September Sunsets Pt. 04

After a long lie-in, the house came alive with a rush of activity as everyone got up, ready, packed their belongings and tidied up before the 12pm checkout time. Saoirse knocked quietly on Emma's door. "Morning, Em. How are you?" she asked softly as she stepped into the room.

Emma looked embarrassed and smiled awkwardly. "Hi. Look I'm so sorry about last night, I had way too much to drink and I don't know what I thought I was saying." Emma said quickly.

"No, there's no need. We all had too much to drink." Saoirse interrupted, waving her hand. "I got the wrong end of the stick and took it personally. I'm sorry, Em." Saoirse said, clutching her hand to her chest.

"No, not at all! It was just a misunderstanding, no harm done." Emma smiled timidly.

"I hope you don't mind but Neil mentioned the reason that conversation started was because there's stuff going on with Jo." Saoirse said cautiously. "You were seeking support and advice and I'm sorry that I didn't realise and I made it about me." she said. Emma nodded. "If you need anything, I'm here for you. You can text or call if you want a chat or you can come across to mine and stay over in my spare room if you like." Saoirse sighed a laugh. Emma looked down at her hands. There was an awkward silence. "Well, I'll let you get sorted." Saoirse said softly, gesturing around the room.

"Saoirse." Emma called as Saoirse turned round to leave the room. Saoirse turned back to face her. "Thanks." Emma said with a grateful smile. "I might take you up on that spare room." she said as she approached Saoirse and hugged her.

"Of course! Anytime!" Saoirse nodded enthusiastically. "Neil and I are giving you a lift home today since Jay and Mike brought you over with them." she said. Emma nodded.

----------------------------------------------

"Are you in a rush to get home?" Neil asked Saoirse as he turned his car in Emma's driveway and they waved goodbye to her.

Saoirse shook her head. "You're not exhausted from all the social interaction?" he asked with a knowing smirk. She glanced at him and smiled with pursed lips. Neil chuckled and stroked her thigh while he waited for a gap in the traffic to pull out onto the main road. "I know we've already driven an hour in the wrong direction to bring Em home," he said softly "but there are a couple of places further North I'd like to take you to see." he said. "I thought while we were over this way...?" he asked. Saoirse hummed in agreement and rubbed his hand on her thigh. They drove for a few miles chatting casually about the weather and things they passed along the roadside.

"What does it feel like when you come?" Saoirse asked.

Neil looked at her quickly before looking back at the road, his eyes wide and an alarmed look on his face. "Fucking hell, Saoirse!" he exclaimed. "Do you realise you said that out loud?!"

"What?! I'm only wondering." she smiled.

"Just straight in there, no messing!" Neil chuckled.

"That's what she said!" Saoirse laughed.

Neil groaned and rubbed his beard with his left hand. "When we've got 5 hours in the car!" he grumbled.

"Says old dirty minded Deacon!" she laughed. "I'm in a quite thoughtful and reflective mood today." Saoirse said with a grin.

"Good to know, you maybe should've led with that!" he chuckled. "And less of the 'old' thanks!"

"Note to self..." Saoirse said quietly, pretending to write a note on her hand. Neil laughed quietly. "Well?" she asked, raising her eyebrows at him. He glanced at her then back at the road and ran his hand up the back of his neck. "Ok start again." she said. They sat in silence for a moment. "Neil, I'm feeling quite thoughtful and reflective today." she said, cheerfully.

"Really Saoirse? That's interesting. I wonder what you're thinking about!" Neil replied, sarcastically.

"Can we talk about sex?" she asked. "On this 5 hour long car journey." she added quickly with a giggle. They stopped at a red light and Neil stretched his arms up and back, putting his left arm over her shoulders and looking at her.

"Let's talk about sex, baby!" he said with a smirk. Saoirse furrowed her brow. "Yes, Saoirse." he smiled as he looked at her. The traffic lights changed and they started moving again. "I can't really look at you though." he said, gesturing towards the road ahead.

"Maybe that's a good thing," Saoirse said. "I'm suddenly a bit bashful." she said softly. Neil reached for her hand and lifted it to his mouth to kiss it quickly.

"Alright?" he asked, glancing at her. She nodded. "When I come..." he exhaled heavily. "I have to think about how to describe it... how do you mean...?" he asked with a shrug.

"Hmmm I suppose physically and in your head, I mean what thoughts go through your head." she said.

