Selfish Yvonne

I struggled with the category for this story. I know some will disagree, but I threw caution to the wind and put it in Loving Wives!

I'd like to thank my editor, Newell Post, any remaining errors are mine.

"You're so selfish!" I screamed at him.

Rob just looked down at the table, as he usually did when I went on one of my rampages.

"I've really about had it with these moods of yours," he said. "You have your life, a good life. Why is it selfish of me to want a good life of my own?"

I wished I had a good answer for him.

We dated in high school, and I was married now, but not to him.

Like most high school sweethearts, we believed that our love was one for the ages, that we made Romeo and Juliet seem like the Hatfields and the McCoys.

Unfortunately, also like most high school sweethearts, it simply wasn't to be. I would love to say that it was something dramatic, like one of us got caught cheating, or my father hated him; instead, we were just going in two different directions. I was going off to college, and he was going to trade school.

That didn't stop us from taking each other's virginity on Prom Night, and banging like bunnies all summer. We knew better than to try to maintain a long-distance relationship, and wished each other well as I headed off to school.

We made many promises to stay in touch, maybe we even meant some of them. We did have some time together over the holidays, but time and distance did their thing, and by the end of the school year we were effectively over.

We did run across each other occasionally over the summer, but it really wasn't any different than with any other old friends.

By the time I graduated from college, I had lost contact with Rob.

I dated many guys, but never seemed to find "the one." Part of me wondered if I was still hung up on Rob, but I quickly discounted that idea; Rob was in my past.

I was beginning to wonder if I would ever find love again, and then I met Adam. I immediately felt a connection with him, and it wasn't long before we fell in love. If I'm to be honest it wasn't the hot, passionate, burning love I had with Rob. It was more a warm, comfortable love, but I believed, I still believe, that I truly loved and love Adam.

I was looking forward to having a family with Adam, but somehow the timing just didn't seem quite right, and after we had been married a couple of years, Adam was transferred, and we had to move.

I got a job as the office manager for a contractor, and was just settling into my new job when Rob walked in, and when I saw him, some of the old embers started to glow.

"Yvonne," he said, "what a pleasant surprise. What brings you to town?"

"It's nice seeing you, too, Rob," I said. "My husband Adam just got transferred here, and I was lucky enough to land this job."

I saw his face drop when I mentioned Adam. I think that he was hoping to rekindle our romance, but that, of course, was impossible.

"Maybe we can get some coffee later," I said, "catch up on old times?"

"Sure, that'd be nice. When and where?"

"Can you do 10 o'clock, Dunkies on the corner?"

"That works. See you then," he said as he turned to go back to work.

"Rob . . ." I said, and he looked back.

"It was nice talking to you again," I said, maybe with a little more emotion than was proper. He seemed a bit off guard, just nodded and went back to work.

He was already sitting with his coffee when I walked in and ordered mine. We made the idle chit-chat that old friends make when they meet again after several years.

"I see you're not wearing a ring. How is it that some hot babe hasn't hooked you yet?"

A sad look came over his face.

"There was one girl. I really thought that she was the one, but our paths went in different directions. That was six years ago, and I just haven't been able to find that special someone yet. I know that you're married. I assume that Adam is treating you right?"

". . . Oh, yes," I said, hoping that he didn't notice my hesitation. "He's the best, I couldn't ask for a better husband."

"You'll have to introduce us sometime."

"Yes, of course," I said, but somehow, I knew that would never happen.

We were soon meeting daily. We talked about everything and about nothing.

Soon I was sharing things that I didn't even tell Adam. I wish I could say why; I've never been unable to talk to Adam about anything. Was it because Rob was there?

"I've noticed that you seem very nervous when the subject of Adam comes up," Rob said. "Is everything okay with you guys?"

I could tell that Rob's old feelings for me were returning, and I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't try very hard to discourage him, and then the other shoe dropped.

"Yvonne, I've been falling back in love with you, but you're married to Adam and I respect that, and I will NOT be "that guy.""

"I've missed you, Rob, and I still love you, but I also love Adam, and I could never be unfaithful to him."

Even before Rob's "confession" I could tell that his feelings for me were growing, but he never tried to move our friendship beyond the platonic, though we were getting dangerously close to having an emotional affair.

