Setting the Past to Rest

"Yes. I tell him because a part of me still does love him. I'm very torn, Matt. I just don't know what I want." Her eyes were so sad, it was hurting me, but the nature of the situation was hurting more.

"Jess, what does he know about me. I mean, he has to know there's another man in your life."

"He knows there is someone, but I haven't told him anything about you. He doesn't ask, and I don't offer information. Believe me, he's not happy either."

With an edge to my voice, I said "Jess, right now his happiness is the least of my concerns. I'm sorry, but I'm thinking about what I want, and I want you to myself. You know, as a relationship. I love you, very much. But this is just not sustainable. I want to ask you something. Do you still have sex with him?" I eyed her closely. I meant sex the way she and I had sex, hands only.

Jess was quiet and a couple of tears dripped down her cheeks. "Yes. I can't see him and not be intimate with him, any more than I could do that with you."

"Did you have sex last night?" I was angry now, beyond just hurt. She just nodded her head slightly, and a piece of my heart broke. "Jess, I love you, but this has to end. You have to make a choice. I can wait, if I have to, to expand the ways we make love with each other. But I can't share you any longer. I'm not going to put you on the spot and tell you to make a decision right now. But it has to be very soon. Tonight is Tuesday. By Saturday, you have to decide. I just can't live like this. I love you way too much to share you."

"I know, Honey" she said softly as a slow stream of tears kept falling. We were in a public place, and it was obvious to anyone who looked our way that this was an unhappy couple. We weren't yelling or even raising our voices. But we sure as hell weren't a happy couple. "I can't keep hurting you, and I can't keep hurting Bruce either. And I'm hurting myself as well, because two men I care deeply about are suffering because of me." Jess pushed her plate away, her meal barely touched, and I did the same as my dinner also went uneaten. I called for the waiter to just bring me the check, not even asking for the leftovers to be wrapped to go.

It was still early, about 9, and normally we would have gone to meet friends, hers or mine, for a couple of hours before going to her basement to be alone. But neither of us was in a mood to have fun with friends. And her parents were actually out until late, so under most circumstances, it would have been ideal for us to go to her basement and have a great time. Jess even suggested it.

"Can we go home and make love, Matt? I really want you. I want to share love." Her eyes were so earnest. Her lips trembled a little. She was clearly excited, and she wanted me. Not, unfortunately the way most people mean when they refer to 'making love'. She meant our way, kissing passionately and touching and stroking until we both had pounding orgasms.

I thought for a moment, then, against my own better judgement, I nodded yes and we shared a wonderful kiss. We hurried back to her house, to her basement, where we'd have plenty of privacy.

Jessica arranged some of the couch pillows on the floor and told me to lean back and be comfortable. She turned off the lights and the only light filling the room was the moon and starlight peeking through the thin curtains. It was plenty, once our eyes adjusted to the low level light. Jessica stood up right in front of me and very slowly, she peeled off her blouse, and then removed her bra as we maintained eye contact. She was teasing me, something she hadn't done before, and it was a sexy treat.

I started to pull off my shirt, but Jess said "No, Matt. Just watch me, I want to do this for you." Her smile was confident, something she never expressed before. Her fingertips lightly touched her body, from her neck down to her cleavage then slowly circling her breasts, medium and perfect, with those thick, dark nipples. Even in the low light, I could see how much her tease was turning her on, as much as she was doing for me.

Her fingers lightly grazed over her thick points and she gasped each time. It was all I could do not to touch her or touch myself. She then unzipped her denim skirt, and they fell down with a couple of shakes of her hips. She stood there in just her panties, a small red cotton string bikini that clung to her hips, her mound and her ass. Only then, after I got a very good look, did she join me on the floor, sliding right into my arms. We were so hot we were kissing wildly, our hands all over each other when we weren't trying to get me out of my own clothes. Soon enough we were naked and touching and grinding into each other. My knee was between her legs, pressing up into her pussy and she pushed back down on my leg. She was gripping my cock as I grabbed both cheeks of her ass and I kissed her from her throat down to her tits, trying to devour her nipples. We were grunting loudly, out hips moving as if we were fucking.

