Secret Prayer Ch. 03

Jarek finished his set and left the stage, grabbing a towel from the staff member waiting to gather the loose bills from the stage floor. He had one more trip to the stage before he was done for the night and it was hard for him to keep his head in the game. He had had several requests for private dances tonight and he had only managed to make it through them by imagining he was dancing for Gage.

He had heard of dancers getting stuck on customers before and quitting the job, and he could probably afford to finish up his last four semesters for his degree with what he had saved up, but then came the residency. He shook his head to clear it and finished toweling off backstage.

Two weeks after the hospitalization, Gage got his stitches out and was cleared to start getting into his physical therapy, so a few times a week, they would head over to meet with Jarek to work on the exercises he wanted to run Gage through. Jarek would plan it out each day as to how they would start, usually with some type of warmup like walking or the bike, and then moving onto exercises based on how the knee was feeling.

It was less swollen than it was before, and the wound looked far better. It was clear it was going to scar but Gage mentioned that he had so many scars from dirt biking and hockey that one more wasn't a big deal.

They spent most of the time they were working together, and some time afterward, talking about anything and everything. Gage kept to his promise to talk about the LDS religion, but he was very candid with it and with his own experiences in the church. He had some funny church stories that he was happy to tell, like how his dad had knocked his older sister's head against the side of the baptism pool in front of all of their family and the ward when she was baptized at eight, and when his younger sister tried to eat all of the sacrament bread one time.

Gage preferred it though when Jarek did the talking. Gage liked learning about him and his life, even the difficult parts. The more time they spent together, the more Gage couldn't deny to himself that he was falling for Jarek. They hadn't been romantic with each other, and hadn't kissed or anything. The only time they really touched were comforting gestures or ones to show him the correct stance or posture for the exercises, but every single touch felt electric and exciting and Gage was always on edge waiting for the next time Jarek would get to touch him. He wanted Jarek to touch him more and more.

While he was working on rehabbing his knee after the injury, on Mondays, which happened to be their preparation day for their mission, Gage would call home. The phone calls were becoming more tense though. He could tell that something was going on at home, but no one would really tell him what it was.

"You need to be focused on your mission, dear," his mother would tell him sweetly.

"Your mission is your first priority," his dad reminded him.

"Craig's just being a big baby," Kayla, his older sister, said at one point.

"What do you mean, a baby?" he asked, looking over at where Tate was, who raised an eyebrow at him.

"It's nothing," Craig yelled before he hung up the phone on Gage.

"That doesn't sound good," Tate said while Gage sat there staring at his phone.

"I'll have to call Addison once she's home from school," Gage replied, chewing on his bottom lip anxiously.

When he did eventually get his younger sister on the phone, Addison explained that Craig had snuck away to be with his boyfriend and their dad followed him there. There was a huge fight and it had turned physical. When Craig was dragged back home, his keys were taken away, as was his phone, and he had mostly barricaded himself up in his room for days.

"Dad and Craig get into screaming fights every night," Addison told him. "Dad keeps trying to bring him back right with god, and you know how well Craig takes that. So they scream at each other for a few hours, and then Craig locks the door and won't answer anymore. I don't know how to help him."

"I can try to talk to him," Gage replied. "Do you think maybe Craig needs to just...leave?"

"Maybe," Addison allowed, though she said it hesitantly. "I don't think he'd leave without his car though."

"Thanks, Addi," Gage replied before they hung up the phone. He didn't have any more time for phone calls, so he decided he would call on Sunday to talk to Craig.

They saw Jarek after walking around through the day on Tuesday, after his classes but before his night job. Gage's brother was still on his mind, so he didn't greet Jarek with his normal enthusiasm. Jarek waved but wasn't sure whether or not to intrude on Gage's thoughts when he didn't really respond. He looked to Tate for a hint as to what to do.

"Major family drama," Tate whispered to Jarek before he nudged Gage by pushing on his shoulder.

That seemed to break Gage out of his thoughts. "Sorry. My brother is dealing with some stuff and I've been thinking of what I want to say to him when I call him later this week."

