Sandcastles

"So," she said, again.

"Uh huh?"

"When are we doing that girl's weekend you promised me?"

"Um. When are you free?"

"For you? Always."

"Charley... be serious for a bit, will you?"

"Shan't. Won't," she laughed. "How does two weeks time sound? I've got a gap in my manic social life then."

I riffled through my mental calendar, and snorted ruefully at myself. Of course I was free.

"Um... it sounds... nice?" I admitted.

"Want me to come down to you? Or shall we look for something midway?"

"Actually, I'll come to you. I... I want to see where you live; It would be nice to see somewhere new and pretty. Ipswich is... well... it's Ipswich."

"It has the sea."

"But not our sea. This one's muddy and cold. And it's really more of an estuary, when you get down to it."

"I guess Lincoln is better. We have a castle, after all."

"That's right. Twist the knife, why don't you," I muttered, and she laughed again.

I stared at the block of flats across the road through my grimy kitchen window.

"Ariadne?"

"Mm?"

"I can see you're pensive. What's bugging you?"

"Nothing. Everything. Stuff."

"Ah yes. Stuff. Stuff is quite tiring, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It is," I sighed. "I..."

"You... what?"

"I just wish you were here, is all. I just wish I had your breath here near me, even if just for a moment. My flat echoes. The chalet didn't when... when you were there with me."

"I'd almost be tempted to think you miss me," she teased me.

"I do."

"Don't be so sombre, Ari."

"That's like asking water not to flow downhill, you know."

"I can be very persuasive," she said in a breathy little voice, and the little almost-pain blossomed slightly more just under my heart.

"What are your plans for tonight then?" she said. She made her way from one room to another, and the camera canted crazily through space before stabilizing again, showing a view of her ceiling.

"Read, I guess. I have books that I never got to thanks to you."

"Apology accepted," she said smugly. "Listen, Ari, I can't actually chat for long right now," she added. "You caught me as I was about to dash out - I need to go get some groceries; I've got literally nothing in the house. Shall I ping you later, seeing as you're free?"

"Yes. I'd really like that."

"Right, it's a date. Chat properly later, then," she said.

"Yeah. Chat later," I answered softly.

She hung up, and I sighed, not unhappily.

We slipped into a daily routine as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Whichever of us woke up first (me) would wake the other (her); and generally I'd accept with good grace her sleepy, sweary rants about "Sparrow fart" and "The crack of dawn", laughing softly as she'd abuse me with a smile clearly audible in her voice.

And evenings would never pass without a "goodnight hug" as she referred to our sometimes-brief but never-missed chats.

I swiftly came to depend on our interactions; I had no comparable connection to anyone within my small circle of friends, and my odd hobbies and loner nature left me socially isolated more often than not.

I'd convinced myself that I was better off that way.

I'd tied knots and tangles of thought and behaviour throughout my life to reinforce this lie.

Charley, of course, undid all of it.

She kicked in the door of my day to day and stomped into my world, upending large parts of my quiet, melancholic calm and, frequently, leaving me laughing so hard at things she'd say that I'd lie on the floor, retching and coughing, perilously close to a bladder malfunction.

I loved her wit, her words, the way she always seemed to know precisely what I was thinking - often before I did.

I'd catch myself staring at my phone, waiting for her to text or call. I'd be unable to sleep if I hadn't talked to her. I craved her opinion on everything, no matter how trivial it might seem later.

And finally I had no choice but to face reality.

She was... important to me.

She was all that was important to me any more.

I needed her more than I needed air to breathe.

So one Thursday evening we decided I'd catch the bus to her that Saturday, and I watched the hours tick down with all the patience of a child in the run up to Christmas.

.:.

I stepped down onto the pavement and paused, scanning the crowd for her tell-tale hair. She was off to one side, head down, focused on her phone, lip trapped between her teeth in her old I'm-thinking pose.

I took a slow breath, squared my shoulders, shouldered my bag and started to walk towards her, trying very hard to ignore the swarm of butterflies that had set flight in my tummy. As I neared her she looked up from her phone and saw me. Her smile blossomed immediately and she pranced forward to meet me with her arms spread wide. She wrapped herself around me, pressed her cheek to mine, then laughed as I simply locked her in place against me and refused to let go.

"I've missed you," I managed, eventually. She made a soft, pleased sound.

