Self Doubts

I looked at her, "So, he just caught your vibe and came up with the whole after-party thing without your input?"

"Yes! That's Ben. He reads people really well. I guess he thought you were interested in me and he wanted to give us a chance to connect.... Matt, please forgive me, I won't lie to you again."

I was befuddled. I just sort of stared at her for a moment. "Damn, Amy, you lied to me, and together with your pal, Ben manipulated me into coming here! How do I know that what you're telling me now isn't another attempt to manipulate me into some kinky wife-sharing thing?"

Amy's mouth dropped open. Then she slowly shook her head, "I guess I deserve that. I can't blame you for not trusting me. I DID lie to you and you WERE manipulated into bringing me home. I'm such a pitiful mess! I'm sorry, Matt, maybe it's best if you leave."

I stood and started for the door, then I had a sudden thought. "Ben asked me to drive you home. Needing to give you a lift home made me believe you had arrived with the band, did you?"

"He's a quick thinker, that was just an excuse to get you to take me home. My car is still in the parking lot at Olivia's. As I said, he doesn't live here. You're welcome to check my closets and dresser, there's no male clothing in this house."

I studied her face, the tears were building in the corners of her eyes and her lower lip trembled a bit. Her anguish was obvious. I asked myself if what she'd done was unforgivable. Her first lie was simply a way of protecting herself. That's not really an excuse but the lie was not meant to gain some sort of advantage, it was to prevent a possible awkward situation. Any guy hearing the lie still gets to decide if he wants to hang around or go after a more available female. So on the grand scale of things, it's more a "white lie" type of thing.

Now Ben's lies and manipulation were absolutely meant to give Amy an advantage and allow her to lure me to her home. But what were her intentions? Did she plan to harm me? Rob me? Lock me away in a dungeon? Of course not, quite the opposite. So, do I want to storm out and never speak to her again, or do I want to be a bit more understanding and get to know this unmarried, sexy lady a little better?... DUH!... I stepped back toward her.

"I don't know about you, but I could use another glass of wine."

Her face broke into a wide smile, "You're, You're staying?"

"Is that still okay? But I do have an important question."

"Yes! I want you to stay!... Please, ask me anything you'd like, anything!"

"Will I be taking you to pick up your car tonight,... or in the morning?"

She stepped into my arms and kissed me deeply. "I'm going to have my hands full with you, aren't I?"

I gave her my best wolffish grin, "Yes!... both hands!"

She giggled, "I hope so!"

I swept her up into my arms and carried her down the hall to her bedroom. She had a tight grip around my neck. When I bent to lay her on the bed, she pulled me down on top of her. Our lips came together and she fiercely clutched me as our tongues dueled together.

I shifted to my side to take some weight off of her and her hands quickly moved to my waist to undo my belt. We fumbled my clothes off and I pulled her teeshirt over her head. I kissed her neck as she entwined her slim fingers in my hair.

I nibble her ears and then kissed down her deep cleavage. She groaned when my lips locked onto her tall hard nipple. I swirled my tongue around her inviting nub and then sucked it deeply into my mouth as I lightly squeezed her firm breast.

I continued to squeeze her breasts and lightly pinch her nipples as I kissed my way down her soft torso. She groaned and raised her pelvis up to meet my face. I licked and nibbled around her sweet pussy before letting my long tongue explore her inner depths. Her hand gripped my hair as she lightly humped against my face.

I fucked her with my tongue for a few long moments and then flicked across her clit. She bucked wildly and cried out, "Oh yes! Oh god, please, Matt, please!"

I swirled my tongue around her clit and then flicked it quickly side-to-side while pressing it into her. She growled as she fucked my face hard against her sloppy pussy. I kicked up the speed as my tongue flicked and swirled around her sensitive clit. When I felt she was almost there, I pressed my lips over her clit and sucked it. She exploded!

"OH MY GOD! Oh, Fuck! Oh, Fuck! Yes, yes, yes!" She screamed as she crushed my head with her powerful thighs. I lightly kissed and licked her clit as her juices flooded my face. When I sensed she'd become a little sensitive, I licked and nibbled at her outer lips and then felt her pulling my hair.

"Matt, please! I need you in me right now!" She begged as she pulled my hair.

I moved up her body and she greedily grabbed my rock-hard dick and slid the head into her hungry pussy. As I pressed into her, her strong legs wrapped around me and she drove her heels into my ass and forced my cock deep into her sloppy depths.

