Secrets

Benjamin was standing in front of him a pack of condoms and a bottle of cheap wine from the section in the back corner that Jenny calls the 'Valentine's day can be any time' aisle. She said it mainly to be sarcastic because everything back there was cheap as hell and would be pretty terrible to take to a girl on a first date or just to hookup. But, the wine he'd picked out actually wasn't bad at all. he'd drank it a couple of times because he didn't want to spend a shit ton of money on wine. It was actually pretty good.

He took the stuff, rang it up and took Ben's ID, and scanned it in the computer. It beeped, verifying that he was old enough to purchase the alcohol. He handed Benjamin's ID back to him and bit his lip, waiting on him to pay while he put the wine and condoms in the bag. "Can I get forty dollars of gas on pump three?" He asked, turning around and looking at the pump he'd parked at.

"Actually no, you'll have to pick a different pump. Some jackass drove off with the damn hose still in their car and fucked that pump up." Noah explained, and Benjamin laughed. "I suggest four, it's far enough away you can probably keep from exploding if someone throws down a cigarette too close to the gas."

"You'd think they'd be careful, but I obviously didn't pay too much attention myself, so what can I really say," Ben said, rolling his eyes. "Four is fine," He said, and Noah nodded, putting the gas on pump four instead. He found himself taking the money from the man and sighing and breath of relief. Noah was happy the man was about to be out of the store and away from him. His mind needed a minute to calm down because it was working in overdrive.

"It's colder than all hell out there." He said, and Noah nodded at him, biting his lip behind his mask. It was a really good thing that Benjamin couldn't see the faces he was making under the mask because he would really be caught then. He felt a surge of momentary appreciation for the pandemic before it was washed away quickly.

"It's November, it's supposed to be pretty cold, I think anyway," Noah said, and he shrugged a bit.

"I prefer the warmer states, like California," Benjamin explained, and Noah nodded his head and had to agree--he hated the cold winters. It was horrible, and he really hated being cold. He was small, pretty petite for a guy and it was unsettling that he was going to shiver his way through every winter event that takes place outside. He had hated Christmas tree shopping every year since he was seven because of it.

"Christmas in California seems nice. A lot like heaven. I hate cold winters. I just stay too cold all the time, it's miserable." Noah explained, and Benjamin nodded.

"I just like the sun--it's not so much the weather or the coldness that bothers me, it's just the sun never being visible is depressing on a good day," Benjamin said.

"I guess, I never thought of it, really," Noah said, and Ben nodded.

"You grew up here, you're used to it. If you ever live somewhere where it's not normal you'll notice what I'm saying." He said and picked up his bag. "Good night, Noah. See ya at the house in the morning."

"Good night, Benjamin," Noah said. He smirked a little and looked over Noah before he walked out of the store and moved his car to the next pump. Noah breathed a sigh of relief and shrank back into the rolly chair that they kept there for dead shifts like this. He thought he was going to die in that short amount of time that Benjamin was in the store. He needed to get a grip, really, he was being ridiculous.

* - * - *

Noah was remiss, sitting behind the counter of his job somewhere between excited that Benjamin was about to come in, and angry that he couldn't even escape the man when he was at work anymore. For the past five nights straight he'd come in. Same time, to get just something random. After three nights he bought another pack of condoms, so tonight that'd probably be something on his list, again. Noah wasn't sure why Ben kept coming into the store, he didn't quite understand it.

Noah figured it was probably because it was on the way to whoever's house he's using the condoms at. He glared a little at the screen in front of him that read 2:55 AM, sealing his fate. He knew that the first shift person still had three hours before work, there was no possibility of someone turning up before Ben showed up. He sighed deeply and looked around the store helplessly. He knew he'd get into trouble when his boss got there in the morning if he hid in the bathroom. He really didn't want to get himself in trouble, so he had to do what he had to do. Noah just wanted to scream.

He felt like a trapped animal. There was nowhere he could hide, nowhere he could escape to. So he was forced to communicate with the man, he was forced to get closer to him and... in turn, it was making it even more difficult to deny that he was gaining feelings for the older man. It made him want to cry, really. He felt certain that there was no way the man would ever be interested in someone like him--and he felt like even if Benjamin was interested in him, his dad would be a pretty good reason not to proceed further.