"I can tell. Come on. It's way too busy and noisy here and there's a lovely coffee shop just up the hill a bit. We can get something to snack on before I drag you hither and thither. Ari... is that really all you brought with you?"

I hefted my small rucksack. "I travel light," I said. "I don't need much."

"Mm," she said, eyes twinkling. "Cheap date."

"Like you'd know," I retorted.

She tugged gently on my arm. "Come on," she said, still smirking.

I shifted my bag on my shoulder and fell into comfortable step beside her, utterly enamoured with the way she clasped my hand in hers. She was alive - flushed, vivacious and clearly euphoric. The sun was bright on the roofs and windows of Lincoln's town centre; her hair shone like polished gold every time we crossed a gap in the facades that surrounded us. The russet brown of her skirt flamed to copper in the sunlight, and the faint shape of her bra shone through her thin white cotton blouse.

She lit my world.

The strange old pang was back in residence under my ribs, and I felt even more tongue-tied than usual.

Charley bought us each a take away coffee and linked her arm through mine as she dragged me along after her deeper into her stomping grounds. She ushered me through an alley and we began to climb a succession of narrow, steep little streets up what felt like an endless mountain - I was soon well out of breath and sweating.

"Takes it out of you, doesn't it," she laughed.

"Fucking hell," I agreed, panting.

"This road is called Steep Hill road," she added, amused. "Watching tourists climb it is a local spectator sport."

"You don't... say. Very original name."

"We're very imaginative here. Don't worry. Only a few more yards, Ari. We're nearly there."

"Nearly... where?"

"Here," she said, as the buildings opened out around us.

I took a breath, and straightened, and turned to look where she was gesturing.

"Welcome to the top of the Lincoln Edge. That enormous building over there is the Cathedral," she said quietly.

"Oh... wow..."

"And that," she said, as she put her hand to my hip and spun me around, "is why I brought you here. That's Lincoln castle."

I stared at the long curtain wall, the solid gatehouse with its Gothic arch, the crenels along the battlements...

"Mother of God. It's enormous," I said softly, after quite some time.

"I thought you'd say that. Come. There are stairs up to the battlements inside and the view from above the gatehouse is... spellbinding."

"You're spoiling me today."

"I know. Don't worry, I'll extract my payment later."

"Payment, is it?" I said, as I fell into step next to her once more.

"Yeah. I'll demand more hugs."

"Charley... you'd hardly need to demand those."

"I know, I know... but it's still nice to pretend I do. Sometimes," she added, bumping her hip gently against mine.

She guided us in through the tall gates of the castle's eastern gate, and I followed her out onto the immaculate lawn of the enormous bailey. She steered me to a corner in the outer wall; a steel gantry and staircase led us upwards onto the battlements.

I leaned against the ancient stones and stared out over the vista of the town below us.

"Wow," I said, again at loss for anything more meaningful to say.

"Takes your breath away, doesn't it?" she said.

"Yeah. Oh my. It's so pretty up here. It must be nice to live on the slope - you can see for miles and miles. I'm officially jealous."

"Yeah, I guess that's why they put the castle and Cathedral up here. Closer to heaven or some such muck. I like coming here. Any time I need reminding how tiny I am against the world I come stand up here for an hour or two."

"You're not that tiny," I protested. "You're the perfect size."

She smiled. "I know I am, but you know what I mean. It's really nice to share the view, that's for sure," she said. "Especially with you."

"It's nice to be here with you. It's nice to be able to keep that promise at last."

She glanced up at me.

"I know it's not the islands..." she began.

"Those are just a dream, Charley. A wonderful, magical, sublime fantasy that you and I get to share. This is real. This is... better. It's better, Charley. So much better."

"I'm glad you feel like that."

She slipped her arm around me. And after a moment I shyly slid mine around her shoulders.

I felt her sigh as she leaned in; I tucked my face in against her hair and just breathed her in. My heart hammered hard in my chest; I swallowed as I tried to control the nerves.

"You're smell so nice," she mumbled.

"It was the climb. Made me sweat."

She sighed again, softer this time; her hand shifted slightly lower down my side, and from there to my hip.

"Charley..." I whispered, as butterflies erupted deep within me.

"Oh. Right, sorry, I keep forgetting..." she apologised, contrite. Her hand crept away.

"No... wait... that's not..."

She paused.

"What... what do you mean?"

