All Comments on 'Shattered'

The Hell Was That??????????????.

No idea what you were trying to do with the ending. You needed more development and a real ending.. Good start poor finish.

Your use of the Bard's Language was an abomination. You went from past tense to present and back to past. One does not "wreck" havoc, one "wreaks" havoc. Well, conceivably one can also "cry" havoc and unleash the dogs of war.

This could have been a much better story if you had an editor and taken just a tad more time. I know people think I am an English Nazi. Well, I guess I am.

Try again. This time, get an editor and don't make these really simple foolish mistakes and you will get better scores and better comments.

Regards

C

,,,,wow, GOOD writing ..now, please reveal Jill's previous job as the beach bar's erotic masseuse at Hilton's nudist African swingers resort..Jill is popular and averages 18 half hour "sessions" per day .Jill is live on the internet 24/7..Jill loves the massively horse size hung basketball players ..what FUN...Looking forward to your "massage" stories ,,,,,::::

I liked it. There was a lot of jumping around in time that could confuse some readers, and it ends too abruptly. You need to end the chapter at a more natural stopping point. I'm looking forward to another installment.

dumb shit

Is there a continuance to the story. Is there more to it other than the implied cheating. It might not be implied but I've read your story and it just seems that she is implied to be cheating. Even your story tags imply that she is having an affair. Hoping for a true ending, especially a happy one for the main character.

Your writing however is very good. The story is actually captivating that I had to leave a comment to ask you to complete it and give it a good ending. Thanks for a good story.

Good Luck and Have Fun with your writing.

He loves a slut that is a cheat. Does he stay with her, or kick her to the curb?

Interesting story, and would like to find out what happens now.

Thanks for the read

Disjointed and hard to follow.

It would have been better to tell this story in more of a straight line. The movements back and forth in time were hard to follow, misplaced and unnecessary.

Low score. No ending and unknown person at the end.

Also disjointed.

HuwR

It was difficult to follow your story. Try to write in a more linear direction, the time transitions confused me at first. Who did he call at the end?

Keep writing.

Needs editing as others have said. Presumably there will be at least one more chapter -- it is helpful and actually common courtesy to label a story as "Ch. 01" when it is just the first part of the story, since many readers prefer to wait until a story is fully posted to begin reading it -- otherwise, it can be very difficult to follow a story when chapters are posted one or even several months apart ("When We Were Married" is a prime example of too long intervals between parts -- are you getting that DQS1 ? ? ?).

Another suggestion would be to tell more of the story through dialogue rather than narrative; I think it keeps the reader's interest better. Would like to find out how Steve handles things with his cheating wife and fucked up marriage. Hopefully, it will have some originality rather than just willing cuckoldry or the usual, boring divorce. I would like to see him grow some balls. An IT expert should be able to fuck up a lot of lives if he knows what he is doing. Just see the movie "Hackers." It's trite but there's a lot of truth in it. Thanks for writing.

. . . just a little too often for my taste. Maybe it is the morning hour and I am just not fully awake, but I had a really difficult time getting the sense of this story. It might be really great, but as a reader I slipped up somewhere.

I liked the story until it seems the writer ran out of steam and just stopped. Is there a Chapter 02? Who was he calling at the end? Who was the passenger? The only thing we know was it wasn't the patrolman and the person he called wasn't the single mom at the reception desk since she was at work and not asleep. Too many unanswered questions.

As it stands, it is awful. The switching back and forth in time added nothing but confusion. The basic story line, although hardly original, could have been interesting if I could just have followed it with ease. Reading a story, especially in this venue, is supposed to be fun. Reading this one was a struggle and I wasn't even wrestling with some deep philosophical drama.

Then the ending implied this guy, with all his holier than thou attitude, had a girl friend on the side. Maybe not. When we got to that point, it really didn't matter.

My recommendation is if you must keep switching between the present and past, make it clear in the first sentence when a switch has occurred.

Some readers want to go on autopilot and have the entire story spoon fed to them. Some of us can use our imagination to finish the story. There's no right choice or wrong with this type of ending. Any recollection of this story will lead us to the person on the other end of the line. I like the story, and I would have finished it this way too.