It was like a movie, where he was destined to watch the person he was attracted to be unattainable. He was both embarrassed and upset. It was frustrating. The tell-tale jingle of the bell at the door alerted Noah that someone was coming in and he looked up in a hurry to see the man he'd been anticipating. He wasn't sure if it was good anticipation or bad anticipation, but it was something.

"Hey, Noah. How's work been?" Benjamin asked walking over to the cooler and grabbing out a bottle of water and a giant can of Pepsi.

"Good, I guess," Noah said and looked around the room again. He didn't know exactly what he was looking for, but he was looking for something. He just didn't want to look at the man shopping around. He knew he'd have to at the end, and that was enough to make him miserably hard for the rest of his night.

He contemplated taking a nap in his car after Benjamin left, but he didn't want to risk sleeping through a customer. He'd only ever done it one time, but he was paranoid for six months after that. It was so stressful to feel like every day you're going to get into trouble for something but you just don't know when it's gonna come. It's Noah's worst nightmare, and he'd never do that again if he could help it.

He could just go smoke in his car until someone else came in. For the most part, it was about every two hours, he could have a really nice buzz going before someone else came in and he could just spend his time after that cleaning up the store. It may give him a little assistance with his problem after he spends a few minutes with Benjamin.

Benjamin walked up to the counter and sat his stuff on the counter, looking over Noah. Noah blushed and was once again thankful for a pandemic causing him to have to wear a mask. He couldn't help but be glad it wasn't obvious that he was blushing because the man just looked at him. He felt the urge to smack himself, angry at how he acted around Benjamin. He was ruining his chances to appear like an adult to the man he wanted so desperately to pay attention to him. He started ringing up Benjamin's stuff, working on putting everything in a bag. "A pack of Marlboro menthol 100's." He asked, and Noah raised an eyebrow grabbed them off the shelf, and rung them up. Benjamin took out his license and handed it to him, Noah swiped it quickly and handed it back to him.

"Want to smoke one with me?" He asked curiously, and Noah bit his lip. On one hand, he had been waiting so long for him to leave, but he also wanted to spend time with the man. He sighed and nodded, figuring that it was going to be a few minutes before he left anyway. He wanted to smoke anyway, so he may as well.

Noah grabbed his vape off the charger and followed Benjamin outside to smoke a cigarette and maybe hit on his vape a couple of times. He wasn't able to really do anything else, anyway. He was so tired of being so stupid around the man, he was about ready to just lose all care and concern and just do whatever he wanted to.

Benjamin opened the pack of cigarettes and took two out and handed one to Noah. "I won't tell your dad." He teased as Noah took it. Noah had hesitated for a minute, but it wasn't because he was nervous about his dad finding out he smoked a cigarette, it was more the feeling he got being alone with him. He hadn't been alone without cameras on the two of them for days and it was nerve-wracking.

"I don't care if you do," Noah said, rolling his eyes. "It's not my dad's choice if I have an occasional cigarette." He said and shrugged a little. He was being honest, it wasn't his dad's business and he thinks that his dad would understand that.

"I don't guess it is, you're right." He said and glanced over at me. Noah nodded his head, he was a little bit nervous. He didn't really know what to say to the man. "So what are you doing tomorrow afternoon?" Benjamin asked.

"I'm sleeping, I have the night off so I'm going to sleep until late in the afternoon and go out to a bar with some friends," Noah said, and Ben nodded his head.

"I was going to ask if you'd consider coming to a business event with me, but if you've got other plans that's fine," Benjamin said, flicking the ash off of his cigarette.

"What kind of business event?" Noah asked curiously.

"It's just a Christmas event, where they are assigning bonuses and stuff to the higher-ups," Benjamin explained, and Noah nodded. "This is just the first year I'll be going there alone," Benjamin said and took a drag on the cigarette.

"Didn't you quit smoking?" Noah asked curiously.

"Mindy didn't like it, so I stopped," Benjamin explained. "It's a little less hard to deny the urge for a cigarette when I can't look at her and remember why I quit, to begin with." Noah nodded a bit and shrugged.

"I'm not judging you, I just remembered Dad saying you quit," Noah said, and shook his head. "It's completely understandable. What happened?" Noah ventured to ask.

