Sean's Next Season Ch. 05

Dear Reader,

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination.

This story is part of the ongoing adventures and misadventures of Sean. Every story I have submitted to this point leads to this moment. I invite you to take some time and catch up if you are able

Constructive criticism, and feedback is truly appreciated. I would like this to be an interactive journey as much as this medium allows. Please feel free to send suggestions, ideas for future characters etc. I welcome the input.

A thank you to the readers that have sent in suggestions for ongoing story arcs. Please feel free to send your thoughts

I am sorry that I have been forced to turn off comments. The same angry commenter over and over making the same tired comment isn't worth my energy

If you don't like the series give it a 1 star and don't read.

Keep Soaring,

Pelican

(¬‿¬)

Sean went downstairs ashamed at the broken mess that he had caused. He looked at Jase and Seth and tears filled his eyes, "I'm sorry guys. I don't know what came over me." Courtney was at the top of the stairs.

What she, Trooper Lopez and Kayce witnessed made them all get emotional as Jase walked over to his teammate. Every bit as big as Sean's 6'3", with longer blonde hair that he had grown into a mullet. Jase didn't say a word as he wrapped Sean in a bear hug as he broke down crying. Seth, who was 2 inches taller than both Sean and Jase and probably 20 pounds heavier than either of them, literally jumped over the couch when he heard Sean start to cry.

Seth, the quarterback pulled back, "Teammates, brothers - you don't go through this shit alone. What we go through, we go through together. Tell us what you need and we will fucking make it happen."

Jase reached up and messed Sean's hair like he was a kid brother, "We got you, the way you'd have our backs. Shit happens. At least you didn't bust up the TV or the Playstation."

Looking at the television almost made Sean throw up, all he could picture when he saw the blank screen was his dad laying in a pool of blood. He tried to use humor to deflect his raging anxiety, "Couldn't do that to you two, hell one of you is majoring in FIFA and the other in Madden,"

Chelsea Lopez, sensing Sean's discomfort. "I've missed my dinner break, if I go grab a couple of pizzas and bring them here can I grab chow with you all?"

Seth and Jase were all about pizza. Chelsea was heading to the parking lot when Hannah was pulling in. She walked in the door and instantly became the 'mom' of the group. Making sure the guys got things tipped back over and cleaned up. At one point she looked at them, "Do you all ever run the vacuum or dust?"

Jase laughed, "Yeah, when our moms are coming to visit."

Courtney had taken a seat at the top of the stairs and watched the interaction. She saw that as hard as he was trying that Sean was masking. His heart hurt, his spirit ached, his mind was racing - she could see the thousand mile gaze in his eyes. She wasn't sure where the relationship was after the past few weeks, but she knew she wasn't going home tonight - she didn't care if he made her sleep on the floor, she was staying where she belonged.

Chelsea Lopez came back with pizza and the crew enjoyed pizza. She watched Sean closely and she saw the same things that Courtney had seen. She had seen it in the mirror and in other troopers, medics, and firefighters. Sean was deep into trauma response.

Sean barely ate, but made sure she took leftovers for her daughter. Sean walked her to the door where she looked up at him, "Go see the therapist, Sean. Soon. I've called her. Looking at your eyes around your friends, I didn't want to wait until tomorrow. She's expecting you to call and if you don't I'll be back."

Sean smiled a fake smile, "I have class in the morning."

Chelsea nodded, "At 9:00. Her office opens at 8. Call on your way. I can bat my eyelashes and say, 'please, Sir.' or I can furrow my brow and say, "Do it or I'll handcuff your ass and haul you to her myself."

Sean nodded, closed the door and headed back inside where Hannahwas finishing helping clean up and before she headed home. Eventually Kayce left, leaving Courtney behind. Seth and Jase kept an eye on Sean until he headed upstairs where Courtney followed.

Things were awkward until she finally said, "Look, I'm not leaving you. You can let me sleep with you or I can sleep on the floor, you are not going to be by yourself for a while."

Sean protested, "Cort, I'm fine."