We came close that night. Her panties were off, as were my boxers. I was on top of her with my cock pressed tightly between our bodies. Her legs came up, the position she'd take if I was to penetrate her deep. As I was about to throw caution to the wind, Jess said, "Please tell me you have a condom, Honey."

Dammit. I didn't have one because we hadn't needed one. We hadn't discussed me taking her virginity. Neither of us was looking to become parents, but at that moment I would have thrown caution to the wind. But Jessica let her common sense take over, thankfully. No birth control, no way. She was right. As much as I wanted to make her mine and have her make me hers, it would have been wrong, doubly so since we didn't know if this would be our last night together.

Instead, we faced each other, making out, and doing what we usually did. We just did it with extra passion. We wanted this to count, to be the best loving experience we ever shared, and it was exactly that, intense, lusty, blazing hot. She came all over the length of my fingers and my palm while I sprayed so hard my seed went all the way up to her neck and streaked her tits. It was absolutely explosive, body and mind.

When we could finally talk, all I said was "Wow!" Jess giggled, feeling much the same way. Maybe it was the realization that this could well be our last time that made it so incredibly intense.

"I know. Wow" she agreed as we held on tight to each other. "Thank you, Matt. That was the best ever for me."

"You sure as hell don't have to thank me, Jess. It was amazing for me as well." We kissed, a few soft pecks while we cooled down. But then things got a little weird. The realization that this could be it for us kind of washed over us like a wet blanket. We quietly got up, took turns using the bathroom, then we got dressed and put the couch back together. And then we went back upstairs; it was time for me to get going. It all happened with barely a word.

Inside her front door, we held each other for a long time. Nothing was said for a long while; we just held on as if we'd drown if we let go. Finally, I had to get going. "Jess, I'm not going to call you for the next few days. I'll come over Saturday, around 8, and you have to decide what you want by then. I can't keep doing this, being the 'other man' in your life. I just can't."

We were both crying, not bawling, but a soft cry that was incredibly sad. "I know. This isn't fair to anyone. Including me" she said with a terrible ache in her voice. "I just don't know what to do. But I'll make a decision. I promise. I love you, Matt. Whatever happens, I swear I love you." She kissed my cheek and then my lips.

I returned her kisses and gave her some more of my own. "I know you do, Baby. I love you too. I hope I get to keep on loving you." I kissed her once more, a deep, long kiss. "I have to go before I can't drive." I rushed out of her house, got behind the wheel and drove down and around the block before I pulled to the curb and let myself really cry. Jessica might not have known what she'd decide, but I did. In my bones, I knew what her choice would be.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

You all know what happened. I went over Saturday and Jess was waiting for me outside. She got in my car, we hugged, and then she broke my heart, saying she felt she owed it to Bruce to give them another chance. It was devastating, especially since I knew, and she knew, that she loved me much more than she loved Bruce. We had a long cry together before she bolted out of my car, sobbing all the way until she was back inside. I sat there kind of numb for a few minutes before I got the strength to drive home. Only when I got there did I let it go again. My chest actually ached, and I did something I hadn't done in many years. I cried to my mother, who cradled my body and just let me get it out of my system. The crying, I mean. The broken heart took a very long time to heal. I didn't date anyone else for over a year.

Time moves on, and broken hearts do heal. There were times I wanted to call Jessica and talk, see how things were going in her life, but I resisted that urge. It just would have opened the scab all over again. I didn't hear from Jessica for almost 30 years.

I eventually started dating again, here and there. I had sex with new girls, fell in love a couple of times, and then, when I was in grad school, I met Gina and everything just fell into place. She's a bubbly, very pretty, petite and curvy strawberry blond, with a great sense of humor. And she's sexy and sensuous as can be. We fell deeply in love, I asked her to marry me after a year together, and we got married another year later. We both had good jobs (she runs a lab for a pharmaceutical company), we bought a house in Connecticut, and we had a daughter and then another daughter. We have a great and loving life together. Everything a couple could want. And yet, there were times over the years I wondered what happened to Jessica. Not so much my other exes. But Jessica....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A little more than ten years ago, I was doing some work on my laptop in my home office. When I was done, I opened my Facebook page, just to see what others were up to in their lives, and there was a friend request from Jessica, whose last name was now Royce. I froze for a second before I made sure Gina wasn't nearby. Then I opened the request to Jessica's page.