Extremely hard to follow. Scenes bounce around and there is far

too much paint and not enough picture. Way to descriptively wordy. Good premise though and can easily be turned around in the coming chapters. Keep at it!!

I feel like I've been in a car accident myself with all the going forwards an back wards in the story I found myself getting rather lost.

Need to either tell the story in one continuous movement or have a chapter devoted to the back story so the overall story can progress in a smooth fashion

That there's a part 2. I mean, for fuck sake, you built the suspense, built the suspense, and then ratcheted it up some more. And then? POOF! Nothing. Nada. Zip-fucking-zero. We don't know who she screwed, there was no confrontation, no answers, and not a single goddamned clue as to who he called at the end of the story.

On the other hand, the writing was superb. Contrary to those who got dizzy reading the back and forth, I thought you carried off the flashbacks well. It's far harder to do that well than most people think, which is why I nearly always stick to chronological plotting. And you really did do it well.

Thus, because you've got me hooked, I'm not going to vote on this until I see whether there is, in fact, a part 2 coming down the pike. You may want to drop a comment for the other readers, though, and tell them whether that is, in fact, the case.

with most of the comments. I like your style of writing, but I had to work too hard to figure out the tense. I don't mind the end, but I do not come to this site to work my brain. I read Shakespeare and the classics for that (which I do truly enjoy). I also agree that you need some editing, though your editing far exceeds other stories I have read here. Keep up the writing, check with an editor, and keep in mind that deep thinking is not what we come here for.

Alright, where is that idiot Shoe to defend this slut and attempt to persuade us its the husbands fault again?

Jean-Luc Godard said, "A story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end... just not in that order."

<P>

I really enjoy your style. So far, I'm good with the beginning and middle. Please don't forget the end.

<P>

I don't need to be spoon-fed but all three parts are required.

You know, Quentin Tarantino already did this, and once was more than enough...

It isn't innovative, or a novel idea. It's just disconnected and tiresome.

1) Back and forth / Dizziness ... All comments are duly noted, and I will address that as best as I can. I talked to several of my friends who are not on this site about 'denoting' a flashback. Some said put a time stamp at the beginning (but then there was question about what to put for the present date... and then it didn't "look right"). I apologize for the dizziness.

From an artistic stand point... I wanted the "fractured" story telling to emphasize the "shattered life". The flash back scenes, by themselves, are harmless; however, now that he knows she's cheating on him... are they truly harmless? Is the innocent flirting really innocent?

2) The ending... or lack thereof. Again, comments are duly noted. I will admit a part of me was scared, as a first time writer, that somehow Steve would be viewed as being too pathetic or "too girly". So I put this out as a feeler...

3) With that being said, there will indeed be a continuation to this story. Technically, it's already written; however, after proofing it... I didn't like where it was going (and I want to incorporate some of the comments/critiques found here), so it's being re-written. I will make every effort to get it posted in a timely (non-DSQ1) manner.

Hopefully that clears up some of the confusion. I look forward to more constructive feedback.

you will go a a long way to creating something really good. The language at times was very good and then "wreck havoc" popped up. I skimmed a lot of the flasback simply because I knew where the guy stood at that moment and the past was a bit confusing. With some polish and some more care, you will have a very good story. Right now, you don't. The thing is that you demonstrate emotion and imagination and that cannot be taught or learned. Keep posting, but always number your chapters so we do not think it is a stand alone story.

Your writing and creativity are solid, and your honest self-criticism is even more admirable. As you re-write your next chapter my one suggestion is to clear up whether Jill knew that Steve saw her affair before moving to the hotel, and how long was he at the hotel: just the one night or three? Then you can get on to the inner ring of what happens next with their family and Steve's life. None of us care much what negative things happen to Jill, as along as there are some.

I find your style a bit fussy. Too elaborate.

Disconnected & Tiresome hardly covers it all.

It's not nice to not let us know it is a series.

tom anon

change your story as a result of comments. It is your story to tell. How you tell it is also your choice. I think the way you managed the flashbacks to create the effect you wanted, worked well. I personally thought that they were a little too fragmentary, but in the light of your explanation I revised that. As for the odd grammar "foxes paw", we all make them, and I didn't find them overly intrusive. This is a pretty good first effort. I look forward to more from you.