Courtney shook her head, "Did you know that because of your dad you are 50% more likely to follow in his steps? Did you know that lifelong trauma response is a path you are on because of that one event? Were you aware that most folks like your dad did not want to end their life but just end their pain? Did you know because of the stigma that most families grieve alone - that one I'm sure you know. Did you also know that because you became the 'man of the house' at such a young age that your own growth and healing was stunted because of the role you saw yourself in with your mother? You are not fine Sean McKenna and I'm too damn stubborn to let you fight your damn monsters alone."

Sean got ready for bed and Courtney was thankful she had left a toothbrush at the apartment, even when she took her things back home. The two of them always slept with one another naked, tonight though Sean was in sweat pants and Courtney in a t-shirt. By morning the two had returned to a familiar sleeping position with Courtney's head on Sean's arm and her leg draped over his. Sean's alarm went off at 7:00, he got up, showered and brushed his teeth and headed downstairs to go get breakfast at the athletic facility before class.

As he was heading across the parking lot he heard his name and turned around to find Courtney jogging up behind him in running shoes, black tights, a t-shirt with her hair pulled back with a maroon headband. "When I said you aren't going to be alone for a while, I fucking meant it Sean."

Sean shook his head, "Are you going to walk me from breakfast to class like my mom taking me to kindergarten?"

Courtney nodded, "Yeah, for a few days that's exactly what I'm going to do unless Kayce, mom, Mika, Anne, Trooper Lopez, or the volleyball team decides to take a shift."

Sean walked in silence, "So, what's going on with you and Tyler?"

She looked up at him, "Nothing, I needed a friend and he wanted a girlfriend. He actually tried to order me not to come to you last night. I think I emasculated him a bit actually."

Sean had his first little smirk in a long while, "You are on a roll Cort, cutting his dick off last night and walking me to class like I'm 5 today."

Cortney reached up and slapped Sean on the back of the head, "Fuck you - if I cared about his dick I wouldn't be here. If I didn't care about your cock even when you are acting like a dick I wouldn't be here."

The new technology was finally active on the athletic facility and Sean and Courtney had to show their face to the facial recognition tablet to gain entry. The technology allowed entry to the building, recorded who was in the building, and also took body temperature readings all in one. Sean and Courtney both stepped on the digital scales and registered with their thumb print. Daily weigh-ins were now in effect as the calendar moved from "Open Workout" to "Team Workout" time.

Sean and Courtney ate breakfast then Sean headed to class, escorted by Courtney. Halfway to class Courtney's phone buzzed, "It's 8 o'clock. You need to call that therapist."

Sean reached into a pocket, "Damn, I forgot the card with the number, I'll call after class."

Courtney opened her phone case and pulled out Chelsea Lopez's business card. "You mean this card with the number of Julie DuPage on the back? The card you left on the sink in the bathroom last night and conveniently knocked into the trash can this morning? What would you do without me Mr. McKenna?"

Sean looked at Courtney, "Cort, I can't. I'm a kicker, 90% of what I do is mental - pushing down the panic, the fear, the pressure of kicking in front of 60,000 people. If the coaching staff thinks I can't handle my shit I'll lose my position."

Courtney looked at Sean, "Bullshit. Good God, Michael Jordan talks endlessly about sports psychologists, about Phil Jackson's Zen Buddhist philosophy. The NFL Hall of Fame has created a mental health program for NFL players. Plus, this is all confidential. This therapist can NOT share your stuff with anyone, Sean. I googled her when you went downstairs with the guys yesterday. Her office is not here in town, nobody is going to know unless you tell them and even if they know, I'd rather you be alive with me than a dead fucking hero."

Sean couldn't argue but was almost paralyzed. Courtney took his phone and looked at him, "Unlock it." Sean drew the pattern on his phone and she dialed the numbers Trooper Lopez had written down. It rang and when it was answered Courtney spoke, "Please hold the line for his eminence, Sean McKenna."

Sean spoke with the administrator and set up an appointment for that evening, Julie had a cancellation. He was told that stuff would be emailed to him that he could fill out before his appointment. Sean wanted to be sure that the documents were confidential and agreed to the 7:00 appointment."

