Sand Castle Sandy

I pressed the lever on the passenger side 'captain's seat' and rotated it until I was looking right at him, perched high in the driver's seat looking like a bus driver. He glanced over at me and saw the look on my face before putting his eyes back on the road. He muttered, "Oh, boy."

"Why are you here? Why are you doing this?" I asked.

He sighed. "I told you all this over the phone a hundred times. I had so much fun carving with you last year and your trip sounds like a blast." He made a quick glance over at me to judge how I took that. "Plus, I thought I could keep you company."

Now it was my turn to sigh. "I'm not buying that. It's just not good enough."

He paused his reply, almost lost in thought. I waited, wondering where my burst of courage had come from. Maybe it was because I was on my home turf in the RV?

"Sandy," he started off slowly, "I don't really know for sure. What I do know is that I want to be near you."

"Why?" I shot back.

I got a quick glance from him before he answered, "Why wouldn't I? A long road trip with a beautiful, kind, talented, amazing woman. With stops along the way to play in the sand."

"Bullshit. I'm none of those things."

"You are all of those things," he said with another quick glance. "And by the end of this trip, I hope I can get you to see it too."

"You hardly even know me."

With a grin returning to his face he said, "Well, we're going to get to know each other real good after being cooped up together for a thousand miles, aren't we?"

I pouted, still not satisfied, "You're crazy."

He pumped his fist in the air, "Finally!"

"What?!"

"You finally didn't use that word to describe yourself." I frowned at how proud of himself he was for that.

I topped up our travel cups from the thermos I brought to buy me time, afraid of how this conversation was about to turn. I could feel it.

"Let me ask you this, Sandy." He sounded naturally confident. "Why did you accept to take me along for the ride?"

"Because you wore me down," I deflected.

He turned my own words around on me, "I'm not buying that. Not good enough."

"I can use your sand carving skills, you're the best I've ever seen at it. And I need to win for the gas money."

He grinned again, "Now who's talking bullshit? Why did you really agree to this?"

Could I be honest with him? Could I be honest with myself? I dug a hole I didn't know how to get out of.

"Maybe," I told him, "I just like to be in your company."

"Why?"

Dammit! Why was he doing this to me?!

"Ugghh. OK. You're a nice guy. Maybe I like you a little bit."

He nodded his head while keeping his eyes on the road, with a smile, "I like you too. Are you happy now?"

As if I would ever really be happy. But it would gladly end this conversation. "Yes."

To make sure he knew we were finished too, I grabbed my sketchbook and pack of colored pencils I had shoved into the crack of the dashboard and found a blank page. I sketched his profile while we were now headed east and into the sun after Rick merged onto another highway I was well familiar with.

At one point, he said, "I'd puke if I did that."

"Carsick, eh?" I responded, continuing to add shadow to my illustration.

"Only if I read or do something like you're doing."

"Good, maybe I can get you to drive the whole way then."

He replied, "I'm game. I don't mind."

"Yeah? You will. I have to pee." I picked up my phone and was going to look at where the next rest station would be on the navigation app when I realized I had a text from my sister. I said it out loud, "Oh. I missed a text from Sam."

I opened it eagerly. It read, "I left you a present in the glove box."

Without even thinking about it, I reached for the sizable glove box and pulled it open. I reacted a little too dramatically with a gasp. The whole thing was filled with condoms, of all different kinds from the quick glance I got before slamming it shut.

I looked over at Rick with wide eyes, hoping he didn't see the contents. He glanced over at me with a soft chuckle and then got his eyes back on the road.

He said gently, "I figured you stored your maintenance records in the glove box, so I wanted to put the receipt from the oil change in there last night. I didn't expect to see what was in there either."

*

The king was a good king. A leader that his people would give their lives for without hesitation in that they loved him. He had protected his people and didn't consider them merely as 'subjects', no. He looked at it the other way around, that he was there for them and that he would give his own life on the field of battle if it could keep his people safe and free. Only he was lonely. Wait. Was he? I think so. He lost his queen unexpectedly and he had loved her so deeply. That he... that he... what? What would he do?