"Just... don't stop, is all. I... I think I sort of really... like that. Being touched like that. By you. Um... I mean..."

"Are you fucking with me? If so, don't, Ari. Please. I... "

I turned; pulled back so that I could see her, so I could meet her gaze as I fumbled for her hands and clasped them clumsily in mine.

Her cheeks were flushed; pink and lovely.

Her mouth was slightly open, as if frozen in surprise.

"Don't look at me like that," she began. "Don't..."

I leaned forward and kissed her - awkwardly and abruptly in my usual stupid way.

Her hands clenched hard on mine as she squeaked in shock. I broke free and leaned in against her, heart cantering in my chest as she panted little breathy gasps into my neck.

"Ariadne Sophia Taylor," she said, slowly and deliberately. "You just kissed me again," she added, as if she needed to make sure I knew what I'd just done.

"I... I know. Sorry."

"Are you really? Oh. That's a shame..." she sighed.

She slowly started to try to disentangle herself from me.

"No, don't let me go!" I begged her. I locked my arms around her.

"I have to. Ari, I have to. Please, Ari, please, I can't want you as much as I want you and not have you, Ari. I can't..."

"I need you. I need you in my life like I've never needed anyone ever before," I cried out. Other people turned to stare, but for once in my life I didn't care about appearances.

"How... do you need me," she whispered, after some time, her words stiff, her tone guarded.

She seemed to hold her breath.

"I think I'm in love with you," I somehow managed to whisper, after a false start or two.

"... Oh," she breathed.

And then she followed up an aeon later with a quiet little choked-up "Okay."

"Is that... all?" I managed, not quite believing her lack of reaction. "Is that all you'll say to me?"

"It's all I can right now. The... the rest is going to have to wait. I don't have space for it right now. Not right now. Too full up."

She slumped in against me; I squeezed my eyes tightly closed as I clutched her to me.

She was shaking; I heard her sniff once.

"Jesus, it only took you long enough," she whispered.

"I'm... sorry..."

"No. Don't be. Don't you dare ever be. Ari?"

"Yes."

"Kiss me again," she begged. "Please. Kiss me again. Third time's the charm. Third time pays for all."

So I did.

.:.

We'd retreated to a nearby pub to escape curious eyes and find some much-needed privacy for ourselves as we regrouped. She'd dragged me to a table in a dim corner, away from the noise near the counter and kitchen.

She'd pushed me down onto the padded bench and slid in beside me to trap me there, hip to my hip, thigh to my thigh, a warm, divine presence wholly in control of my personal space with no chance of my escaping her.

"You blush like no girl I've ever seen blush before."

"Stop it," I growled, blushing even hotter.

She took a jerky sip of her wine; her frown had returned from its brief jaunt elsewhere.

"So..." she said softly.

"So..."

"Ari... what caused your complete change of heart?"

I sighed and picked at my ragged fingers.

"I don't know. I... does there have to be something? Can't it just... be?"

"The problem, Ariadne, is that I don't do things by degrees. I can't. I'm an all or nothing creature. If I... now that I've... well. What I'm trying to say is..."

"I want you in my life, Charley," I declared. I stared down at my own dark red wine - still untouched; I was far too keyed up to cope with it. I took a breath, tried to impose order the words that strained to tumble out of me. "I've always wanted you in my life. It's just... it's just now that I've finally come to realise how much and in what particular way."

"And what way is that? Just so we're absolutely clear?"

I glanced up, then swiftly down again. Her eyes were dark in the semi-gloom - nearly feral, almost fierce, very hard to meet for any extended period.

"You're making this really hard for me," I whispered. "Really, really hard."

"I have to. I love you, Ari, more than life, more than song. But I... I can't go blindly into this. It will consume me. There'll be nothing left of me if... if this goes wrong. I can't risk that without being sure."

She took my left hand in hers and clasped it almost painfully tightly.

"Look at me," she said.

Slowly, hesitantly, I looked up, met her gaze, swallowing nervously.

"I've never had any doubts about who I wanted," she breathed. "I've always loved you and you alone. I dallied elsewhere to try to hide from it, but I never could. You were my one, my person. You never made it easy for me. Losing you the first time came close to killing me. Losing you again... well..."

She sighed, cocked her head to one side as she stared at me.

"I'm mad to even entertain this, you know," she added. "Ari... love, how do you know this isn't some passing madness, some strange attack of lunacy..."