"Oh my god! So good! So good! Fuck me, Matt! Fuck me hard! Oh my god, yes!"

I pounded into her and then reached down and hooked my arms under her knees. I pushed her knees up towards her chest and then pounded deeper into her sweet pussy.

"Oh god! Oh god! I'm cuuuuumming! Oh my god! So good, So good! Yeeees!"

I felt her pussy pulsing, gripping my dick, practically sucking me deeper into her depths, I exploded, and I groaned loudly as I shot rope after rope into her hungry pussy.

I let slip her legs and lowered my face to hers. We kissed deeply and then panted together. I rolled to my side and we both continued to suck wind. There was a light sheen of sweat covering our bodies.

"Wow, I've never felt anything like THAT before! Matt, you're amazing! Please tell me we're going to be doing that again!"

I chuckled a little, "I sure hope so, but I'm going to need a few minutes here. You wore me out!"

While it wasn't quite as intense, we did do it again, several times! We were both pretty wiped out the next morning, but a quick shower and two cups of coffee had me feeling nearly normal.

We were sitting at her kitchen table when we heard cars pull into her driveway. Amy peeked out the window and said, "It's Ben and Terry, they brought my car back."

Moments later there was a tap on the back door and Amy opened it to let the guys in.

Ben gave me a big grin. "That your Vette out front? (I nodded) Man, that's a sweet ride!"

Terry looked at me and then back to Amy. "Jesus, Look at her face! I haven't seen her glow like that for a looooong time!"

Amy blushed and studied her coffee cup.

Ben laughed, "Hey man, I was going to apologize for lying to you, but, I'm pretty sure I've already been forgiven." Then he and Terry both laughed and it was my turn to blush a bit.

He then turned to Amy. "Terry and I were headed to I-Hop for a late breakfast. I saw your car in Olivia's lot and decided to bring it out to you. I guess I wasn't thinking you'd still have company. Do you guys want to join us?"

Amy looked at me with raised eyebrows, I shrugged, "Sure, why not?"

As we munched on pancakes, Ben said, "We got an offer for a statewide tour. It will put us on the road for two months. Next weekend will be our last gig at Olivia's until we get back. She told me she wants us to be her "House Band" once our tour is over. She's offering a two-year contract."

"Oh Ben, That's great, you guys are doing really well. The tour will give you statewide exposure and the two-year deal at Olivia's will give you a steady paycheck." Amy gushed.

Terry piped up, "I sold two guitars and sent the money to Jill. She said if we accept the deal with Olivia she'll come back home. I was worried she'd lost that building she wanted, but it was still available. You know she's going to be after you to work for her when her studio opens."

"We talked about it ... before ..."

"Before I tried to completely fuck up my life?"

"Yeah, before the Vegas thing. Anyway, I told her I might do it part-time, but I'll still need to keep my day job." She turned to me and put her hand over mine. "Besides, I may have found something else to occupy my time."

"Yeah, something that puts a really big fucking smile on your face!" Terry said and laughed at his own joke.

"So, about that, I take it you two hit it off pretty well?" Ben asked as he looked at us both.

"Ben, at first I was really pissed at you for playing games with me, but Amy told me the truth about everything and I decided your heart was in the right place. ... Now let me ask you something. If she and I get really serious, are you going to be okay with that?"

Ben was about to answer when Amy gasped and pulled her hand away from mine. "Listen Assholes! I'm a full grown, adult, single woman, I decide who I'll see and I sure as shit don't need anyone's permission!"

It took me about 2 nanoseconds to realize I had seriously fucked up. I grabbed her hand, "Amy, please forgive me. That was really stupid. Of course, you are your own woman and make your own decisions. I'm sorry."

"Matt, I care deeply for Ben, but he is my "EX" husband, he has no say in my life."

"Wait, Amy, Let's be fair, Matt doesn't really know us that well, it's natural that he'd have some concerns. Hell, an EX is often a complication and I think he was just trying to clear the air, so to speak."

I looked at Am, nodding my agreement. "I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to say."

"I promised you I wouldn't lie to you again, so if you have any concerns, you just ask me and WE'LL talk them out between the two of us, Okay?"

We finished our meal and Amy went to the lady's room. Ben leaned towards me and whispered out of the side of his mouth, "To answer your question, I still love her. We are great as friends, but I was a lousy husband and she deserves much more than a "lousy" husband. If you can be the guy she deserves, then I'm more than just OKAY with that."