For a change, I wasn't wearing my earbuds so he didn't sneak up and startle me when he got my attention, instead kneeling down and filling my vision with his face. "Hey," he said, smiling a little before looking concerned and then putting his hand on my bare shoulder urging me to get up, I had been detailing on all fours.

I got up and stretched, urging the kink in my back to unkink. "Everything OK?" I asked.

"I don't think so. It's going to happen I'm afraid." He motioned out beyond the pier and the dark and foreboding sky. "We knew it was a possibility, the forecast was sure about it."

"So much for it never raining in San Diego." Drops were starting to fall, but I could see in the distance, it was falling in buckets and fast approaching.

He chuckled, "Well, it hasn't rained in a June here more than an eighth of an inch in 120 years, it was just saving up to spoil our fun. We were almost finished, too. Why don't you photograph the hell out of it now and we'll watch the moat fill up for real.

I had just gotten the sand castle documented with my phone camera when the rain started to dump on us. I looked around, we were the only ones left on the pier, even Security moved out of view to find shelter.

We still used the public showers and cleaned up inside and out, but there was nobody in sight, so I was a little more comfortable in getting the sand out of my bottoms. Except for the cold. The rain was cool as was the shower, I checked on my nipple bumps and they were proud and standing tall like some of my castle towers. I wonder if Rick had noticed.

We sat in the RV and listened to the music the rain made on the tin roof. I always loved the way rain sounded from inside the RV. I remember as a kid sitting at the table with my family playing Uno, while watching the rain pass through out of the picture windows. Somehow it didn't bother me at all that my castle was being wiped out.

My phone pinged and I checked the text from the competition organizers. The competition was formerly canceled. Duh. Only it meant my special-permit free parking was too.

"It's official. My streak is broken at four." I told him.

Not knowing what else to do, Rick had an idea that I agreed to but made me scream inside my head. In his truck, he followed me to the tire center where we'd leave the RV for the weekend. After saying a quick hello to Jim and Maggie, I grabbed a change of clothes from inside the RV and rode with him to his condo where I'd be his first ever visitor to stay in his guest room.

His place, once I got over the mess which Rick scrambled to sort out in complete red-faced embarrassment, was a dream. Incredible view, looking right at his favorite beach framed by the bay, the cityscape, and the ocean just in view on either side. As night fell we watched the lights come on in the city from his balcony, just out of reach from the rain.

*

If I hadn't witnessed it, I would have never believed it had rained as I woke up to the sun which came out in full to cloudless skies. Well, other than my castle having been reduced to a soggy, shapeless pile.

Over the weekend Rick took me to the zoo and we explored the harbor together, and we shared meals where I insisted on going Dutch. I could have used the gas money from another sand win, but Rick was going to go halves on gas for our summer excursion.

So after a leisurely drive a couple hours up the coast, we landed in Dana Point. Our RV cohabitation officially began. I just couldn't believe we were doing this.

There were moments where it wasn't easy. First, Rick is big enough of a guy that he tended to clod-hop through the RV. The thing would rock back and forth, squeaking and moaning whenever he'd move about the cabin. I chuckled, it was like riding on a tilt-a-whirl sometimes. He would chuckle back, "Next year, we're getting new shock absorbers on this thing."

All that was at least painless.

Being in such close quarters, it was almost a dance if we were both trying to move about. My non-functional bathroom now served as a closet and changing room, and at one point he opened the door from inside a little too fast and hard where I walked right into it, knocking me flat on my ass. I literally saw stars, like in a cartoon. The next thing I knew I was lying on the bed, Rick's troubled face in mine while he held some ice to my throbbing forehead. He apologized, "That's going to leave a mark, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry." It was the look of concern on his face that got to me, enough so I forgot how my head (and ass) felt.

Our castle here rocked and we got it done in record time, mostly because we had done it before, carving a duplicate of what was ruined in the rain the weekend before.

What I liked about Dana Point was there was a long stretch of beach where I could park the RV close to the surf. I opened up my folding chair, and brought out Dad's old one for Rick, and put them in front of the space. We were able to put our feet in the sand with a 180-degree view of the Pacific and watch the sun go down. Sharing this with Rick, was, well, it was salvational. It was the greatest feeling of peace that I could remember.