Story needed focus...also some better set up. bring the children in to focus for some angst. The wife was depicted as too impersonal. Flash backs should have had some warmth regarding her....would have added to the tension. Steve wallowed to much, again with no real focus. Next time work on making the characters come to life with a little more background and likability. Basically I liked the story, but was frustrated also.

I/We certainly hope you have a follow up, chapter 2???

A lot of innuendo about what may have happened. Several references to being separated. She goes from being a happy wife to a blow job slut and no story there...and...at 3AM and the boys are where???

If I cared for this woman for 20 years and she took her new body and let guys who wanted it - have her...there would be retribution, payback, revenge - not death - but revenge. There would never be reconciliation - of course, doesn't seem like she gives a sweet damn about him.

Well, pretty good story, so many possibilities so - how about it...fill in the blanks - chapter2?

Thanks, you did well - just please, wrap it up.

Good writing (save for a few oopsies) in service of a jumbled story.

Now, not all stories are linear -- Ohio's 'Forbidden Fruit' is an example of a cracker of a story that is anything but straight line -- but they tend to be best-suited to the intended readership (i.e., this site).

Still, I'm on board for the next part.

To the most recent Anon. The first boy is at least 19 according to the story so is probably away at college. The other should be old enough to be unsupervised(??!!).

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Chagrined, Rehnquist, and Harddaysknight all encourage you. That is high praise.

I was able follow the shattered sequence. You need not date them. Perhaps some stronger indication in the first paragraph of a non-continuous sequence would help, but just perhaps.

Glad to hear there is more to come. It may be that some of the objections to the chronology are due to the story ending "in medias res". Once the entire story unfolds, there will be some perspective to the segments that will naturally arrange them as a whole. Personally, I like your style because it is true to life: our conscious thoughts are not a chronologically directed vector, especially in the midst of stress and conflict -- and that says nothing of the nearly conscious and the sub conscious.

Help!!!! Where is chapter 2

This story is the most chopped-up piece of literary garbage I have ever read. Oh, I could follow the "non-linear" story-line, if I tried hard enough, but who wants to try hard when the story is filled with a melange of inappropriate descriptive gobbledygook, tired overused ruminations, and unnecessary historical background? Not to mention jumping all over the place. "Shattered" must mean the writing style, not the story.

The first rule for writing is KISS.

Hard to believe an idiot like that could hold a job also hard to believe someone could write such crap.

the story was sick enough...but jumping around here and there was pointless...

As much as I would like to read a chapter 2...I don't even think you should waste your time. This story was boring and you jumpped around so much, that the shit didn't even make sense. So do us a favor, since we did you one by reading this shit... Do not write another chapter for this story.

It certainly was a great story line and I certainly hope we get to be the fly on the wall when she explains what happened to her family. You are creative with a good imagination so I think you can weave the rest of this tale quite nicely. I do agree that the story does jump around but with a reread of it and not trying to make it a rush produce will enhance the writing and story telling. Nice story which I hope to see more of and thanks for sharing.

I see all the feedback, but I found this very close to impossible to follow, sorry.

another quite normal guy with a wife that thinks he is nothing than an idiot and all the other usual cliches. ugly husband, beautiful wife, hunk of guy with a big dick......have I forgotten something ?

and then thats the end of the story.

you are confusing me. enough of this back and forth crap. keep it simple. this first chapter just says 'not to read anymore of your stories'.

I'm glad you are paying attention to the constructive criticism left by many people, and I'm happy to hear there will be a second chapter.

Yes, the story did make me feel like I was at a tennis match, but if you keep writing, you'll get it right.