The rest of the day moved much too fast for Sean as he was dreading his evening appointment. He needed to leave by 6 to make it to the appointment by 645. Courtney rode with him to the appointment. On the way he called his grandfather and told him what was going on. As always his grandfather listened, assured Sean of his and Martha's love for him and before hanging up said, "Bub, Three things. First, I know you are probably freaking out about going to a therapist. Don't be, trying to hold shit together after your dad's incident, I went. I felt horrible guilt for not having him get help earlier, plus I saw your hurt and your mother was unconsolable. I didn't know what else to do so I went for about a year. Second, I know you have medical coverage through the school, don't use it. Use the insurance card grandma has for you on the farm's policy. I know it was only to be for emergencies, but this way nobody at the team knows anything unless you tell them. Third, Remember - we grow our roots in the darkness of our souls so that we can bloom when the spotlight is the brightest. I am so damn proud of you."

When they hung up Courtney reached out and held his hand, "So, did you hear two women talking in the background? I could make out your grandmother but the other voice did not sound like your mother."

Sean looked at her, "It wasn't - it was Diana Douglas."

Courtney was confused, "Isn't she the wife of that asshole neighbor who wants everyone to sell to some co-op that he can manage?"

Sean made a note to ask his grandfather about it. "One and the same, one and the same."

Courtney offered to stay in the truck but Sean wasn't going to allow her to sit outside alone in the truck so the two of them walked in together. Sean let the person at the front desk know he was here. She gathered some information and invited Sean and Courtney into an unused office. She smiled, "Trooper Lopez asked us to not make you conspicuous to anyone coming and going. We usually have an open office during the evening that you can wait in so people coming and going won't say anything. Would you like water or coffee?"

Sean shook his head and said, "No, thank you, I'm good."

Courtney smiled, "He's shaking, coffee isn't a good idea, but I know him well enough to know when he starts talking to the therapist he's going to get dry mouth - so water for the appointment would be helpful."

When the door closed Courtney looked at him and smiled, "Don't I get a thank you, mommy?"

Sean actually smiled as he flipped her off, "How about fuck you, mother?"

A couple of minutes later the door opened and a tall woman with long graying hair walked in, followed by a large Irish Wolfhound "You must be Sean. Trooper Lopez has said you are a pretty amazing young man. I'm Julie, this is Aiden, he's a trained therapy dog and my better half. Let's head back to my office." She smiled at Courtney, "Make yourself at home, if you need anything you can let Tia know."

Courtney lit up, "Can I say hi to Aiden?"

Julie smiled as she looked at the large dog, "Go say hi, Aiden." The big dog trotted over as Courtney moved to sit on the floor and gave love to the large dog whose tail was wagging with joy."

After a couple of minutes Julie looked at the majestic creature, "Come on, Aiden, time to go to work." Julie DuPage led Sean to her office. On the way past Tia handed Sean a bottle of water. Julie's office was warm and welcoming, a small sofa, a rocking chair, an office chair and a large bed for Aiden filled the space. She offered him his choice of seats, he took the rocking chair as she sat in her office chair.

She sat for a minute, letting Sean get comfortable. Aiden walked over and put his head on Sean's lap immediately. Sean reached down and absently rubbed Aiden's neck and ears as tears began to form at the corner of his eyes.

Softly Julie said, "Aiden knows. Do you know I've been waiting for a while for you to call? Dr. Matsuda asked me a couple of months ago to keep an eye out for you. So, what's going on?"

It took Sean most of the appointment to bring the therapist up to date. She was quiet through most of Sean's monologue, only asking clarification or affirming as was needed. When he reached a place of transition near the end of the appointment Julie smiled, "I think we can stop there for tonight. There are a couple of things I want to say, "First - you are an amazing young man. There was a lot placed on your shoulders at a very young age, a lot of being misunderstood in the most awkward years of high school, not to mention the pressure of doing what you do now. Second - What you are experiencing is normal. I know that it's popular to portray folks that suffer from stress injuries as deranged psychopaths - but that's just not true. I'm going to give you some things to read about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but the first thing I want to tell you is that no matter what you have heard or the label, PTSD is not a traditional disorder, it's been proven that traumatic stress actually injures the way the brain chemistry functions."

Sean sighed, "So, even though you say I'm normal, I really am crazy."

Julie smiled, "You are not crazy, you have been through a lot and 99% of the time you are absolutely fine., Let me try to put it into computer language. There are times when your network is maxed out and things are happening all at once, that one piece of code in one of your network hubs throws a wrong signal."