We talked for a while, then I sketched a little bit, looking ahead to Newport. We talked a little more until I moved on to reading a novel on my Kindle while he poked around on his iPad catching up with his business. We put all the devices down when the sun got low over the ocean and then we looked out for the green flash as the sun went out of sight.

For years I would look back on this time. That unfamiliar feeling free of worry, my mind not punishing me for it either. So I took a chance. A chance at building on this feeling. Of feeling good inside.

I looked down on Rick scrunched up in the convertible bed, before wishing him good night and turning out the camping lantern. I sat down next to him, on the very edge. He raised his eyebrows at me and studied my face. "Um. Good night?" He questioned.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't know how long we're both going to need. And maybe we can't be fixed, like ever. But right now, I know two things. One, you can't spend all summer in this bed, and two, I have a queen size bed that has room enough for both of us."

He propped himself up on his elbows. He asked softly, "Really?"

I replied just as softly, "Really." I followed it with a whimper, "Please."

I steeled myself, bracing for rejection, but got a smile from him with a sympathetic look, like he knew. "Thank you."

He gave me the choice of which side and then we climbed in. I closed my eyes when he moved over and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. Lights out, lying next to each other in bed, I wondered what my sister would think if she could see me now. What did she tell me? That sleeping with him would do me a world of good?

I pushed my luck, whispering, "Rick? Would you hold me?"

He reached a strong arm around and pulled me gently into a little spoon to his big spoon. I immediately felt his warmth and it was a marvelous feeling. I moaned a little when he whispered, "Good night, beautiful."

*

I ripped the page out of my sketchbook in frustration and bounced my pencil off the table. Rick picked it up and handed it back to me. I thanked him and then apologized for my outburst before I got upset all over again.

"This is so stupid," I exclaimed. "What kind of theme is 'great cinema' at a sand CASTLE competition?!"

He chuckled, "I've never seen you so feisty. I kind of like this look on you." I gave him a stink-face and he chuckled again. "So cute."

He poured us another cup of coffee and returned sitting across from me at the dinette. He changed his tone to something more serious, "You should still be enjoying the moment of beating that old guy and taking a trophy in Dana Point for the first time. And cinema is not that bad a theme. I kinda like it even. You know I love old movies, there's been lots with kings and queens and castles. Wait, I know. Last year I saw an old movie from, I think, the 50's, The Queen of Sheba. It had a middle east kind of castle in it, very geometric. That could be a fun change."

It was like he opened a door for me in my head yet again. "Oh!" I reached across the table and pulled his head into mine for a hard, fast kiss. "I could do Aladdin! The Sultan's palace is kind of like a castle and would be a blast to do in sand. Kids would love it." I took to my sketchbook again which also served to hide my blush from the impromptu where-did-that-come-from kiss.

"See, there you go," he intoned. "Um, in the future, maybe you shouldn't brainstorm and sketch in the morning or until after breakfast."

"Oh, ha, ha, Mr. Morning-bright-eyes." I had to laugh though. He was right. The last two weeks together was a strange and interesting mix of our opposite outlook on mornings.

"Come on," he pulled me up by the hand, "let's go get breakfast and then explore Newport together. We have the whole day free, let's get started."

I gave him my best snotty-teenager pout, "Fine!" I smiled at him anyway.

This new expression of our familiarity just turned into routine. Where I had been a 'homebody' to the RV when I toured the coast alone, Rick liked to walk and explore, and I enjoyed doing that with him. He made me feel safe. We sometimes held hands along the way. Alternatively, we'd be alone, but together, like when we'd read and sketch or whatever, all within reach of one another. Turning in, I'd get a kiss goodnight, and then fall asleep in his arms.

And that's as far as we got. Neither of us willing to push the envelope or move any faster.

Newport, Long Beach and then Santa Monica, we were crushing it in competition while our hearts had wrapped around one another's and then was put on pause. It wasn't worth it to be crushed in a game of hearts. Whatever the case, I don't remember a happier time.