At times it was confusing with reading the past and present but sticking with the story I totally understood the fractured/shattered analogy you were trying to implement. I agree with Rehnquist, you built up the suspense and left us hanging. Good cliffhanger but very frustrating. I am anxiously waiting to read chapter 2.

had a little trouble following the plot, at first but soon recongnized the pattern as the disjointed thoughts of a man whose world had just crashed around him. Jumping back and forth really gave the reader the same disjointed feeling as a man in utter dispair while trying to complete his daily duties. Well done, you had me on edge the entire time. Can't wait for a follow-up. Thank you

From the writing and development of your main character, it appears that he will not be able to develop a set of balls and do anything except whine and beg for counseling, forgive the cheating slut and wait until she goes off, as the Irishman would say,"FOOKING" the next stud to come along because she has "WASTED THE LAST TWENTY YEARS" of her life being faithful to and fucking her husband.

From life experience the only thing that makes sense is for your main character is to chew on the end of a S&S K-frame 357 Magnum until he receives the blissful relief of a 165 grain hollow point.

Other than that the story seems to be well written.

Thanks for your start.

TOM

S&W K-frame. sorry I missed that in the proof reading.

With a little difficulty I got the jist of your style in writing...the mental notes, the before today incidents, today and the what ifs'? Very good.

Suggestions...

You started with her thinking (speaking) 20 years wasted, she had no idea how great the sex was - well, it wasn't Steve so - who?

The hospital administrator felt her up, she didn't protest, all saw and now she is potentially labeled as a cheap wife by the staff.

The policeman ridicules him in front of his wife, she giggles her agreement and he is humiliated.

He is called into the hospital in the middle of the night and finds that his Ex (your words) is in emergency due to anm accident where she was found to have the drivers dick in her mouth...well, who was he and where were the kids?

He likes the receptionist, half his age but...???

He calls an unknown???

Okay, suggestions only and food for thought. He married her and loved her when nobody cared about her, he loved her. She is now gorgeous and likes the attention, the flirting, the groping and has no respect for the man that loved her sincerely when nobody else did.

Beauty is skin deep, she is willing to give every stud who wants a piece and/or feel some sex, no respect for husband, she is out in the middle of the night giving blowjobs.

Thought, he has enough evidence to ask the courts for full custody of the children (she is a slut and unfit), he doesn't have to burn her, just divorce her (sadly) wish her well and let her know that time deteriorates beauty and further that in a small town she is already perceived as a whore and a cheating slut.

Please don't do what some of these characters write, turn him into a wimp, a wuss, a cuck and forgiving...NO! She'll learn with time that she is just a peice of ass for all the studs, womanizers and cheaters...everyone knows - no love there.

Finished, just some thoughts.

I really do like your story, just please finish it with some answers.

Thank you!

Hope you go on with another chapter and don't leave us hanging. We don't know how she is....who....what.....with what ?????

I don't have too much problem with the jumping around to reflect his inner chaos. But besides his agitation I'm not sure what we have. We have a bunch of characters jump in and out of focus. There are the slightest hints of their association with the main story but everything is vague. His wife has apparently been unfaithful but the setting, extent, and guy are not provided. She has been in a car accident. apparently with a man. What she was doing is uncertain. About the only thing that is certain in three pages is that he is upset. I'm not even certain that his wife really was unfaithful. He supposedly witnessed something. But no real clue as to what. We have had numerous stories about people CONVINCED that their spouses were cheating, some even carrying out elaborate and nasty revenges only for it to turn out that nothing really happened. With what we know to this point, this could be one of those types of stories. Also some stories go on and on without adding much to the story. Maybe what we have been given has meaning further along in the story but so far it's hard to tell that. The story has potential but needs to get to a point soon. We need to be able to see real bits of the story take shape and know what they mean, even if the whole takes a while to come into focus.

nothing really to see here...

this is just vile shitty incoherent crap. I hope we are not tottured to read part 2 of this shit

You introduced a lot of characters in your story, but the way that you flipped back and forth between them without warning made it a bit difficult to understand. I also found myself wondering if Steve's wives infidelity was something new, or if it had been an ongoing thing. Are the kids really his, or has she been a slut since he married her. There are a lot of ways that this story can be played out, and I for one hope that you continue to write it. BTW I like your use of sarcasm. It really helps to connect the reader to Steve's inner thoughts.

I hope that you don't leave your story the as is. I am looking forward to the next part & I think you did great for a beginning effort.