Neil sighed a loud laugh. "Not much, to be honest!" He thought for a moment while he leaned his elbow on the door frame and scratched his head. "Generally it's 'Yes I'm having sex', 'Yes I'm about to come' and 'Holy shit if I died right now I would be happy'..." He glanced at her. "It's not something profound if that's what you were hoping for?" he asked with a grin. They stopped at another red light as they made their way through a series of small villages.

"No, I'm fascinated by all of it and how different or similar it is." she said. "I get to a stage where I feel like I need you further inside me, even though there's no where to go." she reached her arms out, gesturing a motion of pulling him towards her. "Or if you're not inside me, I feel like I NEED IT NOW!" she laughed. "It's like this urge and I can't stop it. Sometimes I hear myself say it out loud and I know it doesn't make sense, like you're literally balls deep and I'm going 'I need you deeper'." she said. "But how?!" she laughed, holding her hands out in a shrug.

Neil groaned and sighed. "I fucking love when you do that." he glanced and smiled at her. "Unnecessary sidenote: I've got a semi!" he groaned with a laugh, he tried to readjust himself as the light changed to green and the cars ahead moved on. Saoirse tutted loudly. "I'm just stating an obvious fact!" he said with a laugh. "And I'm wearing jeans!" he said defensively and raised his eyebrows at her. She nodded once. "So... I guess that feeling's vaguely similar to judging the point of no return?" he frowned and shrugged with one shoulder. "Pulling out is a fucking challenge cos my whole body is going 'come inside her'." he gestured forward with his left arm. "You could ask me for pretty much anything at that moment and I would just agree!" he laughed.

"I must remember that!" Saoirse laughed. Neil nudged her. "What does it feel like physically though?" she asked.

"Pffffttt...ehmmmm... I suppose...like a tingling, warm sort of feeling..." he paused and rubbed his beard. "It gets tight around my taint and my balls and there's pressure that feels like..." He gestured forward with his hand. "The orgasm is a massive release of built up tension. Your brain is fuzzy, like you shook up a bottle of Coke and opened it." he laughed, delighted at his description. "Ejaculating feels uncontrollable, like a relief but in a good way." he raised his eyebrows at the thought. "The easiest way to describe it is imagine you've been dying to pee for so long and then the relief when you finally go." he glanced at her. Saoirse's eyes were wide and then she frowned. "Except 100 billion times better, obviously!" Neil laughed. Saoirse nodded. "How does that compare?" he asked.

"Hmmm...it... doesn't really." she said slowly with a giggle. "There's a lot that goes through my head, mainly concentrating on relaxing!" she giggled "cos it's not as easy to come." she said.

"Uh huh, I know all about that." Neil teased as they stopped at another red light.

"Well, you've gotta work for it, you've gotta EARN it!" she raised her eyebrows and nodded at him with a smirk on her face. "As Britney said 'you better work, bitch'." she pouted at him. Neil laughed.

"Well once I'm doing my work?" he asked.

"It's like when you're on a rollercoaster and it's climbing up and up the track and then you get right to the top and drop down the other side, suddenly it feels like you're freefalling." she said, gesturing with her arm. Neil looked at her with a want. Saoirse laughed at his facial expression. "The thrill seeker in you is dying to know what that feels like!" she laughed. Neil nodded. "It feels like I'm falling off a cliff." she said. The traffic started moving again.

"Sounds like some sort of extreme sport. Well, working for it is an extreme sport!" he teased. She laughed. "I'm only teasing! You know your body well and you're so responsive to touch. I love you, it's not work." he said caringly, patting her knee with his hand.

"Extreme sports are your thing!" she laughed. Neil nodded. "I nearly always come with you!" she exclaimed.

"True, you're very responsive!" he said in a low groan, stroking his hand up her thigh. "Still a bit of a win though." he teased, moving his hand to change gear.

"No, I know what you mean. It's a proper ego boost making a woman come. You feel invincible." she said.

Neil sighed a laugh. "That's something I never thought I'd have in common with my girlfriend."

"Please don't tell me it makes you feel emasculated or intimidated." Saoirse groaned. Neil shook his head hard. "Phew! I was about to get on my feminist high horse!" she said. "Because don't forget, women know how to get themselves off!" she said. Neil smirked as he turned into the beach car park. "Anyway, for me it's easier because I trust you and I feel safe and cared for. You make it easy to relax and be comfortable. Even when I feel self-conscious or embarrassed, I trust you." she rubbed his shoulder as he parked the car and turned towards her.

He reached for her hand and kissed it. "Good. We're well-balanced. I know sometimes you feel vulnerable and need reassurance but you are very attentive and loving. It helps if I feel sad." Neil said with a soft smile.