Jarek nodded. "I know you're not encouraged to do such things, but if you need to contact your brother during our visits..."

Gage smiled at Jarek warmly. "I really appreciate that, and I might take you up on it once I figure out what might best help him. You know, you're pretty good at this physical therapy thing. My knee already feels a lot stronger."

Jarek smiled at the compliment, deciding that he would order dinner in for their next therapy session. "What do you like to eat, Gage?"

"I tend to be a meat and potatoes kind of guy," Gage replied. "But I like things like Indian and Chinese food too."

Jarek smiled and nodded, making a mental note. Tate went outside to smoke and read a book while Jarek started Gage on his warm ups. Gage put aside the upheaval he knew was happening back at home to focus on Jarek and the exercises. It was easy to forget about everything but Jarek when they spent time together, and soon Gage seemed like himself again as they worked on strengthening his knee and talking to each other.

By the end, the hardest thing for Gage was not being able to just kiss Jarek. Despite them both admitting they liked each other at the hospital, their relationship hadn't progressed much past the occasional flirty statement, and lingering touches sometimes. It was clear they were both attracted to each other, and wanted to explore that, but both were trying to figure out how to do that under their current circumstances.

Gage waited to call his brother until Jarek was ordering food on that Thursday. He didn't have work after classes so they could sit and eat together. Gage let Tate and Jarek look through the options and order the food while he called Craig.

"Gage?" Craig answered the phone. "Aren't you supposed to not call on your work days?"

"Usually, yeah, but I'm worried about you," Gage commented, which earned a sigh from his brother. "Is the family there?"

Gage could hear his brother move and lift up the blinds in his room. "No, Danielle is having her birthday party today, so they all went over to Uncle Henry's house. Dad took my car so I can't go anywhere, and he has cameras set up around all of the exits to the house now so he'll know if I try to leave."

Gage almost didn't know what to say for a moment. "That's insane. Like, out of his mind, controlling."

"I know," Craig sighed. "I don't have a way to make them listen though. They're so set on the fact that I'm walking down an ungodly path if I stay with Rick."

"You know you aren't alone, right?" Gage asked his brother.

"How am I not?" Craig demanded.

"Because I'm gay, and I'm positive I'm falling in love with a man I met out here," Gage answered, looking over at where Jarek was telling Tate how long it would take the food to get there. They couldn't hear what Gage was saying right then, as he was closer to the kitchen now, but he and Jarek locked eyes for a moment and Jarek had the feeling Gage was talking about him.

Jarek smiled a genuine smile at Gage and winked playfully but it was too close to reading his thoughts for Gage, who blushed in response. Jarek turned back to his conversation with Tate before their eye contact reached the awkward stage.

"How did you manage to do that while busy with your mission?" Craig asked after a moment of silence while he digested that information.

"I got injured, and he's helping me with physical therapy while we talk," Gage responded casually.

"Injured how?" Craig cried, and Gage told him the whole story of the bike accident and the hospital visit. Craig didn't seem particularly surprised that the Mission President hadn't taken the injury that seriously, but he kept those thoughts to himself. "Well, I'm glad you're okay and getting help with the knee. You can't tell mom and dad about this guy though. Or Kayla."

"I know," Gage replied. "I just wanted you to know. You aren't doing all of this alone."

"I would never wish this on you, though, Gage," Craig lamented. "And you don't even have the chance of falling for a woman if you're gay. They would be so much worse on you than they are me, and this already feels like torture."

"How can I help you?" Gage asked him, pacing the room so he was closer to Tate and Jarek.

"From where you are? I have no idea," Craig admitted. "If I think of anything, I'll text you. Hey, dad just pulled up to the house. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay," Gage said, fear evident in his voice, which caught the attention of Tate and Jarek. "I love you, Craig."

"I love you too," Craig replied and then the phone beeped that the call was over.

Jarek looked concerned. "Is he okay? Are you going to be okay?"

Gage shook his head, his expression that of someone who was really lost right then. He kept staring down at his phone, the screen black now from inactivity. "I don't know, to be honest, on either count. He said dad was home again, but I can't imagine them being at the house together is a good idea right now. I don't have a way to help him though."