I agree with the "english nazi"'s comments. Try to streamline your characters, get an editor and DO keep writing since this wasn't all bad.I also liked the sarcasm, noted by another, earlier comment. I'm looking forward to more of this story.

One Star, because they have no zero.

that likes using his imagination to finish a story. If you have to make up your own ending, why bother reading a story, just imagine one and end it to your liking. Some people are just born comedians. lol

Okay I really liked it. Hope this ISN'T the end and that there is more to come. Like a true ending and not leaving it up in the air. But I thought it was well-written with a sympathetic lead character whose life crashed around him.

If a wife cheats on her husband, gets a good fucking, and enjoys it, what's the problem? If the husband can't handle it, isn't it his problem?

When a story is not going to be written to a conclusion at least have the decency to warn readers before they waste time. Could have been a good story but your "cliffhanger" ending was not a ending but rather. Bif f you to the reader.

Not certain if it is a good start or not! There just isn't much here yet. Where the rubber meets the road will be in the "confrontation scene." For any coaching on writing one of those, there is a course that you can take, well not really, but if there was one it would have been taught by an author here on Literotica named "thecelt". He is the best that has ever been at writing "confrontation scenes". Read of few of his stories. He made "confrontaion scenes" an art form. That's just my opinion of course and there is no offense intended to the distinguished likes of HDK, Rehnquist or Chagrined.

NOT BEING PRONE TO ADVERSE COMMENTS, I'VE READ THIS 3 TIMES AND THE STORY IS CHOPPY, NOT FLOWING, I BELIEVE THE BASICS OF A GOOD STORY IS PRESENT. LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR LATER SUBMISSIONS. TRY AND FINISH THIS STORY WITH A DIFFERENT THEME. TK U MLJ LV NV

Am I the only reader who can't figure out who the friend is that he wants to meet at the end of the story?

during this story. Who was the man fucking his wife? The Cop? His Boss? You tlaked about the first child but then there are sons. What are their ages? Overall, it is not clear what how these scenes fit into now. If there is a part 2 you need to clean up these questions and bring some closure to the husband.

I agree with most of the postings here. The story is choppy to say the least and there is no real story at all about how the wife ended up with the guy she was blowing or if it is a long term deal or not. The ending alluding to the young girl from the hospital is not only quite unlikely but does not fit the profile of the husband as you described his personality. With no mention of the kids there seems to be much more of this story not told than what was told. I encourage you to continue posting but try a little harder to make it understandable to the readers.

without much in the way of explanation so the characters are people we would care about.

This story has so much potential. The only thing needed to be added is the identity of the man the wife cheated with and just a little more background on the children if you want.

I liked it all up until the pool scene. I thought you were gonna lead up to when he actually catches them cheating. Please add a scene where he watches them.....that way it adds more voyeurism/sex to the story. It just gives him more of a reason to be traumatized by the whole thing. Please consider a re-write or sequel, your definitely on the right track. :)

You must continue & complete this and do not leave us hanging

Where's the tale?

No matter what psychobabble is, well, babbled, nothing changes the inalienable fact that she cheated blatantly and without good reason (is there is ever a good reason?) and I don’t think he will ever get over this - I mean, would you? ‘You’, in this case, is any normal man confronted with such betrayal. It’s pretty insurmountable.

The female advisers, as depicted, are pretty much wide of the mark simply because (in the story) they’re poor examples of the female gender - youth and inexperience or a history of being a slut have little to do with ‘gut feeling’ - if it walks like a Dumb Undulating Cacophonous Kink it pretty much is a duck. Any average, normal, intelligent woman would see in an instant the dichotomy thus presented.

Azpiri, I hope you don’t go down the road of RAAC, but wouldn’t mind if you presented such an ending with a good rationale. It’s your story and I applaud your efforts.

Please don’t take too much notice of the hostility you may feel from commenters on this, the most difficult of story categories. I’m all for authors presenting their stories without too much comment on the actual plot and more about the quality of the presentation. In this case I felt like supporting Harry’s views because very few actually agreed with him - and I agree with him!

Best Wishes (and a 4 - wish it could have been a 4.5 but...)

Need to get a grip and take control of your life rather than write about supposedly helpless males in stories like this.

