All Comments on 'Savages Ch. 01'

I think my first chapter is a bit lacking, but I can't place my finger on it exactly.

I think Chapters 2 and 3 are much better and 4 is a bit iffy. Anyway, any feedback is welcome. Especially what you liked and what needs improvement :)

Your main character is a one-dimensional asshole, with asshole attitudes, a huge chip on his shoulder about how irresistible he is, and no redeeming facets; if a guy like this tried to charm me into bed he'd be walking away with his balls jammed down his throat and my coffee mug jammed up his ass; there really is no point to this story, did you just set out to write 'the history of a complete dick'? Because you did, and it bored the shit out of me. Plot, feller, get some plot going, show his epiphany, show his comeuppance, show his complete downfall, something, anything, not just a list of his pointless dickishness.

OK, here's some feedback for you. (Be careful what you wish for.) My feedback is that you have the makings of a good writer, but you need to put some effort into understanding how to punctuate properly. The main thing I see is many comma splices. A comma splice is when you connect two independent clauses with a comma. That’s a no no. They can be connected with a semi-colon, a conjunction or by making them two sentences.

The best solution is to simply make them two sentences or use a conjunction (usually “and” or “but”). Semi-colons should be used very rarely. Many good writers never use them at all. They’re best used with two short and closely related sentences. For example, “We fired at the same time. He missed; I didn’t.” You have used some semi-colons, I see, but not entirely correctly.

Also, do some research on dashes. They’re very handy for adding drama and impact to writing.

Here are several examples of comma splices in your story (and there are more).

“At least I don't think she did, I honestly couldn't tell you if she did.”

“But she is used to it, she'll blame her abusive boyfriend if anyone asks.”

“My name is Veer Jagesar, I'm 28 and I am the Head of Trading at CCIP.”

“I ended up flinging her onto the bed, I pinned her down and with one hand I pulled out my cock.”

“And it was not just her either, plenty of the other contestants were also easy on the eye.”

Also, in four cases, you have put a comma after a conjunction. This a really basic error that anyone who wants to be taken seriously as a writer should not be making. In the following four examples, “but,” should be “, but”. (For example, “… by mine but, her…” should be “… by mine, but her…”.)

“I think I owe you more explanations but, it would take too long to start from the beginning.” (Also, “explanations” should be singular.)

“She didn't look down, her face was occupied by mine but, her hands gently stroked my erect member.”

“I opened a webcam session with a busty brunette. Not my regular camgirl but, this girl ought to work too I figured.” (A dashes would improve this sentence. “I opened a webcam session with a busty brunette--not my regular camgirl--but this girl ought to work, I figured.” (I rewrote the last part.)

“I answered her truthfully, that I was swamped with work but, that I could make some time for her.” A dash would help here too. “I answered her truthfully--I was swamped with work, but I could make some time for her.” (No need for "that".}

This sentence doesn’t make sense.

“She took my belt off and holding me by my pants lead me to my desk where she cleared some space to sit.” It should be ““She took my belt off and, holding me by my pants, led me to my desk where she cleared some space to sit.” (Notice that “led” is the past tense of “lead”.)

And you’ve got some pretty awful grammar in this sentence.

“I mentioned that me and the wife had some issues this morning without getting into too much detail.”

“…me and the wife”? Was that deliberate? If you’re putting words in the mouth of a character who does not know proper grammar, that’s OK. If you’ve written it this way because you don’t know proper grammar, that’s not OK.

And in the following sentence, change “send” to “sent”.

“…up some emails to be send at 9:36 PM and 10:14 PM…”

I hope that helps. Don't be discouraged--better to have a natural talent for writing, which you do, and need to brush up on your punctuation, than to know how to punctuate and have no talent for writing.

I do have some thoughts on this: First of all, your main character seems to be sociopath. If that was your aim, then well done.

He watches porn and jerks off in his office? He has no self-control of any kind and he's very unsympathetic. Why does he have so much "pent up frustration" a few hours after getting a blow job?

Your speaking to the readers: "I think I owe you more explanations but" It's been done by authors, but is difficult to do effectively.

He's instantly obsessed with some girl in the news, Miss Universe (that title requires capital letters)? Just reading about her gives him a hard on. He even asks other people about her. That just makes him seem more mentally defective and weird.

The sex has no excitement. You just describe what the participants do. For sex scenes to be erotic you need to engage the senses and tell us what it looks, feels, smells and tastes like. "Jackhammering" does nothing for me. This is where "showing and not telling" comes in.

You have some technical issues, nothing too serious, just poor punctuation and some awkward sentences: "

"Please, stay for a moment. Sit down, let's talk for a moment" I said "

No need to repeat "for a moment". You could have said "Please stay. Let's talk for a moment."

You do have a talent. More care and more detail re: sex scenes would make this a whole lot better.

...and no one else in the story is much better.

I would hate to spend as much as a brief elevator ride with any of these people, let alone spend any more time reading about them.

-Rei

"This is how we started, right? So now you know who I am."

That's the problem. He's a repugnant asshole. I'm not saying that it's impossible to care about or get invested in someone who seemingly has no empathy, compassion or human feelings. Watch "Dexter" and you'll see that in the hands of a skillful writer, we can indeed be manipulated into caring about even a "creep motherfucker" who on the surface has no redeeming qualities. You need to give us something to make us at least interested in what happens to him.

"I was swamped with work but, that I could make some time for her"

And please, learn about punctuation and stop putting commas after every "but" when commas normally come before. You also use commas where a period is needed.

A good setup of a grotesque person. Can't rate this part until I see how it fits with the whole. So far fairly well written. But then how much sophistication or wit does it take to invent and describe a sexual predator? An interesting if disgusting beginning.

This story is like the old "Seinfield" TV program. It's a dumb story about nothing.