I could tell that Rob was getting frustrated with the situation, and he tried several times to break things off, but I was always able to pull him back.

We were getting close to the breaking point when it happened.

"Yvonne," Rob said, "I think we should cool it for a while."

"What do you mean, "cool it?""

"Yvonne, I can't do this anymore," he said. "I need space because I'm getting attached and I don't want to ruin what we have or be responsible for hurting your marriage."

"I need you, Rob," I said, "you're like my "comfort zone." I can talk to you about anything."

"Have you forgotten about Adam, your husband?" he asked. "Why don't you talk to him?"

"I DO talk to him about some things," I said, "but there are . . . some things that I just can't."

"I'm sorry, Yvonne, I just can't do this. I'm developing feelings for you that a man shouldn't have for a married woman. I know you will never leave Adam, and I would never ask you to. As long as I'm involved with you, I'll never be able to find a woman that I can love without restraint, who can give me all her love, as you should be doing with Adam."

Which brought me to my latest outburst.

"You're so selfish!" I screamed again. "You know how much I need you, yet you'll just walk away?"

"I'M being selfish?" he asked, incredulous. "You've got Adam, a great guy who loves you to death, but would deny me the space to find a good woman, yet you say that I'm being selfish? Hey, pot, see any kettles around here?"

I could feel the pressure building and my face must have scared Rob because he just slumped down and sighed in defeat.

"I was going to just suggest that we simply cut back on our meetings," he said, "but I can see that simply isn't going to be possible. I think that we should take some time off, let things cool off. Maybe later we can re-establish a more normal friendship, with proper boundaries."

I took a couple of deep breaths, and with what felt like a Herculean effort, pulled myself together.

"So, you think that after you cut my heart out, we can still be "friends?"" I said, dabbing my eyes with my napkin. "Well, you can just go fuck yourself, Rob! You walk away from this table, don't bother coming back. Maybe I'll tell Adam that you tried to seduce me. I don't think things will go very well for you if he sees you."

"Well," he said, "thank you for clarifying things for me, Yvonne. You won't have to worry about me coming back ever again."

Throwing a few bills on the table, he got up to leave, and I jumped up and grabbed his arm.

"Please, Rob, no, I didn't mean it," I said tearfully. "Please, take all the time you need, but please, please, come back to me."

I could see his eyes filling with tears as he gently pried my hands off his arm.

Taking both of my hands in his, he looked into my eyes and kissed my hands gently.

"I'm sorry, Yvonne," he said, "Good-bye."

He turned his back and walked away, leaving me quietly sobbing behind him.

What was I going to do now? I could sort of see Rob's point; he loved me, and I loved him, but we could never be together, yet I still needed him.

Adam could tell something was wrong as soon as I came in the door.

"What's the matter, Baby? You look like you've lost your best friend."

That started a fresh flow of tears, and Adam immediately wrapped his arms around me.

Without thinking, I said, "I just had a big fight with my best friend, and I think that I've lost him forever."

Adam drew back.

"Him? Him?!" he said. "How can your best friend be a "him," when I should be your best friend?"

Adam's reaction frightened me. There was no way that I could tell him that Rob was my first love.

"I'm sorry, Adam, but he's my oldest friend. We go back to high school. We drifted apart when I went to college. I was shocked when I found out he worked at my new job.

"We met occasionally for lunch or coffee, and it was like we were never apart. We just talk, Adam, we haven't done anything that wouldn't pass the "husband test.""

"Except that you haven't told me about these meet ups with your "oldest friend." I have to wonder why? I'm also curious about this big fight. Just what was it about that left you so miserable?"

Fuck! I couldn't tell Adam the truth, but there was no believable lie I could think of.

"I . . . I can't tell you," I said through my tears.

"I guess that tells me all that I need to know," he said as he headed towards the door.

"Adam, don't go, please don't go," I cried.

"Are you going to answer my question?"

I just shook my head as I stared at the floor.

"I didn't think so," he said, then I heard the front door close.

What was I going to do now?

I felt lost.

Both of the men in my life had left me, and I didn't know if I could get either of them back, or which one I wanted back.

Rob was right; I am selfish!

