Satin Blues

"You fucking bitch, what the hell is your problem?"

I shouted at her.

She smiled and said "Get dressed."

Then turned to walk out of the room, she paused at the door and turned back to me.

"I'm going to let it slide this time, but make sure that you never call me out of my name again." She said and walked out.

The tone of her voice and the look in her eyes, shook me up. I liked to think I was the baddest bitch but something told me I had met my match.

Twenty minutes later I was dressed and downstairs, Satin took one look at my outfit and shook her head, apparently my ripped jeans and green and white novelty tee shirt sans bra wasn't going to do at all. She told me to come on and she lead me into the master bedroom her closet covered one whole wall, She pulled out outfit after outfit all of which I rejected, without hesitation.

I refused to be dressed like a Stepford wife in training, finally we compromised and I chose a white pencil skirt that stopped just above my knees. I kept on the shirt I was wearing although I did put on the bra she offered. I also talked her into letting me borrow a pair of green heels with a strap around the ankle. Just before I walked out of the room I picked up a green and yellow newsboy hat from the dresser.

It smelled of cologne and I knew it had to be my father's. I put the hat on my head and turned to smile at her. She shook her head but smiled back . We left the room and the house without a word between us. She drove me to a huge public high school and parked her car. I would never admit it but I was terribly nervous and glad that she was coming in with me. Just before we got out of the car she said my name and I turned to look at her.

"I know this is all hard for you and I don't expect you to want any of it but you have to try okay?"

I nodded because for some reason I felt like crying and I knew that is I spoke I would begin to weep. I sat in the office while she talked to the principal and then more quickly than I would have liked I was alone with a schedule in my hand and a lump in my throat.

It was only the middle of October so the school year was just barely underway. I adjusted as if I had been going to school for years and after the first few weeks I was comfortable with my new surroundings and I even had a few friends. No one knew I had been home schooled for my entire life so I was just the new girl instead of some social freak.

Things at my new home weren't quite so easy to adjust to, I couldn't relate to the man who's DNA I shared and it was hard to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't who I'd always thought myself to be. My father tried her put all the effort he could spare into getting to know me and I liked him I really did but it was still hard to think of him as anything more than a stranger, plus he was almost always having to go away on business for days and sometimes weeks at a time.

Satin was the one I related too and the one who helped me the most. She was always underfoot, at first her presence was nothing but an annoyance and we fought over a lot of things but soon I began to appreciate her always being there.

That was something I never had before, someone who would be there for me without question. We still fought but I no longer hated her, she wouldn't let me smoke or drink or get high and she also set me on a curfew which I resented like hell but another part of me loved the fact that she cared enough to at least try and get me under control.

When I had a few moments to myself I would often reflect on the fact that she had accepted me into her home and even welcomed me from the start, that couldn't have been a easy and with my father being gone more than he was there she could have truly gone out of her way to make my life into a living hell. The fact that she didn't made me both respect and like her. She pushed me into a more structured lifestyle but she was by no means an evil stepmother.

Mama sent me letters weekly from all over the country but didn't come back for me and that hurt more than anything I'd ever felt in my whole life. I refused to talk about my mother and the intense anger I felt at her often scared me, how could I love and hate someone all at once? How could she just up and leave me behind like she'd done? What was so wrong with me that she could no longer even stand the sight of me? Did she even love me anymore?

The questions I had went unanswered because I couldn't ask them, firstly because aside from a handful of phone calls I couldn't talk to her and secondly I was to afraid of what the answers might be.

Both Satin and my father noted my silence on the issue and the depression that often plagued me and at first they tried to talk to me about Mama eventually they stopped when they realized that I wouldn't go there. Satin even asked me to go to a shrink but I refused and for once she didn't push the issue. She just sighed and said it would do no good for me to see a therapist if I was going to refuse to talk anyhow, and she pointed out that she knew I'd be stubborn enough to sit there for an hour in complete silence. She was right I would have done just that.