Sean nodded, "The entire network goes down."

Julie nodded, then paused watching his eyes, then continued, "Or like in football. When I watch a game an extra point looks like the simplest thing in the world. However, I'm guessing that for you there are a million things in the process. The center needs to snap the ball well, on the right count, the holder needs to get the ball down and the laces turned, your steps need to be right. My guess is depending on where the rush is coming from the blocking changes on the line and even where you want to strike the ball changes depending on wind, if the field is wet, where the rush is coming from. Am I wrong?"

Julie paused, then asked, "What happens if one of those things fails?"

Sean hesitated, "It depends on what fails."

Julie encouraged him, "Go on."

Sean furrowed his brow, "Well depending on what fails it could mean the kick is blocked, or the snap is fumbled, but if too many things break down then the kick is no good. My job though is to put the ball through the uprights no matter what else happens. Nobody ever remembers the bad snap, or the lousy hold, or the collapse of one side of the line - all anyone remembers is that I missed the kick."

"There it is, Sean," Julie said, "When everything else goes chaotic, you are still supposed to make the kick - no matter where the breakdown happens. That's the pressure that you have carried since you were a child. The trauma of your dad, the trauma of growing up with that kind of secret and the stigma. You can't miss the kick, no matter what. You can't let your mom down, no matter what. You can't be your dad, no matter what. You can't fail, no matter what. You can't let your teammates down, no matter what. All of that pressure, some from outside some from inside at times causes that one piece of the network to throw a bad code and the network goes down." She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, "When a network goes down, can you find the error?" Sean nodded, "When a kick gets blocked when you watch film can you identify what went wrong and with practice fix it?" Again he nodded. Julie smiled, "We can work through that trauma too, just like that. We can troubleshoot, we can unpack the unresolved trauma and deal with it. I recommend trying EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a way of processing, ordering, and filing the trauma away in a more orderly fashion. A couple of my clients say it's voodoo, but it works."

As the appointment ended Julie scheduled Sean for the same time the next week. When Sean walked out he found Courtney talking to Tia, the assistant. He paused, "You ready?"

On the way out the door Courtney rubbed his back, "How are you?"

Sean looked at her, "Can you drive home? I'm exhausted." That told her all that she needed to know. Sean was numb, head to toe numb. Sean wasn't even paying attention to where Courtney was driving and found himself a bit surprised when they arrived at Kayce's instead of his apartment.

Sean looked at Courtney confused, "Just come with me, everything is fine." They walked to the door, Kayce opened before they even knocked. The lights in the living room were dim and the drapes were pulled. One of the massage tables from the athletic department was set up in the middle of the room. Kayce directed Sean to a stool to sit on. Kayce was a bit put off watching Sean's walk. He always walked with purpose, tonight it looked to her as if he was truly just going through the motions - which he was.

He sat on the stool, his normally proud posture was missing, instead his shoulders slumped. Kayce began to lift his sweatshirt over his head as Courtney knelt and removed his shoes. When those were removed Kayce patted his butt as a sign for him to stand up, as he did Courtney slipped his gray sweatpants over his muscular thighs to the floor. On a normal evening Sean's cock would be pointing at the sky demanding attention, on this night however it hung flaccid.

"On your back first," Kayce directed. Sean did as instructed. Kayce took warm oil in her hands after giving some to Courtney. Kayce on his left and Courtney on his right, they began to massage Sean. They started at his feet and worked together up his ankles, Kayce noticing that there was still swelling in his left ankle from the injury last season, she didn't notice any protruding injuries,however there was still some swelling. She made a note to record that in his chart in the morning. Together Kayce and Courtney moved up his legs to his thighs, massaging his powerful quadriceps, opening his legs a bit to massage his adductor, finally moving to the outside of the hip to the abductor muscles.

Both women then moved to his arms, sharing a quick glance of surprise that Sean's cock had still not responded. As they lifted his arms to massage his hands Courtney noticed a familiar breathing pattern, Sean had fallen sound asleep. The girls continued the massage, focusing on his hands and arms before finally massaging his pecs and the area around his clavicle. When they were finished Courtney whispered for him to roll over, she was met with a sleepy, "No, I'm good."