We headed north, actually having a two week break between competitions before we had to be in Santa Barbara when he sprung a surprise on me. His PA, which he had promoted to GM of his company, managed to score an impossible-to-get reservation for an RV park at Ventura Beach.

We explored town and the surrounding hiking trails, we enjoyed the beach, the dunes and tide pools, and to any casual observer, looked like a touristy couple there on vacation.

We had been there a few days when something happened that shook me to my core. We were walking through the RV cabin, me from front to back and Rick the opposite direction when we had to pass each other in the narrow part of the cabin, having to turn sideways to get by each other when he just stopped. I stopped too. There was something about his eyes that made me hold my breath. My first read was that they blazed with pure lust. Need and desire. His hands made their way to my hips. Then his eyes changed, morphing along with his entire expression. It was guilt. I somehow just knew it. He let go of his hands as if they had been burned.

"It's Vickie." I asked, summoning the courage to hold eye contact, until this time it was his turn to look away. "Isn't it?"

"No. No. Nothing like that." It sounded sincere, but in my mind, it just had to be a lie.

He went off to use the public bathroom and said he'd be right back, but I wasn't there when he returned.

I found an empty spot on the beach two-hundred yards south of the pier, and with my tools started to build a mound of sand like the way Daddy had taught me. Only this wasn't going to be a castle. I did my best to channel Rick's skills and for the next two hours transformed the mound into a less-than-life-size woman sitting on the sand with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. With her long hair cascading around her, the biggest challenge was to carve Vickie's face with realism and a serious look.

My playing card of choice to do the detailing was the Ace of Hearts, because what else would I use for this?

With the sunset over my shoulder coloring her sand face, I sat in front of her with my back to the ocean and looked at Vickie. We had to have a serious talk. She knew it too.

"Vickie, I wish I had known you. I'm sorry that your light darkened too soon. So unfair." It took effort to not get choked up. "I don't know what to do. Your husband is such an amazing guy, I get what you saw in him. I've never met a man like him before. He's a good man. He wants to fix me, and I think it's working. But I can't fix him. I think I'm hurting him."

There were tears in my eyes, so it was a little blurry but I saw a kindness in her own. It even looked like she might cry at any second. I tried to clear my vision but all I managed to do was make a mess, transferring sand to my face with the back of my wrist. I pulled my knees tighter to my chest and buried my face into my arms that rested at my knees.

"I didn't think I could feel again. Want something for myself again. Allow myself to be vulnerable again. My heart broke a little today when I looked into his eyes. I think he wanted me and then he didn't. What should I do?"

I looked up at Vickie and standing just behind her was Rick. His arms were crossed and he didn't look happy with me.

He went around and sat down next to me. "Why don't you talk to me instead?"

I was horrified. Now I really hurt him. "Oh, Rick. I'm so sorry. I'm hurting you, aren't I? I didn't mean to. I didn't know it would get to this. I should just go home."

He opened his legs and scooted up to me until we were in an awkward hug, both wrapped up chest to chest on the sand.

He spoke into my ear gently, like he was afraid he'd break me, "Oh, Sandy. You haven't hurt me. It hasn't been easy on me, but you couldn't hurt me."

I looked up into his face, trying to understand. He wiped the sand and tears from my face with clean hands.

"What I mean to say," he continued, "is that I've been waiting for you... no, wanting you to make the next move. When you're ready. I don't want to force you or scare you or make you stress out. And look what a mess I've made of that. I'm not a real patient guy, I generally go get what I want, but my internal conflict in waiting for you to be ready and to just go after what I want, like I almost did in the RV before you ran away, I just... I just... oh, I'm messing this up so bad."

I was trying to process what he said. So confused. He moved to hold me at arm's length, hands on my shoulders. "Sandy. Let me start over." He cupped my face and gave me a tender kiss on my lips. "I want you." Another kiss. "I need you." Another kiss, longer this time. "I love you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He smiled that smile of his and his eyes never looked dreamier. Barely audible above the sound of the surf, he said, "I'll wait for you, but even if you never feel any of those things for me, the way I feel about you isn't ever going to change."

My tummy flipped, like only he was ever able to do to me, only the feeling didn't abate. I wrapped my arms around him and held on like my life depended on it.