"I don't. I don't know anything. Do you think I woke up today and said, oh, fancy that, I guess I'm a closet lesbian, I'll go see if Charley's still keen? I have no idea about almost anything right now. None. None at all. Everything I thought I knew about myself is... different..."

"Shh, wait, it's OK, I didn't mean..."

I swallowed, tried again.

"Charley," I said.

"Yes?" she answered, after a brief silence.

"There are only two things that I know. And I mean, that I really, really know. Things I know in my bones. True things. One of them is how to build a reasonable sandcastle. The other is that I can't bear to be separated from you any longer. I just can't. I can barely function any more if I don't have you to talk to, to laugh with. You... you bring the colours to my life, Charley. Without you everything is... grey. Not worth having. I don't know if that's enough for you, but it is for me. If you want me... I'm yours. Yours utterly and without reservation. There's no part of me left that I could hold back from you. Or would want to."

She closed her eyes for a moment. Then she took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders and turned slightly on her seat to face me

"So... what do we do now?" she said.

"I don't know. I've never had a..."

"Girlfriend. The word is girlfriend, Ariadne. Say it with me. Girl... friend..."

"Are you... I mean..."

"Oh my God you really are so bad at this," she said with a strange little chuckle. "Yes, Ari. Yes, I am. Yes, we are. An item. In a relationship. Girlfriends. I'm utterly yours. Without reservation. Officially. Is that clear enough for you?"

"Oh... um... yes?"

Her grin widened to Cheshire cat proportions.

She leaned in against me and gently kissed my cheek.

"I'll get you loosened up, don't you fret," she breathed into my ear.

I covered her hand with my own.

"Sorry I'm so utterly hopeless at this," I whispered.

"Oh, Ari. It makes you all the more precious to me, that's all."

We stayed to finish our wine - not talking much, just being close to one another.

At some point she took my hand and put it in her lap, slipping my fingers down between her thighs and closing them on my hand to trap me there.

"Just teasing us," she breathed into my ear. "Sorry. I know I'm a bit wicked. Just a little bit."

And from that point my concentration was shot, because all I wanted to do was kiss her and make love to her and never, ever stop doing either.

.:.

I managed to control myself most of the way back to her flat, but lost my battle as we reached her door. I pushed her back against it, heedless of the way she squealed and protested, and I began to kiss her as if my life depended on it.

Which, I suppose, wasn't really all that far from the truth.

I moaned as I felt her thigh press between mine; she grasped my bum and pulled me hard against her before she broke away for air.

"Ari," she panted.

"Mm," I disagreed as I tried to resume my frontal assault.

"Gotta... mm... love, let me at least... open the door for us..."

"Don't... want to...," I complained.

"I'll... mm... I'll carry on kissing... after..."

I sighed. "Fine!" I said with a pout, and I released my hold on her. She took a deep, shuddering breath.

"You do that far too well. Far, far too well," she groaned. She turned, fumbled her keys, nearly dropping them twice before she managed to get them into her lock.

"Stop that," she whimpered as I nibbled at her neck. "Let me... Ari... for fuck sakes... let me at least get the door open..."

"Sorry. Newly minted lesbian here. Not keen to stop. Not keen at all."

She laughed, long and deep in her throat, then spun around, framed my cheeks so that she could kiss me as she pulled me over her threshold and into the kaleidoscope interior of her flat.

"Close that damn door," she commanded. She stood, staring at me, cheeks flushed pink, breasts heaving under the constricting fabric of her blouse. I fumbled the door closed; turned back to her and leaned against it for a moment .

She kicked off her sandals.

"You're impossible," she said softly. "Do you have any idea how worked up you've just got me?"

I squeezed my thighs together, conscious of the ache within me. "Some, perhaps."

Her eyebrow arched up and she smirked, pleased. "Lets take a five minute breather," she said softly. "Lets... just... calm things down a bit. That was very... intense. Very."

"Spoilsport," I grumbled.

She stepped closer. "I want to possess you completely," she said, as she reached out to trace my jaw with her fingers. "I want to know every bit of you, in intimate detail. But I want the time. Ari... I don't... I don't want to lose my head and have my first time with you be thirty seconds of frantic fumbling."

"But..."

She cupped my cheek. "I've waited years for you. Surely a few more minutes won't... matter?"

I pouted again, some small part of me aware of how ridiculous I probably looked.