Settling Through Life

"It certainly cries out for a rational explanation. At this point, I agree. Let's wait and see until the confession arrives."

Life went on. I'd see Marcie at Robbie's games and occasionally coming and going. No confession was ever delivered. Two months after separating, I broached the subject with Christina.

"I think I need to file for divorce. Marcie has something to hide, so why should I wait any longer?"

"Agreed."

+ + + +

Four hours after Marcie was served, I received her confession. It was six pages long.

Oscar was Marcie's college sweetheart. He proposed when she was a junior. She turned him down, claiming she wasn't ready. After graduating, Oscar was no longer interested in her. Being rejected was something Marcie couldn't accept. She pursued him relentlessly. Oscar took an overseas job which ended her chances. I came along soon thereafter. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Marcie's dates were slightly off of when compared to Helga's journal entries, but the indiscretions matched the journals. Sadly, Marcie had never quit trying to convert Oscar to her way of thinking. From before I proposed, to a week before she was booted to the dungeon, she thought Oscar would change his mind. Marcie claimed Oscar had never taken her to bed ever since she refused his marriage proposal. She had met with him fifteen times. Most were lunches, but there were a few dinners in there too. The occurrences were mostly early in our marriage. Oscar then ignored her for over eight years. Why he reached out to her on Facebook wasn't revealed. Several times a year Marcie would call or email him. He would rarely respond.

The ending just tied my stomach into knots.

'I was a fool. He wasn't interested in me but I thought I could change his mind. Being forced apart from you has been the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with. I've been seeing a counselor. She would love to have a session with you and me together. Can we save this marriage? I hope so. I DO LOVE YOU.'

My next session with Christina was spirited. I vented. I cried. I listened.

"Why should I try to save this marriage? She's a fraud. I was used for nineteen plus years."

"At a minimum, you need closure. To you it seems like she could never 'forsake all others', but hear her out. Are you in some kind of race to get divorced?"

"Not really. I just want to get off of this emotional roller coaster."

"I think you're afraid that you're going to forgive her, and that scares you."

"She doesn't deserve my love. It was never good enough before, why should I believe it's good enough now?"

"That's why you are going to sit through two joint sessions. We don't know what we don't know, now do we?"

I agreed to attend a joint session with Marcie's counselor, and a week later we would meet with Christina.

+ + + +

Throughout all of this turmoil, Henrietta and Robbie were very supportive. Marcie tried using them to send messages. They were both smart enough to shut her down. There was a meek knock on the dungeon door. A small note card slid under the door.

'You said we could talk if I confessed. When and where would you like to do that?'

Dammit, I did say that didn't I? Might as well get it over. I unlocked the door and pulled it open.

"Does now work?"

Marcie had that 'about to cry' look to her "Yes, thank you."

"Shouldn't we wait to do this in front of the therapists?"

"Yes and no. I don't want a divorce. I know I screwed up, but I never physically cheated on you. That has to count for something."

"Isn't it true that you offered Oscar sex?"

Dropping her head "Yes."

"That's as bad as it gets. Saying it never happened could just be you trying to spin it. I really can't see my way around your actions. Let's save this for the therapists."

"Alright. I do love you. I know you hate me right now, but I'll be here when that passes."

I tried to remain emotionless, although I wanted to scream at Marcie until she hurt as much as I did. When I pointed to the dungeon door, she left quietly. A minute later another short note slid under the door.

'I love you more than you hate me. I plan on winning you back.'

The calendar wasn't my friend. Every day those joint sessions got closer and closer. Was I really afraid that I'd take Marcie back?

+ + + +

The morning of the session with Marcie's therapist, I was calm. I realized that I did love Marcie, but no longer as a wife. She was like that co-worker that you've always worked side by side with. My ego wasn't damaged beyond repair, but the only way I'd reclaim it would be by finding someone new.

I opened dating accounts on every well-known website. Since I didn't have a collection of pictures of me, I took several selfies. Rather than making it look like they were all done at once, I changed shirts and pants twice. One was with a beer, and another with a glass of wine.

Rather than start my online life on a lie, I actually told truthful things about myself. I even admitted that my divorce was in progress and the anticipated completion date.

By the time I made it into my office, my email account, set up specifically for this adventure, had over twenty unread messages. About half of them were bots or advertising, but the rest were worth responding to. Over lunch I did just that. I was in really good spirits when I entered Marcie's therapist's office.

Marcie greeted me warmly, but I avoided personal contact.

"You seem happy tonight."

"I am, but for reasons other than being here."

"Care to share?"

"Not really. Is she usually late like this?"

"No, this is the first time she hasn't been waiting for me."

I picked up a magazine and skimmed the ads. A few minutes later Elsie, a charming older woman, entered. It took a while for my turn to speak.

"What do you want out of this session Levi?"

"You want to know what I want out of this session? Nothing. I've made up my mind. Marcie had umpteen years to fall in love with me. Even living side by side all of those years it didn't happen. Oh sure, she loves me like a brother, but I wanted a wife who couldn't imagine a life without me. That was never Marcie, and I won't waste another day wondering if that's changed. Do I love her? Sure, but she had her chance. It's time for me to give someone else a chance. Maybe it won't happen, but I've started looking and have several dates lined up. Maybe in a year or two Marcie will start to look better, but right now, I doubt it."

It was not my intent to make Marcie cry, but she did.

Elsie tried "That's it? You're not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt?"

"Have you figured out why I was never enough for her? She certainly hasn't told me, and at this point, it doesn't matter. Her actions speak much louder than anything she could possible say. I hope she continues to see you Elsie, as she is one fucked up lady."

"Levi, there's no reason to resort to such crude language. Marcie, tell Levi what you told me."

Wiping tears away "Levi, I never got over Oscar dumping me. Yes, it did interfere with my, no make it our life. But I love you more than I ever loved Oscar. I'm going to be devastated if we end up divorced."

"Marcie, I wish you the best, but I have to see if I feel a different bond with another woman, one that you never felt with me. Maybe I will, but then again, maybe I won't. What I do know is that I have to try."

The hour took forever, but I was calm throughout. We left agreeing that our next meeting would be with Christina. The following day I let Christina know what had transpired. I also went out to dinner with my first website match. What an eye-opener, and not in a good way. This might take a lot longer than I thought.

+ + + +

Epilogue:

When we sat down with Christina, I was very upbeat. I was also an asshole.

"Levi, you're a little arrogant tonight. That's not helping" Christina admonished me.

"I know how we should spend this hour. I have no desire to get back together with Marcie, so maybe we can help her refine her seduction techniques. Oscar must have turned her down due to some flaws in her approach."

There was a lot of name calling and cursing from Marcie. All of it deserved. So what! I'd answered the age old question. Am I better off with her, or without her. When you realize that your partner simply settled for you, it wasn't that tough of a decision.

Even with court ordered counseling, the divorce was granted six months later.

I didn't want to disrupt the kids' lives, any more that this had already done, so Marcie continued to live in the dungeon until both graduated high school. At that point we put the house up for sale. I told Marcie if she wanted Helga's stuff out of the attic, she could get it herself. I left the diaries, open to the damning pages, on top of that broken box.

Every once in a while I'll date a woman a second or third time, but as of yet, I'd rather donate my time where wanted. Helping others seems to be a good way to help yourself. There's one lady there who seems to want to flirt, but then withdraws quickly. I'm guessing someone hurt her more than I'd been hurt.

Through the kids, Marcie wants me to know that she's not dating. Not sure if that will ever matter to me.