The more I thought about it, Adam seemed like a lost cause. Any chance I might have to get him back would require complete honesty, but I don't believe that he could stand my being completely honest.

The problem was, if I did leave Adam, would Rob still be there for me?

I decided to trust in Fate.

I would try to patch things up with Adam. I did love him, even if not with the passion I felt for Rob, and if things did work out, I didn't see any issues with Rob.

My mind made up, I picked up my phone and called Adam.

"Hello, Yvonne," he answered.

"Adam, I think we should talk."

"About what? I think we said all there is to say."

Here goes nothing.

"I . . . I'm ready to tell you everything; the whole truth."

"The truth," he said. "Will the truth set me free?"

"I don't know, Adam, but if we're to be over, I don't want it to be because of secrets. I hope that we can come back from this, but if we can't, I won't fight you."

There was a brief pause.

"Okay, Yvonne, I'll be over tomorrow after seven. Please have plenty of coffee, I have a feeling we might need it."

"Thank you, Adam, I'll see you then."

Now I just had to figure out how to both tell the truth; and save my marriage.

The next day, Adam arrived promptly at seven, and took a seat on the couch. I brought in a tray with a carafe of coffee, a couple of mugs and cream and sugar. I started to sit next to Adam, but his raised eyebrow moved me to the opposite end.

We each prepared our coffees and took a sip, when Adam spoke.

"Okay, Yvonne, this is your show. You have the floor."

I took a deep breath to settle myself, and began.

"As I told you, Rob and I were high-school sweethearts. I have to admit that at the time we believed we were deeply in love, though who can say what would have happened if our paths hadn't diverged after high school.

"You know what happened after that. You and I met, fell in love and got married."

"That's fine and dandy, but what can you tell me about losing your best friend?"

"That was pretty much as I told you. After we got over our surprise at seeing each other, we started meeting up, just talking about old times."

"And . . ." Rob said as I hesitated.

"And I felt some of my old feelings coming back."

"I suppose that's why I never got to meet him?"

"Yes, I was afraid that you might pick up on my feelings."

"Only your feelings?"

"Yes. Oh, I knew that Rob had feelings for me, but he knew that I was happily married . . ."

Adam raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Adam, happily married, and he didn't want to come between us. In fact, that's what caused our problem."

"How is that?" Adam asked.

"Rob and I were growing closer, not in a way that would threaten our marriage, but Rob wanted more, and he knew that he could never have it with me, so he tried to break things off."

"Tried to break things off?" Rob asked. "Why didn't he?"

I dreaded what I was about to say.

"I wouldn't let him. At first, he just wanted to cut back on our meetings. When I resisted, he wanted to break them off completely, at least for a while. I didn't take it very well, and he walked away, probably for good. That's when I told you about our fight."

Adam let out a big sigh, running his hands through his hair.

"Yvonne, tell me the truth. If we weren't married when you met Rob again, who would you be with?"

"I . . . I . . ." the words simply wouldn't come.

"I see," he said. "I'll be staying with my folks for a few days. I've got a lot to think about."

In a matter of a few days, it appeared that I was going to be alone.

I don't know how I functioned that week. Part of me wanted to run to Adam, to throw myself at his feet, to promise him that it was him that I loved, but I was afraid that he would read the truth in my eyes.

Another part of me wanted to go to Rob, but I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage, and I knew that going to Rob would surely end it.

Friday, I got the call that I both prayed for and dreaded; it was Adam.

"Yvonne, I think I'm ready to talk about us. When's a good time for me to come over?"

I didn't like the sound of that at all, but best to just rip the Band-Aid off.

"Now is as good a time as any, Adam, if that is good for you?"

There was some hesitation. I don't think he was expecting me to be so eager.

"Oh, okay," he said, "I'll be there in an hour."

"Okay, Adam, I'll see you then."

Well, this is it. The question is, will this be a renewal of our marriage, or the beginning of the end?

I'm surprised I didn't wear a rut in the floor pacing back and forth, and nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard his knock on the door.

I rushed to the door and threw it open.

"Adam, there was no need to knock. This is still your home."

He just shrugged. This doesn't look good, I thought.

"Would you like anything to drink?"

