get through her pain and the darkness that had consumed her for five long years.