The following weekend the band was at Olivia's for the last time before they went on their mini-tour. I had a project to finish up which was going to keep me out of town Friday night and maybe make me late getting there Saturday night. Amy was disappointed but said she understood and hoped to see me Saturday.

The crowd was hopping when I slipped into Olivia's late Saturday. I quickly saw Amy on the dance floor, she and her partner looked lost in the music. Her sexy moves were captivating and there were a few folks just standing around the edge of the floor watching as Amy and her partner put on a sensual show. Their bodies bumped and moved together in a very sexual way. I felt a stirring in my pants as I watched them finish a very hot dance and head back to their table, hand-in-hand.

I walked up to the table and Amy leaped up to greet me. "Matt! You made it!" She exclaimed and then kissed me. She turned to her dance partner, "Jill, this is Matt Stevens. Matt this is my best friend in the whole world, Jill St Clair."

The beautiful redhead stood and embraced me. "Matt, she has been talking about you all week, it's great to finally meet you."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Jill, but does this mean I have to find a new dance partner?"

"Don't even think about it, Mister!" Amy said and laughed. "I'm sure Jill will have far more offers than she can accommodate."

We sat and chatted for a while then Amy and I got up to dance. I bet we didn't get ten feet away when there was a sudden scrum at the table as four guys showed up to ask Jill to dance.

Over the course of the evening, Jill told me she had gotten back with Terry, but he was on "probation." She said she got her lease signed on her studio and a contractor was due to start renovations the next week. I danced a couple of times with Jill, man, that was an experience!

That night in bed, Amy and I talked about our future plans.

"Matt, we haven't talked about it, but are you seeing anyone else?"

"What? No, Not since about 3 weeks before we met, and no one but you since that day. What about you?"

"I hadn't been with a man in over a year when we met. And no one except you since then. The truth is, I don't want to be with anyone but you."

"Amy, if you're asking me if I want us to be exclusive, the answer is, hell yes!"

She beamed at me and rolled up onto my chest to kiss me. "You have made me a very happy girl."

A couple of weeks later I stopped by her house without calling. I was a little surprised to see Ben's car in the driveway. I got a quick flash of jealousy and tried to push it down.

I told myself, "They're friends, he's allowed to visit her, it's not a bad thing, and you can trust her."

I was about to knock on the door when I looked through the door glass and noticed a pair of heels lying on the floor and a few feet away, I saw Amy's blouse. I tried the door, it was unlocked so I eased it open and slipped in. There was music playing and I heard Amy's giggle coming from her bedroom.

As I crept down the hall, I heard another giggle and murmuring voices. I quickened my pace and pushed open the bedroom door. Amy stood by the bed in a very sexy blue bra and panty set. Then I heard Jill say "I think the red is sexier." Then both ladies screamed as they finally noticed I'd entered the room.

"Matt! What the fuck? You scared the hell out of us! Why did you sneak up on us like that?"

I looked from one lady to the other and back again, "I'm sorry, I thought ... I thought ... Ben ... his car is outside..."

Amy looked at me in total confusion, "What?... Oh, Jill picked me up to go shopping. She borrowed Ben's car because he and Terry took hers. But why..."

Suddenly her face hardened, "Oh my god! You thought I was in here with him! Damn it, Matt! How could you!" She plopped down on the bed and began to sob.

Jill jumped up out of her chair and rushed to her. "Jesus Matt! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I backed out of the room and into the living room. I stumbled to the couch and sat down. Holy Fuck! What IS the matter with me? How could I just jump to the conclusion she was cheating? Why was it so easy for me to believe? I held my head in my hands. What a fucking mess.

Amy stepped out of her bedroom. She had on a robe. Her face was streaked with tears. Jill stood just behind her. "Matt, I think you'd better go."

I lurched forward off the couch and onto my knees. "Please, Honey, let me explain." She started to object, but Jill placed a hand on her shoulder and nodded toward me. I stood up and pointed to the couch and the girls took a seat there.

I paced back and forth. I told them about my divorce and how it had affected me, leaving me full of doubts. How I was never really sure if Sally had cheated on me. How having Sally decide to seek a replacement had left me feeling unworthy, and undesirable.