I have to tell you, the years had been kind to her. She still had the thick mop of black, curly hair, the same big and bright smile. I looked at some more pics and saw she was still slender, bustier than she had been at 18. She was married and had a son in college. In one picture, she looked great in a tight black tank top and distressed jeans with ankle boots. As I said, she looked great.

She was living in Seattle, and she was a child psychologist. Seattle. I traveled there at least once a year, since it's a big aeronautical town. My company had a subcontractor in Bellevue I had been dealing with for more than ten years, and I still went there to check up on their work. It was really mostly hand-holding. I'd usually go on a Tuesday, stay through Friday, though sometimes I'd stay through the weekend to play golf and just be social with my contacts.

After messaging each other back and forth a few times, getting some basic information from each other, we set a time to video chat with each other. Gina knew all about Jessica; I had told her about Jess way back when we met, as I did other serious girls (and she had told me about men in her past), and I didn't have anything to hide. Gina had no problem with me talking to Jessica. She was confident in my love for her, and I never cheated on her in almost 25 years of marriage.

At the appointed time, I called Jessica through my computer, and she answered promptly. "Jess? Hey, how are you! It's great to see you!"

"Matt! Look at you! You look great! This is just wonderful!" And we easily fell into a long conversation about what we had been doing the last thirty years, about our families (she was married to a man named Sam who was an investor, and they lived in a very expensive home on the water on Lake Washington) and just about life in general. Her parents were still alive and fairly well, we talked about places we traveled to, etc. An hour and a half later we had to get going; it was three hours later by me and I had to get up for work in the morning. We made plans to keep in touch, either by video chat or just chatting online.

For the next six months, we kept in touch, talking at least once a week unless I was away or either of us were on vacation. We became very close friends. But we also became more. There was unquestionably some degree of sexual attraction and there was more than a little innuendo in our humor.

Then my company needed me to go to Seattle to see our subcontractor. It was that time of year, mid-May, and I mentioned it to Jessica. After dancing around the obvious, I said "You know, I sometimes stay beyond the end of the week, through Sunday night instead of Friday. It would be great if we could meet for dinner maybe on Friday, maybe do something together on Saturday. I could meet Sam." I didn't really want to meet him, but I was trying to act like I wanted to keep everything above board.

"No, you couldn't. He's going to be in Chicago on business that weekend." We were looking at each other on the screen like we knew what the other was thinking. It didn't have to be said. Besides, by not saying it, we were keeping our options open in case either of us wanted to back out. But there was no question in my mind. I was willing if she was. "I'd love to meet you for dinner... and maybe more."

My stomach was in a knot. We were talking about being unfaithful to our spouses without saying it outright. There was a lot of desire there. We had a limited sexual past and we both wanted to maybe see what could have been.

"So it's a 'date'" I said, trying to keep it casual when I was feeling anything but casual. I was going to have to lie to Gina to do this, something I almost never did, and when I did, it was about trivial things.

Three weeks later, I was on a plane, a six-and-a-half-hour flight to Sea-Tac (Seattle-Tacoma) International Airport. I usually just worked while I flew, and the time passed quickly. But this time I was a bundle of nerves. Just the thought of seeing Jessica for the first time in thirty years had me jumpy, even if we just ended up having dinner together. But I was almost sure the opportunity to go to bed together was going to come up.

For the first three days, it was all business. When I wasn't in my 4-star hotel, I was at our subcontractor's offices, going over all manner of issues, problems, etc. Basic handholding. Making sure their production lines were keeping to schedules. At night, expensive dinners, all on my company's credit card. And I called home to Gina every night by 8PM in Seattle, 11PM Connecticut time, to tell her I loved her and hear it back. And I did, I still do. She's the light of my life, along with our daughters. It made me conflicted on what I was planning to do that weekend.