"Do you feel sad?' Saoirse asked, surprised. She looked at him.

"Sometimes," an embarrassed look flashed across his face. He continued hesitantly "after we have sex." He looked down awkwardly. "Only sometimes, not all the time. It just happens." he mumbled quickly and shrugged.

"Awww Neil." Saoirse said softly as she squeezed his knee. Neil shrugged, wishing he hadn't said it. "Is there anything we can do to make it better?" she asked.

"Nah," Neil said dismissively. "You always bring the cuddles and then it's gone." he smiled, trying to gloss over it.

"I sense sometimes you don't like to be touched straight away and maybe you feel like it's too much after we've been so close." she shrugged. "I usually need to pee anyway so I thought by leaving you for a few moments you would feel less overwhelmed by me all over you." she said quietly.

"I love the cuddling, I love all the affection." he smiled softly, lifting her chin to look into her eyes. "That's why it's weird when I feel sad or irritated because we've had great sex and then it hits me." he cleared his throat. "I don't want you to feel hurt or rejected but I don't know how to explain it. I guess when it happens, I'm anxious about something and I don't realise it." he said, looking at her. "It's some type of dysphoria. I Googled it." he said quickly.

"Oh!" she said, with a flicker of recognition on her face.

"Have you heard of it?" he asked reluctantly, glancing at her.

"Sort of. I didn't make the connection until just now." she said. "I had something similar happen... in my last relationship." she looked down. "I spoke to a counsellor because often I was tearful and I thought there was other stuff going on..." her voice faltered and she cleared her throat and tried again. "I'd get sometimes. Afterwards." she said. Neil hummed in sympathy and Saoirse smiled timidly. "Now you feel like I just did when you told me you feel sad." she laughed quietly. Neil nodded softly and gazed at her with a little smile on his face.

"Has it happened with me?" he asked softly.

Saoirse nodded hesitantly. "Either I was in the bathroom or you'd fallen asleep already." she said quickly. Neil frowned. "I didn't want to ruin the mood so..." she shrugged.

Neil laughed loudly which took Saoirse by surprise. "Here we thought we were great at communicating, the sex is great!" he said exaggeratedly. "Both fucking choking with anxiety after and too scared to tell the other!" he said quietly with a loud laugh. Saoirse pursed her lips and nodded, she felt hurt like he was making fun of her but he noticed her reaction. "Look, no, it's not..." he stumbled over his words. "From now on when it happens, I tell you," he said tapping his fingertips from his chest to hers. "and you tell me." he said tapping his fingertips from her chest to his. "It doesn't matter if it feels like it's ruining the mood or anything else, OK?" he asked reassuringly. Saoirse nodded. "Promise?" he asked. She smiled softly. "I promise you too." he said, leaning over to kiss her. "The rain has eased off and we're at stop 1 of the places I wanted to show you. Fancy stretching your legs?" he asked. Saoirse agreed.

"Are you stiff?" she asked, getting out of the car.

Neil sniggered. "Hmm, nah lost it." he said, zipping up his coat.

Saoirse frowned at him and then quickly realised. "I meant your back and your legs from driving!" she said. He nodded and stuck his tongue out at her indicating he knew what she meant.

They walked along the concrete path at the top of the soft sandy beach holding hands. It was blustery but the breeze was warm. On the grass bank at the end of the beach Saoirse sat at a picnic table in front of the little coffee kiosk and Neil queued up. He returned to the table with 2 takeaway cups and 2 greaseproof sleeves. "Cappuccino for the lady," he said, setting one cup in front of her. "Tea for me." he said setting the other cup down. He took a bundle of napkins from his pocket and handed them to her. "Napkins cos you're a mucky pup," he teased. Saoirse laughed. "Are you ready for this?" he asked, sitting down at the picnic bench and sliding a greaseproof sleeve towards her. She raised her eyebrows. He leaned in and spoke in a low groan as he maintained eye contact with her. "Fresh, warm, ring doughnut with cinnamon sugar!" he said, teasing open the greaseproof sleeve. Saoirse's face creased in anticipation as she looked at it. "Oh yeah, it's that good!" he teased.

Saoirse smiled at him coyly. "Do you want to play a game?" she asked quietly.

Neil's eyes were fixed on hers. "Considering what the car conversation was today, I'm frightened to ask!" he laughed his giddy giggle.