When I would allow it she would hug me for long stretches of time and just hold me and rock me as I cried but she never tried to force me to talk. By the end of the school year I was used to my life with my father and his wife and I'd even grown a little closer to my father and less awkward in his presence.

He talked to me about my childhood and made it clear that he'd always thought of me and even sent support money but in his youth he'd been scared of having a child and when Mama had pressed he'd signed over his parental rights. He said it was a decision he'd always regret, the tears in his eyes spoke more truths than his lips ever could.

I graduated that June and was really considering college, which was something I'd never even thought about before. Just as I got used to my new life my old life crept around the corner unexpectedly and once again the foundation of my world was shaken.

Mama showed up at the door one day looking as beautiful as she always had. When I opened the door she embraced me and started talking like we'd seen each other hours before instead of months. I stepped back from the door stunned. She stopped talking when she saw the look on my face. She took a good long look at me in my tennis skirt and matching top I'd been on my way out to the country club with Satin to play a few sets.

"Billie what the hell are you wearing?"

"Tennis whites." I said keeping all traces of emotion from my voice, I was seconds away from breaking down but I wasn't about to let her know that.

"What the devil have they done to you?" She asked looking me up and down again. It was on the tip of my tongue to say they've taken care of me but I didn't have the chance to speak.

"You ready Baby girl?" Satin's voice rang out from the living room moving closer as she approached. She stopped in her tracks when she saw my mother standing in the front hall.

"Zora, I wasn't expecting you, come on into the living room let me get you a drink."

Satin said after the two of them had stared each other down. I could tell by her voice that Satin was perturbed but ever the polite hostess she'd smoothly moved past the awkward silence that filled every corner of the room.

"No that's okay Satin I'm just here to get my baby girl." Mama said emphasizing the last three words.

"Well we were just stepping out would you like to join us at the country club?" Satin's voice carried a mocking tone that would have been imperceptible to anyone who didn't know her.

"No thank you, Billie and I were just leaving," Mama said looking right at me.

"No we weren't," I said

She looked at me with a mixture of shock and hurt on her face, as shitty as it was I was kind of glad she was hurt. She'd left me without a thought as to how it would effect me and it was almost satisfying to see some of the emotions I'd been struggling with written so clearly across her features.

I wasn't entirely glad though I was torn between wanting to get back at her and wanting to hug her and cling to her and never let her go.

"Mama you can't just waltz in here after nearly nine months and expect me to go home with you as if nothing happened, what about the next time you decide to up and leave me? Can you even fathom how much that hurt me? Do you even care?"

Tears were running down my face and I didn't even realize it as I screamed at her. All the hurt and anger that had been simmering for nine months boiled over, and I couldn't have stopped it if I'd wanted too.

She tried to hug me but I pushed her away and fell into Satin's arms. Mama didn't say anything but the slamming door and screeching tires announced her departure loud and clear. I wept uncontrollably and Satin held me in her arms rocking me and rubbing my back as if I were just a baby. When I could speak I did.

"I have to call her I can't just go back but..." I trailed off and stepped away from Satin. "She's going to think I chose you over her and she'll never forgive me."

Satin didn't say anything and for the first time I noticed she was crying too. I didn't know why but for the first time it was my turn to provide comfort. She pulled herself together quickly and stepped out of the embrace that I'd re-initiated.

I went upstairs to fetch my keys and she drove me to the apartment that I'd once shared with my mother and said she'd wait for me in the car. I nodded and stepped outside, I was so nervous but I knew I couldn't be like my mother, I couldn't run away when it got hard. I let myself into the apartment and went to her studio, I knew that's where she'd be.

As soon as I stepped through the door she screamed at me. "I hate you get out of here, go back to that bitch since you love her so much."

I was stunned Mama had always been prone to mood swings and bouts of rage but this was the first time she'd ever turned her rage on me. I almost left but then I decided against it, it was more clear to me than ever that Mama was mentally unstable but that didn't diminish the love I had for her.