Too bad those shitbirds wouldn't recognize good writing if it bit them in their fat asses. They prefer the mono-syllabic 'derp' found in most of the pathetic offerings in this category.

The non-cucks and those of us who do not wish to be cucks appreciate coherent writing when we see it and applaud it accordingly. Good job with this chapter.

Too bad those shitbirds wouldn't recognize good writing if it bit them in their fat asses. They prefer the mono-syllabic 'derp' found in most of the pathetic offerings in this category.

The non-cucks and those of us who do not wish to be cucks appreciate coherent writing when we see it and applaud it accordingly. Good job with this chapter.

Most every one reconizes what they do or do not like in what they read, but what we do reconize is the right to our own opinions, wheather you like it or not Mr Anon!!!!

Too many fags & wimps submitt on this site.

try and make it easily open to escape. TK U MLJ LV NV

Too many closet cucks comment on this site.

For this revenge stories, because this story in the Ch 03 a fantastic super hyper Modern Figaro and Romantic Revenge story will be, the betrayed husbands I feel as modern Davids against the tribunal system assisted cheating wives and cocky loverboys........................

@ Dear Anons, who debated here! May it be not only whimps, fags, betrayed husbands and exhusbands wrote here comments but others?

We know that Steve's wife Jill is a cheating cunt and was in an accident blowing the driver. With the facts straight on to ch. 2...

Are we dealing with another wimpy husband? For the love of god will all you guys quit writing about wimpy husbands? It's fucking gettin old I know that much!!!

When I met this story 1-1.5 years ago I stopped reading at the half of this chapter.

When I reread this story, because of a comment at the chapter 03, I was sorry to stop reading 1-1.5 years ago...................The Hungarian joke tells The hedgehog told To make mistake is human attribute! and the hedgehog got off from the washing brush!

No not a wimp husband. Just a guy that stepped into a room full of shit and after digging around found the pony.

This is brilliantly written. Why is this rated so low? Crazy.

I'm sorry but I don't think my insurance will cover this. How about you just fold her into a shopping cart and roll her out into the parking lot.

they should realize what is imminent, TK U MLJ LV NV

I am so sad. life is unfair. nobody loves me.

I am so unhappy. alas and alack.

I hear rumours but I don't even look at the admissions log for verification.

It can only get worse from here.

There is so much to look forward to in the next half chapter of an incomplete story.

I think I got most of the timeframes correct, but it was a struggle. Also wasn't so important that I wanted to go back and figure it out. On to the next chapter.

I agree with another comment that the time frame is a little confusing.

My only concern is we have another story with typical stereotype characters.

A nerdy, slim, non aggressive, loyal, naive husband. Then their is the sexually awskenex cheerleader hot wife. Who has rediscovered how 'hot' she really is, thst is too other men.

Last bit not least, the muscle bound, powerful, strong, dominant alpha male. Who jas too much bourne and not much brain !

Is would be an inspiration if the husband csn become a more confident, gym fit, dashing sexual hulk of a man that other woman will push his slutty ex wife into the curb to get hold of.

Perhaps the wife will have an injury thst requires her husband to look after her as she can not go to the gym barely walk and needs dsily support.

I am sure the lover will not want to know any more as she is not free pussy !

Come on lets have a good twist in the next chapters !

he was born in a catholic domino domino fambly.

other than that idiot analogy a 3 star tale

Dear readers you should read the all 3 parts of ths story!

hopefully with a friend, TK U MLJ LV NV

to slow and to meandering, end the thing

Still five stars and still one of my favorites. Strong writing. You can feel the emotion.

First he is. Then she is as she was so flat chested, but no longer flat after 2 kids. Then the cop says to the protaganist on the cop's way out, something about so long, but the cop calls HIM "rooster". So is it him or her?

All the decent critics have already commented on the main issues, so I just had this little question.

Keep writing! Another of your tales, the eulogy by the daughter was superb!!

She was Jill-Billy. Read it again. Fucking cheating cunt. I'll continue because I don't remember the rest.

What an idiotic bunch of crap!!! That author is far away to write good stories!! He is only a cuckold/wimp fan!!!