Jarek touched his shoulder comfortingly. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked.

Gage turned his eyes over to Jarek, taking in the genuine concern on his face as he watched Gage. He put his hand over Jarek's and gave him as warm of a smile as he could. "Honestly, you being here is helping a lot. You help make me feel like I'm not alone right now."

"Well, don't tell Tate, he might get jealous," Jarek said with a wink.

"We wouldn't want that," Gage replied with a light smile.

"Yeah, Gage wants you all to himself," Tate joked.

"Oh really?" Jarek said, arching his eyebrow. He couldn't help but wonder if his recent dry spell was because he had a newfound distaste for hookups and shallow sex. Most of all he wondered if it was all tied to his burgeoning feelings for this lost Mormon boy. Gage blushed in response to Jarek's attention on him, but he didn't dispute what Tate had said.

Jarek looked away, a slight blush coloring his cheeks. "It's not like it's entirely one-sided," Jarek mumbled.

Gage heard what he mumbled and looked over at Jarek with only a small amount of surprise. He couldn't help but smile to himself at that. It gave him some hope, that he still hadn't decided what he was going to do with it. He had been sitting with his feelings for a bit, trying to decide whether he wanted to finish his mission, and even if he did or didn't, whether he would find a way to stay here to be with Jarek and start his life finally.

The three of them had a wonderful dinner once it was delivered, with Jarek and Gage sitting closer together at the table than was necessary. Tate smiled at them but didn't say anything. This was one companion he actually wanted to see end up happy after he was away from their mission.

Gage was still considering all of his options a few weeks later when he got a text from his brother. It simply said, "Don't make any decisions or changes until you get my letter."

Gage stared at the phone for a moment, trying to figure out why this was making his stomach sink. Then he replied, "Alright, I promise I won't. Is everything okay? You're worrying me."

"No, it's not okay, but it will be. I promise. I love you, okay?" Craig sent back.

"Do you wanna talk? I can take some time for a phone call right now," Gage said, but the text went unanswered.

It was only a few days later that Gage was asked to come in and see the Mission President alone. Tate waited back at the apartment while Gage went to see him. He came into Mr. Hartman's office where the man was standing with a grim look on his face. He motioned for Gage to sit down in the chair across from him, and once they were both seated, Mr. Hartman started to rip apart Gage's entire life.

"I got a call from your father," Mr. Hartman said, putting his elbows on the table and steepling his fingers in front of him. "Your brother's body was found in the forest behind your house. It looks like he took one of your father's guns and shot himself. Your parents are planning a closed casket ceremony for your brother, and we can send you home for that. We could also just send you home early. Your parents felt, though, that you should stay and finish your mission. They said it's what your brother would have wanted you to do."

Gage let out a breathy laugh at that, mostly in shock. He could picture his parents doing that, but he didn't think Craig would have told him to do so. He was about to tell Mr. Hartman to send him home, but then Craig's last texts came to mind and he wondered if this was why Craig had told him that. His mind flashed with Jarek's face too, so he paused and considered that before nodding slowly.

"I think my parents are right," Gage said quietly. "My mission is important. I'll pay my respects to my brother later."

Mr. Hartman gave a nod. "Very good. I'll let you get back to your companion then. If you need to call or text your family, go ahead and take some time to."

Gage came back to the apartment and sat down on the bed. Tate looked up at Gage's face and furrowed his eyebrows. "What did Hartman want?"

"My brother killed himself," Gage replied.

"Holy shit, are you serious?" Tate exclaimed. It was the first time Gage had ever heard him swear.

"Yeah, because this is such a fun thing to joke about and seems right up my alley," Gage replied, the sarcasm thick in his voice.

"Whoa, one I didn't mean it that way, and two I didn't even know you could be sarcastic!" Tate cried. "Wait, they had the Mission President tell you and not your family? What the hell?"

Gage shook his head and shrugged. "I guess they're too busy dealing with everything. I don't know."

"Are you okay?" Tate asked him, and Gage shook his head. Tate moved over to Gage's bed and pulled him into a hug, where Gage broke down sobbing. He couldn't deal with the idea that he would never see or talk to his older brother ever again.

