Sex Chatrooms: The Ups and Downs

I fear that, in writing this, I will be giving more of myself away in words than I will be shedding light on the profane and sacred nature of sex chatrooms. Furthermore, this essay will most likely cater to a woman's way of thinking more than a man's. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall proceed and see what becomes of it.

This writer has been frequenting sex chatrooms on and off for years with rarely a satisfactory result. What keeps me coming back for more? It's those rare diamonds in the rough that are so seductive in their glimmer. But among those diamonds are grains of sand and pebbly rocks; the kind of debris that rarely finds itself acceptable in face-to-face society.

In this essay I will broach the sex chatroom topics of: Profiles, women approaching men online, double standards, inappropriate behavior (both the good and bad), the aforesaid diamonds in the rough, cybering, and finally, ghosting. When you get to be my age, matched with feminine intuition, you get pretty good at recognizing bullshit when you hear it. But on the other side of the coin is the female mindset of wanting to believe in what you hear, ignoring the red flags, and then kicking yourself black and blue when you knew your instincts were correct and well-founded all along.

Beginning with the topic of profiles, I just have one word to say: Yikes! Men seem rather laidback about the kind of people they want to meet, but women? I've noticed that many women in chatrooms have a whole blueprint of the things they're not looking for instead of the things that they want and/or appreciate in the people they want to meet. Why take it so seriously? Sex chatrooms are merely a fulfillment of fantasy and rarely more than that. It's when you see people in their fantasy world that you get a glimpse of who they are in reality. I've read many profiles from people who prohibit messages from folks who do not have one. Why? Why not get to know a person through a conversation instead of a three-second sum up? A women's nature is to look for something else, not this, just something else. This is not a putdown -- a woman's complicated perspective is what makes her interesting, complex, and charmingly baffling.

When it comes to women approaching men in chatrooms, that is a no-no. Not so much anymore, but in the past, I've tried to private message men in a sex chatrooms and they act like they're doing a big, hefty favor by even talking with me. Excuse me? These lazy and incompetent answers that these men come up with are rarely a gifted favor for me. I (and other women) do not feast off of them as if they are our last morsels of food. If men are putting in a half-assed effort to converse in a chatroom, move on. You can't squeeze blood from a turnip. It's funny, if a man messages a woman, he is simply being the natural, aggressive male, but if a woman does it, she is a slut. Go figure.

Which shifts into focus our next topic: double standards in sex chatrooms. I have a feeling this reflects the true nature of a gentleman's psyche, whether or not they'd like to admit it in the face of a red-faced female that is spewing curses and voodoo wishes. Women really get the short end of the virtual stick. As women frequent sex chatrooms, we are branded as "sluts," "whores," and as "needy" and "desperate." And while being unladylike has its time and place, there is no need for men to succumb to sadistic words and sexual bullying. Depending on the women you talk to, sometimes we enjoy being slutty and somewhat of a strumpet, but here's one thing I've got to say to men: If you can't say it to a female's face, then you have no business saying it online. Have some balls and do what is right. Respect people. Love thy neighbor. Why make each other miserable for the very reason we are here? We're here to exploit our lust and to possibly make a friend or two in the process. It's not complicated. It's quite inappropriate.

And speaking of being inappropriate, if dealt with in the most delicate and seductive manner, being inappropriate can be a most delicious experience. Talking with marrieds, political opposites, heated arguments, teasing, taboos, and things of a forbidden nature can all have an effect that can make a person break out in a sweat across the brow. It can make the blood rise, the valleys damp, and the human mind stand to attention. This is one of those things that keep me (and other folks) coming back for second helpings of suggestive socializing. Things of the inappropriate nature are a fulfillment of fantasy and desire, and it certainly is nothing to feel shame or guilt about. While I would never have an affair with a married man in real life, it is something that I've fantasized about, and that desire can be filled by talking with a handsome and overly sexed married man in the chatrooms.

Inappropriate behavior has two parts to it. I just spoke of the positives. Now, let's speak of the negatives. This is especially true for women. Men in chat feel they can say they whatever comes into their mind, that they are forever justified for it, and the most dazzling aspect of it is that there are no repercussions or consequences for it. They are safely snug behind their screens, eternally grateful for the anonymity even as if they try to decipher if the women are real and not dummy-men. Give me a break. You don't know that we're a woman any more than we know that you're a man. Suspicion runs rampant in a man's mind. Maybe they're trying to cover the lies that they have, historically, been notorious for living. With that said, here are a few questions: Why the need for "proof," guys? Are you afraid you will be lured in a homosexual maze in which you will not be able to free yourself from? Are you afraid you will "turn gay"? Are you afraid you will "like it" or "enjoy" talking with a man? Where's the security in your masculine molecules? In these questions, men reveal more about their fearful nature than women do of their sometimes shy and reticent attitudes toward sex and relationships. But this subject is an incredibly unflattering photograph to gaze into. We shall move on.

Ah, those wonderful conversationalists that, once in a blue moon, grace our screens! As many people do, I refer to them as diamonds in the rough. Those great talkers that actually converse, that go beyond monosyllabic utterances, and engage into the lost art of great chitchat. It makes us all come alive if we are willing to put in the effort to meet them halfway. Men who can talk about many different subjects under the sun, not just: "What's your bra size, honey?" and "Kitchen table or rooftop?" (Such stimulation. I don't know why these men are in search of chatting partners, I mean, they're such gentleman.) Anyway, diamonds in the rough know that they cannot have a woman's body until they have her mind. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart is through her brain. She must be wooed and cooed over and wanted and desired. Many of us want all that. Deep down, we want respect. Why we crave this validation from creatures who measure their penis, well, this is still a mystery to me.

Cybering is a dead end and everybody who has done it knows it. I always get a kick out of men who write in their profiles something to the effect of, "If you want to leave the conversation, tell me. Don't leave me hanging!" Excuse me? For centuries men have buttoned their shirts ten minutes after sex and left some disadvantaged woman crying and half-naked in her bed, and now they want an explanation from us? Sorry, but I have no problem ditching men without warning who are acting like complete douchebags, whether we're in the middle of nasty talk or not. That's just the way it is. I don't feel -- and women in general should not feel -- that we owe these bastards any answers. Yes, they're very good for when you're wet and highly sexed, but how do they benefit us otherwise? Respect is earned, and it goes in both directions for both sexes. I'm not asking for respect, I do not expect it, but that also means I am not willing to provide it.

And, finally, we come towards the end of this paper: ghosting. It's an all too common of a problem in the virtual world. I've had it done to me and I've done it myself. With all hypocrisy shifting into view, I have no issues in disregarding a man's feelings if he does not consider my own, but I dislike it when I am ghosted. Does this make any sense? No. People feel that they can do whatever their id tells them and that they're in the right and somehow justified. They/we would feel differently if we faced our new nemesis face-to-face, greeting the wrath like an unwelcome sight, cursing under our breath at their appearance.

The truth of the matter is that sex chatrooms have its ups and downs. It can be relentlessly satisfying and maybe a little addictive, that hunt for someone to charm our pants off. But those needs are rarely met in real life or in the virtual world. That is one way the absurdity, laughter, and hurt in sex chatrooms combines with the ruins of our everyday lives. A sex chatroom and chat partner are simply there at our convenience. If we'd rather watch a soap opera or catch the latest Yankees game, we are free to do so and leave our chum hanging like a dead man. We don't have to confront the lazy husband or the nagging wife, we simply show up at our earliest desire, and, are hopefully greeted with the person we want more than reality.