Saoirse laughed. "No! Nothing dodgy, there are people around!" she scolded. "You have to eat the whole thing without licking your lips." she said. Neil smirked at her and rolled back his shoulders. "Oh Neil, look at you all cocky! It's not as easy as you think." she teased.

"Uh huh! Let's go, gorgeous!" Neil said, taking a massive bite out of his doughtnut. Saoirse took a small bite of her doughnut and chewed slowly. They maintained eye contact. "Mmm! That's good!" he said as he licked his lips.

Saoirse burst out laughing. "YOU JUST LICKED YOUR LIPS!" she squealed. Neil threw his doughnut down in the sleeve and held his hands up in the air as he swallowed.

"That's impossible!" he laughed. "It's all in my beard as well!" he said annoyed, rubbing his mouth with a napkin.

"Dont worry, I'll lick it off you later." Saoirse said in a teasing tone, raising her eyebrows. Neil gazed at her and pouted a kiss.

When they'd finished their doughnuts and drinks, they walked back along the path. Saoirse climbed up on the wall and held on to Neil's shoulder as he walked along on the path below her. When they reached the halfway point, Neil suggested they stop and sit for a while. He lifted her down from the wall and pushed himself up and back to sit on it. He grasped Saoirse and pulled her to stand between his legs, leaning against him and the wall. She rested her arms on his thighs and he stroked her hands and up her sleeves. They stayed in silence looking out to sea, watching the people walking their dogs along the beach, kids running around on the sand, someone windsurfing. It was a much more secluded beach than they had been on during their trip. Almost like a hidden gem.

"It's lovely here." Saoirse said. Neil hummed in agreement. "And not just because of the epic doughnuts!" she giggled. Neil kissed the top of her head and clutched her to him.

"Yeah, it is. I wasn't sure they'd still have the kiosk or be doing the doughnuts. We used to visit when we were kids and this is where I first learned to surf. It's been a while since I was here." he said.

"Oh really? That's very special! How come you haven't been?" asked Saoirse cheerily.

"You know I told you I broke my neck?" he asked. She hummed cautiously in agreement. "Well, it happened just in the direct line of where that buoy is in the water in front of us." he said calmly, pointing out into the sea in front of them.

"Aw! Neil!" Saoirse said, shocked. She hugged his thighs in her arms and pressed her body back against him. He squeezed her against him. There was a short pause. "Have you been surfing here since?" she asked.

"Nah." he said. There was a long pause. Saoirse's mouth went dry and her knees weak. Neil chuckled quietly. "Your heart just fell out your bum!" he said with a chuckle.

"Oh my God. So this is the first time you've been back since it happened?" she asked softly.

He hummed. "Nah, I've been back once, just to visit it." He said resting his chin on her head and clutching her hands in his, resisting her turning to face him. "Wait, wait, don't move!" he said quickly, softly. "Just for a minute." She lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed it. "So this is it."

"Thank you for sharing it with me. I'm sure that was a difficult decision." she said, finally turning round to face him.

Neil looked at her, pursed his lips and shook his head. "I wanted to come back here for a while but it never felt right. You've shared some difficult things with me this week and I realised it was the time." he said, looking out to sea.

"I feel mortified about the car conversation now that I know why you wanted to bring me here!" she said, blushing.

Neil sighed a laugh. "Nah, don't be silly!" he smiled and looked at her fondly. "I didn't want to make a fuss... and it kept my brain active on the drive over!" he teased. "Ready for the next place?" he asked. She nodded and he clasped her hand as they began walking back to the car. "I promise this one isn't where something bad happened, it's just a nice place." he chuckled.

They drove for another 30 minutes to a coastal walk that was over a dusty path, surrounded by grass with the beach far below them. Saoirse walked slowly as the path got stoney and the footing uneven. Neil walked in front of her, reaching his arm back to hold her hand. They stopped along the way to admire the views of the coastline and the headland in front of them. They reached the ruins of an old stone building and Neil led them inside. One wall stood strong with half of each of the side walls. There was no roof and the inside was stones, grass and wildflowers. "This will be the type of house I'll only be able to afford!" Saoirse giggled.

"This is probably worth more than my flat now!" Neil joked. "I used to come here and take photos. Even though it's exposed, it's a bit of shelter from the path and if you look out that...window frame, I suppose it is," he chuckled quietly as he pointed towards a hole in the wall in the far corner. "The view is..." he gestured an OK symbol and nodded.

Saoirse made her way carefully through the grass, wildflowers and over the rocks to the window. She looked out and laughed. "It's lovely but I think my height is hindering the view." she said, standing on her tiptoes.