"Mindy and I had... irreconcilable differences." He said and shrugged. "She cheated on me, and I emotionally let her go. Things just weren't the same after that." Noah nodded, thinking about his own girlfriend sleeping at her house. She didn't have a clue he was gay, he figured but it never really seemed to matter because he never planned on coming out. He figured he'd probably just settle for hookups at night when he was away on business, and keep her happy when he was home. He knew it was probably screwed up, but he just didn't think he'd ever feel comfortable being open about being gay, and she wasn't horrible he enjoyed her company enough that he could deal with being with her forever since he didn't want to be open about his sexuality. "What about your girlfriend?"

"She's just at her parents right now," Noah explained. "She went back for the holidays. She'll be back sometime after Christmas."

"You don't seem to mind too much," He noted, and Noah shrugged, looking around the empty parking lot.

"I don't mind. She enjoys her family time and I enjoy the freedom. If she was here I wouldn't be able to go out to the bar or anything, because she wants to hang out like every day." Noah said, and Benjamin nodded.

"It can be fun to spend every day with someone if you love them enough," Benjamin said, looking over at Noah. Noah nodded his head and shrugged a bit. He wasn't sure how to respond to that because he couldn't say that he agreed, or knew either way because he didn't understand. He had never felt that way about anyone before. He was unsure how to really go about saying anything to him at all. He felt a moment of guilt because he was kind of leading his girlfriend on in a similar way that Ben's wife had led him on. It was sad and embarrassing to Noah.

"I guess so, yeah," Noah responded. "Yeah, I'll go to the event with you." He said as he turned around and walked to the store.

"You will?" Benjamin asked, following Noah back towards the store. Benjamin grabbed his arm as he started to open the door and Noah smiled a little as Benjamin turned him around. He was right there, so close to Ben that he could hear his heartbeat pounding in his chest. He could smell the man's breath which smelled minty and a little like cigarette smoke. He usually would've made a face but he couldn't control anything at the moment. He was so close to the man, he couldn't imagine where he ended and Benjamin began.

"I will," Noah said, and Ben smiled a little, and nodded his head. Noah felt his knees weaken and he couldn't help but want more. It was so tempting to lean closer to the man. To seek comfort in his strength. But Noah couldn't exactly do that, so he held his breath for a minute and forced his pulse to slow down. "Goodnight, Ben." It was the first time he'd ever called the man Ben before, and he couldn't help but wonder if it felt the same for Benjamin as it did for Noah to say it.

It felt familiar, romantic in some way he didn't know how to explain. "Goodnight, Noah," Ben said and let him go, a soft smile tracing the corners of his mouth.

The two parted ways, Noah feeling anxious but excited about spending more time with Benjamin. Noah bit his lip and looked away from where the man was getting into his car. He felt nervous about spending time with his dad's best friend in public. Would people think it was weird? Would that be suspicious? Would it become obvious that he was gay if he did it? He didn't have a choice anymore though, he'd already agreed to go and he couldn't disappoint the man so he'd just have to suck it up.

* - * - *

The work event that Benjamin had invited Noah to, had come quicker than Noah had expected. He didn't have time to smoke before they left, so he'd have to just fake it till he made it instead of relying on the weed to keep him calm enough not to embarrass himself. He hoped that when he walked into the event, he had a fever or something so he could leave without hurting Benjamin's feelings. He just couldn't relax around the man, and it was becoming a real problem. The more time he spent around Benjamin the less anxious he got, though, so he guessed it would play out in the end.

Noah put on his best pants, shirt, and tie, with his nicest pair of shoes. He wasn't sure what kind of event it was, he hadn't found out too much about it the night before, so he wasn't sure but he imagined that if nothing else he'd look like a rich douchebag. He wasn't too worried about his own reputation, but he didn't want to embarrass Benjamin at work. He felt like Benjamin may have made a bad decision inviting him, he had no idea what to think about the reason behind him asking.

Benjamin showed up at the basement door around eight-thirty, and Noah had just finished getting dressed and putting his shoes on. He felt really confident, and it was unnatural. He wasn't sure exactly what to say to the man because he didn't want to be weird. "You look great. You have great taste." Benjamin complimented. Noah blushed a little bit and shrugged, a smile forcing its way onto his face.