I looked into Amy's eyes, "She left me because I was unable to give her children. It left me feeling like I am less than a man. ... I'm sorry, I should have told you all this sooner, but I was afraid I'd scare you away. We haven't talked about marriage, about kids. I have no idea what you want for your future.

"When I saw his car, I told myself it was okay, not to worry, I can trust Amy. Then as I was about to knock, I saw your clothes strewn across the floor leading to your room. Then the old doubts came rushing back, I'm not worthy, you needed to replace me.

"Amy, I'm so sorry! I DO trust you! I guess I need to go back to my therapist. I'm so sorry."

Amy had raised a hand to her face, "Oh my god, Matt.' She looked at the clothes on the floor and then a Jill. "I was so eager to try these on, I started stripping out here."

Jill tilted her head to one side as she surveyed the trail of clothes. "Um, Amy...it sure looks..."

Amy stood up and moved to me, grasping my arms. "Matt, we will need to work this jealousy/trust thing out. We haven't even discussed marriage, so the kids' thing will have to be a part of that, - when the time is right. As for right now, I'm not sure how I feel about kids, but I'm willing to talk to you about it ... at some point."

Jill stepped around Amy and scooped up her purse. "You two need to talk ... NOW! I'll call you tomorrow, Amy."

"Honey, go get dressed, I'll take you to dinner then we can come back here and talk about all of my issues, which may take all evening."

My attempt at levity brought a small smile to Amy's face before she turned and went into her room to get dressed. We went to dinner and it was a little awkward. We hardly talked as I drove us home. When we came in, Amy poured some wine and we sat on the couch.

"Amy, I know it's late and we have much to discuss. I think we should take a few days and then have an in-depth discussion of the expectations we each have going forward. Is that okay with you?"

She nodded and stood. I kissed her tenderly and said, "Please don't give up on me. I know we can work through this, please just don't shut me out."

She kissed me again and said, "Can you come over Wednesday? I'll make us a small dinner and then we can talk. Matt, I want this to work, but I'm worried." She then put a hand up to the side of my face, looked deeply into my eyes, and kissed me softly. As she pulled away I could see the worry on her face.

I did a lot of soul-searching and finally decided it was time to fully take charge of my life. I made an appointment to see my old therapist and he was delighted to see me. We talked about my fears and self-doubts and how they had almost ended my relationship with Amy. He helped me see how my issues with Sally could be overcome. The issue of my sterility was one I'd have to learn to accept and belittling myself would not make it go away. He said if my relationship with Amy was serious, I needed to discuss my condition with her and let her tell me how she feels about it.

"So the fate of our relationship is in HER hands?" I huffed at him.

"Seriously Matt? The fate of any relationship is ALWAYS in your partner's hands. Think about it. Once you've made your feelings known, they will either accept you and commit to you or they won't. You can't force someone to love you. It is always their decision to make."

Wednesday couldn't have come soon enough for me. I got to Amy's house a little early and she asked me to pour wine while she got our dinner on the table. We had a nice meal and talked about everything except the elephant in the room.

After dinner, we sat on the couch and she looked at me expectantly.

"Well, I pretty much blurted out all my issues last week. What do you think we should do?"

Amy sighed deeply, "After my divorce, I stayed away from Ben and the band. It was Jill who finally convinced me to go listen to them again. It was awkward, but Ben kept his distance and I ended up having a good time with Jill. That was until closing and all the groupies swarmed the stage area. I saw them pawing at Ben and practically offering to fuck him right there on the stage. It was disgusting and I ran out.

"I didn't go again until, once more, Jill conned me into it. That time I had a new plan, as soon as the band started their closing number, I left. I'd had a great time dancing and hanging out with Jill and the others, but I was gone when the lights came on and the girls hit the stage.

"That became my routine and it worked well. Eventually, I began to stay later, and seeing the girls throw themselves at Ben began to affect me less and less. Then, one day I realized, I just felt sorry for them because they were so pathetic. I saw Ben as equally pathetic and I just let it go. Now I don't even give it a second thought, because I simply don't care about what he does.

"Matt, Ben is my friend, nothing more. I am more likely to sleep with Jill than with Ben and I have no interest in fucking Jill or anyone, other than you."

As she finished speaking I knew I had heard exactly what I needed to hear. "Okay, I promise to work with my therapist to help me with my self-doubts and jealousy. You mean a lot to me and I want us to be open and honest with each other. If we do that, I think we could be really good together.