Friday. I checked out of my hotel on my company card and checked back in on my own personal card. I often did that when I was staying on the weekend for social purposes. I never wanted it to even be suggested I was cheating the company. But my social plans for the weekend had nothing to do with my work connections.

I went back to my room after a final visit with my connections, and waited for Jessica to call me, sometime after 6. My phone rang about 6:20, just as I felt I was going to jump out of my skin. "Hello?" My voice was shaking, like I was a cat on a fence.

"Matt. I can't believe you're here." I could hear the smile, warm and very friendly. She didn't sound nervous at all. "How's your week here been?"

"Busy, like always. This particular contractor...they really require a lot of supervision. How about you? How was your week?"

"Kind of anxious. I've been looking forward to seeing you tonight all week long. Can I buy you dinner? You are from out of town." That voice, a little flirty and very sexy.

"Dinner, yes. But I'm buying. Please."

"Hmmm all right. But tomorrow night is on me." So, she was thinking tonight wouldn't be a one and done, just like I was thinking. "Your hotel has an excellent restaurant from what I hear. I can be there at 8. Is that good for you?"

"That's perfect. Will you have enough time to get ready and get here by then?"

"No problem, Matt. You're only fifteen minutes from here. I'll be there. Meet me in the bar in the restaurant?"

It was settled, an hour and a half she'd meet me in the bar and I'd buy her dinner. We said goodbye, and I needed a drink to keep from shaking. I turned on the shower and had a scotch from the minibar in the room while I undressed, then I took a long, hot shower. A fresh shave, some cologne, and I dressed in my best suit, Navy blue with Bruno Magli brown shoes. A burgundy striped tie on a starched white shirt. I sighed, looking at myself in the mirror. I thought I looked very good, hopefully appealing to Jessie. As nervous as I was, I did want her, and I wanted her to want me for me, not out of some sense of righting a past mistake.

I was in the bar at ten to eight, and I just ordered a club soda, to have something to drink without getting a little buzz before she got there. I sat at a table, facing the entrance. Just a few minutes after eight, Jessica walked in and I saw her first, just a moment ahead of her noticing me. I waved my arm subtly and her eyes got wide with her smile when she noticed me.

She moved smoothly to my table, and we immediately hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. "Jessica. My God, it's so good to see you here, in the flesh. I can't believe it's been thirty years." We just kept holding on like long lost friends, which is what we were.

"Matt, you look great. I know, we've seen each other on video, but that's nothing compared to seeing you in the flesh! You're so handsome still. And so fit!" We kissed cheeks again and laughed a little as we finally let go and I held out a chair for her before sitting myself.

"You're still beautiful, Jessie. Even more so than when we were teens. You've aged like great wine!" She was wearing a lace cocktail dress, slightly above the knees, sleeveless, with a wrap to protect from the chill. She had a solid shell under the lace cover, which made her look sexy without giving away free views. Her tummy was flat, and her legs were elegantly long and toned. She wore pumps that were a modest heel and expensive. She was bustier than she was as a teen; motherhood might have had that effect on her. In any case, she was stunningly beautiful. "You're really more lovely than you were all those years ago."

"Now you're making us sound like old people!" she replied with a kind laugh. I I just can't believe you're here! I'm so glad you wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see you again. But before we settle in here, would you mind getting us a table? I'm famished and the restaurant here has a great reputation."

I was fairly hungry myself, once the jitters left me, and I got us a table. We were dressed like most people in a high-end business hotel, mostly business attire with some in evening attire. We sat and decided on a bottle of wine as opposed to cocktails, then we looked the menu over as we made very simple banter.

After choosing a steak-and-sushi combo for two, we toasted with the wine. "Here's to old friends, old loves, and a friendship that can never die." I tapped my glass to hers, and we sampled the very good California red.

The food was excellent, almost as good as the company. Jessica and I talked all through dinner, much more in depth, and much more intimately than we had on video calls through the last few months. Being in proximity to each other made it much easier for all the barriers to come down so we could be completely honest with each other.