I walked over to her and embraced her and told her over and over that I loved her. She tried to push me away but I kept going back to hug her until she wasn't fighting me anymore. She had scratched the side of my face with her long nails and my arms too. The salty tears made my face burn as I cried for the woman I once knew and this person who was both my Mama and a stranger.

"You know I can't live with you like this." I whispered trying not to sob.

"I know, I know." She kept repeating when she pulled away this time I let her, I didn't know what else to do. She looked at my face and seemed sincerely shocked. "Oh my god I'm sorry baby I'm so sorry." she kept saying over and over again she was shaking and beginning to cry again.

"Mama it's okay, I'm fine."

She kept on repeating that she was sorry until it began to sound like an eerie mantra. I was afraid and my fear must have shown on my face, she'd never lost it like this, never gone so deep right in front of me. She seemed to get herself under control when she focused on my eyes and saw how afraid that I was. She moved to hug me again and it took every ounce of will power I had for me not to step back when she advanced on me.

"Go on baby girl," she said stepping away from me. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Mama are you going to be alright?"

She laughed and the sound sent a chill through me, there had been no joy in the laugh just the hollow sound of reality. "I haven't been okay for years but I'll manage."

I left it at that although the comment did absolutely nothing to comfort me. I didn't want to leave her but I didn't want to stay either. I felt as though my leaving was some sort of betrayal and I paused to look back at her.

"Go." Was all she said.

When I got to the car Satin stared at me, her eyes told me just how bad I looked. "I'm fine." I said before she could ask.

Mama had scratched me up pretty badly but I was as I claimed fine. At least physically, the scratches would fade but the scars on my physce would not.

The day after Mama's return I went to Satin and asked her to take me to the psychiatrist she had mentioned so many months before, I was still afraid to discuss my feelings and very much bound by the notion that you simply did not air your dirty laundry in public, but I was more afraid of becoming the woman I'd lived with for all of my life and just seen clearly the day before.

True to her word Mama did call me the next evening and I assured her that yes I did love her and no I wasn't mad at her. I had been reassuring her my whole life even if I didn't always realize it. When I hung up the phone I cried again it was hard to realize the person you loved most in the world was crazy especially when you adored them so.

I continued to live with Satin and my father but I spent nearly every weekend with my mother, I wanted her to get help but she refused saying that she wasn't crazy. I never pushed her because I was afraid even one small shove might send her over the edge. The days that I spent with her were always laced with sorrow as I watched her slip further and further away, it was killing me to know I couldn't help her and that she wouldn't help herself.

Therapy was helping me but I still struggled with the burden of my mother's love and I suspected I always would. I decided to take a year off before going to college. At first Satin and my father were highly upset but I explained to them that with my emotional state being precarious at best starting school would strain me to an extent that I might not be able to handle. Thankfully they accepted that.

My eighteenth birthday found me waiting tables and contemplating my future. When I wasn't working I spent my time hanging out with friends although I found myself shying away from them in the evenings. I had partied heavily in my early teen years with people who were twice my age if not more and until I'd come to live with my father I'd had no rules to speak of aside from being required to maintain my grades.

Clubbing and using fake ID's to score alcohol wasn't something that interested me even a little. Most of my evenings were spent at home reading or watching television. When she was home I often visited with my mother for a few hours a day but she'd gone on another cross country trip a week or two before my birthday and I'd declined the offer to join her. She'd been angry but I had my own baggage to carry without hauling hers around too, so now my evenings were pretty much empty.

I could have dated but I didn't my emotions were plenty messed up without me seeking further turmoil, so I purposely kept my guard up at all times. I thought I was beyond crushes and I didn't realize I was falling for someone until it was to late.