The next few times Jarek saw them, Gage was aware and present, but it was clear something was very wrong. Gage was pale and out of it, making mistakes, and he turned down any offers for food or drink. Tate gave Jarek a worried shake of his head when Jarek looked to him for help.

Gage was like a ghost for two weeks, just going through the motions and losing weight while trying to keep up with his duties, before he received the letter from Craig. Gage had been expecting it to come in the mail, which was silly because the Mission President would have been sure to read it before he gave it to Gage, and Craig would have known that.

Instead, Gage ended up face to face with Rick, Craig's boyfriend, who looked just as out of it and upset as Gage did. He waited until Tate and Gage had taken a break in the middle of the day in a shaded part of a park to approach them and introduce himself. He apologized for it taking so long, but he had wanted to go to Craig's funeral and he'd been having a hard time dealing with his suicide.

Gage and Rick ended up talking for a long time about Craig and what happened. At the end of the talk, Rick handed Gage an envelope and hugged him before saying he hoped he heard from him going forward. They exchanged numbers and then Rick went back to his hotel while Gage and Tate went back to their apartment.

The two of them sat down and ate dinner first, and then Gage sat down and tore into the letter while Tate went to go get a shower to get ready for bed.

"Dear Gage,

I know this letter won't find you well, and I'm sorry for that, but I can't do this anymore. I can't face a life without any of my family in it, and most importantly, I can't face a life without Rick. Our parents have put me at an impasse where no matter what direction I go in, it's the wrong one.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said about that guy out there you're falling for. I'm hoping this reaches you before you go home. If you really love this man, then don't question it, and don't give our family a chance to stop you. Once you're back home, they'll do whatever they can to stop you from doing anything other than going to BYU and getting a good job.

Do better than I did. You have an opportunity to get away from them now and live how you want. Take it.

I love you, and I'm sorry,

Craig."

Gage sat on the bed for a little bit, thinking over what he had read, and rereading it a few times. Finally, he took off his name tag and dropped it on the bed. He took off his tie and unbuttoned his white dress shirt before he got up and grabbed his empty suitcase. He filled it up with his pajamas and workout clothes, the only non-uniformed outfits he had. Tate came into the room while he was packing and stopped in the doorway.

"Are you going home?" Tate asked him.

Gage shook his head and put the letter into the smaller pocket of his suitcase. "No. I'm abandoning the mission and staying here in Chicago. I'll look into resources once I'm gone, but I'll have my phone. I think I'd rather stay here, leave the church, and see what could be blossoming between me and Jarek, you know?"

"I'll miss having you as a companion," Tate told him. "All the other ones sucked."

Gage smiled at that. "If you ever run away and want to join my circus, you're welcome with me. The church isn't the ultimate decision on what a good person is. I'm proud to consider you my friend."

Tate hugged Gage tightly. "Nah, my brother. We're brothers now, okay?"

Gage told Tate where he could find him if he wanted to visit before he got a new companion, and then took off toward Jarek's house. It was getting later into the night. When he got there, the house looked dark other than the light shining on the porch. Gage paced along the porch for a moment when no one answered before he slipped around through the gate on the side. He hid his suitcase in the backyard under one of the lawn chairs and then headed in the direction of Jarek's night job.

Gage knew where he worked now, as it had come up before, though he had never actually gone there. He had made sure he had his phone and wallet with him. When he got there, he had to pay the cover charge and then have his hand stamped to show he wasn't allowed to buy any alcohol before he was let inside. It was partially dark inside and the lights were centered on the stage. Gage looked around, trying to figure out where Jarek could be right then. He wasn't sure he wanted to see him giving a lap dance, but he'd deal with it if he did.

Just then the DJ started talking up the next performer, "Everyone welcome the Horseman to the stage! He doesn't really need an introduction but I see a few new faces in the crowd tonight. Just a reminder of the rules..." she continued but her voice sort of faded into the background for Gage as he saw Jarek come out from backstage wearing leather chaps and a motorcycle vest and a skullcap helmet. His outfit was complete with square-toed boots and aviator sunglasses.