"No, thank you," he said as he went into the living room and took a seat in a side chair. Damn, I was hoping he'd sit in the love seat, or at least the sofa.

I nervously sat in the chair closest to him, and waited for him to speak first. The silence was deafening.

"Yvonne," he said, finally breaking the silence, "there's no easy way to say this. I'm going to seek a divorce."

"No, Adam, please no," I cried, "we can work things out."

"I'm sorry, Yvonne, no. I love you and I do believe that you love me, but not with all your heart. I believe that Rob has a large part of your heart, maybe the deepest part, and I can't, I won't, live like that, knowing that a significant part of you will always be longing for your first love.

"I hope that we have enough love and respect for each other that we can make this as painless as possible, but one way or the other, it WILL happen."

Adam let out a deep sigh and lowered his head.

I tried to settle my emotions as best I could, then began.

"Adam, I think you're wrong. Yes, there is a part of me that will always love Rob, but not in any way that will harm us. I also know, though, that I can't dictate how you feel, so I won't stand in your way, if this is what you really want. Just be sure that it is."

We sat silently for a few minutes, then rose at the same time, hugging each other tightly, knowing that it was likely the last time.

We tried to save a few bucks by using the same attorney, but he said that even with an amicable divorce it would be a conflict, and I should have my own attorney to look out for my interests. He had one of his associates sit with me and go over the agreement, and did find a few small things that Adam and his attorney readily agreed to.

We signed in the appropriate places, and after the waiting period our marriage ended, not with a bang, but a whimper. We never even had to go to court.

I waited until I was settled in my new apartment before I reached out to Rob. I was pretty sure that he had heard about my divorce, and was a little surprised that he hadn't spoken to me.

I caught up with him as we were leaving work.

"Hi, Rob."

"Oh, hi, Yvonne."

"Do you have time to stop for a drink?"

"Uh, sure. Doyle's okay?"

"Sure, see you there."

I tried not to break any traffic laws getting there, then spent a few minutes touching up my make-up and pulling myself together.

I walked to the entrance, took a deep breath, and walked in. It took just a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dim lighting, then I saw Rob sitting in a corner booth. I went over and sat opposite him.

"Hi, Rob, long time, no see. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were avoiding me," I said with a small smile.

He squirmed a little.

"Under the circumstances, I thought it would be best to give you a little space."

"Well, you certainly succeeded there," I said, "but I'm sure that you've heard that my circumstances have changed."

"Yes, I heard. I'm sorry, I never wanted to break up your marriage."

"But you didn't, not exactly."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, I told Adam about you, about us, and how you were no threat to our marriage, but he just couldn't wrap his head around everything. We parted on good terms."

"That's good. I guess you want us to get together now?"

"That was certainly my plan. You did say you were falling in love with me, as I recall."

"I was, I am, but it just feels . . . off, somehow."

This wasn't going the way that I had hoped. I was going to have to proceed carefully.

"I understand, Rob; you don't want to rush into anything, especially a rebound relationship. Why don't we just try dating for now, see what happens."

Rob agreed, with a bit less enthusiasm than I would have liked, but I kept that thought to myself.

For the next few months, we dated fairly regularly. I know he dated some other girls, and I refused him a few times, even though I didn't have another date, just so that I wouldn't seem too desperate.

His other dates dwindled down until we decided to become officially exclusive. We had already been intimate, but now we could dispense with the condoms.

For Valentine's Day, Rob booked a weekend getaway at a charming Bed and Breakfast on the Maine coast. After a candlelight dinner, we bundled up and took a short stroll on the bluff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. February in Maine is no joke, and I turned to go back to the B&B, but Rob pulled me back and I saw him down on one knee.

"Yvonne, in the immortal words of the Grateful Dead, it's been a long, strange trip, but would you do me the honor of being my wife?"

It's a good thing there was a guardrail, or else I might have knocked us both into the sea as I launched myself into his arms.

"I'll take that as a yes?" he said, slipping the ring on my finger as I nodded like a bobblehead, then we wrapped ourselves in each other's arms and made our way back.

I flashed my ring to the applause of the people in the dining room as Rob bought a round for the house, before we made our way to our room to finalize our engagement.