"Thanks, you too!" Noah said, grabbing his wallet and keys. He slipped them in his back pocket and headed over towards the door. Benjamin opened the door for him and let him out first. The door shutting behind them made Noah jump for a moment.

"It'll be a few minutes, it takes a little while to get there. You can control the radio." Benjamin offered, pulling out a cigarette. "Sorry, do you mind?" He asked as he nodded, looking at him. Noah shrugged a bit.

"Nah, go ahead," Noah said, and Benjamin smiled a little. "So, I'm gonna vape," Noah said, and Ben shrugged.

"Fine by me," Ben said, and Noah pulled his pen out of his pocket and hit it quickly. "You have to let me hit that when we get there. I've heard they are good to help you quit smoking. I guess in my case, again." Ben said, a look of embarrassment crossing his face.

"I don't think you want to," Noah said, and Ben raised his eyebrow a little bit.

"Why?" Ben asked, and Noah bit his lip.

"Well, it's just... a lot... more of a head rush than you'd be used to." He said, hoping that the man would get the image that it wasn't a good idea, and would back off.

"Oh, it's not nicotine." He deadpanned, rolling his eyes. "Gotcha." Noah thought the man was laughing a little bit, but he couldn't tell because it was dark outside already and he didn't have anything to light up the car so that he could see the man and he wasn't making much noise so he wasn't going to get a clue that way.

"Yeah... I mean you can hit it if you want to, but I figure you should at least know what you are getting yourself into before you hit it." Noah said and Benjamin laughed a little bit and shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't mind. I have smoked weed a few times in the past." He laughed. "And by a few times I mean, I have smoked a lot of weed."

"Really? I kinda pictured you and my dad as those two kids who never did anything wrong." Noah said surprised, and Benjamin shrugged a bit.

"Your dad wasn't always such a stickler for the rules. I've never been a stickler for the rules myself." Benjamin teased.

"I'm not a stickler for the rules either," Noah smirked a little bit, blushing when he realized how suggestive that sounded coming out of his mouth. Perhaps it was just because he was in his own head and knew what he'd thought about at 7 AM this morning when he'd gotten off work and fantasized about Ben throwing him down on his bed after stripping him and having sex with the man until the two of them were both dripping with sweat and cum. He sure hoped that the older man couldn't read thoughts, because he'd never be able to show his face again if he could.

"That's good to know," Benjamin teased him further, making Noah blush and look out the window. The rest of the drive was littered with small talk about the weather, gas prices, and how big the moon was that night. The pair was ready to get out by the time they stood up out of the car and headed towards the entrance.

"I appreciate you coming," Benjamin said, offering Noah his arm. Noah hesitated for a moment, his mind racing. What did the offering of the arm mean? In all the older romance movies he'd seen that was a way that a man laid claim on the girl he was taking to a party or something. After a moment of hesitation, Noah took his offered arm and allowed himself to be led into Ben's work. He bit his lip and lowered his eyes away from everyone who was staring as they walked in. He was sure that it looked a little strange to the outsiders in the situation and they probably were just as confused by the mixed signals that the man was sending out as Noah was.

"It's no problem," Noah said finally, looking around the room hesitantly. It was almost like he expected his dad to be there, even though the two men worked at completely different places under different professions. He was uneasy in public sight with a man, but he felt almost right being around the man. He wasn't sure what was going on in his head. Benjamin handed him a drink--something in a wine glass that tasted delicious.

A couple of Benjamin's colleagues came over and started talking to him, so Noah grabbed another glass of wine and walked over to where he was alone. He watched Benjamin from a slight distance, staying where the man could find him if he really wanted to. Ben was holding his wine glass in his hand and taking sips all throughout whatever they were discussing.

Noah picked up another drink off the table as the man talked. He hadn't intended to drink tonight, he didn't figure this was the time or place to have his mind altered any but he had to have something to calm his nerves a little bit. He could handle the wine, he'd been drinking since he was around sixteen anyway, it wasn't that big of a deal to him. At least until he was pouring down his fifth glass of wine and leaning back against the wall, a buzz racing up and down his body.