I watched her move from across the room, she was humming to herself as she rearranged a vase of flowers that she had set on the table only moments before, her skin seemed to glow as she moved to a music all her own in a fluid unchoreographed dance. I felt a wave of desire wash over me and I damn near drowned in it. I tried to push it back to the periphery just like I always did but I didn't do it in time.

Because suddenly she was looking at my face I knew she saw my skin flushing and had caught the way my eyes wandered over her body. I dropped my eyes to the floor pretending to study the intricate pattern etched on the tiles. She called my name and I looked up automatically, she gave me a slow easy smile and winked at me before getting back to the business of arranging her flowers.

All she had done was wink at me and my panties were wet, I didn't even know how to react to her flirting, as usual Satin was just full of surprises.

Day after day she flirted with me teasing my with her eyes and her actions, she was constantly running her fingers over her bare legs and toying with the hem of her little sundresses that seemed to get shorter each day. My father was away on business so there was no chance that her little shows were for him. After two weeks she had driven me to distraction all I could think about was her, on one hand I was convinced that she was just playing games with me but sometimes I was just as sure of the lust I saw in her eyes when she looked at me.

I decided to indulge in a little bit of fun myself and began to walk around the house in short shorts and half shirts every now and then I would toss an almost indecent sundress into the mix. When my father came home we both resumed our normal style of dress but she was always licking her lips and bending over to retrieve things trying to attract my attention. Of course it worked like a charm. Not to be outdone I mirrored her actions and took to playing tennis everyday.

Nothing brought a smile to my lips like the look on her face when she saw me leaving the house in a tiny tennis skirt that barely covered my ass and a tight fitting top. When Daddy left we'd pick up right where we left off flirting and openly enticing one another.

At first it had all been a sort of game we played with each other but it began to be very real to me, perhaps more real than I would have liked to admit. She crept into my head when I was lying in my bed alone at night. Images of her smooth round curves crept into my mind, long before I drifted off to sleep, it would have been so much easier if she had invaded my dreams, but no it was my conscious mind that she disrupted.

I'd never really indulged fantasies before maybe I was too much of a realist to want to live within, the confines of my head or maybe I had never fully explored where my imagination could take me or just how much the mind could effect the body and it's reactions. I'd touched myself before and gotten off from the physical pleasure but she was the first person to provoke masturbation.

At first I had pushed the thoughts away not wanting to acknowledge them, up to now things between us had been innocent enough but I knew if I let her into my head it would only be a matter of time before she got under my skin. Still I couldn't fight myself, or run from my desire, and so eventually I indulged. I would always be the one who seduced her, and it was always hard, quick fucking. With her legs, spread thighs trembling and covered in sweat while I drove my fingers into her. Sometimes I would be tasting her. Sucking on her clit and licking her outer lips while she rode my fingertips and moaned.

I would always come faster when I thought of pressing my lips to her warm wet pussy. My own pussy would tighten around my fingers and I would moan as I rubbed my palm against my clit rocking my hips and pressing my cunt against my hand. I didn't know there was more to it so I couldn't imagine anymore than that.

Ironically the first time she touched me I wasn't even trying to seduce her. I'd worked the early morning shift at my job which meant I had worked from six in the morning until one in the afternoon. When I came home she wasn't even there, I took a shower to sash the scent of fried food from my skin and then put on a pair of simple pink bikini panties and large t-shirt that I'd "borrowed" from my father.

My intention was to read James Patterson book I'd purchased on the way home, I even lit my aroma therapy candles and put my Dinah Washington CD into my stereo. I was asleep before the first song played through. I awoke a short time later and decided to get something to eat then get back to my book. Without bothering with anymore clothes than I already had on I went downstairs.

To my surprise and dismay Satin was already home and she had company, Granted they were women, but I didn't know them and appearing in an over sized t-shirt that barely brushed my thighs was not how I wanted to meet them. Satin ever the hostess introduced us and I blushed, luckily they were just leaving so my discomfort was short lived. Thank god I hadn't walked down here naked.